"Morning Jayden!"
I snap my eyes open and sit up, yanking my arms up over my head to protect myself. I know to do that if I'm ever woken up by a shout., but I see that I'm not in apartment 334. Instead, I'm in another home. Mr. Spencer's home. I blink and slowly lower my arms.
He's wearing...an apron? "Sir?"
"Come on, Jayden, you can't waste an entire day," Mr. Spencer grins, recovering from whatever shock he might've had from my violent reaction. I look around and spot a clock...7:36. That isn't too bad.
Mr. Spencer starts to walk out of the room, seeing that I am awake, "Well, breakfast should be ready in fifteen minutes, the shower's in the bathroom right across from your room, and I washed your clothes so they're on the counter next to the sink in there."
"Y... yes, sir," I reply, not really sure how to react to such kindness. He walked out the door quickly to go check on the food.
He really must want something.
There's no other explanation.
-
I was rewrapping the bandage about ten minutes later, my hair dripping wet so that little beads of water rolled down my neck under my newly washed shirt and down my back. I finish and pull the sleeve down over it. I walk out of the bathroom, down the stairs, and into the living room, shivering slightly from the cold that my dampness attracts.
The kitchen doesn't have a door, but instead it's an extension of the den, so when Mr. Spencer turns around to grab some salt from the island counter, he sees me.
"Jayden! I thought I'd have to retrieve you," He beams at me.
Why? He asked me to be down in fifteen minutes. Why wouldn't I oblige?
"So, I hope you like your eggs scrambled," He says turning around. I can't believe this. Is he really my teacher? It just isn't normal. Why is he doing this? What does he want?
"Yes, sir," I say and stand in the doorway, watching him as he cooks. He's really good at it, and I can tell he has experience. It smells more delicious than it looks. But he is a Chemistry teacher, and Chemistry isn't too different from cooking, which is probably why I'm pretty decent at both.
"Go on and sit down, Jayden," Mr. Spencer suggests, emptying out the food onto two different plates. I follow his instructions, as is my way, and sit down uncomfortably on one of the chairs. It's straight-backed and wooden and has a small blue cushion in the seat of it. This whole house looks like a woman lives here, with everything matching and pictures hanging perfectly on the wall and almost no clutter whatsoever. I'm spending time at a lot of neat-freaks houses, aren't I? First Seaton, and now Mr. Spencer. He picks up the plates and puts one in front of me.
It's more than I'll be able to eat, but I don't say anything and wait for him to begin eating before I start.
"I hope there's enough for you," He says, looking up at me a couple of minutes later, "There's more in the pan if you want."
"Yes, sir," I nod and scoop a bit more egg into my mouth and some sausage as well. His food tastes great and it makes me feel bad, like I don't deserve this kindness. After watching me push around my food for a while, he speaks to me.
"Not really hungry?" He asks, standing and holding out a hand to take my plate to the sink. I open my mouth, but then close it again. I hand him the plate and then I open my mouth again, and this time –thankfully –something comes out.
"I could do that for you..." He looks at me and blinks, "The dishes, I mean, sir."
"Please, Jayden, you're a guest," He laughs it off and puts the dishes into the sink. I feel terribly uncomfortable not having any work to do. "So, Jayden, do you think your dad will be home now? If not, you can always just stay for a while longer."
"He'll be there, sir," I reply softly and he nods, wiping his hands on a dishrag to dry them.
"So do you want to hang out here a while longer, Jayden, or are you eager to go back home?" The way he asks the question is...knowing. I don't like that. The way he's looking at me...he thinks he knows what's going on, and he's probably right. But I won't let him know that.
"I'd like to go home, sir," I respond, just to spite him and that perceptive look of his, "My dad will be worried sick."
Yeah, right. He'll be more disappointed that I came back.
Surprise flits across his face, "Oh?"
"Yes, sir," I tell him quietly and he nods.
"Of course, Jayden, just let me get my keys," He says.
Great.
A car again.
-
"Where the fuck were you?" Seaton snarls at me as I come back, at around nine in the morning, to the apartment. He's smoking again. He'd better not get fucking lung cancer or I'll kill him.
"Sleepover," I say, echoing his excuse to Linda and Suki that one day.
"Oh, right, 'cause your dad would let you," He snaps at me, tapping his cigarette on the trashcan so that some of the ash falls into its depths. "You're a fucking liar."
You're right, I think.
"You're right," I say and then shake my head. Wait a fucking second! I never say what I think! NEVER! And I'm not going to effing start now because I happen to like Seaton.
I freeze.
Seaton says something but I don't hear it.
No.
No.
I did not just think that. Like!? Like? I do no such th...
Oh fuck.
I hurry into the apartment without looking back.
