The picture. That picture.
"What picture?" I feign with a frown.
He digs his hands in his pockets and takes three steps toward me. "Your flash was right on my face, Graham."
And his eyes pierce through mine, daring me to lie. If he saw the flash, there's no point in denying there wasn't a flash. But I can pretend I wasn't taking a picture. "It doesn't prove I was taking a picture. I could have been –"
"Looking for something on my face?" There's amusement in his voice and I am relieved that he isn't getting mad. "I'm not dumb. I heard it when it snapped."
"Why would I show it to you?"
"Because I'm telling you to."
My laugh is quiet but the absence of humor in it is still very perceivable. "And I'm supposed to obey?" He doesn't answer me and I know it means yes. "You're unbelievable!" I exclaim in incredulity.
He comes to stand right before me now, and bends his head a little so that our eyes are at the same level. Then he whispers, "Snapping a picture of me while I'm sleeping is very indiscreet of you."
It is, indeed. I don't think I would appreciate it if someone were to take a picture of my sleeping face. I would be raging with fury, which is why I am surprised to see Yann taking it so calmly – at least for now.
He's looking right into my eyes and I can't seem to look away. Involuntarily, I take a step forward and now, our faces are mere inches apart, our lips a hair's width away. He doesn't stop looking into my eyes as I make my bold move. Our noses touch and our lips brush. His hands leave his pocket to snake around my waist but we still don't kiss. I close my eyes as I see him dip his head, anticipating his kiss.
"Password."
My eyes shoot open and I pull back a little, confused. He shoves my phone into my face before I can process what's just happened. I then realize that his arms snaking around my waist weren't to pull me closer, it was just to have access to my pockets and retrieve my phone. He wants to see the picture.
I snatch the phone out of his hands and dip my head, my hair falling like a veil to hide my disappointment. I am about to start typing my password when I feel him pushing my hair out of my face.
"I hate it when you do that," he says as he lifts my chin with his hand, "hide behind your hair."
I jerk my chin away from his hand and go back to my typing. "I wasn't hiding behind my hair," I lie.
"What's 0516?" Yann asks as I hand him the phone.
Caught off guard, I look at him, wondering how he could have seen it as he's standing in front of me. "You saw it?" He nods at me. "It's my birthday. May 16," I tell him and he nods to me again, engrossed in the phone. "I need to change my password now."
His head snaps up, pausing his task on my phone. "Why? I'm not gonna use your phone." And he dives back into my private life.
When I notice he's stopped sliding his fingers across the screen, I come to his side, and with him, I look at the picture.
I had never taken my time to check whether it was good or not. In my haste to put the phone away, I had forgotten to look. And I am glad I had. Postponing to do something wonderful makes it all the more wonderful.
There, Yann has been immortalized in his sleep. His jet black strands are spread out on my shoulder in a veil and his head is tipped to the side, his left cheek covered with a few strands. His pink lips are closed, in a relaxed line opposite to the severe line I am accustomed to. His eyelids stay half-way open and half-way closed, revealing a little of his blue irises under the brightness of the light. The calm expression on his face makes me smile and I wish I was able to see that expression when he's awake.
When I look up to him, he's not staring at the picture, he's staring at me. Slightly embarrassed that he caught me smiling like a fool at his picture, I look back down at the picture. "You're very photogenic," I whisper in awe.
"Why did you take it?" He inquires as he hands me back my phone.
"I knew you'd say you were not leaning on my shoulder while sleeping so I took it."
"Why didn't you show it to me, then?" He crosses his arms over his chest.
If he's getting mad, I'm ready for it but his facial features tell me he's far from mad and I relax. "Because I knew you'd get mad so I didn't."
His lifted eyebrow seems to convey his disbelief or amusement – I can't really tell. "Am I mad now?"
"That's the thing with you. You're unpredictable. Look how cool you are about it now. If I had been the one to bring up the topic and shown it to you, you wouldn't have reacted that way."
When he doesn't reply, I give him a look that says he knows I am right and that there is no need to try and deny it. He sighs, begins to run his hand though his hair but finds it impossible to do so with his bun.
"Why did you fake sleeping then if I had woken you up?" I ask, curious.
He shrugs and takes two seconds too long to answer. "I don't know."
The way he looks at me makes me uneasy so I blurt out the first words that cross my mind. "Or maybe you were enjoying my shoulder."
He frowns and tilts his head to the side. "Are you flirting with me, Graham?"
