Out of Time
Chapter 2
182 days before (continued)
"Wait...I have cancer?" I said, feeling my whole world fall down.
"I'm so sorry, James," Dr. Johnson said.
I just looked down at my hands, but soon looked away because I felt worse staring at the sickly pale color. "You have leukemia to be exact," Dr. Johnson said.
I wanted to break out into a run, just sprint away from this awful place and leave. I was going to leave anyways, why not now? "Is there any questions or concerns you have?" Dr. Johnson asked.
"Yeah. How long do I have to live?" I asked, a tinge of bitterness in my voice.
"We can take an educated guess, but it would depend on a number of factors," Dr. Johnson said.
"Like what?"
"How you take care of your body, if you decide to go through chemotherapy, take special medications," Dr. Johnson said.
"And if I don't? How long then?" I asked.
"Maybe a year? Two years? We can't know for sure," Dr. Johnson said. "I'm truly sorry, James."
I felt like dying right then and there. I just nodded, staring at the tiles on the floor which were becoming more and more interesting. "Here's an informational pamphlet. If you have any questions at all, feel free to contact us," Dr. Johnson said.
I just continued to look at the tiles, ignoring him completely. "Thank you," Siva said, taking the pamphlet from his hand.
Dr. Johnson nodded, and I could feel his sympathetic stare on me. "I'm truly sorry, James," he said for what seemed like the thousandth time.
I just nodded again and he exited the room, leaving Siva and I alone. "Let's just go home," I mumbled, standing up from my seat.
Siva nodded, getting up as well. "Would you like me to pick you up anything on the ride home? I can get you some food, films, anything you really want-"
"Siva, I'm not dead yet," I said, cutting him off in a harsh tone, "don't treat me like I am."
"You shouldn't act like you are either," Siva said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You said it yourself, you're not dead yet," Siva said.
I just sighed and Siva nodded at me. "Okay, then let's go home," he said.
I nodded at him as we left the room and walked to the elevator, getting inside as Siva hit the button for the main lobby. More people filed into the elevator and I could feel them staring at me, looking at how pale and sickly I was, like they knew I was dying. This was how it was going to be from now on. I might as well get a gun because I know I can't take this for long.
The elevator stopped at the main lobby and the doors opened. Siva and I got out along with the other people. I could hear them whispering things to each other, probably things about me. I sighed, hugging my black sweatshirt closer to myself and looked down at the tiles on the floor as I walked out of the hospital. Then, I bumped into something. It was another person.
"Oh my god I'm so sorry," she said.
"It's fine," I said, looking up at her. She was beautiful. Long, wavy brown hair and bright blue eyes that didn't quite match my own, as hers had a tinge of gray in them, making them more stunning. I looked at her for what seemed like forever, but in reality was a few short seconds.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I nodded my head. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Sorry for bumping into you," she said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
"That's okay. I wasn't looking where I was going. It's my fault," I said.
She gave me a gentle smile before nodding at me and walking towards the elevators. I watched her as she left, getting inside an elevator and disappearing from my sight. "You like her don't you?" Siva asked.
"No," I said, a lie that was clear as day.
Siva nodded at me. "She was pretty," he said.
No. She wasn't pretty at all. She was absolutely beautiful. "Yeah. She was," was all I said.
"You want to go after her?" Siva asked.
Yes. I wanted to run into that elevator with her and get her name and talk to her, but I didn't, and I know I should have. I shrugged. "It's fine," I said.
"Well you ready to go home?" Siva asked.
I nodded, and we walked out of the hospital and into the parking garage. We both got inside the car and began driving home. I just looked out the window, watching the cars drive by. I don't even understand why it made me more depressed, but it did. I sighed and looked down at my hands again, then slid them up the sleeves of my sweatshirt. I couldn't even look at my skin anymore. About halfway there, Siva asked, "Are you sure you don't want me to pick you up anything?"
I shook my head. "I'm fine." No I wasn't. I wanted to die already.
"You know I'm only trying to help you. You can't do this alone, Jay," Siva said.
I nodded. "I know," I said softly.
Siva took a glance at me before turning his attention back to the road. "Well would you like to come over for dinner? I don't know what Nareesha is making, but it's always good." Siva asked.
I smiled at him. "Okay," I relented.
Siva smiled at me and drove the rest of the way home. Once we got to his house, he parked in the garage and we both went inside. He walked up to Nareesha and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "Looks great, baba," he said, kissing her cheek.
"Thanks," she smiled at him, before continuing to cook. She then looked up to see me. "Hi Jay, are you staying for dinner?" She asked.
"If that's okay. Siva invited me," I said.
