Chapter 46
This chapter's dedicated to mccombsl249!!! Apparently my story inspired her, so she asked me to do a joint chapter, and I said yes, so this chapter also features a character - Addy - from her story. Hope you enjoy, and remember to read her story too!
.:Recap:.
Tears sprang to my eyes, but I knew I deserved to be upset for hurting him. "James, I-"
He cut me off by walking forwards and pulling me to his chest in a fierce hug. My breath caught as my heart almost exploded with happiness, and I clutched at him, tears of relief streaming down my cheeks as I realised what this meant.
Finally, James and I were friends.
.:Story Start:.
I didn't want to let go of James' warm, comforting body, but eventually he let me go. I gave him a large smile and I was sure my eyes were twinkling. I wiped the tears away, feeling a little stupid for crying, and we started to try and find our friends.
As we walked, we didn't say anything, but it was a comfortable silence rather than an awkward one. For some reason, I had a strong suspicion that Lily, who knew James and I shared the lesson before, had set us up for this by moving so we would be alone together.
Finally, we found them sitting next to the English block, throwing grass at each other.
"You're so mature," I said teasingly, sitting between Lily and Alex as we arrived. Lily smiled radiantly as she spotted mine and James' smiles. A piece of grass landed in my face and I glared accusingly at Landon, who had thrown it, but he just looked around innocently as if to say, 'what?'
We spent all of break time chucking mown grass at each other, giggling, stuffing it down each other's backs and into their ears, just plain having fun, and I loved it. I loved that I could finally talk and play with everyone in the group without someone holding me back, without feeling a little empty inside.
I felt so free, so wonderful having all these amazing friends who, I knew, wouldn't let me down now. I was sure my life was perfect. There was nothing more to worry about, nothing more dramatic in my life. Sure, there was still Nicola and her large posse, but hey, I could handle them now.
I was no longer alone.
I was happy.
And I planned to stay that way.
The bell went for next lesson and I entwined my fingers with Alex's as we walked to class, finding that my eyes kept flicking towards James. I sighed. Maybe there was still one little problem, one little glitch. But I'd get over it.
I sat beside Lily in our next lesson, and we played hangman for a while before we got caught because of Lily's giggles as I chose dirty words. I narrowly escaped detention, which resulted in Lily calling me badass for the rest of the lesson.
After that lesson, I had English with James, Alex and Nicola. I saw Nicola narrow her eyes at me as I started friendly - if hesitant - conversation with James. I found myself learning more and more about him than I had when just quietly observing him in class; he was just as friendly and kind as he had always seemed, but there were little details I hadn't managed to pick up before.
The way his eyes shone when he talked about people or things he was close to, the slight dimple in his cheek when he laughed, the adorable confused frown he sometimes wore. The soft, understanding smile he had, the way his fingers bounced up and down because he couldn't sit still.
All these were small details that made up him, and I was somehow proud to know him and be friends with him. I found that now I was friends with him, I could deal with not being in a relationship with him. Yes, I was in love with him, but it was no longer eating me away, tearing me up. I could at least talk to him on a friendly level now, and it seemed that was all it took.
But there was still a feeling of wanting to be with him. Wanting him to hold me, maybe even kiss me. Wanting him to love me too, just because I was greedy like that. But was it a crime to want to be loved by someone you loved? Even if you're with someone else?
So much confusion, I thought.
"Hey Liz, you're coming to band practise, yeah?"
"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes at James who smiled.
"Cool, because we're moving on to electric guitars," he said, making me grin.
"Really?! Awesome," I said enthusiastically. I had been really hyped to play electric guitar. It sounded so much better than acoustic.
Nicola, I noticed, had not taken her eyes off me all lesson. Her eyes were blank, cold, spiteful and I knew that some time or other she was bound to start on me. My eyes met hers and they narrowed, her jaw clenching. I blinked and gazed coolly back, refusing to be intimidated by her. She couldn't ruin me now, not now that I had everything I wanted.
I ran a hand through my fringe as I turned away, writing down some more notes about what the teacher was saying. Lessons were so boring. I just wanted to be out of there, hanging with my friends again.