At his words, my eyes snap up to his. Amusement has left place to seriousness and I see his features conveying as much surprise as mine.
That's not flirting, is it? "No, I'm not. I'm just..." He's teasing me, isn't he? No, the expression on his face is too serious. "I'm not flirting!" I exclaim but he shushes me softly, indicating me to quiet down a tad. "I'm not flirting." I repeat.
He takes a step forward. "I heard you the first time."
"I wasn't flirting." Why I feel the need to say it again is beyond me. Maybe I need to emphasize the fact that I was not flirting.
"I'm not deaf, Graham."
I tighten my jaw in annoyance when I see amusement dancing on his face. I am about to bid my goodbye and go to bed, but he takes another step towards me. I wait for him to speak, but when he never does, I stare up at him.
And suddenly, all amusement vanishes from his face. The expression on his face is one I've seen before. When he finally lets his walls down, when he lets his emotions show, when he's not hiding. I like those moments when he's being himself with me, when he lets me see him. He doesn't seem to be looking at me though, he's looking through me in those moments.
"What?"
"I have always said and felt that true enjoyment cannot be described." He says.
"Who said that?" I inquire as I rack my brain, wondering why he's saying those words right now.
"Rousseau."
His hands lift to cup my face as he creates an inexistent space between us. My breathing halts and my heart skips a beat. His eyes don't leave mine as he softly brushes the side of my face with the pad of his thumbs. He closes the space between us even more so that our chests are touching. My hands move up on his chest, itching to touch him and my hands come noosing around his neck. He leans his forehead against mine, his palms sliding from my face to my waist, and I stand rooted to the spot
"Well, my words are: I have always said and felt that true beauty cannot be described."
"Distorting a quote is tainting its beauty." I tell him as I recall his own words one day.
He smiles at me before whispering, "I was hoping you'd say that."
I hear him take in a breath as he looks straight into my eyes. He's breathing softly and I feel the gentle rise and fall of his chest against mine. Our noses brush, our lips brush, but we don't kiss. His mouth hovers over mine for a moment, his breath hot and soft.
"I hate what you're doing to me, Tracy," he whispers.
There's a despair and a depth to his voice that claw at my heart, making it bleed. "I'm not aware that I'm doing anything."
My hands seem to hold on tighter to his neck and my heart refuses to beat at a reasonable pace. His nose against my nose, his chest against my chest, his hands on my waist, and my hands around his neck. I want to stay like this forever, hanging on to him like this, never letting him go and he never letting me go.
As his lips softly press against mine but not in a kiss, I can feel his smile. "But you are."
And his lips press harder against mine, in a kiss this time. He grips my waist tighter and I feel incredibly small in his arms, unbelievably tiny against him. He bites on my lower lip and I let out an involuntary moan. I feel him smile but he doesn't stop nibbling at my lip. Then softly, his tongue slides inside my mouth and I let him, my own tongue coming to meet his.
It's a sensual dance, a sweet battle where we surrender and conquer each in turn, taking control then relinquishing power. Desire consumes me and all I want in this instant is to lose myself in him and forget about everything around us.
As our tongues withdraw and our lips take control again, I hear him whisper, "Tracy." It's soft, sensual, and desperate. My name on his lips. Like I am his only salvation, like I am the only one able to pull him out of the darkness.
We get out of breath too soon for my liking. We stop kissing and rest our foreheads against each other. I open my eyes, expecting to find the blue of his own that I love so much but instead, I'm faced with his closed lids. They're very tightly closed and by the way he's gripping my waist, and I know something is going on inside him right now.
"Yann," I call softly. "Open your eyes," I say. But he keeps them closed. "Yann."
I watch as his eyelids flutter open. His eyes fall into mine, and I search for something in them, something that could explain his sudden change in behavior but I find nothing. He's building his walls back up again. His breathing has risen up a little, and his chest is heaving up and down against mine.
"Hey," I call soothingly as my fingers move absently against his nape. I nudge his nose with mine and give him a look with my face, urging him to tell me what's wrong. But he doesn't. "What is it?" I ask.
But he doesn't have time to reply and I hear a voice calling my name. "Tracy!" Lucy stops as she's about to call my name once more and notices me here with Yann. "I thought you had left."
From where I am, I can see she's half asleep and will not even remember this conversation tomorrow morning, and I am fine with that because she would be asking too many questions later.
"I'm coming, Lu."
I hear an okay muffled by an unladylike yawn before the rustling of the sleeping bags fills the air as she drops herself back inside the tent.
