I couldn't find the will to care today. I don't know why exactly. I'd gotten in the shower and actually spent time on my hair today and still I felt terrible. I put on one of the many shirts Luke made me buy and a pair of jeans. Maybe I was feeling this way because I couldn't sleep last night. I just laid there wishing someone was there to tell me bad jokes. I needed a good laugh. I don't know how long its been. Probably weeks.
Stepping out of my room, I went downstairs where Lizzie was sitting eating cereal. "Medicine," she muttered, pointing with her fork to the medicine cabinet. Sighing, I went over to take my many pills. All of those stupid vitamins were getting annoying. I just wanted the surgery so I could stop taking them all. I took out my antidepressants. It seemed there were a lot more missing than I remembered. "Lizzie, did you take my medicine?" I looked over at her. She was nodding idly. "About five. Someone asked." I glared. "You can't sell my prescription you fuck-tard. I want them back." She made a face. "I already sold them."
I was fuming at this point. Ever since it had become known that she sold drugs, she'd been a bitch. Its like she didn't care about anyone else as long as she was happy. I took my pills and went back upstairs to grab my bag. I could always wait outside. I didn't want to stay in here a find out about anything else of mine she might have sold.
I hoped Shane hadn't forgotten he was picking me up. I lived too far away to walk to school now. I could die before I reached the front doors. It felt like winter even though it was spring time. And I never wore coats because I never thought ahead. I let out a sigh of relief when his car pulled up to the curb. I walked down the lawn to his car, getting in before I could freeze to death.
"You got a hair cut?" Was the first thing he said. I nodded. "Yeah...is it stupid?" He smiled and shook his head. "No, not at all. I like it." I smiled at him. It wasn't a real smile. Only a cover-up because I really wanted to let out a sigh of relief because he liked my hair. Shane leaned over and kissed me lightly. "You seem sad," he muttered as he pulled out of the driveway. "when don't I seem sad?" I asked him. He was quiet for a while, thinking. "Would a date cheer you up?" He asked. I shook my head. "Where would we go? To a restaurant? The movies?" Shane sighed. "Fine since you're being Mr. Grumpy pants I'll bring you home after school."
"Court dates tomorrow." I mumbled. I sat back in my seat and turned to watch Shane as he drove. "Are you okay with that?" he questioned, his voice low. I loved the way his jaw moved when he talked. It was something I noticed I loved the first time we talked. "Of course not but I have to do it." We were almost at the school by now. I could see it in the distance. But I didn't want to leave this car. I didn't want to sit in class. I know graduation was coming up soon, but the time felt unbearable here. "You'll be okay, you know that." I closed my eyes as a tear escaped.
"I have to see her. See him. The two people that raised me. I look at them and I see why I'm so fucked up. Last time he even smiled when they made me talk about all the times my mom watched him hit me. They did it to me on purpose." Shane was frowning. "You're okay now." He offered. "I wish my mom wasn't like that. Because it would hurt a lot less to still love her." He parked his car and turned it off. "Hey, I'm sure a couple years in prison will do her some good. She's still your mom, even though she hurt you. Don't feel bad for still loving her. She carried you in her womb for 9 months she held you as a baby and you depended on her. I still love my mom. The good was in her somewhere. It just got buried in the evil." I smiled sadly at him. "You're so understanding. Why can't everyone be like you?" He shrugged and opened his door. "We wouldn't want you falling in love with everyone, now would we?" I smiled and got out of the car as he did. We walked side by side into the school to our first class.
I still fucking hated this place.
***
"Jay, do you want pizza for dinner?" Shane shouted, closing the damn near empty fridge. He was horrible at stocking up the kitchen. Even I could do better than that. Jay walked into the kitchen. "We had pizza last night. Go out a buy some food from the grocery store. What the hell is wrong with your generation?" Shane frowned. "You're only two years older than me, you fucker. Why don't you go to the store, I have company." Jay looked over at me. "Oh, what's up, Z-man." He was one of the first on my hate-list. Right under the man that raised me. "He doesn't like pet names. Not even baby." Jay gave me a questioning look.
