August 11, 2017
To,
Dearest "J",
So we spent the next two weeks by the shore. Was it a romantic getaway of sorts? Well! Yes it was. Did we do things I might have trouble explaining to my friends? Yes we did! Did we let our guards down in front of each other, because there was nobody else we would rather trust? Yes we did! Did we regret the time we spent with each other? Well, I didn't but I don't know about you. Do you regret me?
They finally let me visit you this morning. Seeing your mangled face I almost couldn't recognize you. How could I? Your eyes were always so full of life, I could easily drown in them but now they were shut tight, probably never to open again. Your mom wasn't eager to allow me privacy, but I guess for you she would do anything, as moms always do. I really can't face her now. I know she objected to us being together but the shell of a person that she has now become, I just want to hug her and say everything is going to be alright. But is it?
She told me that if I talked to you, you would be able to listen. Apparently that's how you communicate with a comatose patient. But I was never good at talking or expressing myself in a conversation. I was good at writing. So here I am. Talking to you in the only way I know how. I know it's supposed to be helping me to cope with everything but it really isn't. They are wrong. Remembering doesn't make it any easier than forgetting does. It only severs the wound again so that you can bleed the pain away.
We didn't talk much when you were awake either. We were already treading on thin ice. We communicated with gestures and gazes and reveled in comfortable silence. I never told you how I felt and look where that got me. Now I have gathered the courage to say it all but I'm not sure if you will listen or will be able to. Now all I can do is write letters to you. Letters, which I'm sure you'll toss in the trash when you wake up. That is, if you wake up.
That day on the beach we all took upon ourselves different tasks so that we could live on our own for two weeks. We worked in pairs. We were put together by our conniving friends. We were chosen for the task of making a fire pit and arrange logs around it for a small beach campfire. We were supposed to cut the logs in Rebecca's dad's shed near the cabins. The shed was a carpenter's dreams come true. Truth be told, I was only accompanying you. I couldn't cut anything with an ax even if my life depended on it. But you looked like you did.
You went straight to work while I told you obnoxious tales of my past. You were cutting the logs so intently and I was busy talking to you that we almost forgot about the faulty door of the shed. The wind blew and just as my hand tried to grab it; it shut on my face with a bang. We were locked till someone from outside opened it.
Instead of being worried or panicking even for the slightest bit, you were a statue of calmness. Now that I think about it, you were always calm. You masked your emotions well, but I read through them all. But you never read my unwarranted emotions. Were you that oblivious?
I was speechless and frantic. We didn't even have our phones with us. You quietly put down your ax and beckoned me to come forward. You turned the wooden crates in the corner upside down and gently sat me down next to you.
"Well, that means our work is done!" , you said shyly.
"What do you mean? We are locked in and we have no way of getting out! How could you be so calm?" I exasperated.
"It means we get to spend more time without anyone nagging us. Besides, they'll find us soon enough. In the meantime................."
You took hold of my hands and made me get up from my crate and sit between your legs on the bigger crate my back facing you. Your gentle breathes were warming the back of my neck and the hairs on my neck were standing on an end. It was quite warm but the pedestal fan worked well for its condition. And so I sat there in your arms while you woke every sense in your wake. You sang every song you knew in my ear and lulled me to sleep.
When my eyes fluttered open, I woke up to a new sun. We had slept through the night. We were still in that shed but we weren't alone. Our friends had found us and also in the most compromising position ever. You lying on your back on the wooden crate with me snuggled in your arms like a burrito. It was scandalous and we had a lot of explaining to do. But aside from all the embarrassment I have to admit it was one of the best night's sleeps I've had in a while. Because of our sleeping position our friends jaws were left hanging open and Mia raised her eyebrows to the extent I feared they might meet her hairline.
You looked so serene while you slept. Not like you do now. Now you just look dead. Rebecca and Mark cleared out their throats which made us jump out of our skins and we looked at each other abashedly. Without any response to their raised eyebrows, we carried the log back to the cabins, walking behind them.
It was the first night of the trip and we had already diminished any distances between us. If things were to escalate at this rate for the next 13 days, I was afraid I might lose myself.
The next day was spent trying to avoid any confrontation from our friends. We made up lies, white lies. That we were locked and fell asleep on different crates and in our sleep shifted towards each other to keep warm. It was enough to quite them down but not quite. We were glared at. Mark, Mia and Rebecca smirked at us as if we were doing something scandalous. Aileen, Stella and Stacy were no better either. They didn't peck me openly but would slide in snide comments to tease me.
It was scandalous! It was scandalous because people knew. But if they didn't ............................?
So we found an alternative. We were high school graduates for crying out loud. We were going to college in the fall. The future was unclear and all we knew was living in the moment and living to the fullest. We sneaked out in the night when everyone else was asleep. It seemed we liked being away from everyone, in our own self-created bubble.
So the next day, you told me to meet you in a secluded part of the beach. It was hidden by giant rocks. At midnight, I was pacing back and forth, waiting for you to come.
After pacing near the entrance for half an hour, you came waltzing in. The expression I gave you must've explained everything because you justified your late arrival as helping Mark out with tomorrows lunch.
Then in the dark of the night, my hand firmly clutched in yours, you took me through the small archway created by two rocks. Inside was a small portion of the sea. It was a sight to withhold.
You made us sit on the edge of the archway rock, so our feet dipped into the water. It was a magical night. It was like we were itching to be together somewhere private and now that we were here; we spun tales of our unprecedented affections towards each other. I thought we were just friends. Wasn't that what you were reassuring yourself about? At the end of the night, when the candles we had lit died down, you again surprised me. In the dying light of the candles you moved closer and closer till your coarse lips imprinted a feather light kiss on my cheek. It wasn't a quick happened-or-didn't –happen moment. Your lips lingered there for a few seconds, your eyes shut because you were again going against the contract that was never spoken of but existed between us.
My body was stiff and cold. Our close proximity scared me to death. Partly because there was no guy before you and partly because I knew that if we stayed like this a bit longer I would surely find out about all the primal instincts of a female body. As your lips left their mark upon my virgin skin, your eyes searched for mine for any trace of anger.
The warmth that your body gave off as you walked me back to my cabin in the light breeze of the sea; I knew I would long for that warmth again in my life.
Today, I tried to find that warmth when I held your hand but your fingers were cold as stone, just like my heart. They were so lifeless as if you were already dead, like my heart.
Please wake up "J"!
Yours longingly,
A.
P.S:-I love you! I know it's too late but I needed to say it. I eternally, truly, deeply, madly, out of this fucking universe love you. If only you could hear me say these words.