Another week passed, drudging on. My depression set in, and since I had no responsibilities, I spent all my time in my bed. I hadn't eaten, except for when Sam brought me smoothies because he said it at least had some substance and he didn't overload it with ice cream or sugars. I didn't hardly talk to him when he came in, I just said simple thank yous, and he would leave it at that... I knew at some point he would start asking me to talk about it, because it "couldn't be bottled up". It "wasn't healthy". And he was damn right, but I wasn't in the mood for it. And there was nothing to talk about.
I had been abused by Dean in an animalistic, senseless way, that tainted some pretty precious things in my life. I was thankful I had tried to avoid looking at him when it happened, because I only know what it felt like, even though my mind created its own mental images, which I sometimes feared were worse. But they were fragments... they were less repeatable than actual memories.
It was like I was in shutdown mode, because while I was anxious and depressed, it didn't do anything. I didn't move besides just to be in a new position. I slept for as long as I wanted to sleep, and was awake for as long as I wanted to be. I didn't touch any books, I didn't write. I maybe watched TV once in a while to lighten up, but once I was sucked out of the unreality, hidden in other worlds through what I was viewing, I went straight back to being a poor excuse of a wife. I knew it wasn't Dean's fault this was happening, and I could only imagine what he was saying to Sam and Cass as they tried to cleanse him of the demonism, but I tried not to let my mind wander and explore all the infinite possibilities anxiety helped me design.
This "fine" morning, I stared up at the ceiling, warm tears running down my cheeks, dripping against my neck and the cold sweat that layered me all my days in bed. Sam came in and told me that I didn't look too good and that I needed to get up and do something. I refused and turned away from him. I could feel that I was somewhat malnourished, and if I kept this up, I could get sick easily. Stress and a torn down immune system didn't mesh well together. I had started feeling feverish, and I ached, but that was about it.
"I uh... I have some bad news Hannah," he walked in and sat on the bed.
"What? Is Dean dead?" I didn't bother to turn back to him...
"Well, no... he - escaped, somehow... *pause* Cass and I think he's with Crowley and they've been teaming up,"
I didn't show remorse or emotion. If they fucked up and Dean managed to get away, that was on them and I'd let their sorry asses deal with it. "Okay well figure it the fuck out.," I cut down Sam with my biting tone, "I just want this all fixed. I want my baby back home. I'm tired of this shitty ass waiting game. It needs to stop,"
"You know, you're not the only one tired of waiting and trying to figure this out. Don't be selfish Hannah,"
I sat up and snapped. "Oh, what? Like you and Dean don't have a single selfish bone in your bodies? All you two do is fight for each other no matter what the other says. You can't lose each other so you do whatever it takes no matter what. Now tell me, that isn't selfish, is it?"
"Well you could be helping more than you are! And all I've been doing is being un-selfish and taking care of you! You could be helping more!"
"But I can't Sam! I physically and mentally can't! And I asked you to shoot him! I gave you the demon bullet! So how the hell did he escape?!"
"I said already... Crowley, Hannah... apparently they've been in cahoots and he was the one who helped Dean turn demon after he died, since the Mark won't let him die. When he died, it brought him back as a demon,"
"Oh duh, because the King of Hell attaches himself to bad ass demons, ones who can do serious damages and be his companions, of course Sam," sarcasm and cutting anger went against him.
"You talk as if this is all my fault! You have to remember Crowley showed him the Mark, and Crowley got him into this mess... but... he's probably the one who can get him out, too,"
"But what I'm thinking, is he got away somehow... now whose fault is that?" I asked something fairly obvious that was just meant to take another stab at Sam.
"Not mine! It couldn't be! And even if I had been there when Crowley got him out, he's the freaking King of Hell, I couldn't stand his power and Dean's! You can't place this all on me, Hannah..." he calmed down and asked me to hug him. I of course did and broke down. "You're stressed, and trying to piece this all together... but you can't place the blame where it doesn't belong - not on me, not on yourself... this isn't our fault..."
