14. Lonely
Zuko was soaring over snowcapped mountains and green valleys. His keen eyes could distinguish great many details even from this distance. A predatory instinct focused Zuko's attention to all sudden movements; making him constantly notice suitable prey.
Zuko knew the sun would rise soon. An ancient knowing told him so. Also, the morning mist was beginning to form with clouds of moist swirling all around him.
Zuko had a destination but he did not have a plan. His actions were based on the hope that the Order would take kindly to a dragon, but he had no guarantee. Since there was not much else he could do in the way of taking precautions, he decided to at least approach the place carefully.
Uncle would have been very disappointed in him. The old man always scolded Zuko when he acted before thinking or devising a proper plan. But perhaps even Uncle would have agreed that the highly unusual and time-sensitive situation called for swift action.
In his paws Zuko was carrying the worryingly limb body of a young earthbender. He tried to hold her gently so as not to cause any extra damage. Zuko did not know what exactly was wrong with Ilya, but moving her like this probably did her no favors.
Zuko did not know much about the girl, but the little he had learned from Sokka's and Ari's conversation had told him she was responsible for saving an enemy soldier for the sake of doing what she thought was the right thing.
Weird and treasonous, yet oddly honorable all at once. I guess if one of my crew helped an enemy of mine like the Avatar to escape, I would be furious, but even then it would depend on the circumstances. More importantly, Ilya is just a kid, and kids do and say rash and stupid things.
So what if she screwed up this time? She should not have to pay for it for the rest of her life.
In the end, there weren't enough people who stood up for what they believed in these days, and Zuko was not about to let one quite literally die in his arms.
As Zuko scaled one last hilltop, the monastery came into view. A less educated eye would not have been able to tell there was a building there at all, but Zuko had the advantage of knowing where to look.
He flew a little higher, letting a thin cloud cover him from possible spectators. It was most likely an unnecessary precaution. Odds were no one was watching up, and even if someone was, they probably could not see a black dragon against the still dark sky. Nonetheless, Zuko could always breathe a bit easier knowing he was in a sound hiding place.
Zuko could tell there were two guards at their usual posts on the monastery's wall. They would have been invisible to anyone on the ground level, but from a bird perspective, Zuko had no trouble seeing them hiding atop the wall.
Zuko circled around one more time to make sure there were no other beings on the monastery's grounds. He would have preferred to have more time to study his surroundings, but as an experienced infiltrator Zuko knew that in every mission there came a time when the only way to precede was by taking a small leap of faith.
Zuko swooped into motion. Following a cold wind current heading down the mountainside, he rushed down. He was moving so close to the rocky cliffs of the mountain that he needed to serpent around few tall trees to avoid hitting them.
In mere seconds Zuko was close enough to catch the guards' scent. Soundlessly, he landed on three paws, steading his claws on a mountainside that would have been too steep for a human to climb. Well, at least too steep for any reasonable human being to climb on; Zuko himself had been just crazy enough to enter the monastery from this direction the first time he had broken in there.
Listening intently, Zuko was relatively sure that he could even make out the guards' breathing. Slowly, he reopened his wings, and let the wind float him further. down As the monastery came back to view behind the vegetation, Zuko saw that the guards were still oblivious to his presence, each huddled in their own hiding place on opposite sides of the wall.
In one leap, Zuko closed the distance between himself and the guard closer to him, landing only a few meters behind the young man. Immediately the guard's pose straightened and every hair on his back stood up. He swirled around, a look of utter shock forming on his face when he realized what he was facing.
Now that Zuko was close enough to really see the guards face he was sure it was no one he knew. The man was young, probably only a few years older than Zuko, so he was probably still an apprentice. The man opened his mouth to call for help, or quite possibly to scream, but before he could make a sound, Zuko's whisker was on the man's forehead.
'Be calm. Not an attack, Zuko communicated to the frightened man, causing him to freeze in place. A friend. Need help. Get Master Kurita. Now.'
The man was in awe but still too afraid to move, so Zuko decided to nudge him with a friendly memory. For a brief moment, he showed the man an image of a sun-warmed pond in the middle of a still clearing; it was a place Uncle had taken him to meditate in one time. It was the calmest thing he could think of that would not be too recognizable to give anything away about his identity.
