[This was written on the 22/04/2018]
07:41
I haven't slept yet...
Well this is gonna come and bite me in the ass later...
So basically I fell asleep yesterday while typing so yeah.
What I was gonna say is :
I'm on my own, and the only person that could possibly understand me is ... Ummmm let's call her Gabby, since she's literally the only lgbt person that I personally know, but that would be weird af and I'm sure that she wouldn't be much help to me...
So right now I'm just chilling here lol, with dysphoria, watching lgbt edits and vines coz they're adorable and hilarious, and I don't have a chest binder , and my mom won't let me cut my hair short and my dad is so judgemental and my family is so religious and I don't even follow their religion as I'm a non-conformist( but I'm not going to get into that since religion is a very sensitive topic for most and everyone should be allowed to believe what they want) so they're going to hate me even more AND I CANT TAKE IT!!!! T_T T_T
Being confused about sexual orientation literally SUCCKKKKZZZZZZZ!!!
Like now i have to make my own chest binder out of like 5 t-shirts and that still didn't make my boobs flat, so I had to wear a hoodie over it and now my chest is sore because I think I wore the binder for too long and I just read that you can break a rib or something equally serious if you bind incorrectly and that I'm only supposed to wear 2 shirts but IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT I HAVE BIG BOOBS AND I FELT MASCULINE YESTERDAY OKAY!!
So yeah I'm just sort of swimming in the lgbt ocean right now because I have days were I feel masculine and others where I feel feminine but I'm scared to come out as gender-fluid because of all of the hate I'll get from everyone especially if I add that I'm pansexual on top of that everyone will be like :
"Oh you're just confused"
"Jeez when we said you were les we were just kidding" [I get teased, not in a mean bullying way, about being a lesbian even though no one knows that I'm pan]
"So are you basically just a gender confused girl who's attracted to pans"
"You've watched way too many gay movies"
I hate my fucking life.
End my misery.
Why God?
Like seriously if you're real I hate you for making me this way.
Wait no scratch that.
I hate you for making everyone else the way that they are.
I hate you for making homophobic people.
And aggrogent assholes who think they know what I'm "supposed" to identify as when IT'S LITERALLY MY LIFE SO EVERYONE CAN JUST FUCK OFF JFC!!!
I hate you because 90% of homophobes wouldn't exist if it weren't for you.
I wonder what it's like being sure of self and out of the closet.
Or
Being cis and completely sure that your cis.
Must be nice.
Okay so those two chapters were long and serious ^_^;
I promise from now on they won't be like this I just felt like it was important and i wanted to get it out of the way :)
So bye for now
Aaron (neutral)