I throw the last cup to the already burning pile and watch it disappear. The smell is disgusting and I know this is fucking dangerous, but I am doing it anyways. Of course I made sure to do this in a safe and isolated place, where no one can get hurt. Although I’m surprised no one followed me. I mean, I walked past many people carrying three huge bags with me. How is it that no one got suspicious? Are they already so used to my erratic behaviour?
“Louis!” someone shouts and I nod, knowing it couldn’t be too long until someone would find out what I’m doing.
“What?” I shout back, still looking at the burning pile.
“What the fuck are you doing!? Get away from that. Now!” I recognise the voice, it’s Paul but although his voice is urgent, I don’t move. “LOUIS!”
I keep staring at the burning pile of Starbucks cups, seeing her face in each of those mermaids, seeing him with her, having fun, being happy. After I left them in the shop, I went to Starbucks and bought as many cups as they let me buy and came to the back of the venue where we are playing tomorrow to burn them down. All of them. Hoping it will make me feel better, and it works. As I see those plastic cups disappear, melting into a disgusting puddle, I feel better. It’s not like I’m a pyromaniac now, I just need to destroy something that makes her happy, even if it’s only the cups.
I feel someone grabbing my shoulder and pulling me back as someone else starts to extinguish the fire and I start to complain. “No! It’s not finished! They need to burn, all of them!” I shout. Trying to shove whoever is holding me.
“Louis, stop! This is dangerous and stupid.”
“I HATE STARBUCKS! I NEED TO DESTROY THOSE CUPS!” I shout again, still fighting but he is stronger and I know now it’s Paul. “LET ME DESTROY THEM!”
“Louis, stop! This is insane. And it smells awful!” he insists but I keep fighting. The fire is gone, now there’s only the horrible smell and the puddle, but the fire is gone… the destruction is over. And I’m not satisfied!
Paul drags me away but I keep screaming and I know I’m not doing it because of the fire, I’m just angry… so angry. I was trying to channel my anger by burning all those cups, and now I have no outlet. I fight Paul instead, shouting desperately as all I feel is anger, burning, consuming anger that makes me see everything red.
Why?! Why wasn’t I enough?! What did I do wrong?!
“What’s going on? Louis?” A girl says and when I look at her, I see Kay and I’m angrier, I yell at her to leave me, to disappear.
“GO AWAY, YOU WOMAN! You’re just like everyone else! I’m just your fucking project! GO AWAY!” I shout at the top of my lungs and I see surprise in her eyes.
“Paul,” she says next, not looking at me who still fights to set free from Paul’s grip. Why is he so strong? “Leave him with me.”
“What?!” Paul and I ask. “Are you mental? He will kill you! He was burning cups. He is not all right,” our bodyguard carries on.
“I know. Leave him with me,” she insists taking a step closer and I growl at her, trying to scare her. “Louis, shh, it’s okay,” she says, her voice so soft I barely hear her, so I have to stop making noise. Then her hand is on my cheek, even softer than any other time.
I freeze. I can’t move when she touches me like this, when she is looking at me like this. Paul releases me and I still don’t move, I don’t scream, I don’t kick, I don’t do anything. What is she doing to me? She approaches even more, her other hand on my cheek and before I can register what she is doing, she is hugging me. I don’t know how we end up on the floor and somehow she is between my legs, her arms tightly around my neck, her face buried in my shoulder but I don’t move, I’m just there, staring blankly.
“It’s okay, Lou. Just breathe,” she instructs me and I don’t know why but I obey. I breathe in, breathe out, slowly and carefully and my arms, slowly, unconsciously, wrap around her.
“I saw Eleanor,” I whisper and I feel her tensing against my body before she hugs me tighter, my arms are loosely around her, not really hugging her.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers back. “She was with him, right?” she asks and I close my eyes tightly, feeling the pain in my chest this time. Anger has evaporated and left me numb, with only an aching in my heart. “I’m really sorry, Louis.”