That random image seemed to snap the man out of his terror: "But... it is impossible..."
'Master Kurita. Now', Zuko commanded.
The man nodded.
"Hey!" the other guard yelled from some distance away, finally having noticed Zuko's silhouette against the gray morning light. The older man whistled a high-pitched warning.
This was to be expected, but it still made Zuko anxious to be out in the open. He broke the connection to the younger guard. It was not this young apprentice that Zuko needed to convince to take Ilya in.
Admirably swiftly, a group of Order people emerged from different entries, ready to defend their little sanctuary, come what may. Most of them halted in place upon seeing what they were up against.
"Um, it is okay", the guard Zuko had communicated with managed to say. "He is a friend."
Zuko was still unwilling to let go of Ilya, in case he would have to make a quick escape after all. He peered at the newly-formed crowd on the yard, looking for people who may be useful to him. Feeling surrounded and outnumbered, Zuko was constantly resisting the urge to growl and open his wings in order to look bigger and badder. Still, he knew he mustn't. It would sent the wrong signal.
Finally, Zuko saw Master Kurita enter the small courtyard. The guard standing next to Zuko noticed it, too. "Master Kurita! This, um, dragon wants to have a word with you."
Zuko weighed his options. He could fly over to Kurita, but that would mean he would have to give up his position. On the other hand, he did not have the patience to wait for the master to climb up to the wall. Slowly, so as not to alarm anyone, Zuko spread his wings.
He made eye-contact with Kurita to see if his gesture had been understood. To Zuko's relief, Kurita nodded to him, and then commanded his men to make space for their guest to land. Some of the Order people looked like they disagreed, but they all complied.
Zuko flew down and landed in front of Kurita. Not wasting time, he formed a connection between their minds. It was easier than he had anticipated, but Zuko was still nervous. He did not wish to reveal who he really was, so he focused his mind to dominate the conversation.
Zuko showed Kurita a short story piled together from his own, Sokka and Ari's memories. In a flash he showed how Ilya had saved a Yu Yan and had been injured fighting her own people. Zuko lowered the earthbender down before Kurita and finished his 'story' with the intent of saying: Help. Please.
Zuko broke away as soon as the message was across.
Kurita looked surprised. He probably wasn't used to being dismissed like this. Still, he recovered swiftly, bowing his head deep in respect, saying: "I am Master Kurita, and this is the Order of Shadows. You are welcome here, unnamed dragon, and so is this girl you have pleaded sanctuary for."
Zuko stared at Kurita. The man looked older and more fragile than he had remembered, but his eyes were still every bit as sharp as before. Zuko did not doubt his word. He lowered the girl to the ground between himself and the master.
Zuko lowered his head a little, forming something he hoped looked like a dragon version of a bow. Then, without a warning, he opened his wings and took to the sky.
On his way to the monastery, Zuko had briefly considered staying there himself, but now that he was actually here, he knew that this was not the place for him. It wasn't just the things Kurita had said the last time they had met that had made him leave the first time.
These people have chosen to dedicate their lives to preserving ancient knowledge. I can respect them for it, but it is not the same as belonging with them. I am no longer sure what kind of life I would choose for myself if I could have things my way, but I know this isn't it.
Not even close.
Only now that there were no immediate threats or ground-breaking revelations to keep his mind occupied, Zuko realized how tired he was. He had not rested since... since.
Zuko was afraid to stop and rest; afraid to be left alone with his own thoughts. If he would stop to listen to them, he'd have to face the reality of his situation.
Zuko had no idea what to do next.
So long as Zuko had a plan, even a desperate plan like finding and capturing the Avatar, he could find the strength within him to keep going. Even after Zuko had been banished and his personal world had ended, the Prince had been able to bear it by focusing his energy on rectifying his circumstance. But now he did not have a plan, not even a short-term plan, not even a bad plan, and Zuko felt tired.
Ursa did not want him. Zuko felt numb. Too tired and lost for the pain to reach him.
He was hollow; in pieces with a few of the pieces missing. But it was easier this way. Easier to breathe and think while being out of touch with his old life.