Finally it ended and the next one began, and I gloomily reflected we still had a whole afternoon before we could go home. All I wanted to do now was socialize, now that I was friends with the whole group. I just wanted to be with them, gossip with them, be normal. Because, effectively, that was now what I was.
I smiled at the thought.
"What're you smiling about?" James whispered, and I shrugged.
"Everything," I replied vaguely, and he smiled too.
"I'm glad you're happy," he whispered quietly. My heart almost stopped at his words, and his smile. I felt blood coming to my cheeks and I didn't even know why. All I could do was stare at the boy I loved in wonder as my heart beat faster.
Why, why did those words affect me so much? Maybe it was hope that James liked me back. Although, of course, that would never happen - why would he like me, so suddenly? We had only become friends like an hour and a bit ago. Stupid Liz, I thought internally as I turned to face the front again, embarrassed about my eager thoughts.
About halfway through the lesson, the teacher made us go in pairs. I was shocked but elated when James chose me as his partner, and it once again made my heart race. So many mixed signals! We were told to work together on a worksheet, so James came to sit next to me and we started working through it.
Something else I hadn’t noticed; James was quite smart. Not totally, freakishly intelligent and knew everything; he was on a similar level to me. He was smart enough to get through with As and Bs. He helped me on some questions, and I helped him; it was a good system.
I hated myself for thinking that James and I were good for each other. Of course we weren't! We were similar and yet totally not. James got on with everyone and always made an effort to help people, whereas I didn't really make an effort to like or help anybody. In short, I was a failure.
My good mood evaporated almost instantly; it had a really frustrating habit of doing that. James instantly noticed my change of mood.
"Liz, what's up?" he asked with an anxious frown. I shrugged limply. How could I explain, how could I explain that I felt belittled by him, that I felt useless compared to him, that he was everything I wanted, because he was everything I wasn't?
I felt tears well up as I realised I would never be with him, I would never deserve him, he would never want me.
"Liz! What's wrong? You can tell me, you know," he looked a little hurt. He thought I didn't trust him. I shook my head vigorously before realising that must have looked like I didn't want to tell him.
"I just...it's hard to explain. I...I..."
He rested a hand on my shoulder and it made me shiver as warmth penetrated my body. "It's fine, you don't have to explain if you don't want to. I was just making it clear; if you want to, you can," he gave me a soft smile that almost broke my heart, and I nodded.
"Thank you," I whispered, and I somehow got the sensation that all my feelings and thoughts for and about James were unveiled in those two simple words.
But he just smiled as though it were nothing.
~*~*~
Thankfully I didn't have many more depressing moments for the remainder of the day. I managed to remain cheerful and normal, hanging with my friends, feeling whole and happy. The rest of the day seemed to pass in a blur, and before long, it was time to go home.
I walked hand in hand with Alex for most of the journey, talking to him about school and stuff, but then we had to go our separate ways so I kissed him softly. As we began to walk away from each other, I began to feel seriously guilty for what I was doing.
Going out with Alex when I was in love with his cousin was pitiful and horrible. I should end it before things got too out of hand. Yet, I hoped he would somehow obliterate the love I had for James, to make all my troubles disappear.
And I hated myself for that, for just using him. I was pathetic. I felt tears sting my eyes as I thought about what I might do to him, and I felt even worse as I realised breaking it off would mean explaining, which would mean he would hate me forever.
I couldn't lose him.
Not Alex.
He kept me sane through everything I had gone through, he was one of the most amazing people in my life.
I couldn't hurt him like that.
I had to keep it going and hope my feelings for him would change.
I tried to stop myself crying as I walked up the garden path and took deep, steady breaths, trying to calm myself. I opened the door and let out a shaky greeting to my dad, who entered the hallway and smiled at me. I managed to smile back and sorted out my stuff before going to play some music to get my mind off of Alex and James for a little while.
Strumming softly, I began to sing, deciding on a happy song, trying to cheer myself up. I decided being depressed and crying was not the way to go about things. It didn't help anything. I had to be optimistic and actually try and help myself, rather than crying to other people.
As my song came to a halt, my dad suddenly cleared his throat from the doorway. I looked up, surprised, and smiled at him.
