This chapter is for Dan, my Dan.
I wish I could have one more day.
I miss you, Danny boy, my hero.
Sid x
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Year 2055
Lieutenant General Dan Haeckel
Age: 35
Location: Manor, Blanchardstown, Dublin 15, Dublin
It was so hard to speak, these days, so damn hard to get anything out.
She was going, soon, and I had nothing, NOTHING, that would save her. Hopeless. Weak. Pathetic. I couldn't do anything.
I couldn't even find words, the right ones, to say to anyone. Not even my beloved, fading wife. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't think of anything but 'don't go'. Stupid. Senseless. Screw up.
"Danny, the boys will be waking up soon. Do you want me to bring them downstairs for breakfast?"
I turned numbly to see my mother in law smiling peacefully up at me. She'd been visiting most days since Sondra had worsened and was now staying over as my wife was forced to remain at the hospital for constant surveillance and treatment. She was a huge support, and a comfort. I wish I could be more like her, so strong and accepting, but all I could do was stand around, wallowing in my grief, not even thinking of the two healthy boys that were my sons.
"I'll go wake them up," I said, my voice slightly hoarse. I cleared my throat and made my way to James' room first. James was not a normal kid. That I had learnt quickly.
Magic flowed through his blood at least ten times the power of my own. He was not talkative, often quiet, and yet he still drew attention and he was always watching his surrounding with clear, focused expressions. And there were times I could swear he knew what was about to happen before it actually occurred. I could never forget his high-pitched screaming just before the nurse had come to tell me that Sondra had had her heart attack.
I entered his room and found him sitting up in his bed, cross legged, his hands patting the sheets around him as if he were looking for something. As I came closer, he looked up and smiled. A smile that made me feel instantly light. It wasn't that usual feeling I got when I saw his innocent face brighten up. It was as if he were channelling emotion to me through his expression. I didn't understand how he could do such a thing, let alone why, but deep down I felt an inner turmoil. Would this gift of his benefit him in the future, or ostracise him?
He lifted his arms towards me and his smile changed into something that looked somewhat pitying. I shook myself out of the daze and strode over to him, hefting him up onto my hip. I turned my head to face his and nudged his nose with mine.
"I'll always be here for you, James." I quickly pressed my lips to his cheek and then made my way to Liam's room. I felt uncomfortable, knowing that James shouldn't understand what I had just said but probably had.
I found Liam as I expected him, sprawled over his bed with the sheets twisted between his legs and around his waist. He could be so neat and organised but in sleep he was dishevelled and restless. I got a better grip on James and leaned down to shake Liam's shoulder.
"... jus' leave him behind or you'll get sucked in..." he mumbled into his pillow.
James giggled which made me grin. "I can't leave him behind! Let's go back, quickly, Sir Liam!" I chuckled to myself as he frowned and shifted around onto his back.
"No wait! The water...!" Liam's eyes shot open and he gasped, saw me and James standing over him and gasped again.
"Shit, Dad! What's with the creepy watching me sleep thing you two are doing?"
I cuffed the side of his head gently. "Dude, what have I told you about swearing? Nana's making breakfast so quickly wash up and head on down."
He grumbled incoherently and untangled himself from the bedding before heading to the bathroom. I went downstairs with James and plonked him down onto his chair.
"Hands," I said, grabbing a wet towel out of the box on the table. He held his little palms out with a grin. Goddess, that smile looked just like Sondra's.
I wiped his hands quickly and grabbed his bowl of fruit and yoghurt, setting it down in front of him. He grabbed the spoon and began eating eagerly. I grabbed a plate and Sasha piled some bacon and eggs, that same serene smile on her face. My heart didn't as feel as heavy as it had before so I was able to smile back. It still hurt though, my gut churning. I just wanted to be at the hospital, to be by her side.
"Morning Nana." Liam skipped the last three stairs and landed on the floor with a thud. I raised my eyebrow at him and he ducked his head but I still saw him grin cheekily.
"If you do that and hurt yourself next time, I will point and laugh." I kept a straight face. Sasha chuckled and James watched the both of us with his clear expression.
"I won't get hurt 'cause I'm invincible," he said casually, grabbing a plate. I sat next to James at the table and poured out several glasses of juice.
"Can't be Mr Invincible without a big breakfast," Sasha said, her eyes twinkling. It was nice, her warmth, but it didn't feel right. Sondra would wrap her hands around his neck and pretend to choke him, laughing all the while, and then refuse to give him breakfast since, as 'Mr Invincible', he didn't need it. I could see that Liam was thinking along the same lines because he went respectfully quiet and sat opposite me with a pensive look on his face.
The rest of breakfast was near silent. Sasha commented on today's weather and helped James eat his small portion of bacon and eggs. It got to the point when I couldn't stand it when James giggled, dribbling scrambled egg down his chin, and I couldn't help but laugh, Liam joining in. Sasha, smiling, wiped the kid's chin and Liam got up and put his empty plate in the dishwasher.