"That's weird, kid." I shrugged. "Its what my dad used to call my mom. It wasn't a term of endearment because he usually beat the shit out of her." Jay frowned slightly, stealing a glance at Shane. "He's a little upset at the moment," he mumbled, fishing out his wallet and giving his friend some money. A little upset didn't sum it up. A little upset didn't belong in my vocabulary. Nothing was just little. Everything was hugely blown out of proportion. Everything was huge.
After Jay left, Shane looked at me frowning. "Movie?" He asked. I shook my head. "No...I want to cuddle, but like...no distractions, you know?" He smiled lovingly at me. My heart completely skipped a beat then. "I find you really cute right now. Especially with your hair cut. Are you going to style it tomorrow?" He asked. I shook my head. "When have I ever styled anything?" He thought about that for a second but then shrugged. "Okay...say its like three years later and we're getting married. Would you do it then?" I shook my head smirking. "You'd just have to deal with me being absolutely ugly."
"I'd make you wear a dress." I laughed. He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "We need to find a nickname you actually like." I shook my head. "No. I don't like anything." He chuckled and kissed the tip of my nose playfully. "You don't like anything, huh?" I nodded. "Not even sex?" I nodded. "Especially sex." He kissed my neck. I felt his hot breath on my neck as he mumbled, "I think I can change your mind about that," If I actually didn't like sex, he would have changed it right then. I could never resist him. "Try me," he chuckled with his lips against my collar bone, and it sent shivers down my spine. "That sounded dirty," he whispered. I just wanted his shirt off so I could feel his warm skin against mine. I tugged at his shirt, trying to get it off of him, but he had other things in mind. He pulled me up out of the stool I sat at and turned me around, pushing my against the counter. It felt so good to have his hands all over me, I sort of forgot about the shirt as he slid his hands under mine. His hands had never been that rough. Ever. But it still felt good as he lightly raked his finger nails up and down my back. I couldn't help it, letting a tiny moan escape my lips.
He pressed himself against me, and I leaned back, trying to get as close to him as possible. I felt him lean over me and leave butterfly kissed everywhere on my back, and I felt the electricity even through my shirt. He was driving my libido crazy, with no immediate contact. All I really wanted to do was touch him. Feel his skin on mine. I could feel his erection almost as much as I could feel mine, but he made no move to remove any clothing.
"Fuck me already," I mumbled. I didn't even care that I sounded desparate. so long as he did what I wanted. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" I whined. "And anyway, I thought you wanted to cuddle." I was on the verge of tears, he was teasing me on purpose. "Shane..." I muttered. He laughed and pulled away from me. I turned frowning. "I hate you," I told him, reaching out for him. He took my hand and pulled me to him. "Tomorrow is going to be hell for you so we should spend tonight doing something couply."
"Sex is couply." I told him. He shook his head. "I just want to talk, you know? We fuck more than we talk." I sighed. "Fine. What do you want to talk about?" Shane rolled his eyes again and dragged me to the couch, pulling me down with him. "Maybe we could go on a date. We don't really go out." I picked at the string at the bottom of my shirt. "Why go out when you can stay in?" I mumbled. "Because maybe I want to do something other than have sex and watch movies on this damned couch." Shane said bitterly. "Well I don't know what to tell you. I can't do anything in public without hating myself." He didn't say anything. I let out a slow breath. "Take me home when Jay gets back?" He nodded slowly. "I think I want a normal relationship sometimes. But then I remember I fell for a sadist,"
"How am I a sadist?" I asked. He looked at me. "Because your always hurting me. Always. Wether its hurting yourself or saying something to hurt me." I frowned. "I don't do it on purpose. I just-"
"Can't help it? Yeah. I know. You say it a lot. I'm just wondering- when do you think saying that will actually make this better? I know it's my fault for loving you, but it still hurts me." I didn't say anything. I couldn't. Whenever Shane spoke like this I wanted to apologize. But he hated that, so I was stuck wanting to run and hide. Everytime.
~ Just because I was listening to milliom dollar houses while writing this up, it got the title. also i sort of love this chapter..
Been obsessing over ptv today, idek why. I'm never eating again, I feel so fat right now. i think i had like five pieces of pie?
i missed american horror story on wednesday and my brothers been watching doctor who since like monday so i haven't been able to watch it so im dying on the inside.
also my fovorite author updated her story Mr. Tattoo and i'm excited so i'm about to read that yay hopefully its a good chapter because i've only been waiting since September.