"Hey, dad," I said.
"Liz," he said slowly, and I frowned.
"Yes?"
"I've planned an outing for us. You know, father and daughter. Family," he said, and my face lit up in a smile.
"That's great! When and where are we going?"
"London, this weekend. I'll try my best to make it good for you, Liz," he said, a weary smile creasing his face.
"Thanks," I said quietly with a soft smile.
I was going to London with my dad!
~*~*~
Friday passed quite quickly, surprisingly. I had an amazing day with my friends, as usual, but I couldn't help but worry about a) James and Alex and b) Nicola. She was too quiet, she hadn't bitched to me yet or tried to knock me out. I was worried about what she might be scheming, and kept it in my mind to talk to James and/or Lily at a later stage.
Now, it was after school and I was at home, packing for the weekend. I chucked a hoodie, a couple of pairs of jeans, a couple of t-shirts and some socks and underwear into my suitcase. Then I found Freddy the Teddy Bear - the bear James had given me when we had been tiny, in London itself - and packed him in neatly. I also tucked a notepad and pen in the little pocket on the inside, in case I wanted to write.
Once I was packed, I slipped my phone in my pocket then played my guitar for a little longer, playing songs my mother had taught me. I played them for my dad, who wanted to hear me sing, and he also just wanted to hear the songs my mother had composed.
Thinking about my mother made me remember the guy from the cemetery who had been standing staring at her grave. He looked familiar, yet I was sure I didn't know him. Who could he possibly be?! And why was he standing by her grave?
I finished the songs and then a honk outside informed us that the taxi was here. I put my guitar down and dad and I went out into the hallway, he grabbed our cases and we left the house, in good spirits for the weekend to come.
The driver seemed just as cheerful as we were as he put our cases in the boot and opened the door for me. I smiled and thanked him and soon we were off down the country lanes to the capital city.
It was mostly the driver and dad doing all the talking as we drove. It seemed dad was happy, which made me happy. As much as he had hurt me, I didn't want him to be depressed because of it. His blue eyes, identical to mine, twinkled as he smiled and his brown, greying hair settled over his forehead, not quite receding yet.
I glanced out of the window and watched the green country slowly turn into grey city, to match the depressing clouds in the sky. But I didn't let the weather bother me; it was always like this in the winter, and besides, I was spending the whole weekend in London, with my dad! I was more excited than anything.
The suburbs turned into towering grey buildings, red bricked museums and street upon street of shops. Of course, the place was filled with cars; we stopped every ten seconds at a red light or traffic jam. It was all so busy and slightly overwhelming; I wasn't a great fan of cities, living in a small town.
We reached a slightly quieter area and soon the taxi came to a halt outside a small, nice looking bed-and-breakfast that dad informed me we'd be staying at for the weekend. It was around five o'clock, and I was buzzing to be in the streets of London.
I stepped out of the taxi and took my small case as an excitable woman came and greeted us. She mostly talked to my dad while I stood and stared around me at the quiet area of London. We finally entered the B&B.
The lady showed us around, telling us where our rooms were, and dad said he'd unpack in his room. I couldn't be bothered, so I went to go explore. I entered the living room and looked around at the various certificates the B&B had won, then stepped outside into the garden.
A girl was sitting on the patio near the edge, staring out into the garden. She looked peaceful, so I decided not to disturb her but when I sat down on the other side of the patio, she turned around.
The most noticeable thing about her was definitely her golden coloured eyes, framed by silky black hair which fell past her shoulders.
"Hi, my name is Addyson Michaels, you must be Elizabeth Johnson?" she blurted out, talking rather quickly, as though nervous. Her accent was noticeably American. I blinked; how did she know my name? I voiced my thoughts a little suspiciously and she looked mildly horrified.
"I am sorry! The lady that runs the house told me you would be coming today, and that we were about the same age,"
She looked away, clearly embarrassed.
"Nice to meet you," I said with a warm smile. She looked shocked, and I wondered why. Did I say something weird?
"I was wondering if you'd like to hang out on the patio for a while, I mean after you've settled and all?" she sounded nervous, but there wasn't really anything to be nervous about.
