Sorry it's taken me so long to upload. I've been pretty busy lately and I'm not sure when I'll be able to upload again, but hopefully it'll be soon. Thank you so so so so much to all of my fans and for the votes and comments and what not. One more thing....LISTEN TO THE SONG!!!! I had it on repeat while I wrote this chapter and it just makes everything so much more intense if you listen to it while you read. THank you again, no go click play on the little video I have posted, and commence reading.
Sitting on the hood of Van's car, I took in our surroundings. We were in an open pasture under a large oak tree off the country road. The smell of dewy grass filled the air around us as we continued to eat our Chubb's Burgers. It was like something out of Little House on the freaking Prairie twenty-first century edition.
We hadn't talked since we got there. We were way too busy stuffing our faces and over analyzing every detail of the night so far, or at least I was. For example, why the hell was I in the middle of nowhere? Why the hell was I in the middle of nowhere with Van? Was our kiss replaying over and over and over and over again in his head? Did he want t kiss me over and over and over and over again? Was he going to make a move on me here? Why was his car so comfortable to sit on? Did he like Chubb's as much as I did? Is he going to answer my questions? Does he feel the same way I feel about him? Did the Red Sox win? There was way too much stuff going on in my head, but not enough to distract me from the Russian God sitting beside me.
Van was finishing up his burger as he stared into the distance. Following his gaze, I saw he was looking at the horizon. The sun had been down for awhile now, so the stars were all out and twinkling like there was no tomorrow. There were thousands of them it seemed as I traced my eyes along their intricate patterns. I followed them all the way up to the moon. Tonight, it was only a small crescent, but it was enough to throw a translucent glow over the pasture. Everything seemed to shimmer in the moonlight, but eventually my attention turned back to those millions of shining stars. It was amazing how despite the fact that both my parents were gone, I had thrown away seven years of my life, the Shards were after me, and I couldn't be with the one man I would ever give myself to, that something so beautiful could take place in the same world. As if he was reading my mind, Van spoke up.
"I used to spend a lot of time up here." He sounded like he was remembering past memories, important past memories.
"Really? Why?" We both kept looking at the stars.
"It's kind of a long story." I made a show of looking around us before finally looking at Van. He was shaking his head with that condescending curved smile of his.
"You're right we probably don't have any time for long stories what with all these people and our tight schedule." My voice was heavy in sarcasm while I flashed Van my crooked smile. As if he was getting ready for a lengthy tale, he settled back down into the wind shield and looked up at the sky. His voice came out real quiet and subtle. It made me pay even closer attention than I already was.
"This first time I came here was with Trace actually," my breath caught at the mention of my father's name," It was the night of your mother's funeral," he paused," It was the night you left. Do you ever wonder how long it took me to figure out you had left?"
Within seconds, I understood this was going to be an intense retelling of a very bad night from Van's past. I could only answer his question with a weak frown and small shake of the head.
"I searched Grande Estates for a good two hours, and then I drove all around Boston for another two.I went to every place I could possibly think of. I even checked out the high school. I finally came home, but only so I could borrow Auggie's motorcycle. I figured it would help me find you faster, little did I know you, were already gone," I had only ever known my side of the story. Never had I taken the time to think about how it had been for everyone else, "I was just about to peel put of the garage when Trace stopped me. He didn't seem worried about you at all and it pissed me off more than you can possibly imagine. I was going out of my mind thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to you and your own dad didn't even seem to care."
I could almost picture the anger that Van must have been showing then. He was only telling me about it and he was still shaking. To calm him down, I scooted over to him and pulled his arm over my shoulders so I was tucked under it. His shaking stopped at the feel of our bodies coming together. I was becoming more accustomed to that wonderful electric feel, but it would never cease to amaze me. With me under his arm giving him silent encouragement, Van continued.
"Trace took the keys out of the motorcycle, and I swear to you, if it had been anyone else, I probably would have killed them right then and there. I remember being so mad and upset, but mainly scared that you were being tortured by the Shards and I couldn't do a single thing about it. I tried to persuade him into giving me the keys back but he wouldn't budge, so I tried to hit him," I couldn't hold back my gasp at the thought of Van hurting my father.
