My friends were celebrating because we finally made it into Paradise. No more WICKED. No more tests. No more problems. For them that's how it is. After everything we've gone through, they can finally rest and start a new life. Move on.
They deserve it. All our hard work has paid off. But then my mind drifted back to Newt.
I wish he was here with me, but I was the reason why he wasn't. I haven't kept count on how long it's been since I last saw him, but the memory of our final meeting kept on playing in my mind as if it was only yesterday.
I was staring at Thomas and Newt and the horrific scene that was bestowed upon me. Newt was begging for Thomas to kill him, to end his suffering. Thomas was so scared and sad. I would be too if my best friend would ask me to kill him.
Then Newt told Thomas how he got his limp. It was a story that was never revealed to Thomas until now. I didn't bother to listen. I didn't want to relive that day again. When he was done, I made my presence known to both boys who were shocked when they saw me.
"(Y/N) leave. I don't want you to see this," Newt told me.
I looked at Thomas who agreed with Newt. I was contemplating if I was going to leave because I knew that if Thomas killed Newt, he'll never be able to live with himself. Brenda might be there to help him, as well as Minho but Thomas will forever hate himself because of this. He won't look at it as saving his best friend, but just basically killing him. Thomas will never be the same again.
"No." I stood my ground.
Newt's eyes turned dark and I could no longer recognize him. He was about to attack me but Thomas blocked him before he could be near me. Thomas dropped the gun when he blocked Newt. I quickly picked it up and pointed it at Newt. Newt stopped struggling and was now against the wall staring at Thomas and I.
"(Y/N) give me the gun," Thomas told me.
"No Thomas," I told him. "You go. I'll kill Newt." I never thought that the last sentence would ever leave my mouth.
"GO!" I yelled at him. He still didn't move.
"Go Tommy," Newt said. I saw a glimpse of the old Newt when he said that. A glimpse of the Newt that I fell in love with.
Thomas gulped and ran away as fast as he could. When he was out of sight, I faced Newt who was now staring at me. Millions of emotions ran through me but I doubt any of it showed on my face. I wanted to throw away the gun and run into his arms like I used to do. However, my feet were frozen in position and the gun stayed in my hands...pointed at him.
"Are you going to kill me now?" He asked me. I took a deep breath to stop myself from breaking down.
"Yes."
I walked closer to him until the end of the gun was placed on the side of Newt's temple. Just one pull and it'll all be over. Just one pull and he'll no longer be here. I crouched in front of him and stared at him.
"What are you waiting for?"
"I just wanted to do this before you go."
I leaned in and kissed him. It didn't take long and he kissed me back.
How long were we like this? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Days? I didn't know and I didn't care. If I could stop time I would've. Because I knew once I pulled away, it's all over. Nothing will be the same ever again.
"I love you," I whispered to him.
"I love you too."
I quickly pulled away and shot him. I screamed when I heard the gunshot. I turned around and let myself break down on the ground and cry. I didn't want to turn around but curiosity was winning. I wanted to see him. I threw the gun away and turned around. Then I saw Newt who's now dead, his blood pooling around him.
I didn't stop the wail that escaped my mouth as I crawled to him and laid his head on my lap. His eyes were closed as if he was sleeping and I played with his hair. My eyes landed on the hole that was on his head. A hole that was there because of me. I killed him and ended his suffering.
Somehow I'm glad that I did. Now he's in a better place and he's feeling no more pain. That's what I told myself so I would feel better. So I wouldn't feel so guilty.
But now I'm the one feeling pain. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to escape from this world. I picked up the gun and placed it on my head. I was about to pull the trigger but someone was holding my hand. I looked up and saw that it was Newt. I thought I was going crazy since Newt was over here.
"(Y/N) please don't do it," he told me.
"But I can't live without you. I can't live with the guilt."
"You can live without me. Live your life fully. Live it for the both of us."
I didn't want to listen but then I found myself dropping the gun into the ground. "Okay," I promised.
After that, I went to Thomas and gave him a nod saying that it was done. Then before we knew it, we were finally in Paradise. But for me, it wasn't paradise without Newt. We were finally safe and free, but the guilt I feel and the memories of what I did will never free me.
After what I did, do I really deserve to be happy?
Nowadays I mostly keep to myself, I'll just run a couple of laps then rest and eat. That's been my cycle for a while. According to the others I've been doing this for almost a month. They wanted me to join the others and make new friends. Get to know other people so I won't be lonely. But even if I surround myself with a thousand people, I don't think they can drive the loneliness away.
Right now, I was running on the mountain side. I was just running because that was the only thing that made sense. It was the only thing I felt like I could do. I was a Runner when I was at the Maze. I threw the thought of the Maze away from my head and continued on. Thinking of the Maze makes me think of Newt. Then when I think of Newt, I start to think about the times we spent at the Maze and how we fell in love. I don't mind having those thoughts but then I start to remember when I killed him.