"I know... can I just... I need to go to sleep... we can talk tomorrow in the morning..."
He didn't want me to go on sleeping, like I'd promised him I wouldn't do, because it was a part of me being strong. But I wasn't really all that strong... and this was all that felt right to me.
***
We discussed all our options, all that we could do, and again, Sam left me behind, this time with Castiel, in order to try and solve this before it got any worse, before Dean killed anyone else, or became worse than he already was. Two months of researching and searching passed, feeling like years upon years, or how Dean described his time in hell... how four months felt like forty years in hell... well this was my hell on earth, and it felt like twenty years, painfully dragging, piercing hooks into my skin, one for each day he was gone, one deeper and deeper til they reached my heart, then pierced that too, and left scars for the time I missed him, for the time I dreaded and feared what he was doing, what would happen to him, what would happen to me if he never came back with our brother... but worse, I was pricked in the stomach, by something so seemingly harmless, something that should leave happy, grandiose butterflies in my stomach... or a grandiose concern...
Since Sam had had no luck he returned for some time while he did some more research, and kept an eye on me... he would end up having to do more than just keep an eye on me...
"Hey Sammy... Can I talk to you? Please?"
"Yeah what's up?" he didn't look up from his laptop except for when I first entered the room, but then his attention went back to the computer.
"Well, uh Sam... it's kinda.. I mean, it's really... really important... I need your full attention, please,"
My stomach was upset and I was nervous. He closed his laptop now and leaned forward and asked me to sit down. He saw I was flushed in my face and saw how fast I was breathing. He held my hands in his when he realized that I was talking about something that might have serious detriment...
"What's going on, Sis?"
I stared at his hands, a glaze over my eyes with tears, either from anger or confusion, or happiness? Maybe sadness? But then I came to terms that it was most likely all of those, in a highly ambivalent state...
"Hey... it's alright... *pause* did you hurt yourself again?" there was silence...
And then I started giggling hysterically thinking it was insane I was even going to say any of this.
"I think... I think I... I'm..." what was the right way to say this without scaring him? "I... uh..." again, giggles flooded the room. Then silence, as a slight smile lingered on my lips, "You're an uncle, Sammy... I think, at least..."
He was left speechless. He didn't speak for a good three minutes at least. He just stared at me and my hands with that same old confused and bewildered look on his face.
"But... when? And... and how? Are you sure??"
"Well I think I would have had my period by now... it's been a couple months since my last... It was before any of this happened, before Dean died... A really... Passionate.. night, when things were.. " I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly, wondering why I was trying to give details.
"Yeah, you don't have to say... that makes sense... well, we'll get Cass in here and he'll.. What? Do like a - an ultrasound... and he'll have to be your caretaker... again," he laughed which made me smile, but then the fear that was found in my tears earlier came out again.
When he came, we found that I was in fact pregnant, and thankfully, the baby was human, no angelic presence, and was not affected by my grace at all. The baby was healthy and so was I, since I had started having cravings and was asking Sam for specific foods. It made sense now, not that I was starving, but that I was actually hungry and eating for two. Sam thought it was just because I hadn't been eating when he brought me food. We were both dead wrong. They said that I was not to leave the bunker at all because of this, until I had the baby, which would be a loonnnng time and I wasn't prepared to stay there for seven more months. However, Cass would be there with me until he was needed for anything outside of being with me. I hated that in the midst of this I didn't have Dean by my side...
*One week later*
Castiel goes on several quests, all sorts of different places, to find good, healthy foods that would nourish and keep me pure and healthy during my pregnancy. I had fun trying all these new foods and drinking fine juices, smoothies, and cleanest waters that he brought me. He said in a few weeks when I was further along, he could determine the sex of our child, if I would like. I immediately got excited to know that, because then I could pick out names, clothes, colors for their part of our room.
I had become comfortable in Dean's and my room again, and was thankful for that at least... the smells of his blankets wore off over time, and eventually I decided they needed to be washed. I was up and more active, and although my anxiety heavily loomed over me each day, my depression was drifting out of sight. I was thankful. Both Sam and Castiel noticed healthy colors coming back into my face, and I was gaining a healthy, steady amount of weight as I got a little further into my pregnancy. I was thankful they were both protecting me and keeping me healthy.
