First Impression: beautiful cover!
I think the start of the story is very cute, it's like Bree is telling a story. I can really see the contrasting personalities between Bree and Carter by the way they act, which is great characterization. I do think that Bree's personality is a little unstable, because it tends to waver. Sometimes she acts really shy, and hides away, but then sometimes she stands up for herself. I just feel that in the beginning of the story, you give us an impression that Bree is shy, timid, and not outgoing, but then at Carter's game, she just started talking to Haley. It just doesn't really match up, in my opinion. You have a great writing style and amazing descriptions that really aid the story. Your chapters do become more solid as the story progresses, so I would suggest to work on the beginning chapters of the story. For example, the major conflict should come before chapter 3, and at this point, I'm still confused on where this story is headed. It seems to just be us following the life of Bree, and experiencing all her ups and downs. It's like a never ending roller coaster; we don't know where this story will end. There was also not much physical description of the characters. I also found it kind of foolish that Bree and Carter get together and all of sudden, they start encountering all these conflicts, and then they're broken up, and it just seems like a mess. I would work on organizing each scene so they flow better and aren't so awkwardly placed.
Remember that these suggestions are just my opinion, and this is your story, so make sure to write it the way you want it to be! If you don't agree with any of these suggestions, then ignore them :)
Payment: art for books (completed)
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- bluecrayonlady