"Don't worry; I wasn't even able to lay a finger on him. He just tolerated me until I was too tired to keep going. It must have gone on for only a few minutes, but it felt like hours. I would throw a bunch of punches that your dad would block with flames. My hands were totally blistered and raw when I couldn't do it anymore."
I winced under his arm at the gruesome image he described. Taking one of his monstrous hands in mine, I lightly brushed my lips over it before wrapping my hands around it. I didn't like the idea of my father hurting Van. I didn't like the idea of anyone hurting Van. Maybe I imagined it, but I was pretty sure he sidled up closer to me before he started talking again.
"Your dad walked over to the Camaro and without saying a word to me, got in. Me, being me, and him, being him, followed and got in the car too. He started to drive and I thought he was going to take me to you because he seemed so normal, like his wife hadn't just died, or his daughter wasn't missing, or the accident hadn't even happened. I decided it would be better off for me to trust Trace than to try and fight him again. I knew something was up when we reached Chubb's. Your dad got us food and took us to this exact spot. He parked in this exact spot and tried to eat the exact same meal we did. I uh...I took his bag of food and threw it out the window before getting out of the car and stomping on it. That kind of pissed him off and got the reaction I had been looking for."
"He loves his Chubb's," I murmured against Van's side. I didn't like this story.
"Yeah he does. Well anyway, he stepped out of the car too and started to yell. He was yelling at me, the Shards, God, anybody he could think of, he yelled about. He yelled Torah and Vera over and over again. They were the most pain filled noise I have ever heard another being make. Then the flames came. At first, it was just at random points, but then he started directing them at me. He was looking for a fight-"
"And he knew you were the only one that would fight him back," I finished for him. Lifting my head, I looked into Van's eyes. Sadness glimmered through the bright shine they always had as he brought his hand to cup my face. I felt his thumb stroke my check. That's when I realized I was crying. Leaning into his strong hand, I shut my eyes and focused on the feel of Van and the sound of his voice.
"For an old man, your dad was an amazing Elemental. He is the only person I have ever unleashed my full powers around and it still wasn't enough to stop him. Trace kicked my ass, but I gave him a run for his money," a small smile formed on Van's face as he spoke about my father, "When we were both too exhausted to throw another bolt or flame, we got back in the car. Not wanting to waste any time, I told Trace we needed to go look for you. He just shook his head. I knew that he would only stop looking if he knew where you were. So I asked where you were, and he told me you had left. He said he had seen you leave and for what was going on then, it was what you had needed. Immediately, I tried to get the keys to go after you. I tried to talk him into going after you. I tried to trick him into finding you. When none of that worked, I got out of the car and started running." In disbelief, I opened my eyes and looked into his. They were filled with determination.
"Van, that's ridiculous. Do you realize how far we are from home right now?"
"Torah, I would have run over water for you. It didn't matter if it was one foot or one hundred miles. I would have come after you." Would he still run those one hundred miles for me?"
"But Trace stopped me and fought with me in the middle of the road. I kept trying to take off, but he would stop me every time. On one of the attempts though, he knocked me flat on my ass and told me why I couldn't go after you. He told me why you and I shouldn't...why we can't be together. And as much as it hurt, I had to admit that you were better off without me...us, in your life. We walked back to the Camaro and drove home in silence that night. That was the night I started to forget about you."
That was the night I started to forget about you. His words hit me like a brick wall. That was the night I started to forget about you. I got out from under his shoulder and crawled off the hood of his car. That was the night I started to forget about you. I faced the horizon so he couldn't see the fresh tears that were threatening to fall. That was the night I started to forget about you. Right before they did though, I felt his warm hands on my hips turn me so I had no option but to face him. There was a quiet smile on his face as he looked down at my saddened features.
"You wanted to forget me?" I sounded shaky and hurt.