"I'm going to go have a shower. Are we going in half an hour?" Liam asked from the bottom of the stairs.
We were visiting Sondra early today before the kids had school. My hands twitched, wanting to fist, but I stretched them out. I put on an amused expression. "Sure, kiddo. Don't let that water suck you in, alrighty?"
He wrinkled his nose and scowled at me before stomping up the stairs, my laughter following him.
** **
"Danny, love, I'm worried about Liam."
I jerked my head up to look at my wife, her weary face serious. The boys had come and gone in a flurry of energy, a lot of which had rubbed off on Sondra but she was now looking a little tired and washed out.
I squeezed the fingers of the hand I held in my own and then continued to run my thumb up and down each finger. It helped to keep me a little calmer.
"Why do you say that?" Of course, I too was worried about Liam, at his age this all would hit him hard, but Sondra had real fear in her eyes.
She took a deep breath. "Just the way he looks. It's not all grief I see in his eyes. Sometimes they go hard and he looks at you and James, and me, with determination, like he has to protect the world. He's only twelve."
I thought back to Mr Invincible at breakfast. What if that had been more than a joke to him? "Maybe that's his way of dealing with it. Instead of crying, he wants to defend the people he loves, to protect us. I think that shows strength."
"But it's too much weight for his small shoulders. When I'm gone, I want you to make sure he doesn't work too hard. I want him to be able to laugh every day. I want all of you to have happiness."
I rolled my shoulders and stared down at our linked hands. "I'll miss you," I whispered. I could feel myself trembling slightly, I felt like I was about to throw up.
"Oh, grow a pair, you big pansy," she teased. I smiled weakly and lifted her hands to my mouth, kissing each knuckle. She sighed and rested her head back. "Dan, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry." Tears began to well up in her eyes and I nearly dropped her hand in shock.
"Sunny, what the hell are you talking about? Don't...!"
She shifted over to the edge of the bed and brought both hands to clasp mine. "All of this... all of this loss, grief. You've had rotten luck." She choked on a laugh and it turned into a sob. "I just wish I could stay for you. Promise me, Danny, promise that you'll be happy. I need to know that you'll be okay." Her expression was so pained that I would have done anything she asked at that moment. Anything.
"Sondra, my love, you've given me everything, including two insane sons. If all you need is this promise I have no choice but to accept. I promise to do everything I can to be happy." My eyes stung. "And every time I think of you, I'll smile instead of mourn. And I'll convert our kids into upstanding adults. And I will always love you, with every physical, mental and spiritual part of me."
Her breath shuddered and she shut her eyes, forcing herself to smile. "I... love you more, Danny."
"You think that but if there was a way to measure it the results would show that I absolutely, by one thousand times-"
Her hands suddenly jerked and I squeezed them gently. I wasn't on alert until her eyes flew open and her breathing suddenly wheezed in.
"Sondra?"
The ECG showed her heart beat quicken. I shot up and a group of medical staff rushed in.
I saw a flash of Sondra's grinning face, flushed after being chased by me at the time she'd stolen my wallet. 'First time anyone's caught me, and lucky me, it's a cutie.' And now she was slipping from my grasp.
** **
Hours and dark hours later I was sitting at home, alone for the first time in a long time, and there was nothing but sharp, stabbing pain in my heart and dank, depressing thoughts in my head. Was everybody going to go before me? Would I have to watch as one by one the people in my life died?
I felt a tug on my leg and the two year old James crawled onto my lap, standing upright on my thighs. His warm body comforted me and I held him tight. What if I lost him, too? And Liam? I'd have to protect them better. Little James reached up and placed his hands on either side of my eyes and then leaned forward, putting his forehead on mine.
Suddenly all the darker emotion was gone. I still felt sad, I felt the pang of loss, but I could see brighter things. My sons, my job, my home. I could live on, and they could live in my memories. I looked down at James, noticing that his shoulders had slumped and tears welled in his eyes. No. He couldn't have. Had he taken away my grief?
"James." I lifted his chin so that he looked me in the eyes. His bright green eyes had dulled a little. "James, give it back. It's not your emotion to carry."
James lowered his eyes and tucked his chin in. He had gotten my stubbornness.
"James, sometimes magic shouldn't be used. You shouldn't have taken my emotion into yourself. I need to get over your mother's death naturally."
He tugged out of my grip and clambered down to the floor. I caught his hand. "Listen to me," I said firmly. "You have to give it back."
He turned his head and looked me right in the eye, resolve written all over his too mature face. He was only two for goodness sake. "No."
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*loud sigh* This took a long, long time to write. There'll be more chapters after this. I think it'll be fun to write in Dan's point of view as he meets Kayli as an adult etc. And, you know, less depressing.
Sid x