I turn my face back to Yann, looking up at him. "Yann, are you–"
But he shakes his head, telling me not to continue. His gaze meets mine again. His chest continues its rising and falling. He closes his eyes. His hands leave my waist to go to my arms and he unwraps them away from his neck. He takes a step back, two steps back. And I know this moment is over.
"You should go to bed."
I watch him go inside his tent, without a glance to me. The zip climbs up and up, distancing us with every inch until I no longer see him.
I sigh, rub my face, pull on my hair. I touch my face where he's touched it a few seconds ago, with his thumbs, with his beard. It tickles, and in a nice way. I place a hand on that beating heart of mine, attempting to slow down its race. My fingers are shaking, and I have to ball up my hands to stop them.
I take a deep breath in, walk on my tiptoes back to my tent, and climb inside.
"You're back," Lucy whispers in her sleep as she cuddles next to me.
I place a hand on her head and play with her hair. "Yes. Sleep now," I murmur.
I try to do so myself but find it nearly impossible. I don't want to fall asleep because I fear that when I wake up in a few hours, Yann will have gone back to shutting me out.
***
The next morning, Ellie announces that our little group is to trek for the day. Will, James and I groan. Lucy jumps happily on her feet. Ellie stretches her lips in a wide smile. Yann, as always, stands out of the group: he simply picks his bag from the ground and waits for us. And again, I wonder why he's agreed to come when the boredom on his face is more than evident.
I've avoided looking at him all morning but as my treacherous eyes lock on him right now, I can't help the memories of last night that resurface. Our gazes lock for seconds. I can't help but wonder what he's thinking as his face gives nothing away.
I avert my gaze to follow Ellie who's already begun our journey into the woods. Apparently, we may swim once we reach our destination therefore I bring Lucy's and my bathing suits along with a little food.
Alongside Will, I walk behind James and Ellie. "So," I say, "you've sorted out your problems with Yann?"
He shakes his head at me. "Not yet. He's pretty hard-headed and I can already feel like whatever I say to him won't make him change his mind. However, someone else might."
Someone else. "Keven?" I ask, recalling how Yann's mentioned him before.
"No, not Keven," he says.
"Who is he?" I ask, not really expecting an answer.
Will's eyes set on my face and I see him wondering whether he should tell me or not. "His brother." He reveals at last.
His brother. The one person whom Yann loves the most in the world. To me, if there's anyone who could change Yann's mind, it's him. Who else could it be?
"If not his brother," I say, "who, then?"
Will only looks at me and smiles. "Someone you know."
I call him out on his secrecy and the undecipherable meaning of his words but he says no more. Absently, I turn my head to look at Yann behind us. My eyes catch his and I frown when I see a smile on his face and a conniving one on Lucy's. Malice glints into my sibling's eyes and I wonder what she's been telling Yann.
I think back to Keven, how Yann said that he – along with Ellie and Will – was on his back about something. And I piece a few things together. I now realize that that something is Yann's decision to hide. Will doesn't agree with it at all and neither does his brother. But then, as I think about Yann hiding from mobsters, I wonder why his brother wouldn't want him to hide. Why risk putting both Yann, himself and his family in danger by having Yann step out of the shadows. It doesn't make sense.
Unless Yann is not hiding from mobsters at all.
My thoughts are interrupted by Lucy's screams. "How long?" She's been doing that for the past hour, asking every ten minutes.
"Not much. Be patient Lucy," Ellie waves with a smile at all of us from where she leads us far ahead but Will and I both roll out eyes at her.
I look back to my little sister and again, that smile is on her face and she calls Yann to bend sideways so she can whisper in his ears. I shake my head at her machinations but return my attention to Will eventually.
"I thought Yann was hiding from mobsters, but he isn't, is he?"
Will takes a little too long to answer and I already know what he will say. "No, he's not."
The gears start turning in my head again as I try to figure out Yann's secret. Who is he hiding from?
Ten minutes later, we reach our destination and my thoughts take a backseat. Paying more attention, I can decipher the sound of water, I can smell it through my nostrils. After a few more steps, we're standing at the crest of a hill, looking down at the water beneath us. The water falls at our left, shimmering in the sunlight.
"Where are we?"
"Dunno," Ellie answers, "it's a small waterfall James and I came upon while walking."
"Do we stay here or we go over here?" Will points to the waterfall in question. "Jumping from here doesn't sound that exciting."
"Are there rocks?" Yann asks as he and Lucy appear, at last joining the group.