"I needed to forget you Tor, but I could never want my life free of your grey eyes rolling at me, your long hair flapping behind you, or your never ending legs stretched onto my side of the couch. So whenever it got hard to remember you, to hear your sarcastic voice, or to see your crooked smile, I would come out here and you would come rushing back to me. So I figured it would only be fair to show you were I go to remember you."
"Yeah?" My voice was still shaky, but it was for a different reason this time. He let out a slight husky laugh.
"Yeah." He let go of my waist and grabbed my hand. He licked his lips before tugging me towards the big oak tree. "You've got to see this."
Van looked at the side of the trunk facing us before moving a little to the left. He reached out his free hand and felt a part of the tree. A satisfied sigh left him as he turned back to me. My eyes were focused on the part of the tree he was touching. It was dark, but through the night, I could make out a-. A surprised gasp left me as I realized what I was looking at.
"Is that from you?" We were both looking at a huge gash in the tree. It seemed about a foot wide and a few inches deep. The sides of the slash were singed black.
"It could have been either of us. I found it when I came back the next day."
Turning away from the cut in the tree, I leaned against the trunk and looked at Van. All of my tears were dried now, but swirls of emotions were berating me on the inside. I was sad and angry and melancholy and happy and excited and nervous and so much more at the same time. Van had told me so much, yet none at the same time. He had just given me more unanswered questions. All I wanted was to enjoy this night with Van, but I knew all the questions would get in the way. And the sooner they were answered, the sooner I could focus on other things. Right now though, anger was trumping everything else.
"So my own father didn't even care enough to stop me from leaving? I mean he knew that I was going, he could have stopped me. He could have stopped me from making a huge mistake." My voice broke at the end. Van looked at me with surprise.
"You think leaving was a mistake?" I turned my head up towards the leaves and branches of the tree.
"Sometimes, but that doesn't matter. I left, and my dad didn't stop me. He let me go." Van stepped closer to me so I was pressed between the tree and about three inches of space that separated us. I met his eyes with a defiant look.
"Torah, Trace Grande couldn't have let you go if his life depended on it. There wasn't a day that would pass without him mentioning you. He loved you so much and it nearly killed him having to live without you." Van sounded frustrated, like it wasn't only my father he was talking about. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking.
"Then why did he not stop me?" I spoke in a small tone.
"It was what was best for you, Tor."
"What about you Van? Was it best for you?" His head dropped before coming back up, defeated.
"I keep telling myself it was, but with you being here, it's just a lie. Of course it wasn't best for me. I have had meaningless sex for the past six years of my life, I have lost all of my real friends, and the only time I've been truly happy since you left, was today. Tor, you leaving was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me." The cocky, showoff Van wasn't at all what he portrayed. He was broken, and it was my fault.
"How do you know I haven't been going through the same exact things?" I bit my bottom lip as I tried to stop the pain rushing through me. Van distracted me with a smirk.
"Well I know you haven't had six years of meaningless sex because you're still a virgin." The glint in his eyes added fuel to my rising blush.
"Why didn't you come after me Van?" I just needed to hear a straight answer.
"I did once." Van was staring past me into the distance. This was definitely not the answer I had been looking for. "It was a year after you left. I just had to see you. So I tracked you down and basically followed you one night. I guess we were only eighteen, but you were already so different. You were going out to some night club and I followed you. You were in the club for maybe ten minutes tops when a guy grabbed your ass. It took everything I had not kick his ass, but I was expecting you to do it for yourself. Instead, you smiled and took him to the dance floor. You were rubbing against himin ways that made my blood boil. I had sex for the first time that night. That was the night I became this." I lowered my head in disappointment for myself.
"Why didn't you let me know you were there? Things probably would have turned out a lot different." Like maybe me being your first instead of some one night stand.
"Coming after you was more of a closure thing. I never planned on talking to you, I just needed to see if you had moved on, and well, you seemed pretty moved on. But even if I had said something, it never would have lasted." Van was such an idiot. How could he not see that I would never ever be able to get over him?
