The four of us remained frozen on the spot, no one saying a word and no one making any form of movements for a period that stretched on and on and my anxiety levels skyrocketed.
My thoughts were swirling around my head, giving me an intense migraine and all of them were of Will. My mind was screaming, wondering what he was thinking and if he could possibly be okay. Though I knew I was embarrassed, nothing I was feeling mattered to me, all I wanted to know was how would Will be handling our current situation as he was already fragile. He's no doubt the strongest person I've ever met though still brittle and it's the truth that even some of the toughest of things are snappable if too much pressure is applied.
Whipping my head to the side, I caught a glimpse of him standing now a considerable distance away from me and those wonderful eyes had turned cold once more. My heart ached as I observed the pain etched into his face and I only became aware that I was unintentionally reaching my arm out in his direction to console him when he deliberately squirmed out of my grasp.
I dropped my hand and turned my head back to face the intruders in front of me and my sister gave me a smile so full of pity I might have actually felt sorry for myself if all of my capacity to care hadn't been taken up by Will. Jonathan's face had gone pale and when he was the one to finally break the silence, his voice was much higher than what I was used to from him and it sounded like it had come from someone else entirely. "Well, I guess that means it's my turn to choose some songs." He said, his voice shaking and unsure as he pretended to ignore everything he had witnessed and walked towards the record player.
Within a few seconds of the elder Byers boy fumbling over the music, the intensely awkward and uncomfortable atmosphere had slackened as Nancy and I struck up an unrelated conversation to what had happened as we all tried to pretend there was no elephant in the room. It didn't take long for the whole group of us to be laughing over whatever meaningless things we were talking about but I couldn't help but notice how Will's laughter wasn't his usual bright giggles, it seemed superficial and lifeless.
I proceeded to finish the breakfast made for me by Jonathan so he'd stop complaining and I watched with sadness as Will threw his uneaten food away. I wanted nothing more than to put my arms around him and remind him that we hadn't done anything wrong or to be ashamed of the way I could tell he was. The more I observed him over the course of the morning, the more I had begun to read him and see through the bravado he was outwardly showing and I knew he had been badly affected. I wished our siblings would leave us alone so I could talk to him privately but that wasn't what was to occur, much to my annoyance.
The boy I'd held close less than thirty minutes previously and I didn't even interact so I spent the time watching Jonathan and Nancy and wondered what it would be like to have a love like theirs. Every glance and every touch was delicate and filled with compassion and adoration, as though they never wanted to look away or break contact. Will's brother would find any reason to peck Nancy on the cheek causing her to giggle like a little girl, so full of innocence and joy that you would struggle to find a sweeter sound anywhere. Their love was pure and so unproblematic. They were allowed to love and no one is this world would ever tell them that they couldn't be together so they were carefree and could lose themselves in one another without having to glance over their shoulder to see who was watching. I wondered if they had any idea just how lucky they were.
The next time Will spoke to me privately was after his own final song choice was being played. The song that would forever be his favourite: 'Should I Stay or Should I Go'. "I didn't know you had this one." The boy said to me, a faint spark of emotion flickering unsurely within his words that I prayed to god wouldn't burn out as something inside of me told me it would never reignite if it ever was extinguished. "I never knew you bought this song."
"Yeah." I began, fumbling over my words as heat turned my cheeks scarlet, "I bought it because...because I knew it was you favourite and I kinda wanted to get to know it, you know...for you. I wanted to learn your favourite song."
"Holy shit, really?" He asked, the spark expanding into a delicate flame that enveloped the whole room with its amber glow and warmed my heart. "You wanted to do that for me?"
"I'd do anything for you."
Will looked at me solemnly and my attention became focused on his eyes once more that, for a moment, seemed as though the light of the fire had reached them, giving them a rebirth. "Thank you, Mike."
"Any time." I grinned at the smaller boy and intently observed as the corners of his mouth twitched and I was sure he was about to smile back when Jonathan interrupted us for the second time that morning.
"Have we decided on a winner, then?"
I was about to open my mouth and give the most obvious of answers as it was common knowledge that Will was the music lover among us so, of course, the winner would always be him when Will himself spoke over me: "Mike. Mike wins."
I felt my face crinkle with confusion as I queried what on earth the younger boy was talking about. "But you hate my taste in music, how could you possibly think I won this competition?"
"The highlight for me was, well, 'Hold Me'." Will said, a hint of embarrassment returning to his face. "That was a great song choice so I think you win, no contest. I'd given up the game by the time I heard tha-"
"But you told me and Max you don't like Fleetwood Mac." Jonathan cut in, "Wait, or is just 'Rhiannon' you don't like?"
