My True Story
{This is dedicated to all my readers and my 200th followers}
(This chapter is a very delicate part of my life, if you are all curious about this chapter or a short story, this isn't a fiction or a fan fiction at all. It's a true story, this is my story of my young life from my childhood up till now, this story of mine contains depression, bullying, and dark thoughts in my mind. I've been keeping them inside me for so long as I remembered. So if you're not interested in reading this I won't force you so.)
Let me start from the beginning, when I was a child around 6-8 years old I always think to myself that I was different from the others, I was always a daydreamer with many things.
Fantasies in my mind that takes me away from reality like my own little world, the reason for that is because I was told from others I did so well and that they're proud of me. But as I got older I began having doubts.
The words they say to me just came in from one ear and came out to the other, but what I am saying is that negative words wouldn't affect anyone but for me when someone say positive words to me I began to feel bad about myself.
When I was little, my second brother always teased me, of course it didn't bother me since I was still small, but as I got older when I reach my puberty/adolescence his words started to affect me. Severely. My mom said ignore it cause he's just playing, but I felt it different.
If you're curious of what he said to me. He said "You're fat.", "You sucked.", "You're such a weeaboo." Etc. the last one didn't harm me too much but I am not a weeaboo but these other harmful words became apart of my life amd he continued this for 9 years straight.
When I transferred schools when I reached the 7th grade I became shy, anti-social, a loner, and never be in a crowd. This negative energy has been following me like a shadow that never want to disappear from my sight, that it's permanently attached to me. And whenever I made a new friend it continues to stab me right in the chest.
That's when the time I felt bad about myself. I started to hate myself for it. I looked into the mirror and I hate the way I look that I'm fat, worthless, I'm never gonna get better for this etc. I started to change my eating habits by controlling my hunger to be slim. It happened last year everyday my breakfast I only drink tea, lunch I only eat small rice and small food, and for dinner just a small pack of crackers. Sometimes I even skipped breakfast, or lunch, even dinner. I felt that I was happy because it shows of how in control I am.
I've been living with boys my entire life, sure I live with my mom but I was the only girl in the family. I bet you have your sibling rivalry as well, but to my three older brothers are always hungry for my annoyance, I always trusted my oldest brother along with my dad cause they always protects me from the other two, but both of them work abroad in the same country so I'm at disadvantage, and my second brother still teases me, and sometimes I felt that he doesn't know how I felt on the inside.
I've been doing this eating habit for 4 months and before I knew it I began to get dizzy, I felt like I'm about vomit, I began to slow down. My mom noticed about this habit of mine and she told me to stop. And be happy the way you are, that made me realized this is not what I want. I don't need to change myself, cause I'm born this way and I'm happy for the way I am. So I stopped and began eating properly. Everyone has their own shapes and sizes and they are happy for the body they have. No matter what people say to them.
But there's more from that than my brother's words, at school I have a difficult time, during my half years in junior high school and my middle school days in my old school I was the girl who was teased a lot because I'm different from them. They made fun of me too. More negative thoughts have come flooding in my mind.
In case you didn't know I live in the Philippines so I'm half Filipino and half Spaniard so everyone in my school speaks Tagalog. But they an English speaking policy which mostly around 95% of the student population always speaks Tagalog, and I'm the 5% that speaks English fluently thanks to the English education shows I've been watching as a child.
Anyway they made fun of me cause I speak in English not in Tagalog. Like I'm an easy target for them. They would use me, play bad jokes on me, they would even use me for their selfish needs like I was their servant. I can't even stand up for myself and I can't even tell my family about this
When I was grade 5. A grade 6 student was "crying" and hiding his face with his arms for something I did, I don't know what and some of his classmates got along with it including mine. I began apologizing but he continues and continues until he said "joking." With a smile face. Some of his friends laugh including on of my classmates. But for me that was just plain awful and I began crying, everyone said their sorry for laughing at me even the boy who pulled a horrible joke on me.
Now in my junior high school days it has gone worse, new bullies picked on me everyday, more teasing, more jokes on me. It was horrible.
In my school there's only two classrooms per level so it's always a gamble of who's gonna be in the same or different classmates, I still remember there's this one boy who's my classmate in the 8th grade, he's been bullying me cause I always speak in English, sometimes he has friends who keeps asking me to do stuff for them like buying food for them, do an embarrassing dance, etc. it really felt that I am nothing than a puppet, the boy who bullied me also tried flirting with me in the 9th grade, but his words disgust me and it started to make me cry in tears.
I wanna know why I've been his target? I tried everything to stop him, I tried ignoring him, I tried countering him, I even told him off a few times to the guidance, homeroom teacher, and even to my mom, he said to them he won't do it again but... He keeps on doing it again. I can't even fight back cause I don't wanna get in trouble and I am a weak person who never has self-confidence, no matter how many times I wanna fight back but I can't.