Seeing Castiel smile in admiration of this journey I was on warmed my heart and I found I was blessed to have him as the one to take care of me and be by my side during all of this.
*Another two weeks later*
One more week and I would get to figure out the gender! I always had envisioned my first child as a girl, but I wouldn't care either way, as long as our baby was healthy, and had their daddy's eyes. When I grew up, and suffered and endured everything I had, I used to have these random thoughts, about me talking to my daughter, about her hurting herself and never having known her mother struggled with that.. Or I would envision us talking about her first love. I would have conversations with her in my head, and have no idea where they came from. Now I could say, that the angelic grace in my heart was helping me through my rough times, and helping me gaze into the future.
*Three months pregnant*
Castiel puts his hand to my stomach while Sam sits by, waiting as anxiously as me and anticipating the acknowledgment of the newest Winchester, his niece or nephew.
"Her heartbeat is quite strong, it's lovely... She seems perfect, Hannah. Congratulations on your baby girl," I squealed with happiness at this new information and got excited about finding little clothes for her, bottles, diapers, a crib, blankets... I would spoil her as much as I could and give her all the love in the world.
*Three months later*
My belly was now huge and it was hard for me to get into the bath to wash. I absolutely loved feeling my little Faith Winchester move around and kick happily in my stomach. I had just set up and bought a lot of her stuff, with close supervision of Castiel, even though they originally said that I couldn't leave. I also bought a comforter and pillow set for me and Dean, hoping he would be home soon, and our room would feel more like a home than a prison cell, although I never really thought of it that way, but a change was due and I loved the way everything looked now. I also had made some paintings and set those on our shelves, and I drew a picture of me and Dean and hung it centered above our bed. Throughout this time of isolation and living without Dean, I learned a lot about myself, and had been managing my anxiety better, a lot of that for our little girl more than for myself. Castiel said he noticed I looked healthier on my diet, and didn't look like I was gaining much weight besides the area around my belly, and some in my face, but what I gained was healthy and easily looseable considering the field of work we were in. I always thought he was rather humorous, and very innocent still, because he was like my "best girl friend" in some ways, but also the helpful older brother and best friend, even though Sam had won that place in my heart as well. I really wanted Dean to be home, but I also realized I couldn't rush time, and that he needed to heal.
Castiel had went and got authentic natural incense from Ancient Egypt, and also brought some classical CDs to play and relax me and Faith, since she had been a bit restless recently. I closed my eyes with a cool rag over my eyes, and leaned back on my bed while Castiel started the first song. It was fairly long, and after the first had stopped and the second started, I heard yelling distantly. It was my name... And I swore it was Dean...
"Hannah? Darlin', where are you?!" it was my Dean... I heard Sam's voice, directing him. And then mumbles from Dean, saying things like "is she okay? How has she been?" but it was mostly rapid scurrying through the halls to get to me.
I was scared he would hurt me again or that he wasn't okay still.. even if he wasn't a demon I was now more terrified of the Mark... but he called me darling, so that was a sign right?
He came into our room, panting, looking so hopeful and disappointed in himself, and then he saw my stomach, but he couldn't take his eyes off me. He had tears welling up, and looked like he had seen a ghost, if seeing ghosts still scared them...
"Oh my God Hannah I'm so sorry..." he walked closer, one hand held up to tell me to stop. I was holding a knife at my side and stood up, still wary of him... but I felt love invading my heart, and butterflies as I felt my baby kicking excitedly... I knew she could feel my tension, but I hoped soon she would hear mommy and daddy's voices together, and her kicks would be from happiness.
"Baby put the knife down. It's me... I'm okay now, I promise... *pause* look look," he picked up a flask with holy water in it and splashed it on his arm, with no reaction. He asked me to put the knife down, as he stepped closer, and I could tell he was ready to be in my arms again, and I was ready too.