"You keep saying we won't last, but how can you know that if you never give us a shot?" Frustration weaved its way through my words.
"You know I can't tell you why." Van was pleading with me, but I was not in a mood for mercy.
"I know you won't tell me, but I don't know why." I was pegging him with a hard glare, daring him to look away.
"Do you want to know why I won't tell you?" His voice was rising in volume.
"Yes!" I raised mine right along with his.
"Fine! I'm not telling you because I'm afraid that if I do, you'll never want to see me again. I'm afraid that you'll hate me. I'm afraid that you'll leave me again. So I'm going to be the selfish bastard that I am and let you believe that everything between us will end in flowers and rainbows when it will be the exact opposite. Because when you do find out what's going on, you're going to be gone before I even realize what happened. I'm not telling you, Torah, because I'm not ready for you to leave!" He was yelling now. In anger I pushed him away from me and stepped around so he was now between me and the tree.
"Then why am I here with you, Van? Why didn't you just leave me at the hospital?" I asked in quiet rage.
"Because I'm one giant asshole. Is that the answer you want? Do you want me to tell you that I brought you here to fall in love with me so when you leave, you're going to be the mess and not me this time?" Van was walking towards me. I backed away.
"Is that the truth?" His eyes softened at my plea.
"The truth, Tor? The truth is that you're going to leave again and soon." I shook my head and tried to speak but he stopped me by placing a warm hand on the side of my stomach, right at the curve.
"Whether it's your choice or not, you're going to leave and go back to whatever you were doing before Trace's funeral, and I'll be completely destroyed. The only thing I'll think about is you. The only thing I'll remember is you. The only thing I'll hear is you. The only thing I'll want is you. So until that day comes, I'm going to surround myself with you. Because I want to know what it would feel like to be yours. I want to know what it would feel like to kiss you anytime I want. I want to know what it would feel like to say things to you without any regret." I breathed slowly as I took in his words. I could feel the agony and deception in them. I could see it in his eyes. I didn't take a step closer to him, afraid it would break whatever was holding us together, but I did dare to ask him another question.
"What kind of things would you want to say to me without regret?" A smile flickered on his beautiful face.
"Out of everything I just admitted to you, that's the one thing you pick out?" I didn't return his smile. His smile was replaced by a blown out breathe. "If I say it, I won't be able to take it back Tor. It'll simmer in the back of your mind at all times. When you try to move on, it'll burn you. When you try to forget, it'll scar you. It'll never let you find happiness."
"Stop assuming how I'll react, Van! You don't know what will happen!" I was talking in high pitch at the end.
"Oh yes I do Torah. I know because that's exactly what it does to me. Feeling the way I do about you is a curse I would wish on no one, and yet, the idea of anyone else caring for you the way I do makes me glad I can't move on. I would rather have this pain, and then see you with someone else, but that's unrealistic. You need...you will move on, and I'm going to do everything I can to help you." I placed my hand over his on my side.
"Then what's this? How am I supposed to forget about this?" Van was creating the most beautiful picture for me, but every time he spoke, it was destroying it.
"This is my own personal hell, or heaven. When you're gone, this is what I'll think about. I'll think about the time we have and will spend together." That dangerous gleam was back in his eyes.
"Will spend together?" I couldn't hold back my smile.
"I'm not giving you up until it's my only option. This is only the beginning of what I have planned."
"Oh yeah? Are we going to go on horse drawn carriage rides or to the grand ball?
"You'll just have to wait and see, but for now, enjoy tonight." His hand started to skim up and down my side, creating a sensual friction between us. Before I gave into his touch, I asked my final question.
"How much time do you think we'll have?" My voice was hazy, but serious.
"Not nearly enough." Van muttered before lifting me up and wrapping my legs around his waist to walk us back to the Camaro.
Every step he took grinded his body against mine. My head was drooped down to the curve of his neck. His scruff was rubbing against my temple as he held me in place. I could feel his strong body move against mine and it wasn't nearly enough. He was right, I was going to enjoy tonight.