"Mila, what happened to your arm?" someone called after me while I was busy burning holes through Lauren's and Lucy's heads as they were getting lovey-dovey in the corner of the room.
"Huh," I turned my attention to the source of sound, realizing that it was Dinah. "Oh, yeah, I got a tattoo."
"Holy shit, can I see?"
"Later.. You're gonna sleep here again right?"
"Yeah.." She affirmed. "Are you okay? You seem dazed and kinda down. I'm sorry we hosted a surprise party in your suite without your consent."
"It's okay. I love that you guys did this actually. It's really sweet, so thank you. I'm just a bit tired since your annoying ass woke me up early than humanly possible." I smiled, hoping that it would be enough to convince Dinah.
It wasn't the fact that I had a surprise party that was making me down on my birthday, it was simply the fact that Lauren hadn't said one word to me the second we walked through the door. I understood that we had been at each other's faces since that morning but it doesn't give her the right to just ignore my existence.
This just confirmed my suspicion that she was just bringing me out to stall me as the others got ready for the surprise.
Hell, she might've rented the whole restaurant so people won't see us together.
"I'll be right back," she said before she walked through the sea of people, making me lose sight of her.
Deciding to sit down, I walked to the couch were nobody was occupying the seats and sat down. Soft music were playing through the speakers that was installed in every corner of the room and there were foods near the dining table. The guests were a mixture of celebrities and friends. Ever since I released my album, I've gotten the necessary recognition from singers and producers nationwide. But even if I was somewhat famous, it still felt weird that there were idols I looked up to even before I was in famous attending my birthday party.
Dinah, Ally and Normani came with food on their hands soon after. Dinah brought two plates with her, one for her and one for me.
They sat on the couch near the one I was sitting on. There were 3 couches in total, mine was on the side, facing the other couch while the other one is facing the TV, horizontal from my point of view.
We talked aimlessly about various things whilst we emptied the contents on our plates. I love how they had the decency to actually hang out with me. Some people hosts a surprise party for their friend but once the surprise greeting was over, they tend to leave their friend alone and talked to the guests instead. I was just glad that they care about me enough to not leave me alone.
Lauren and Lucy came moments later, hand in hand, and sat on the other vacant couch across from mine. Even as they were present in our little circle, they mostly talked amongst themselves. Sometimes, they would chime in if one of us asked them a question or if the story involved them but other than that, they were basically living in their love bubble. My stomach just tied into knots every time I heard either of them giggle.
It sucked. It really did. Just yesterday, I was so convinced that I've moved on but ever since Lauren brought me out, my mind just started to fluctuate and I didn't know how I felt for her. In a span of less than 24 hours, Lauren had managed to destroy every single bricks I've stacked up around my heart.
And just after that thought, Miley Cyrus's Wrecking Ball started to play in the background. God, you fucker.
While the others were busy talking, I decided to sort my thoughts out. I think I was able to convince myself that I've moved on from her was because of the busy schedule I had this year. I was too busy to even think about my personal life, what more about Lauren. Every single day, I was either promoting my album or having meetings on how to promote my album.
So now, after being with Lauren for the day, I've come to realize what I've missed.
I couldn't help but feel my heart constrict painfully as I shifted my gaze for a few seconds to look at them. But I didn't say anything. Lauren had explicitly said that she only wanted us to be purely friends, so if I thought that the time we had just hours ago was somewhat a date, it was on me. Lauren never indicated that it was anything more than friendly. Sure, she flirted and stuff, but friends do that sometimes. And she was a natural flirt so her rather overly friendly personality justifies what she did, right?
Besides, the reason we lost touch was because I expressed my feelings too much and now that I finally got a taste of what our friendships could bring, I didn't want to repeat the past. I don't think I could go through losing Lauren for what feels like the umpteenth time.
Friends. Friends. Friends. I repeated those mantra over and over in my mind, maybe then I could convince myself that we could just be that.
"Chancho, you should sing for us," Dinah said, diverting my attention from Lauren to her.
Sometimes I have a feeling that she knows. She never outwardly said it but her eyes has a hint of sympathy at times and every time I was looking at Lauren, she would be the one to distract me. And she does so easily, just by calling me Chancho, a nickname we made up long before fame actually became a thing for us.
I haven't heard that name in a medallion years and now that I've heard it, I can't help but feel bittersweet.
We're growing up so fast. Too fast in my opinion.
"Me? Nooo.."
"Oh come on..." she said. "Guys.." she shouted then, catching everyone's attention as she did so, "who wants to hear Camila sing?"
A round of loud claps and cheers erupted in the room, making me grow nervous as they all sauntered their way to the room and making a circle around the couches; the girls and I being in the middle.
From the corner of my eye, Lauren suddenly walked away, only to come back with a guitar on her hand. There was a bow placed on it.
"Well, I planned on giving this the traditional way, but it seems more convenient this way. Happy Birthday, Camz," she said as she hugged me. This was the first time she had actually talked to me since the party started. With that, she walked back to the couch beside Lucy.
