day 12 ➜ a letter to the person I hate the most
Dear Me,
Everything that's happened is my fault. All the people that were in my life and aren't anymore is my doing. It's all my fault. At times like this, I really don't understand why I wasn't aborted by my parents when they weren't going to keep me.
Even they knew how useless I was, they probably thought it was better to leave me at Aldertree then it wouldn't be a waste of a human life... but so many lives have been ruined by me.
Christine and her family's.
Jaime.
My family if/when they ever go looking for their son or nephew or brother or half brother.
What was my purpose on this earth, huh? I don't know and I'm sure as hell more lost on the answer to that question now that I've lived and loved. I'm so far from who was, from who I wanted to be.
I wanted to be happy, to be normal. That's all. It wasn't that big of a dream. I ask myself why every single day. Why I let myself act on my stupid wishful thinking.
I remember that day in March so well. The date escapes me, but it was in 2016 almost 6 weeks before I was arrested.
We were strolling with our hands intertwined, and swinging between us as we walked on the concrete path through the park.
A boulevard of pink blossomed cherry trees enveloping us, pretty pink petals swaying their way behind us as we walked on.
Then how I stopped walking and tugged her hand, motioning her to stop walking and she stood there discombobulated, wide-eyed looking at me, and those expressive eyes of her asking me a loud, what?
I got down on one knee, she gasped and her hand went to cover her eyes. I smiled at her face, how could she not have guessed I was going to do that... after all we'd been through since sixth form ended?
I got out the ring I'd bought after saving up for months, under the spring petals of cherry blossom trees surrounding us, my heart hammering in my chest. I popped the question. She'd said one word in response. In a small voice, in a single breath: yes and as I slid the ring onto her finger I wondered if that feeling of fulfilment and happiness was what it felt like for sinners to play being saints, because right there, with her. She made me breathe easier, she was my calm. I felt like everything there ever was, like the very sun itself.
Little did I know, if a sinner like me becomes the sun. I will burn because breathing is never easy and I forgot that. I forgot who I was, I forgot the universe and that the Gods never had this planned out for me, it was never meant for me. It was never meant to be in my story.
Wishful thinking isn't made for the likes of me. I should have never believed I stood a chance in this world to be happy. To be free... to run in the wind. It's not for me.
Because look at the mess I've made. Look at what happened to me.
I'm alone. I'm in prison, and there are people outside these walls that wish I'd never even met their loved ones. And when I do die, likely no one will miss me. Even God himself will push me into Hades' halls and leave me, and that's only if the devil wants me.
Right now... I wish someone would come and put their hand on my shoulder, and shield me from the pain, from the salt in my eyes as I write this. The uneasy heaving of my stomach, holding in the screams that want to tear down the walls of my cell.
I hate myself for wanting something that wasn't meant for me. I hate that my life was never meant to have happiness in store. I hate that my very existance is a sin. I hate that I never got a chance to be anything other than a mistake. I hate I didn't get to fight for my life, my fate, my story.
I wish I had a friend to pull me from the darkness. Because I'm afraid. I'm so, so, so afraid right now.
I never thought this would happen to me... they say when you stare at an abyss of darkness for too long, you'll start to see it within yourself.
The Gods meddle and play with our lives, but they are never the ones to lose. They will never be the creatures of fate. That honour is for me.
But what is honour compared to love?
No wonder it was love that brought the downfall of Troy.
All the love, Harry.
// author's note //
unedited.
next couple of chapters won't be long reads, because there won't be so much backstory as 1-10.
GoT 7x07 was maaaaaad.