"Sure," I replied, standing up and walking to sit beside her. "What brings you here, Addyson?" I asked, trying to be friendly. I wasn't that good with strangers, I wondered if she thought I was making stupid conversations.
"Um..." she suddenly looked terrified, hesitant to answer me. I frowned; did I say something wrong? "Well...I'm going for a doctor's appointment," she said hastily, and I could clearly tell this wasn't a subject she wanted to dwell on, so I tried to change it.
"Cool, are you alone?"
"Yes," she replied, a little quietly.
It was a little awkward, and I didn’t know what to say.
"How come you're here, Elizabeth?" she asked.
"Please, call me Liz," I said with a small smile. "Elizabeth sounds so posh! In answer to your question, me and my dad are just having a weekend out in London. I don't live far away," I added. She smiled.
"That's cool,"
More silence. I didn't want things to be awkward between us; I wanted to finally be normal, a little more outgoing than I usually was. More like Lily, just less....scary. I supposed that was a bit harsh; Lily wasn't really scary, just very in your face and hyperactive. But I did love her.
Addyson stared at me curiously and I raised an eyebrow.
"Your face..." she mumbled, pointing at her own cheek. I suddenly realised she must be talking about my scars, and it was my turn to want to change the subject.
"I'm not that ugly," I tried to joke, but she didn't laugh. I cringed; jokes weren't really my strong point.
"I am," she mumbled, and I frowned.
"No you're not! You're really pretty. You have gorgeous eyes," I added, with a small smile. Her eyes widened as she stared at me in shock.
"You think so?"
"Yeah! They're unique," I replied. "Why do you think you're ugly?"
"Everyone tells me I am. Apart from Mandi, Jace, Caroline and Braxton." Her eyes shone when she mentioned that last name. "I'm fat and ugly. In the streets, people look at me then look away instantly, as though disgusted by me. Everyone hates me. I'm constantly picked on because of my fat, I'm always teased, they never get bored of it!"
I frowned deeply. OK, so she did seem overweight, but that was a horrible reason to pick on someone. I'd never had a problem with people calling me fat because I'd always been unhealthily skinny. But I knew what it was like to be teased and picked on, I knew what it was like to know that everyone hated me. I had so been there.
"Addy," I said, shortening her name without even realising it. "Not everyone hates you. Mandi, Jace, Caroline and Braxton don't. I don't. I'm sure your parents don't,"
She stared at me.
"What kind of parent hates their own child?"
"My dad hated me for five years."
I blurted it out without even thinking and she looked utterly shocked.
"He hated me because it was my fault my mum died. He was an alcoholic, he beat me almost every night, for five, long years. That's what the scars are. I have more-"
I showed her my arms, my calves and a little of my stomach.
"My mother died in a car accident when I was eleven, because I didn't warn her about the other car. She died because of me." Tears had sprung to her eyes; but not mine. "I had no one, no one for five years. My friends left me. I had no family. My dad abused me. But I stayed as strong as I could.
"Sure, I cried; I cried tonnes. Probably more than I should have. I was weak. Everyone picked on me, too. I was a loner, I had no friends, and people took advantage of that. I was poor and had awful clothing, people picked on me for that, too.
"But I pulled through eventually, and you know what? I'm now enjoying a weekend in London with the same man who almost killed me sometimes."
I let it all out, trying to let her know that she wasn’t alone, she wasn't the only one going through difficulties. She stared at me with tears running down her cheeks and I gave her a small smile.
"Let's be friends," I said simply, and she nodded, wiping away the tears.
Addy was really cool. She had the same childishness Lily had and I found myself extremely comfortable around her. We went to my room and messed around for ages, singing along to our iPods and dancing around, acting a little crazy.
She told me all about Braxton and how she was desperately in love with him and how happy they were together, and she told me about her fears about the doctor which I found out was because she was getting surgery for her body, to make her skinnier.
I, in turn, told her all about Alex, although I couldn't quite bring myself to tell her the whole truth and ended up skipping out that I was in love with James, not Alex. Guilt plagued me once again but I forced myself to be happy for Addy.