When I passed the 9th grade it was during my summer vacation around 5 months ago, I was hiding my face with a happy masks around my family but on the inside I felt the dark thoughts right behind me. It made me scared about my new school year, new bullies, old bullies, and many more teasing.
I used to be a happy child but thanks to the bullying I've began having depression. My mom would always ask me "what's wrong?" But to let her not worry about me I just say the same thing. "I'm Fine."
My depression has gotten worse when it reached May. More doubts and anxiety comes in my mind. My happy memories began to be a blur in my mind and the sad and doubting memories came back in me like a boomerang no matter how much I throw it, it'll always come back.
I can't even remember when I was happy, I stop writing stories for a while cause of my depression, even from last year on April 2016 when my grandmother passed away, I already have more darker thoughts than before that my only grand parent from my parents are gone. It was rough to have no grandparent to keep you support.
My depression has made me feel like I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve to belong, I don't deserve to it, so I need to end it and I won't forget that day. Mid-May when I was in the kitchen alone, and found the kitchen scissors. Yes, that's right I decided to commit suicide. In my mind that this is the only way to get rid of my problem. As I held the scissors close to me as more thoughts came flooding in my head.
"You are useless." "You can't even be like anyone else." "No one needs you." It keeps going on and on as I slowly placed the scissors near my left forearm, I wanted to be free from this endless pit of darkness, more black fogs has devoured me, I felt that I've been torn into shreds, as I wanna feel that's everything's okay but more darker things has invade and has been spiraling over and over as the scissors made contact with my skin.
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But then a voice in my head said "Stop." I don't even know why I did that, and no reason why. But that same voice in my head continues to talk to me and said "You don't need to end this." "There are many things that'll come to your life." "You can't give up or keep on denying yourself." Those positive words with a glowing feeling enters my mind and it made me stop.
I placed back the scissors and those words made me realized that I have so much more to come in my life, why would I end it now? It make see it clearly of am I doing. Soon after that I began to see my happy memories of my past more clearly and the worse ones began to blur out. And it made me see I have more happiness in my heart and I kept it deep inside and I almost forgot about the important things in my life.
During that evening of my incident my family learnt that I tried to do self-harm and the frightened look on their faces when they know what I did. My mom began crying in tears, my brothers look like their in pain. My mom "why did you try to do that?" I didn't respond to that because I realized how much my family would miss me if I take my own life. And I bet It'll be worse if my first brother and my dad heard about what I tried to do. They weren't there at that time but I'll bet that they'll be petrified.
My mom will be devastated and will never have another daughter. My brothers will be in depression that their little sister is gone. I never realized how much they'll be in pain If I take my own life. Then suddenly I realized I was crying so hard cause they'll be sad. I hugged my mom tightly and apologize of what I did and told her the truth of my suffering, she held me tight and told me that don't think stuff like that, cause there will be many new coming to me in the future and I promised her that I'll never do something horrible like that ever again.
I considered myself a weak person and never show much confidence but there are some people are strong enough hold and some are too weak to hold but everyone falls down from their past, but they pushing themselves to go forward, it might knocked down someone who's weak and not affect who's strong. But whenever we fall we pushed ourselves up and keep on going.
I can't change the past cause it's my choice, it's everyone's choice. It happened whether you liked it or not, even if you felt that there's nothing left use those feelings to push yourself to get on the right track. Like my favorite YouTuber JaidenAnimations said "If can't help yourself help others, then eventually you might be able to learn how to help yourself too."
Everyone has their own lives and their own paths to follow, whether you choose the wrong one or even the right one, life can go on as a bumpy road to walk and sometimes you wanna stop going but if you continue walking then it'll turn out smooth and you can able to be happy. With your family, friends, loved ones, relatives, even life and God Himself.
If you're still reading this, I'm really am grateful. I can't express how you people can read some random person's personal story on the internet. But if some of you never experienced bullying then you really are one of a kind and good for you but if you ever see people who bullies others don't just ignore it, you need to tell someone to stop it. And to those who have a horrible past, everything will be okay, don't end it, either from family problems or problems in your school don't keep it to yourself and tell your family member or your close friends your problems.
Suicide is never the answer to everything, if you decided to commit this then it was your decision but think about your family, friends, relatives even. The people who cared for you so deeply will be sad if you decided to end your life just like that and you never get to experience what good things will come to your life, sure you thing it's the end of the world for you but there's always a way out of this.
And I hope I could get more inspiration to continue being here in Wattpad and to all my readers and followers that they made me reached this far. And well... I have nothing else to say...other than just....
Thank you.
(This is me)
👇
Freed's Out✌️