Ozai had considered killing Zuko, but Zuko was certain his father would not have gone through with it. Not unless Zuko had deserved it, and if that had been the case, it would have been Zuko's fault.
Ozai had banished Ursa. Their family had been shattered because of... because of Zuko.
Ursa had murdered Azulon.
It appeared that things Zuko had taken for granted had grumbled down like a house that had been built on a poor foundation.
My family is built on lies.
But now his mind felt clearer. Cold and numb, but clear.
Zuko's mother had killed his grandfather, the Fire Lord, and it, too, was Zuko's fault. Or maybe it wasn't, Zuko wasn't sure anymore, but at least Zuko would be the one get punished for it.
How could Uncle ever forgive him? Zuko was responsible for the death of his father.
All this time, Iroh had been there for Zuko. Uncle would worry for Zuko, Zuko knew as much, but he wasn't sure if he had it in him to face Iroh after all he had learned.
I have been holding him back all these years. Uncle deserves better.
None of this was Iroh's fault. He did not deserve any of it. He deserved to have the peaceful retirement years he always spoke of.
Iroh would mourn Zuko, but he would get over it. He would be better of without him.
Zuko saw a clearing in the forest below him. He had been flying forward without paying attention to his surroundings. Now he was too tired to keep flying so he landed.
Zuko curled on himself.
I could still capture the Avatar.
If Zuko regained his honor, he could return to the Fire Nation and become the prince he had been born to be. In fact, if he had not been in such a hurry earlier to take Ilya to a healer, he could have followed the Water Tribe boy straight to the Avatar's location. Somehow, though, Zuko wasn't sure if that was what he should do.
A cloud of doubts filled his mind. He tried to shake it off but no clarity came.
Zuko wasn't sure if he should capture the Avatar anymore, or even if there ever was a time he should have. The airbender was nothing like the scary and bitter man Zuko had expected to find. He was far from harmless but he was... a kid.
Looking back on it, Zuko realized that he had had doubts about his mission for quite some time now. Possible since th emoment he had first seen Aang through Katara's eyes.
That could be the reason why Zuko had not tried as hard as he could have to capture the airbender so far, and why he had let himself get distracted from his quest so easily. Zuko had just been too stubborn to admit his doubts even to himself before now.
It was ridiculous to think this way. Think that he knew better than all the Fire Lords before him. Not to mention treasonous.
The Avatar was and would always remain a great and very real threat to his nation and it was Zuko's duty to his people to eliminate that threat. There was no other way.
And still.
Thankfully Zuko was so tired that he was able to doze off despite the rising sun. It would be easier to just sleep. There was no way his nightmares could compare with the nightmare that was the reality.
Ooo
"I'm so bored", Toph said to no one in particular. Not like she had anyone to talk to.
She kicked a little boulder, causing it to fly across the cave.
Toph knew she shouldn't complain. She had, after all, been able to escape her golden cage for a day. That was something to be grateful for. It had lately become harder and harder to find ways to ditch her useless earthbending teacher and get the opportunity to run otf to the caves to study some actual earthbending.
The Earth Rumble was only a month away, and she should have been making the most of this chance. Instead, it all felt... pointless.
Toph knew she was the greatest earthbender in the world. And it wasn't just that she thought she was the greatest. She really was, certifiably; she had her six Earth Rumble championships to prove that. So she knew it, but what was the point when no one else did?
Why can't my parents see it? Why can't they see me?
For a moment, Toph felt like crying, but luckily that made her angry. Anger was better than sadness. Sadness was useless, not to mention pathetic. She was not one of those stupid girly girls that cried.
Toph kicked another unsuspecting boulder, crushing it to dust. She crossed her arms defiantly. Not that there was anyone to see the gesture here in these caves. No one came here, no one but her and the badger-moles, and they were all blind.
Even if someone had gotten lost and ended up down in the caves, Toph would have known about. Down here, she was the one who could see.
Toph kept walking, not heading to anywhere in particular. She had excavated these caves in depth in her childhood. This was where she had first met the badger-moles and where her new life of seeing had begun. But as Toph had grown older, her parents had begun keeping an even tighter watch over her, and she couldn't remember when had been the last time she had had the time or the energy to wander this deep into the cave system.