"Of course. You're always welcome here," Nareesha smiled.
I smiled back at her. Siva and I helped finish up dinner by making a salad and setting up the table. Once all the food was on the table we served ourselves and began eating. "So Jay, anything new going on?" Nareesha asked.
Other than me finding out that I was dying? No, nothing new. I bit my lip. "I went to the doctor's today," I said.
"And I'm assuming that went well? You're in good health," Nareesha said.
"Actually, no," I said.
Nareesha looked up at me, putting down her fork. "What's wrong?" She asked.
"Well I went to the doctor's today, and then I went to the hospital where I found out I have leukemia," I said, wanting to burst into tears.
Nareesha looked at me, like she was about to cry. She got up from her seat and pulled me in for a hug. "Oh my god Jay...I'm so sorry," she said.
I nodded and returned the hug, feeling my eyes well up with tears, but forcing them back. She then released from the hug and sat back down in her chair. "So what do you have to do for it?" She asked.
"They recommended that I go through chemotherapy and take medications," I said.
"For how long?" Nareesha asked.
"Until my year is up," I said sadly.
"A year? You have a year?" Nareesha said incredulously.
I nodded and she quickly got out of her seat again, pulling me in for another hug. "I'm so so sorry, Jay. It doesn't make sense why you have to have leukemia when you're one of the best people I know. You don't deserve it at all, but you can fight through this," Nareesha said.
I shook my head at her and pulled away from the hug. "Why bother? I know I'm going to die anyways, and I would rather it be now. I don't want to fade out on an operating table and not be able to open my eyes. Why should I live to suffer?" I said.
"Jay, you may have to suffer, but that's a part of living. Every one of us has to suffer in some way to call ourselves strong. I'm sorry that leukemia is your way, but this is what's going to make you strong. You are going to fight through all of this and you are going to live," Nareesha said.
"Maybe I don't want to! Maybe I should just get a gun and put a bullet in my head because I don't want to suffer! Nareesha, I have one year left and I just don't see the point in living," I said.
"Jay, you're only twenty-three years old. You deserve to live a life, not die without knowing what you could have had. There are thousands of survival stories out there for cancer, and you could be one of them!" Nareesha said.
"But what if I don't want to be? I don't want to suffer any more than I already am because right now I am dying. I am dying right in front of your eyes and you don't see it!" I said, trying to restrain my tears.
"I don't see it because you're looking at the wrong version of yourself. Jay, all I see is life inside of you and you are so blinded that you can't see it yourself," Nareesha said.
"I don't see it because it's just not there! I am suffering, and I am dying. I have to live this way for a year and that's not how I want to live it. I want to be you where I'm happily with someone who I know is the love of my life, I want to be able to have kids and start a family, I want to grow old with a wife and see my grandchildren, but I won't ever have that. Don't you see it? It was just never my destiny. I was meant to have leukemia, and I was meant to go home right after this dinner and kill myself!" I said.
"Jay! Don't you dare do that! You have to fight through this even if you think you shouldn't, even if it's the hardest battle you have yet to accomplish, but you will. You are going to do all the things you want to do in life because you are meant to live it, not take it away," Nareesha said.
"Mate, think of how we'll react if you die," Siva said.
"I'm already dying, Siva! You're going to have to get used to it because in one year, whether I take my own life out or not, I am going to die," I said.
"No you're not. Stop saying that," Nareesha said.
"Nareesha, the doctor said I have a max of two years left. That's it," I said.
"I don't care what the doctor said. You prove them wrong and make us proud of you because I know you, Jay. You are going to win this battle against cancer and without realizing it, you'll win this battle against suicide," Nareesha said.
I just stared at her. "I'm dying Nareesha," I said, bursting into tears.
"I know, Jay. I know," Nareesha said, enveloping me in a hug.
"How can I live this way?" I cried.
"I don't know, but you should," Nareesha said.
"But I can't."
"But you will."
"But I'll try."
"And you'll live."
"And I'll live."
---
151 days before
I didn't kill myself, but I probably should have if I knew how bad of a physical state I was in now. I looked thinner, and I actually was. I had lost a total of 25 pounds already, and I was bound to lose more.
Every morning I would wake up and it would be the same routine. I would force my body out of bed and walk into the bathroom, taking a look at my reflection in the mirror. My face was even more sickly than it had ever been and I knew it was going to get worse. I then would go through my medicine cabinet, take a few pills for the pain and walk downstairs.