It's funny really, the action she just did sums up our relationship. No matter how thoughtful and sweet she is to me, she'll always walk back to Lucy at the end of the day. It happened 2 years ago and its happening now. I just should've known better.
"Come on," Dinah asserted, once again diverting my attention back to reality.
Singing in front of ten thousand random people and probably fans is one thing, singing in front of celebrities that I've looked up to was another. I anticipated every single concert I've performed, every movement was calculated. This was different because it was spontaneous, I don't even know what song to sing.
Looking around the room to try to get an idea of the song I could sing from my album, I failed miserably so as I just ended up forgetting every single lyrics I had created. But when my eyes locked at Lauren and Lucy's intertwined hand, an idea came into my mind.
I strummed the guitar on my lap, trying to find the right tune from my new guitar. Everyone's scrutinizing eyes are on me, looking at my every movement.
Finally, after 5 minutes of silence in the room except for the strumming and probably my loud heart beating, I started to sing.
Stay back, stay long, and you move on
I stress, come close, move on, please don't
This was actually a song, or rather a draft, from 2014. It was during the time Lauren had a thing with Brad. Although they were never together officially, they did however hooked up. It was also the time when I was certain that I liked Lauren more than just friends.
If I think about it I guess I could adapt these lyrics at that moment. Lauren's moved on. But then, even if she does so, she tries to keep me close as I try to move on, making my attempts to move on futile.
Hello, how are you? How you've been?
Lately I wonder how it feels to steal your kiss
Nothing much, just fine I'm doing well
And you can read between the lines but God, I fell
I did record it in the studio last year but it was never released officially. The producers said it was and I quote, 'too emotional' and that I should sing more pop-ish song. The songs on the album was somewhat emotional but it was the type that could easily catch the public's attention. This one was just 'too depressing'. I mean, I didn't blame them. They tried to produce it and edit everything but I refused to put it on my album. Simply because it was meant to be raw and stripped. I didn't want the lyrics to be overshadowed by the music.
Another reason was because it was one of the first song I've ever written, so of course I said no. Imagine this, a painter being asked to change the colors on his work because it looks depressing. It was basically the same thing.
I only told the moon, tonight up on the roof
I told her that I'm scared that all my thoughts they look like you
I only told the moon, about the way you move
I asked her to please tell me if you tell things to her too
I had written this when I was on the roof of our apartment that time. While Lauren went to a party with Brad, I went up with my guitar and my journal, feeling suffocated at the thought of Lauren having fun with Brad. So by choice, I went to a less physically closed-off space and the roof was the most convenient one.
As I sat there, I felt like the moon was my only companion at that time. I had people around me everyday, but at the same time, I've never felt more lonely than before that moment.
Whilst staring at the only thing that I could look up to, I decided to romanticize it. It were all random ramblings at first but at one point I began to see that it was possible to turn it into lyrics.
I was hoping, always hoping, that Lauren would feel the same about me, even if it was merely a percentage of how I felt.
Silence. Too loud. Say it, not now
This verse might be short and simple, but it was complex in it's own way. It showed how my mind is just like any other; indecisive.
I wanted to tell her that I had feelings for her but at the same time, I was perfectly content with how we were that I didn't want that to change.
So how are you? How you've been?
Lately I wonder how it feels to taste your lips
Nothing much, just fine I'm doing well
And you can read between the lines but God, I fell
When Lauren actually started hanging out with Brad, she had been spending less time with me. Even as I was pretty bitter about it in the first place, I knew that I didn't really have the right to feel that way. Because here's the sad truth, no matter how much you believe in the saying, 'Bros without hoes,' or in my case, 'uterus before duderuses,' at the end of the day, the somewhat 'Hoes' are the ones in your future.
It wasn't that that hurt me, it was the fact that I couldn't express my feelings. Yes, we were close, we could tell things to each other, but at the same time, I couldn't . I had to consider everything. Fifth Harmony and our friendships. But mostly, I had to consider my heart. What if I told Lauren how I felt before she was ready, it would've ended with us going downhill.
So instead of saying anything to her, I just looked at her at the sidelines while she was happy with someone else.
I did eventually tell her though.
I only told the moon, tonight up on the roof
I told her that I'm scared that all my thoughts they look like you
I only told the moon, about the way you move
I asked her to please tell me if you tell things to her too
That I give it all to you, I give it all to you, I give it all to you
I only told the moon
Aahhh and another loves song will play on the radio, you know
Aahhh and I'll wait for the moon to lean in close and say...
That he only told the moon, tonight up on the roof
He told me that he's scared that all her thoughts they look like you
I only told the moon, about the way you move
I asked her to please tell me if you tell this to her too
That I give it all to you, I give it all to you, I give it all to you
He only told the moon
He only told the moon
The room was silent as I sang the outro. It was intense, the tension so incredibly thick that I could easily cut it with a knife. Everyone was either staring at me or staring at their phone camera that was pointing at me.