"Oh Dean," I rushed to him and squeezed him as tight as I could with my big belly being a block and creating more space between us than either of us wanted. He couldn't stop running his fingers through my hair, and soon he was sobbing out loud. He pulled away and kissed me several times, passionately, longingly, knowing what he missed and it was something he hated missing, so he was taking all he could get right now. His hands still stayed in my hair. I did the same to him, and I felt his chest and clenched onto his shirt while I cried through our kisses. I took in his scent, not the most pleasant, but he smelled natural, and like himself, not like alcohol, not like terrible body odor... wholesome and earthy.. and I was comforted by it. He kissed my cheeks, my neck, my forehead. He didn't know when to stop he just showered me and over and over, through tears and trembles, he wouldn't stop saying he was sorry and that he missed me so much.
I pulled away from him, and with a smile on my face, I knew what was coming when he greeted me with his own broken smile and wiped some of his tears.
"I love you Hannah Winchester," he sniffled while his forehead rested against mine. He held one of my hands against his chest, and I could feel his heart beating, which was a relief because that also told me he was okay and no longer a demon...
"Let me look at you beautiful..." he held my face in his hands, one closer to my neck and his fingers rubbed gently behind my ear. With his other hand he used his thumb to stroke underneath my eye. He stared into my eyes for the longest time, and again, I forgot what things existed in time and space - besides us. His eyes were red from crying, which I hadn't seen him do too often, or at least not this much, but one thing planted firmly in my mind was how bright they were at the same time, vibrant green in the midst of a reddened sea of tears. Now he had me choking up.
"I've missed you so much Dean,"
"I know darlin' and I'm so sorry because of that," his grip on my cheeks tightened.
"You know this wasn't your fault, though, right??"
He shook his head... "Being killed wasn't my fault... but... the Mark.. I wish I'd never gotten into this mess... I wish I'd never worked with Crowley on this... it did nothing but make everything worse..."
He was angry with himself and I could tell, so I just held onto his cheeks and told him he needed to stop beating himself up...
"I love you... I have through all of this... I knew it wasn't you... it was... scary, for sure... but I had to remind myself... that this is not you... and did not define you... you're still my Deany-Bean,"
"I am," he laughed in a sigh, and didn't say how much he hated that name...
He kissed me softly and I savored tasting him again for the first time in months, besides the time when his kisses were bitter and left sour blood aftertaste in my mouth. Feeling his warmth and breath again delighted me. He then kissed my forehead, leaving his lips there, only to allow me to feel several of his tears ripple off onto my skin. He was shuddering and I could tell he was scared to look at me again because he felt like a disgrace. Eventually, his curiosity got to him, and instead of making this extremely depressing and heart-wrenching, he got on his knees and held my very pregnant belly in his hands this time.
"Well I'd hope this little guy is mine, right?" he managed a laugh now and I smiled as I wiped away my tears.
"Yes she is. She's all yours Dean,"
"Well she better look like her mamma - I wouldn't make a very pretty girl," again, more laughter. Sam and Castiel were in the room.
Through some tears, I laughed, and a few more came out, and I said, "How's it going, you two?" they laughed at me... each having shed a few of their own tears. I knew Sam and Dean had probably already shared their own hugs, I didn't know if Dean had hugged Castiel yet, but I was sure it would come at some point.
Laughter filled with release, laughter that felt so good because none of us had had true laughter filled with joy, and peace, and contentment in so long. Laughter accompanied with smiles that lit up the room, that hid the darkness of our past and made way for a future that would only be brighter, hopefully. But I knew even in the dark moments of the future, at least now he was here to stand by me.
"Well I want our little Faith to have your eyes at least, okay?" I continued the conversation he started.
He stood up and then looked into my eyes. "Nahh... you've got the most beautiful ones..." he sniffled and kissed me again.
I gasped, "But they could end up being hazel! Then the truly most beautiful eyes would belong to our daughter,"
"Did you say her name was Faith?"