Finally dinner time came and I introduced Addy to my dad. She didn’t mention anything, thankfully, and we had a pleasant meal, talking and getting to know each other. Then it was bed time a couple of hours later and we parted, both happy that we weren't alone in our struggles.
~*~*~
My night had been filled with nightmares about Alex and James and Nicola and what could possibly happen if I told Alex about my feelings. I woke up feeling hollow, deflated, upset and sighed, trying to cheer myself up a little and not be depressed. I needed to make this weekend work, if not for me, then for my dad.
I got up and dad exited his room shortly after I did. We greeted each other and went down for breakfast, where Addy already was. Dad asked if Addy had anything planned for today, to which she replied nothing particular. I noticed dad had a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he smiled.
We got ready to go out and dad told me to get Addy. I did as he said and he announced he'd be taking us to the festival on Tower Bridge in London! We were both hyped up for this exciting prospect, and dad assured Addy he'd pay for stuff so she could enjoy herself.
The first thing we did was get on a double decker bus, which made me happy; I'd always wanted to go on one. I smiled at her face as her grin grew more and more excited, happy I'd bestowed joy on this clearly troubled girl.
We got off the bus at the bridge, which she stared at in awe, and dad led the way round, explaining sights and stuff. There were tonnes and tonnes of people gathered on the huge bridge, staring at the magician's acts and dancing performances and Tai Kwon Do demonstrations spread over the dull water of the Thames.
The whole day was spent marvelling over the festival. Addy was clearly enjoying herself a lot, as was I, and I could tell my dad was pleased he had made us happy. The smell of food in the air was delightful; spicy, fast food, sugary, and Asian, all in one. The crowds were alive in chatter, laughter and joy.
The best part was possibly the evening, when a colossal firework display lit up half of London in fiery reds, yellows and greens, cracklings and bangs. I grinned in awe as they were set off above us and yelled at Addy if she was enjoying the display. She nodded eagerly
and I smiled, knowing I had enjoyed the day to the full.
Dad had been separated from us at some point in the crowds, so I sent him a text telling him Addy and I were on our way back, and then we began to walk to the bus station, buzzing with energy, excitedly talking about the day.
We squeezed into the crowd and continued to chatter, our adrenalin dying down a bit as we were squashed against each other in the crowds. We were close to the bus stop, but the crowd tore us apart for a moment and I lost sight of her.
I suddenly heard a girl yelling things like, "Hey fat girl, I'm talking to you!" and "Bitch, I said stop!" and I frowned, suddenly anxious. If she was talking about Addy...
I cut through the crowds anxiously, trying to be as polite as possible, snapping a little as someone deliberately didn't move, and then my blood ran cold as she shrieked, "FATTSO, I SAID STOP!"
I finally shoved the last people out of the way to see Addy on the floor, with a skinny, bitchy looking girl that looked like a Nicola equivalent standing over her, looking angry. Addy shakily stood up and I stared in horror with the rest of the crowd as I saw the blood running down her face.
But the scariest part was the expression on her face.
She didn't look angry, or upset; her face showed absolutely no emotion whatsoever. It was completely blank. She just stared at the girl, unblinkingly, and honestly I could not tell what she was thinking at all. It scared me a little.
The girl that had pushed her over sobered up immediately, her face turning pale as one of her little friends said,
"That's enough Brandi, let's go,"
Brandi paused, her eyes still on Addy. I knew what she was going to do seconds before she did it; I was used to that look in her eyes, the look of hatred before they raised their fist to pummel you. Nicola and my own father had both shown similar expressions.
Before she could inflict any more damage on Addy, I stepped forwards and grabbed her wrist tightly even as she raised it to slap her. My grip was like iron as she turned to look at me, and I gazed at her icily, nothing but pure hatred in my eyes. She would not ridicule Addy like that.
"If you touch her again," I said in a cold, level voice. "God help me, I will destroy you." My words seemed to cut her like glass as she gazed at me. I don't think I had ever hated anyone quite as much, with the exception of Nicola; although I didn't quite have the guts to treat Nicola like this.
"Liz," Addy startled me. "Please, let's just go,"
I could see the desperation in her voice, the fear in her tone and I knew this Brandi bitch had inflicted it, so I didn't heed her words. I turned back to Brandi. She turned to her friends, begging them to help, but they shook their heads, walking away.