Lauren looked like she was lost in her own thoughts.
***
"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday dear Camila, Happy Birthday to you~" the crowd sang while Dinah brought the cake in front of me, the other girls trailing behind her.
I blew the cake with a mouth-eating grin and cut a part of the cake while phones flashed profusely around us, temporarily blinding me.
After that was all done, I walked around, finally greeting the guests and making small talks. I don't really know some of them but it was still nice that they showed up, the least I could do was to personally introduce myself to them. But even so, I didn't really know them so it was hard to talk to someone you know nothing about.
Fortunately, one of the famous guests here was Ariana. Over the years, we had grown increasingly close as both our careers blossomed. We were similar in more ways than one. We were both flirty, both dorks and most importantly, we were both highly sexualized in the public eye.
Since I knew she's here, we've been hip-to-hip the whole night. We talked and made jokes while the others were busy with their own group.
The girls came after some time. To our relief, Ariana and the girls were well acquainted so we easily fell to laid-back conversations, making jokes here and there.
"So Camila, are you dating anyone?" Ally started, making Lauren look up from her phone immediately, anticipating for my answer. Oh, so now you look at me.. Bitch.
"Nope," I replied, not even bothered to lie.
Ariana gasped dramatically beside me and placed her hand on her chest, mocking a heartache. "What am I then?"
I laughed. Ariana is a flirt so it was natural for her to make jokes like these.
"You're my wife," I smiled cutely as I huddled myself closer to her. She knew that I like girls but she never gave two fucks about it. She still flirts because she knows that I won't like her romantically.
She wrapped her arm around me in a protective way. She's straight. That one, I can promise you.
I noticed that Lauren was narrowing her gaze on Ariana. If looks could kill, my body would be drenched by Ariana's blood right now. She seemed like she was shooting daggers with her eyes; like she's... jealous.
It was so unfair. She, herself, is freaking cuddling with her fiancé across from me and she's the one who was actually jealous. She was obviously fucking Lucy, I was just flirting with a friend here.
Abruptly, I stood up and grabbed one of the potato chips on the coffee table.
"Hey Camila?" Ariana called out, making me crane my neck to look at her as I leaned towards the surprisingly huge coffee table, trying to reach for the food on the other side.
"Yeah?"
"Is your dad a baker?"
"What? No? Why?" I chucked at her random question.
"Because you got nice buns," she said, mocking a male voice.
"You're such a dork, especially when you're drunk," I paused, "Wait, are you?" I questioned, sitting back down next to her as I chew on the chips.
"No.. Wait yes.. But I'm not intoxicated by those alcohol, I'm intoxicated by you."
I laughed at Ariana once again. She has endless amounts of pick up lines, she even told me one time that she has tons of books about them. Definitely a dork.
Lauren scoffed softly across from me. None of the girls could hear it - well except for Lucy - but I could, even if she was farther from me than the rest.
I looked at her in disbelief. Is she kidding me? What right does she has to hate on Ariana's attempts in trying to 'get in my pants'?
I decided to play a little. If she hated it so much, imagine if I was the one making the suggestive jokes on Ariana.
"Hey Ariana.. Your clothes look good on you," I quipped, loud enough for Lauren to hear.
"Really? Is that all you got? Camila... I'm appalled, I thought you could do better than that," Ariana pointed out playfully, her eyebrows raised.
" -But I bet you would look better without them." I continued with a smirk, knowing that Lauren was probably fuming in front of me.
The girls just laughed and Ariana smiled proudly like a mother should. But instead of being proud of the kid's achievement in scoring at a sports game, she's proud at how I can make sexual jokes. I can only imagine how her future kids will turn out.
The rest of the night after that was pretty uneventful. There were talking and stuffs, a lot more jokes and pickup lines passed around between Ariana and I, making Lauren's face permanently contort into a frown for the rest of the night.
I don't know about you but I call this a successful day.
The guests slowly disperse, leaving me with the girls and Ariana at the end of the day.
Ashlee called me sometime that night, apologizing for not coming because of some family problems. I just shrugged it off, saying that it was okay. If I'm being honest, I'm actually quite grateful that she couldn't come. It's not that I don't want her company, it's just that she knows about Lauren and if she saw what I did, she would've picked it up easily and scolded me for trying to make Lauren jealous.
My parents called me too, and we talked for some time, making my heart clench on how much I really missed them.
Ariana decided to call it a night an hour later, saying that she was tired and that she has a busy day tomorrow.
The girls however, decided to rent two more rooms in the hotel. They said that they wanted to hang with me once more tomorrow and it was more convenient since it was late now and their apartment building was quite far. And by the girls, I mean Lauren, Lucy, Normani and Ally, Dinah just wants to crash on mine again.
I just hope she doesn't hit me with a pillow again tomorrow.
---
A/N
Important question, on a scale of 1-10, how angsty do you want this fic to be? Negative numerals represent super mind blowing angst. Don't even try.