"You don't like 'Rhiannon'?" I blurted out, my voice sounding panicked and wounded, despite the fact I hadn't had any intention to actually speak. A sense of hurt turned my body cold as I felt betrayed and wondered whether Will had been lying to me this whole time about our song and I couldn't help my mind from running off and wondering what other things about us he'd lied to me about. I told myself I was overreacting but I couldn't force myself to think more rationally.
"Okay, Jesus, everyone relax. Jonathan, I lied to you and Max, okay? I love that song but I didn't want to hear it that day in the car because it reminded me of Mike and I wanted him out of my head. He sang that song to me in a couple of my darker times a few months back and the last thing I needed to be reminded of on my first day back at school was that no matter how hard I fucking tried, I'd never get over him. I wanted to be free of him and not completely lose myself on the first day!"
Silence settled in the room once more, only shattered by Will's heavy breathing as tears began to fall down his face. I questioned how everything had gone so wrong so quickly but I was determined to speak to him to fix it, even if I was the last person on earth he wanted to speak to. "I'm sorry, Will. We shouldn't have brought it up. We didn't mean to push you so hard. You're not ready to delve deeper into your feelings and we get that but we didn't realise we were forcing you to."
"Just leave it, Mike." The voice of the boy I loved was hollow, like he had finally snapped and had nothing more to give. He was empty.
"No, I won't let it go. So many of the issues we had over these past few months have been because you turned me away when things got hard and we weren't able to get through it together. I'm not going to let you push me away this time."
"I said "just leave it"!" Will snapped at me before leaving the kitchen and heading to my room where the slamming of the door echoed all the way to where we stood.
My sister put her arms around my shoulders and held me close to her chest, the way she had done so many times when I'd let Will kick me out of his life and felt sorry for myself in her embrace instead of plucking up the courage and going back to fight for the boy I loved. I vowed to not allow myself to make the same mistake as I shrugged out of her clasp and followed Will up the stairs. I found him hugging his knees on the end of my bed, facing the wall and with his back to me as he cried.
"Hey." I said with a steady voice from the doorway before sitting next to him on the bed but ensuring there was a distance between us he'd be comfortable with.
"Why are you here?" He asked me with a monotone voice and, in that moment, I knew it was a serious question. Something about the way he stared at the wall looking completely hopeless made me realise he genuinely didn't understand why I'd gone to him, he didn't understand why I cared so much.
"Because I want you to talk to me and I don't want you to walk out on me again. I want you to know that you can't keep all these feelings bottled up or it will make it worse. When you're ready, I'm here and I want to listen to whatever it is you've got going on that you're so afraid to talk about. I'm here because you mean everything to me and I you need to be willing to let me in."
"I don't know if I can." Will mumbled sadly.
"You can trust me."
"Yeah." He replied, not sounding totally convinced and I steeled myself to do something I knew would break my heart but it needed to be done, for his sake.
"I need to ask you something and I want you to answer me truthfully. Not the way you think I want to hear so you won't hurt me. I want the truth, no matter what it is, okay?"
The smaller boy nodded.
"Okay...each time you do push me away, I feel more and more like that's what you want permanently. Will, do you not want me in your life in any way? Not even as your friend? Is what you want from me to never see me again because I'm worried that that's true but you're just not willing to say it and it's hurting you more. If that's the case, I promise you I'll go and I won't bother you. I want you to get better and if I'd hate myself if I was the reason you never did."
Will finally turned his face to mine and he looked at me wide-eyed as I started to become afraid. I knew that if the answer was yes and he didn't want to see me, I'd have to be strong for him and somehow find myself away from him before I had the chance to break down. I couldn't make the decision harder for him. "Is that what you think I want?" He queried, his voice emotionless and therefore unreadable. It held all the answers I needed to hear but he was giving nothing away.
"I don't know, is it?"
"No, I have never wanted anything less. So much of my life is surrounded by darkness and, if I'm being totally truthful, it has been ever since the Mindflayer but you bring a new kind of sunshine into it that I never knew existed. I could never want you to leave, even if I do say it sometimes. I guess it's easier than admitting to you that I need you. Thank you for not listening to me this time." He gave a feeble chuckle and though I knew his heart wasn't really in it, he was trying to find some happiness.
I let out a sigh of relief, "Thank god, you really had me worried that I'd never see you again there, Byers."
"I don't think I could handle that." The boy beside me mumbled and then paused before continuing, "But you're right, there is something I've been afraid to talk to you about."
"You don't have to tell me yet. Whenever you feel ready, I'm not going to push you."
"I'm ready now, there is something I've been fighting against but I need to tell you and, well, I'm not sure how you're going to take it..."
*
This chapter was intended to be just Byler laughing and having a good time with Jancy and that has been what I had planned since February. I'm not quite sure what just happened.
It was also supposed to be really short, lol I'm a mess.
- Niamh.