She turned back to me and my fearless, cold gaze, my grip still hard on her wrist. I waited. I waited five, ten, twenty seconds, staring icily into her eyes, hoping to disconcert her. Then I spoke.
"How does it feel? How does it feel to be zeroed in on, pointed out to a group of people, embarrassed, degraded, humiliated, and abused? How does it feel to want to shrink out of your skin, to become invisible, and run screaming in pain and shame, panic and despair?"
I virtually threw her wrist out of my hand in disgust, not wanting to even touch vermin like her again. How could you hate someone for being fat? How could you abuse and harm someone you didn't even know, just because of their appearance?
She was stupid. It was taking every ounce of self control not to beat the shit out of her.
"Everyone here knows who you really are on the inside. Everyone here knows that you're not as perfect as you appear. Everybody standing here, with their eyes on you, takes you for what you really are; a monster."
It seemed these words it home as she began to cry, trying to muster up a decent comeback, but none seemed to come to mind and she settled with a pathetic, "Bitch!" before running to a guy in the crowd. But the drama wasn't over yet; although she was begging him, he wouldn't go with her. Instead, he said,
"I'm taking them home," pointing at Addy and I.
She cried as she ran away into the night, and I sighed inwardly, wishing I had the courage to stand up to Nicola like that. Suddenly, cheers erupted into the night and I looked around me, confused as to why the huge crowd around us was whooping and clapping. I suddenly felt a pair of arms around me crush me and glanced to my side to see Addy pinning me into her embrace.
Smiling warmly, I hugged her back, patting her back as she cried into my shoulder. She sobbed out a 'thank you' before pulling away, seeming to get her act together. A random doctor came out of the crowd and began to inspect her face as randomers shook my hand, congratulating me on my speech. Dustin, Brandi's friend, smiled at me and the three of us began to go to the B&B, me feeling very accomplished.
~*~*~
The next morning, I went down to breakfast with my dad and explained what had happened last night over my cereal, wondering why Addy wasn't coming down.
"Liz," he said with a smile. "I'm so glad you could stand up to that girl like that. You're so strong, so amazingly strong, and I'm so proud of you for pulling through, after everything that's happened to you,"
To my surprised he crushed me into a hug and I hugged him back, realising what he said was true. I had made it through, with help, of course. And I was glad I had helped Addy make it through, too.
I wondered why she still hadn't come down to breakfast, and frowned, going up to my room to write for a while before dad said we were going. I was tempted to see if Addy was in her room but I didn't want to disturb her in case she was sleeping.
Suddenly there was a knock on my door and I answered it, surprised to see dad looking extremely anxious.
"Liz, we have to go back home. Mrs Collins has been in an almost fatal accident," he blurted out, and my eyes widened as the horror sank in.
Fuck no. Not Sue as well.
I nodded numbly before he turned and went back to his room, and I closed the door, feeling a bit like a zombie. Why did this have to happen?!! Why Mrs Collins?! And what if...I shuddered at the thought. She couldn't be dead.
I finished packing and suddenly realised I hadn't said goodbye to Addy, so I scribbled her a hasty note, hoping she would come in here.
Addy,
I'm sorry I had to go without saying goodbye in person. But something came up and I had to go right away. I hope you're alright; that girl was nasty. I'm leaving my phone number and address so that we can keep in touch.
I was very pleased to meet you Addy, I really needed that release, and I sincerely hope you feel better too.
Your friend,
Liz
Then I hurriedly followed my dad out of the B&B, in desperate hope that Sue - and her children - were alright.
______________________________________________
HOORAY!
COOKIE IS BACK IN THE GAME!
WRITER'S BLOCK IS OVER!
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Mccombsl249, who's idea it was to collaborate this chapter; Addy is her character! Read her story "Your life in my eyes", it's fantastic!
ColmPatrick, because without him, you couldn't have a chapter; he told me to give it a break trying to write it, and what to do know, 11 pages ;)
Thank you all so much for your patience, I'm glad you stuck with me :D
Vote, Comment, Fan if you think I, and this story, deserve it :)