I must be miles away from Gaoling by now, she thought to herself. Good. Maybe I'll just keep walking and never go back there.
But Toph knew she wouldn't do that. She couldn't. They were her parents, no matter how dorky they sometimes were, and she was their only child. Their precious, lonely doll. And she was bored.
Toph stopped. She could see... something.
First she thought that a badger-mole had stopped to rest in a cave above her. Focusing on the weight, Toph could tell that it was no badger-mole. But it was something big. And something alive.
A komodo-rhino? No, the shape is all wrong.
Toph focused even harder, trying to build an image of the creature, but it kept eluding her.
What had begun as mild curiosity was now turning into annoyance. It was like this thing was purposefully toying with her, mocking her blindness, and proving her inadequate.
What are you?
The creature was not in one of the caves but on the surface. It wasn't moving, but it was definitely breathing.
Going to the surface was a bad idea. Of course she was more than able to take care of herself, but someone might see her.
For a moment Toph was torn between heading back home and going up to surface in the hopes of getting a better look at the unidentified being. She had already taken a step towards home when it hit her that running away from a possible fight was cowardice. And she was not a coward.
Instead Toph began digging a tunnel towards the creature's resting place.
Ooo
Zuko had never been a deep sleeper, a fact that had apparently not changed upon him turning into a dragon. He wasn't sure how long he had been asleep, but looking at the sun, he guessed it was about midday.
A quiet sound had woken him. Now Zuko was wide awake.
Zuko stayed very still, not wanting to let his potential attackers to know he was onto them. Instead he listened intently, attempting to identify the direction and the source of the sound that had caught his attention.
There. Something brushing against the grass.
In a flash Zuko was up on his feet, ready to fight, flashing his teeth and growling.
To his great surprise, the source of the sound wasn't a horde of attackers. It was a tiny girl.
The girl yelped. Zuko didn't know how to react.
Suddenly, the girl waved her arms in a kata, which caused a massive amount of earth beneath Zuko's feet to spike up, tying him in place.
As if tying a dragon would make it considerably less dangerous.
Zuko reprimanded himself for underestimating a person just because she looked like a cute little girl. Azula was a cute little girl, too, but that did not mean she wasn't lethal. This earthbender was clearly a kindred spirit.
Hating feeling so vulnerable, Zuko opened his mouth and huffed waves of fire at his feet, causing the earth to dry up, weaken and, in places, even explode off his paws.
Zuko turned his focus on the girl again. She had raised a wall of earth to protect herself from pieces of rock. Zuko growled a deep growl to let her know she should not mess with him. He was so not in the mood for this.
Before Zuko could do anything, the girl attacked again. This time she used an ostrich-horse-sized boulder that she assembled out of nowhere. She threw it at Zuko with such speed that it hit home.
Zuko hissed in pain as the rock hit his left elbow and lower neck with crushing precision. Blinded by anger, Zuko shook off the pain, and in one quick wave of his wings, rose to the sky.
He circled the girl, keeping a distance from the element that would bring him pain. Zuko vaguely realized that he had the option of just simply flying away, but it wasn't in his nature to turn down a fight. A part of him was starting to enjoy this.
For a moment the girl seemed to have frozen in place. Then she lifted her hands to cover her head, the gesture created a shield of earth over her.
Zuko dived in the air and whiplashed his tail to hit the rocky structure, the ferocity of the movement shattering the haphazardly put-together shield. Before the girl had time to get her game together, Zuko landed on top of her, grasped her in his claws and shot back up to the sky.
The key to fighting dragons was getting them down with the first hit. If you didn't, all you had accompliced was making a dragon angry. A mistake she was now paying for.
The key to fighting earthbenders was separating them from their element. A weakness Zuko intended to make the most of.
Zuko flew higher and higher, adrenaline still coursing through his veins. He noticed absently that his captive wasn't even attempting to struggle. On the contrary: she was holding on to Zuko's paw for dear life.
For the first time Zuko really looked at the girl, and noticed that there was something odd about her eyes. They were milky white.
She is blind, Zuko numbly realized. I have just abused and kidnapped a blind little girl.
