Alexander
I awkwardly stand just a step behind Thomas, hand in hand, as we stand just outside of the front door. He isn't looking at me, but his grip on my hand is crushing. The muscles in my hand are aching in silent agony from the sheer strength of his grip, but enduring the discomfort in penitent silence. My heart is pounding in my chest as this night continues to progress in a rather surprising fashion. I had been expecting Thomas to shun me from his presence as he dealt with his family conundrum on his own. Though it would appear that even men such as the renowned Thomas Jefferson need the presence of another living being to get through a difficult patch of life. I slowly reciprocate the pressure in my grasp, earning a brief glance over the shoulder before quickly looking away. I should know better than to expect too much from such a situation. Thomas hadn't said he forgived me, only that he loves me and that I will not be leaving his sight. Time and space are still required for him to decide on where to go from here and I refuse to hinder him in that pursuit.
"This wasn't how I had wanted you to meet them." he mutters. I say nothing as I look up at him hesitantly. His head is bowed as he stands underneath the yellow light of the front stoop. "That was supposed to be a happy occasion. There wasn't supposed to be any secret pregnancies or children. It had never even crossed my mind that these were even capable of being possibilities."
"The world moves in a peculiar fashion, no one really knows what to expect." I reply softly.
"The world, or its people?"
"I would challenge to say that they both have an equal share of influence over the other." His eyes peer back at me slightly. "One cannot be properly judged without the actions of the other."
"And where does that leave us?" He asks softly. "Which one are you? The world or the people?"
"I suppose that depends on one's perspective." I reply after a brief moment of thought. "How do you see me?"
"Force of nature, unpredictable yet capable of creating monumental change in everything around you." His eyes harden slightly as he looks back at me. "But you are also capable of mass destruction."
"After every destructive storm there is always growth and new life, if you choose to continue with the metaphor."
"I don't have the energy to talk about this right now." He turns his eyes back towards the door and pushes it open without preamble. My heart falters in my chest as he pulls me through the door quickly. Several pairs of eyes come to rest on us and I can feel my stomach drop by my feet as I struggle to fight back the nausea. "I want the truth. How many of you knew about my daughter's existence?"
"Thomas." I murmur quietly, he tightens his hold on my hand and I wince slightly in pain.
"We did." Two beautiful women step forward, one crossing her arms while the other fidgets with her fingers. They hold each other with such pride that it isn't difficult to spot the resemblance. I spot the sister that Thomas had identified as Martha sitting beside three teenagers, while what I assume to be another brother and sister of Thomas murmur to one another on the other side of the room.
"Why would you keep that from me?" Thomas snaps. "You had no right!"
"He's right Mary." The sister with the fidgeting fingers concedes. "He's our brother and he deserved to know."
"Jane, you know as well as I that he could hardly take care of himself let alone a child."
"That still doesn't give us the right to keep a parent from their child." Jane argues. I look around the room and see several rather confused expressions. It would appear that only a few members of the Jefferson family had been informed of the existence of their niece, there are a plethora of hurt expressions in this household. "Which leads me to discuss your treatment of Momma. No one is allowed to make that woman cry."
"Her crying was not the intention." Thomas intercedes. "I don't like being lied to, especially by my own family."
"We had no choice!" Mary snaps. "How could you expect us to trust you with a child if we couldn't even trust you to survive the year? You weren't ready for that sort of commitment and that is exactly why Martha kept it a secret from you." Thomas drops my hand and I am very quick to wrap my arms around his upper body as he starts to progress towards his sister. There are cries of outrage as siblings turn on one another, a civil war seeming to break out inside of the living room.
Thomas struggles against me, his nails digging into my skin harshly. I close my eyes and endure. There is the familiar burning warmth of blood blooming to the surface of my skin and I simply greet it as an old friend. His movements are erratic and seem to become even more uncontrollable as he begins to weep.
"Let go of me! Let go of me!" There is such a depth of painful desperation in his voice that for the briefest moment I contemplated giving in to him. My eyes briefly looking back at the astonished face of his sister, he would never forgive himself if he did anything against his family. It would tear him apart and perhaps even kill him. I would rather he hate me for the rest of his life than hate himself for something he did in a moment of rage and heartache. "Alex let go!"
"When Phillip was a baby there were so many nights that I would sit beside his crib and just listen to him breathe!" I confess as I held onto Thomas with all of my strength. "He had looked so small and fragile lying in his crib, I had been so afraid to touch him." He twists harshly in my arms as a pained sob escapes his lips. My voice is drowned out in the fever pitch of voices of the Jefferson children as they chose their sides in the conflict. "I had been afraid that he wouldn't survive the year, that he would die just like so many other children, but he lived. Your daughter lived, she's growing up."
"Stop." He pleads, his body seizing as he clings to my arms tightly, holding me close.
"She has the privilege of growing up with a father that loves her so much that it hurts him." I rest my cheek against the back of his neck. His body is trembling profusely as I hold, slowly sinking down to the floor as he follows suit. "You have every right to be angry, to feel hurt." He tightens his hold on my arms. "But you don't have the right to allow it to consume you. This is not who you are. This isn't the man I fell in love with."
Thomas's only reply is to weep pitifully in my arms as I hush him. I try to ignore all of the eyes that are currently staring at the two of us. My eyes closing as I hold Thomas as close as I can, his trembling resonating in my bones. I can feel his heartbeat syncing with mine as I cradle him against me. My eyes fly open in surprise as two pairs of arms wrap around us. Two of the teenagers I had seen earlier sitting beside Martha have cocooned us within their arms. The girl meets my eyes and I quickly avert my gaze, she simply smiles in response and tightens her hold. It doesn't take long for Thomas and I to have become completely encompassed in the loving embraces of the Jefferson children exempt of Mary who stands aside with steely eyes, just barely holding back tears.
Thomas is breathing a little easier as his family surrounds him. I feel a bit overwhelmed by their presence, but I focus on breathing slowly and keeping my anxiety at bay. There is so much love in this family that it is rather astonishing. There are several murmurs of thanks and it takes me a couple heartbeats before I realize that they are speaking to me. Warm hands rest on my back, pulling us all closer in this huddle of bodies and warmth. This closeness awakens a childish need for affection and proximity, tears are slowly building up behind my lashes, I close my eyes and rest my head on the back of Thomas's neck, enjoying the family dynamic and holding the man I love.
This is nice. This is what I want for Thomas for the rest of his life. Completely surrounded by love, so much genuine love and adoration that he is practically drowning in it. This kind of love is worth drowning in, it is a rather pleasant sort of agony where one can't seem to get enough of it. I have only had a taste of it, but I find myself becoming addicted to its flavor and sensation. This is what I want to give Thomas with all my heart.
I want a family with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and his family. He is so deserving of everything his heart desires. It took me far too long to realize his worth and just how unworthy I am in comparison. There have been less compatible couples throughout the course of human history and their descendants are still present in our modern day society. They had been able to defy the odds and remain together, why can't he and I fit into one of those statistics?
I have made mistakes and I recognize them for what they are. Thomas has seen me for what I am, a being ruled almost entirely on emotion and impulse. He knows me at my core and chose to love me anyways, regardless of my faults and my trespasses against him. He chose to continue to love me even though his heart was breaking in his chest as he struggled through the quagmire of secrets and pain. Through it all Thomas chose to take my hand and hold it so tight that I thought my bones would break, he elected me to be his anchor. He reached for me in his hour of need and I will never let him go. This man is mine, from now until my last day on this Earth.