Ellie shakes her head with a no, insisting she's already jumped from here and that there is no risk. We all trek some more towards the waterfall. I decide to stay near the shore while everyone else goes up to jump, leaving me with their bags after taking what they needed.
When I toss the bathing suit at Lucy, she gives me a weird look. "You're not coming."
"Nah, I don't feel like it."
And the indiscreet Ellie has to ask loud enough for everyone to hear, "You're on your period?"
I glare at a chuckling Will as I shout back a thunderous no! to Ellie. "Party pooper," Will chimes in.
I watch them all go up and get ready for a majestic dive in the water. Lucy is already in her one-piece, waiting for Yann to jump with her. From where I sit, I can see James staring at Ellie with a smile on his face as she undresses to reveal a black bikini. This smile isn't pervert, I know it. I know that what he feels for Ellie is true, but unfortunately for him, this love is unrequited. I just wish she would realize it already.
I pull out a small blanket on the soil and take a seat. Before he jumps, Will waves his hand at me, runs as fast as he can and jumps in the air. His body follows a straight line as he falls, his feet touching the surface first and splashing water around. Five seconds later, he's out with thumbs up at me, as if he's just performed the greatest dive in an Olympic competition.
The four others of the group decide to jump together and hold hands. One, two, three... Screams of joy fill the quiet air and soon, nothing as they are swallowed by the water.
I watch Lucy having fun, climbing on everyone's head, playing with everyone. She looks happy. And it makes me happy. I make a video of her and send it to my parents and my father is the one to call me the moment he gets it.
"Why aren't you having fun either?" He asks the moment I pick up.
"I'm fine on the shore. It's all cool here."
"Where are you?" When I tell him that I don't know, I can hear disapproval in his voice, "you're not lost, are you?"
"No, Dad, we aren't. How are you?"
Work's doing fine, Mom is doing fine, he's doing fine. He asks about Lucy and me. "I'll survive, Dad."
"How's it going with the boy?"
At his words my eyes go up to Yann in the water. Lucy is on his shoulders, screaming giddy up, up, up! as she treats him like a horse. Yann's eyes roll to the back of his head in fake annoyance but I know that deep down he likes Lucy's company. He likes kids.
I can't help but heave an involuntary sigh once I'm reminded that my father has asked that question. "Okay." I really don't know in fact, I never know with him.
"You know I'm there if you want to talk," he says at last when he realizes I'm not saying anything more and that I haven't told him everything.
I smile though he can't see me. "I know."
And we get off the phone a few minutes later when I see Yann approaching me. I place the phone down next to me and watch as he kneels on the ground, rummaging through his bag before pulling out a towel.
He dries his hair first, moving the fabric over his damp strands, leaving me with very little to see of his wet hair. I look away at my sister who has now enslaved Will. It's unbelievable how fast she alternates between Yann and Will. If it's not one, then it's the other.
I feel a gaze on me and turn my head to catch Yann with his eyes fixated on my face. I stare at him, feeling a little uncomfortable after what happened last night. I couldn't have expected any other behavior from Yann after what happened. I'm highly uncomfortable. And maybe disappointed.
I am about to look away when he says, "Don't think about it."
The disappointment hits me hard but I swallow it back down. "I wasn't, don't worry."
"You were." He contradicts. He rubs his face with his palms, as if he was distressed. And he continues, "Listen, Graham,–"
I shake my head at him and raise my hand. "Save it. It's fine. Let's not beat around the bush and say that it didn't mean anything, or that it shouldn't have happened or–"
"Did I ever say any of those?" He cuts me off. "Would you let me talk?"
And I shake my head again. "I don't think I want to hear what you have to say, Yann."
And he releases a small laugh filled with no humor at all. "Funny, because I listen to you when you talk." And he gets up, walks towards me, holds his hand out to me. "Come."
For a moment, all I can do is look at the outstretched hand before me. What is this game he's playing? What does he want from me? My eyes tear from his hand to rest on his face. There's an urge there, a silent plea that I cannot ignore. It tugs at my heart, the same heart that's breaking over him and breaking for him. The same heart that beats for him.
I take his hand.
•••
I don't know about you guys but I love this chapter though I'm annoyed with Yann more often than not lol
I was listening to Next To You by Imagine Dragons as I was proofreading this and somehow, it made me feel everything tenfold as much. So I recommend listening to it too :)
Also, I cannot believe we made it to 1K reads!! Thank you to all of those who are reading, commenting and voting. Each and every single one of you is a gem❤️