Suddenly feeling horrible about his actions, Zuko struggled to think of a way to make things right. Unable to think of a better solution, Zuko created a mental connection with the girl.
'Hush, little one. Don't cry! I won't hurt you. I won't let you fall.'
The girl's unseeing eyes widened in surprise. 'You... you can speak?'
'Yes. Don't cry. Everything will be alright', Zuko assured.
'I am... I'm not crying', the girl, Toph, sniffed. 'Just get me down, will you?'
Zuko mentally agreed, suddenly understanding the extent of the girl's discomfort; she was up in tha air but could not see anything around her.
Zuko landed softly back on the same clearing they had left from. Toph was still very afraid, close to hyperventilation, and it was all Zuko's fault. He had been too absorbed in his own pain and fear to realize how she must have felt having to suddenly fight a dragon.
'Are you injured?' Zuko insisted to know. He tried to find the answer from Toph's mind, but it was hard to read, because her mind was in such a state of frenzy and also because her memories were very different from other people's memories, which were almost always in the form of images.
Back on the ground, Toph's heartbeat began to even. Her element was a great comfort and a source of power for her, and even a means to see. Zuko had never experienced anything like that, but Toph, too, was blown away.
'You... when you show me these things I... I can see! You know, like regular people. I think.'
Zuko had added calming imagery to go with the words without thinking much about it. To Toph, this was the first time she could see things the way other people saw them.
'Do it again!' Toph insisted.
Zuko concluded that at least Toph did not appear to be in pain, and so he decided to amuse her. He showed Toph the clearing they were currently on, causing her to gasp in awe.
Being nice to her was the least Zuko could do after having hurt her in his unthinkingness. Also, Zuko could not help but to feel sorry for Toph, who was blown away by such simple things as the concepts of color and sunlight. How awful it would be to be deprived of the ability to see, a gift most took for granted.
Zuko, on the other hand, did not take the ability of seeing as a given. Not after his own eye had been damaged in the Agni Kai.
The healers had told him there was a chance he would loose sight on his left eye. He hadn't, but that was not to say the eye had made a full recovery. The vision on his left eye had been a bit blurred ever since. It was a weakness Zuko was ashamed of, but had learned to compensate for.
So, Zuko was not delusional enough to think that Toph wanted or needed help or pity. Far from it. Even now, in Zuko's opinion, Toph was a dangerously powerful and resourceful earthbender first. She was also a brave and openminded young woman. Her blindness did not define who she was.
'This is amazing!' Toph exclaimed, and changed the topic seamlessly. 'I didn't know dragons can speak. In fact, I didn't know there where still dragons.'
'I didn't know it was possible to see with your feet', Zuko shot back, annoyed with himself for having once again revealed national secrets to a perfect stranger. The girl wasn't nearly as afraid of him as any sane person would have been, and it was actually rather unnerving.
'You are inside my head', Toph stated. Thoughtful but not afraid.
Another unusual reaction. 'Most people find it offensive', Zuko admitted. 'Aren't you offended?'
'You kidding me?' Toph replied. 'This is way cooler than talking to badger-moles.'
Zuko blinked. Maybe he had misinterpreted that.
'Oh, gush, I hit you with a rock', Toph suddenly recalled. 'You alright?'
Zuko tried to move his left shoulder and had to grimace. He peered his long, elastic neck to check the damage. The boulder had hit him with such force that it had scratched his scaly skin. No small achievement taking into consideration that dragon's skin was built to weather fire.
'I'll live.'
Toph nodded. Suddenly, her face formed into a smile. 'You should be more careful who you go around attacking, Flicker.'
Flicker? 'You attacked first', Zuko had to point out.
'No, I tied you down. Had I been trying to attack you, you would be out for the count.'
'Big talk.'
'Hey! I would have totally taken you down if you hadn't cheated!' The girl exclaimed.
Zuko was vary. Toph appeared upset, maybe even angry, but then she smiled again playfully.
'You are difficult to read', Zuko admitted. It was odd how easy it was for him to talk to this stranger.
'Years of practice. I have a killer poker face', Toph admitted, and Zuko was relatively sure she meant it, too.