-
That night, in my bed, I burry myself under the covers. I pushed these thoughts aside for long enough to clean up the beer bottles and cigarette remains, do the dishes and mop up a spilled beer on the floor. But now, I think I've got to go through this. Suppressing emotions, while alright on the outside, can drive you crazy on the inside. Not acknowledging such a feeling was bad, but not showing it to anyone else was okay.
Good even.
So, Seaton. He's been here for three months? Three and a half? I don't even know him. I can't fucking like him. I think I've already mentioned this, but liking leads to loving and I won't fall for that again. Besides, love unreturned is meaningless. Just another feeling to toss aside. So therefore, I can't love him because he won't ever love me back.
See, how easy was that? I simply refuse to love him.
Wait, how did I get to 'love'. I was talking about like, not love. Stupid train of thought led me to it, I'm sure. I don't like Seaton. Sure, maybe I am gay. Who cares? I don't like Seaton. I didn't enjoy his hands on my skin. My heart doesn't skip a beat when he smiles at me. I don't think his mordant personality is endearing. I don't like the way he stares at me with those dark, intense eyes or how he always throws away his cigarette and match in the trash can or how he cares for people even if he doesn't show it.
And I most certainly do not like him.
Maybe if I keep telling myself that I'll start to believe it.
Not fucking likely.
-
The first day of school after winter break is never organized, despite the teachers' best efforts to keep it so. It's always filled with people showing off their gifts, giving people presents, and a whole lot of not working. I think it's a load of bull actually. I'm not just saying that because I'm bitter, it just is. I like to learn. The first day back screws with my mind. School equals work, not socialization. And yet – there they are.
Oh great. And here she is.
"Jayden!" She squeals, running over to me, throwing her arms around my neck, kissing me on the cheek and releasing me faster than I can process 'Jayden'. "Ohmigod, did you have a good Christmas? 'Cause I did!"
"Um –yes," I reply, blinking a few times.
"I got something for you!" She beams and pulls something out of her backpack. What? I don't understand. Something for me? Like... "Your Christmas present!"
She hands me a box wrapped perfectly in red and green striped paper. I just stare at it for an entire minute. I'll probably be late to class but... a present?
"Well open it, silly!" She giggles. A present for me?
I hesitantly open it, taking the tap off first and then gently unfolding the paper, not believing it. I've never got a present before...well, once, but it was from Charlie and...well, never mind. Under the wrapping paper is a box. For a second, I actually think that's the gift. A box. But then I remember that on TV shows people actually say that as a joke. 'Thanks mom! A box, just what I've always wanted!'. So then I look inside it.
"I can't accept this," I say automatically, shaking my head. It is tickets. Two tickets to a football game. The...Miami Dolphins vs. Jaguars, apparently. Really good seats. No effing way.
"Course you can!" She pushed the box back toward me. Who puts tickets in a box, anyway? Shouldn't she have just put them in an envelope, I mean –No. It doesn't matter what it came in because I can't accept it. "I know you probably don't even like sports, let alone football –" Very true. "– you being gay and all –" Also quite possibly true. "But I figured you might want to take some guy you like to it." Wrong. So, so wrong.
"I...Lauren, I...," I'm not even sure how to put this, "No."
"Come on! They were a present for me that I didn't want, so you're doing me a favor by taking them," She shook her head and refused to take the tickets back, "See you in Chemistry."
Then she ran off down the hall.
Why don't I ever understand how I get into things like this?
The bell rings.
Damn, I'm late for fucking class.
-
I avoided Mr. Spencer quite nicely, I think. For someone that has to spend over an hour in his presence, I'm pretty sure I did a damn good job on not having any contact with him. Let's see if I can keep it up for the rest of the year.
On the way home from school, I study the football tickets that Lauren gave me. Why'd she get them for me? Well, she didn't get them. But she gave them to me. Why not her jock friends? Michael, or some other tall, muscular guy that would love to go to a football game. I don't even watch football on television. Alfred does, sometimes, but I quickly walk out of the room. I'm not even sure if it's the sport with goals, baskets or touchdowns, for god's sake.
When I get to the apartment and spot Seaton standing there, smoking his afternoon cancer stick, I get an idea. He raises an eyebrow at me and scowls. I just walk over to him silently and hold out the tickets. He narrows his eyes at me, snatches the tickets out of my hand and his almost-black eyes scan them. He snorts.
"You want me to go with you?" He inquired amusedly.
I blink and shake my head, "No, sir."
He looks to me, back to the tickets in his hands and then back to me.
"You want me to have them?" He snaps unbelievingly.
"Yes, sir," I answer evenly. He glares at me before answering.
"Why?" He sneers.
"Because I don't want them," I reply simply. He rolls his eyes.
"Your father would probably take it from you anyway," He shook his head and handed them back to me, "I'm not going to take these. I don't even like sports. Anyone who gets paid millions of dollars for playing a stupid game needs to go fuck themselves."