I killed him.
I'm a murderer.
I killed the boy that I loved.
I killed the only boy I've ever loved.
I stopped and started to cry. I've been holding back my tears now for a month. Everyone expected me to cry but I didn't. I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I also couldn't bring myself to cry in front of a lot of people. Only one person has seen me cry and he's Newt. I wonder if he could see me now.
It was then I lifted my head and saw the view in front of me. The view I had of now was of the sea. It was such a huge body of water that I never thought I'd see. Behind me was the village. I couldn't understand how everyone could be fine. Their world was still moving and spinning. They were doing such an amazing job of moving on and starting anew. Yet here I am, still stuck in the past and I don't think it will ever let me go.
I stood up and slowly walked towards the edge. Just a few more steps and I'd see him again.
"I'm sorry Newt. I'm not strong. I can't be strong without you. You were the one keeping me together."
Before I knew it, I was falling.
-
My eyes fluttered open to see a blue and healthy sky. Healthy and green trees and plants surrounding me. I propped myself up using my elbows and saw that half of my body was on sea. I stood up but fell on the sand since my legs felt wobbly. I turned my head and saw that there were different types of fruit neatly placed on the ground. I looked around and found that it was quiet. Too quiet.
I've been striving for my life long enough that someone's out there, watching me. I will give them a show to watch. But where the shuck am I? I'll find that out when I find someone. I didn't bother to get the fruits because they might be poisoned.
I stumbled upon some wood and I sharpened it with my knife which I was surprised is still in my pocket. When it was sharp enough, I took some vines and tied them up together so that they're strong enough then I tied it around my spear.
Waiting for the right moment, I stopped and listened. When I saw something, I threw my spear and caught a fish. I didn't hesitate to kill it and cook it.
After eating, I used the vines and made a sturdy bag from it. Then I caught two more fishes and took some fruit that I'm certain isn't poisonous. When I was certain that I was prepared, I went into the woods. Trying to find out where the shuck I am.
As I was walking, I felt eyes watching me from behind. That's one of my special instincts. I can sense people behind me every time. That's why Newt can't ever surprise me.
Newt
I remembered that I fell off a cliff. No, I jumped from the cliff. Maybe I'm dead but I have no idea how to confirm it. Then my eyes fell on my dagger. I made a cut on my arm and that was good proof that I'm still alive.
"Son of a slinthead!"
I went back to the ocean and washed my wound in the ocean. Well it'll be clean when I do that, even if it hurts like a Teresa.
While I was at the ocean, I heard someone walking in the forest. I'm not mistaken since I know a footstep when I hear one. Well by the sound of this, it's like he's not even trying to sneak up behind me.
I left the ocean and took my dagger in one hand and the spear in the other. I saw a shadow behind me and I turned around and saw a boy wearing all green clothes that look like leaves. He was staring at me with an amused look on his face but also confused. I stared at him and studied his features. He seems a little scrawny and cocky with his smug grin. But as I stared at him closer and saw that he looked like Newt. He has a small similarity to him.
"Who are you?" I asked, not leaving my stance.
He didn't answer and just stared at me. He was checking me out, well I did the same to him. Then he looked at me deeply in my eyes. We were just staring at each other but then he did something that caught me off guard.
He disappeared.
Just like that, he's gone like the wind. I turned around and saw that he was nowhere to be seen. I could've sworn that I saw someone. A boy who looks like...
Newt.
I'm clearly not dead and I have no idea where I am. I might be hallucinating. Everything might just be a dream.
Tell that to the cut I gave myself.
I was about to walk back to the shore but then I heard some beautiful music. My ears perked up to the music and I couldn't help but try to see where it was coming from. My feet felt like they had a mind of their own and I just followed them. I walked and walked until I saw a fire with boys dancing around it.
While they were dancing, I saw that there was a boy who wasn't. He took my attention because he was the one who was playing the instrument. His eyes landed on me and I felt myself getting nervous. He stopped playing and the boys also stopped dancing. Before I knew it, I was back. My feet and mind were no longer controlled by the music.
"We have a guest," the boy who looked like Newt said.
The boys then started to circle around me so that I won't be able to escape. This somehow reminded me of the first time I was in the Glade. The boys surrounded me, curious about why they were sent a girl. I was brought back to reality when I heard someone asking me who I was.
The one who asked me was the boy who looked like Newt. I noticed that he also had an accent just like him.
"I have a feeling you already know who I am," I told him.
"Smart girl," he said as he walked towards me.
As I had a better look of him, his similarities to Newt were disappearing. Perhaps I was just delusional when I thought they looked the same. Or perhaps I just missed him too much.
"Who are you?" I asked him.
"You can call me Peter Pan. Or just Pan and you are in Neverland."
No shucking way.
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