"Mhmmm," I bit my lip cutely with a grin positioned comfortably still. But tears hung in my eyes, now out of happiness.
He nodded and said he liked that name.
"Do you want to know her middle names?"
"Hold on... Names? As in - as in like, plural?" he batted his eyes a few times.
"That isn't weird, is it?"
"Well uh... a little yeah, but it depends. What are they?"
"Welllll, I was thinking of Johanna-Marie..." I paused while he thought a bit, if they were random names or if they meant something... "for John and Mary,"
Now he lost it again and pulled me close. He couldn't stop telling me how sorry he was for leaving, how lucky he was to have me of all the women in the world he could have had, and how much he loved me. He told me he wouldn't ever let me have a day where he didn't hear that, even if we fought, even if we weren't by each other, even if his phone died while we were apart - he would make sure that I always knew. As he's telling me all this, the color again fades from his face, but now he looked as though he would throw up. He was remembering something.. something evil, and twisted, that he would never live down.
"Is she..." tears welled in his eyes... "Is she.."
"She isn't... there's absolutely nothing wrong with her Dean... She's also really healthy. Cass has been my caretaker this whole time. He does checkups, he makes sure I eat and drink right, and get enough to nourish us both.. He's given me amazing remedies and all sorts of things that have strengthened me and made for a healthy pregnancy,"
He nodded and remained silent, and made his way over to his best friend, and pulled him into a hug. He was still quite somber despite the good news of my health.
"What is it?" I kissed his cheek and rested my head against his shoulder. He leaned his head against mine.
"You know... I was awake for... all of it..."
"So.. you were possessed? Or was it you?"
"I mean..." he shook his head... "Yes and no... I was still me.. and in my head, I had these feelings... and memories... but it was like I was a whole new person. It was like I was in control of my body, I knew right and wrong, but I was dead set on a life as a demon... and I liked it... I didn't want to turn back..." he shook his head and cried some more. "I tried to turn it off like some crappy channel on tv, but I couldn't... I saw myself hurting you, and terror in your eyes. I saw you shouting at me, which, lord knows, you hardly ever do - or I can see at least you aren't raging irate at me..." he jerked away from me and sat on our bed with his head in his hands, verbally sobbing, his words hoarse and broken, quivering like a child does through sniffles when they begin calming down from crying, "I slept with - other women... I killed people, and some... innocent..." I grabbed his face very firmly, almost aggressively. While that scared me and made my heart sink at his words, I turned him towards me and kissed him in a very frustrated but loving manner. There was a whole lot of passion and I felt him cooling off and forgiving himself just a little.
"That wasn't you Dean... You know what's right and wrong, and now you are clearly representing all those things as wrong situations... but look at us now... I forgive you, 100%... trust might take time, but I also know that you were a demon... you couldn't control that. Darling... Look at me..." I grabbed him by his chin, and tried to smile at him as hard of a time I knew he was having... his pain was my pain... but my joy was his joy... "we have a little girl coming in a few months... I'm so so grateful for that. And that you're her daddy," I rubbed his back and kissed his shoulder and tried to get him to smile, but I understood it would take him time to forgive himself.
"But... but what kind of life is it on the road like this? And for a little girl?"
"I'm not gonna yell at you because it would stress me out, but don't fucking say any of that Dean... You and your brother got into it young, and now I, along with many others, think you are some of the most courageous, brave men in the world. It'd be a privilege to have a daughter like that, who follows after mommy and daddy,"
"But-"
"No buts Dean Winchester. Leave it," he snuggled up against me and left it like I said, and gently kissed my belly and hugged it as well. I snuggled into his warmth.
I will do without, the spaces in between
If you can tell me now, what it means to be
You have been found out
I have been deceived, by the one that I need
Tell me why you gotta be so cold,
How'd you get so high while you're keeping me low
You don't know.. you don't know
And tell me how we're gonna make it last
You're ready to fly, I'm ready to crash
Don't go... don't go... no...
You will go without, a better part of me
There will be no doubt, to what this all could mean
You will be found out...
I cannot believe, the one that I need
...Cold...