I feel one corner of my lips tug at the joke, "Then – then give them to someone else. I don't know what to do with them."
"I'll keep them until Wednesday, then you can give them to your little friends you always hang out with," He said, shoving them in his pocket.
"They aren't my friends," I protest and he rolls his eyes once more, putting out his cigarette and throwing it into the trashcan again.
"Sure," He scoffs, "See you, brat."
Then he walks back into his apartment.
Brat?
Oh.
I thought we'd gotten past that.
Man, it hurts.
-
"Wait, Charlie –What're you doing!?"
"It'll feel good, I promise, Kiddo," He smiles at me, tracing his tongue down my stomach and over me belly button. I shudder.
"But –" His mouth. His hot, wet mouth...it...oh my gosh...it feels – "Charlie!"
I screamed.
I don't think I ever really stopped screaming.
-
On Wednesday, I walk to the bookstore straight from school. Seaton had given me the tickets back that morning. They're in my pocket. I hope Linda and Suki want them. Or Corin. I had almost forgotten about him. The first thing I hear upon entering is Suki talking. Surprise.
"Let's go see a movie!" She exclaims upon seeing me.
"Yeah," Linda agrees, smiling.
"No," I say, shaking my head, and I'm surprised to hear Corin say it with me. Linda blinks and looks at Corin, her eyes flashing with something I can't comprehend before he nods.
"Right, never mind," she acquiesces. Suki frowns.
"But why!?" She pouts, sinking in her chair. She looks to me, "Come on, Jayden, why not? I'll pay for you!"
Well...I suppose...
"No," Corin and Linda both say together. Is this a unison part or something? And yeah, I don't get why not anyway.
"Fine, but just tell me why!" She sulks, "Spiderman three is out."
"I don't like movie theaters," Corin replies simply, taking a sip of his coffee drink. Some kind of iced coffee with whipped cream.
"How can you not like movies?" Suki asks, almost appalled.
"I didn't say I don't like movies," Corin corrects, "I said I don't like movie theaters. I just buy them when they come out on video."
"But why?" Suki demands. Linda was being surprisingly quiet today. Weird. I felt my curiosity being peaked by Suki's incessant questioning.
"I just don't," Corin retorts easily, a hint of annoyance showing in his otherwise calm demeanor. Huh. There's something I don't know...No curiosity! Gosh, I'm slipping over and over again. Curiosity obviously leads to questions. I'm pretty sure you know my stance on asking questions by now. Don't.
"But –"
Linda elbows her girlfriend, "Drop it, Su."
Suki sighs, nods and continues to brood about her loss in the argument. Then I take out the tickets and put them on the table. Corin looks at them interested and then snatches them off the table.
"Football tickets!?" He gasps, "Miami? Miami? Where'd you get them? Holy cow, look at these seats!"
"My friend Lauren," I tell him. He seems excited, "I don't want them."
"You... you don't want them!?" He sputters, "You're giving them to us?"
"Yes," I respond. I can barely stop myself from smiling. His excitement is contagious.
"Heck yes!" He shouts, punching the air. Linda laughs.
"Football is so un-gay, Cor," Linda points out, smiling. She seems relieved that the subject is off movie theaters. That's strange. I wonder - Shut up, brain!
"I know," Corin admits, "A bunch of my friends got me into it down there. I really like it now. Have you seen some of the players? Jason Taylor is my soul mate."
"Isn't he married?" Suki asks dryly. Corin turns his gray eyes on her intensely.
"What's that supposed to mean?" He snarls and Linda giggles softly, her shoulders trembling. Corin turns to me and smiles brightly, "Anyway! Thanks so much, Jayden."
"Yes," I nod and get up to go find a book.
I really don't want to stay here though. I'd really rather be with Seaton, watching a corny movie that I won't even remember anyway. Damn it all to hell. I just want to be with him.
I like him.
I like him.
But that's not fucking right. It isn't supposed to be this way. I'm not supposed to like him, or anyone! After everything...after Charlie... Even though I was so young, I was in love with Charlie. He made me depend on him. Want him. Like him. And eventually, he made me, a seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven-year-old boy fall in love with him. And then he disappeared, and later I learned what he did. I think I always sort of knew it was wrong.
But I let him do it anyway.
I fell in love with him.
But now I like Seaton.
I know it's wrong. I'm wrong. Charlie was wrong. Everything was so fucking wrong. I loved him and he used me. And I didn't even know it until he was long gone to somewhere I don't even know. And now Seaton...how am I supposed to even really love him if, in the back of my mind, I see Charlie everywhere? Charlie was my first love. My first kiss.
My first everything, as corny and horrible as it sounds.
And you want to know the worst part?
I think a part of me is still in love with him.