Toph continued: 'It isn't easy to be a master earthbender, but it's a lot harder when you have to let people think you are a pathetic little girl.'
Zuko was confused, so Toph explained that her parents did not expect much of her. Nothing but quiet obedience. Nothing more than her being everything they thought she should be, and a madly skilled earthbender wasn't what they had asked for.
Zuko realized that he had been wrong to think Toph was like his sister. Her life reminded him much more of another girl he used to know. Mai had always had hidden skills and interests and a good poker face to go with them. Better than Zuko's for sure.
Toph was awfully quiet, so Zuko decided to take initiative: 'I understand. I, too, let my family down. I was never as good as was expected of me.'
'Ouch.' Toph considered that for a while. 'Is that why you are here alone?'
'Yes.'
'You run away from home?'
'I was banished.'
'Seriously? Well... their loss.'
Zuko blinked twice, but the girl's words still made no sense.
'You know', Toph went on, 'with you being such a nice dragon and all. It is their loss if they didn't see how awesome you actually are.'
Zuko was still baffled. 'But... we must respect our parents. They are... right.'
Toph snorted.
Zuko tried to explain: 'My Father is powerful and wise. He had his reasons.'
A nagging doubt asked Zuko that if his Father was so righteous, why did he want his own son dead? Zuko would not allow himself to think in that way. He wouldn't have killed me. He couldn't have.
'Killed you? Who tried to kill you?'
'No one.' Too bad Zuko wasn't a good liar. He would have to be more careful and not let inner monologues turn into inner dialogs. 'I should go.'
'Fine. Actually, I should head home pretty soon too, before anyone starts wondering where I am', Toph sounded nonchalant, but there was a bitter edge to her voice. Even so, Zuko broke the connection.
'She is in a hurry to return to her life based on a lie. Well, at least she can go home.'
Zuko couldn't blame her. If Zuko had to pretend to be something he wasn't to make Ozai accept him, he just might do it.
Earlier, Zuko would have thought it unnecessary. The old Zuko wanted to believe that after he returned home, he and Ozai would have an open and honest relationship. That his Father would listen to his son's opinions on war and other important matters.
Somehow, Zuko could no longer picture any of that.
Irrational as it may be, Zuko wished more than ever that he had stayed with Uncle. The only family I have left.
Toph began walking away, but she stopped after a few steps. Biting her lip, she turned to Zuko: "Where are you going to go?"
Zuko shrugged, which was not only a conveniently non-verbal gesture but also quite true. He had no idea where he would go. He just wanted to be somewhere else.
It occurred to Zuko that shrugging was probably a pretty useless way to reply to a blind girl, but before he had time to think of another, Toph went on: "I was just asking because... if you'll be in the neighborhood for a while, it would be nice to hang again."
Zuko was stunned. After all the bad things I did to her, she still wants to hang with me?
Not long ago Zuko had tried to take a great deal of pride in who he was and where he came from, but now that pride had all but crumbled away. Right now, he couldn't think of any reason why anyone would want to have anything to do with him (the lonely loser he was), but Toph seemed sincere nonetheless.
Odd. Kind of like Uncle.
"See, I sometimes hang out with badger-moles, but as good listeners as they are, theyare pretty lousy when it comes to making conversation. If you have to go then I get it and it's fine but... I just thought you should know that if you are staying, you have nothing to fear from me. I won't tell anyone I met you. They won't even know I was here."
She.. really wants me to stay? This earthbending midget who thinks I am awesome. She also thinks I'm a dragon and has no clue about my true identity, but this is pretty unexpected regardless.
Although Zuko had taken a break from his old life only days ago, he had already run into, by his standards, a myriad of people, and each odder than the other. He couldn't tell if this was in any ways normal or not since for years he had been so focused on his mission that he had rarely taken true interest in other people's lives. Zuko almost never stayed in one place long enough to really get to know anyone new.
Now Zuko felt torn. It felt good to be wanted, but trust wasn't one of his strong suits. He made a brief connection to the girl. Just one question.
'Why?'
Toph smiled absently, looking more insecure than during their entire encounter so far: "You sounded like you could use a friend and, to be perfectly honest, so could I."