Normally, I would have called out from work because I was so sick, but now I didn't have to. I was laid off, and I guess I had to expect that. I had called out every single day for about two weeks and eventually my boss had had enough. He solemnly told me I was being fired, and wished me the best, even though I knew he was happy to let me go. I was just wasting his time, making him short staffed, and now he could hire someone new. I personally don't blame him, I wouldn't want someone like me either.
I would then walk upstairs to my room again and put on a sweatshirt to keep warm, as I was cold most of the time. Laying down on my bed I would stare up at the ceiling, wondering why I was cursed with this disease. This wasn't fair anymore and I just had to deal with it, but I knew that my time was quickly running out, with or without the medication.
I sighed, getting up from bed. I grabbed my phone and car keys and walked downstairs, going out to my car and starting it up, driving to the cafe close by that I loved. I might as well indulge myself as much as I wanted, not like it mattered anymore, and I could use the extra weight.
I parked the car and walked inside, walking to the cash register. "One medium tea and a chocolate croissant please," I said.
I paid for my things and took the bag that had the croissant inside and my tea, before moving to the small table they had set up with cream, sugar, and other things. I opened the lid of my tea, putting cream and sugar in it before closing it up and walking to the door. I heard my phone ring from my pocket and stopped to answer it when someone bumped into me and my tea spilled onto the floor.
"Oh my god I'm so sorry," she said, and I looked up at her, recognizing that wavy brown hair.
"It's fine," I said, bending down and picking up my cup of tea, throwing it into the trash can.
"Can I get you another one?" She asked.
"It's not a problem, love," I said.
"Please, let me," she smiled.
"Okay," I smiled.
"Medium tea, right?" She asked.
"Right," I said.
She nodded at me and went to the register, ordering my tea and then walking to the small table. "How many creams and sugars?" She asked.
"Two of each," I said.
She nodded and did so before putting the lid back on and walking over to me. "I'm really sorry for bumping into you again," she said.
I just stared into those blue eyes for a moment, becoming hypnotized by them. "Wait, don't I know you from somewhere?" She asked.
"I...I don't know. You look familiar though," I said. What a lie. I knew exactly where I had seen her before.
She nodded, brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Would you like to sit down and have some tea with me?" She asked.
"Yeah, sure," I said, nodding and giving her a smile.
"Okay, I'll go get a cup while you get a table?" She asked.
I nodded, doing just that and waiting for her to come back. I took a sip of my tea as I waited for her, and somehow it tasted better when she made it.
She walked back over to me and I smiled at her. "I guess I should start off by introducing myself. I'm Erin," she said, putting her hand out for me to shake.
I smiled at her. "I'm James, but everyone calls me Jay," I said, taking my pale hand and shaking hers. She didn't even seem to notice or care about my complexion at all, and this was a first.
"So I'm sorry about bumping into you and spilling your tea," Erin said.
"Hey, it's no problem," I smiled. I then opened my bag and pulled out my chocolate croissant. "Would you like some?" I asked.
"Sure, thank you," she said, as I split it in half and gave her one.
Erin took a bite. "It's good."
"Yeah. I always get them when I come here," I said.
"I can see why," Erin smiled.
I smiled at her. She was literally the first person who hasn't asked me why I was so pale or skinny. I loved that.
"So tell me about yourself, Jay," Erin said.
"Well I was born here in Nottingham, I have three brothers and a sister, I'm twenty-three years old, and you can probably tell that I love my tea," I said with a laugh.
"Alright, well I was born in the U.S. as you can probably tell from my accent," Erin said, "I'm also twenty-three, I have two brothers and I also love tea."
I smiled at her. This whole conversation with Erin went on for about an hour, and I just loved how it never stopped. We just kept rambling on about our lives, our likes and dislikes, different experiences we had, and it was nice doing this again, getting to know people. I was glad to have met Erin, knowing someone who doesn't know my whole story, but doesn't have to know. And I have to say, it was beautiful, almost as beautiful as she was.
When 3 o'clock rolled around, Erin had to leave. "It was nice to meet you, Jay," she said, giving me a hug.
I was shocked at first that she would do this so suddenly, but I soon wrapped my arms around her, returning the hug. She released from the hug and we exchanged phone numbers. She waved at me and I gave her a small wave back, watching her leave through the large window in the cafe to her car. She then left from my sight and I smiled at her.
I threw my trash out into the trash can and walked to my car, sitting down in the driver's seat. I didn't know what it was about Erin, but I loved it, and that only made me fight harder for myself.
~~~~~~~~
Thanks for reading! Remember to follow my fan page @twarelovely on Instagram!
Oooooh could Jay have found his little lover??? Hmm things are getting interesting, but if you cried during the beginning with Jay's talk with Nareesha and Siva you're not alone. I cried too...
Love you lovelies
Liz