Why? Why is she sorry when she doesn’t even know who the guys is, she doesn’t even know the full story. She probably only knows that Eleanor dumped me because she found someone better, but nothing else. I have never told her a single thing and I’m sure the lads haven’t gone into much detail either. Yet she stills says sorry with so much emotion, like she is in real pain because of me.
She pulls back and takes my face in her hands again and for a moment I fear she might kiss me again, but she doesn’t, she just looks broken. “I know it’s hard to see her being happy while you’re still like his, but you can get better, Louis. I can help you, but you have to stop fighting me.”
“I don’t need help,” I say, force of habit.
“But you’re in pain right now, aren’t you? Isn’t that the reason you set those cups in fire? ‘Cos you’re not okay and maybe you don’t really need help, you’ll heal alone, but I can help you get better sooner.” Her eyes are so intensely fixed on me I feel somehow naked, like she can see those parts of myself that no one has seen before, those parts that nor even I know. “Why are you making everything so difficult?” she asks.
But I have no answer. I tell myself every day that I’m fine, that I don’t need anyone, that I will be fine without falling in love ever again, but Kay is right —and I hate admitting that, even in my mind— because I’m in pain right now, and if it hurts, if it makes me this angry it is because I’m not fine.
But how can Kay help me? I’m just her project. She wants me to fall in love with her and then what? Leave me? She says falling in love is not her style, that she has no other feelings for me. How will that help me? If I let her help me, if I allow myself to fall in her game, that will only make things worse.
“How do you plan on helping me? Uh? I’m nothing but your project. I’m just a challenge for you,” I spat, reacting this time and pushing her, regaining my personal space.
“How do you know that?” she asks, her eyes showing pain as well.
Lies! Those are all lies! She doesn’t feel a single thing for me!
“’Cos I heard you talking to Grimmy! You said that, I’m part of your fucking ‘Louis Project’. How is that going to help me, uh?!”
Kay takes a deep breath and I start to clench my fists, anger coming back to me. “I’m offering myself to be your rebound, Louis. You can use me and have fun, enjoy the moment and then go on. You don’t have to fall in love, just have fun. Then you leave me, you’ll walk away and I’ll let you. That would help you. I just wanna teach you that we’re not all the same.”
I laugh humourlessly. Yeah, sure. Not the same. “You sure? Doesn’t it make you the same as Eleanor if you let me walk away, if you expect that to happen? You don’t really want me, I’m not good enough for you either so you’re no different from Eleanor!” I shout, angry all over again.
I’m never enough, not for anyone. I’m always the one they want away, because they don’t want me around, because they know there’s someone better. Why can’t I be enough?
“Would I be the same if all I want to do is let you be happy? If I’m trying to help you to be all right before you find the girl for you?” she inquires and I shake my head. She is confusing me.
“And I won’t be enough for that girl either! What makes you think that someone will think I’m enough? Uh?”
“Because you are, Louis! Haven’t you thought that maybe Eleanor dumping you was for the best? Maybe she wasn’t meant for you and there’s a better girl for you out there. Not because it didn’t work with one you’ll assume it’s not gonna work with the next one.” She tries to reach me again, but I push myself farther.
“Eleanor was perfect for me. If I wasn’t enough for her, how can I be good enough for someone else? How?!”
I don’t know why I’m asking her all these things. Kay doesn’t even know Eleanor, and I hate Kay! She annoys me, she doesn’t care about me, she is only having fun; yet I can’t stop myself.
“Please,” she pleads, “Stop saying those things. It’s not true. I’m sure she wasn’t perfect for you, please don’t say that.”
“Why? Tell me why I shouldn’t say those things!” I demand and for the first time today, she looks away.
“I just wanna help you,” she says in a whisper. “Even if that means I may end up hurting myself.”
I want to laugh. Yeah, sure, hurt.
“You can act like you care, you can try to lie to me and say you do, but I know the truth. You’re only looking for a good joke, you are just seeking something that will amuse you. But flash news, Kay, I won’t fall for you. I may fall for anyone else, but not for you. I won’t fall for someone who thinks of me only as a challenge ‘cos I—”
“You’re not a challenge anymore!” she shouts, her eyes widen as I hold my breath. “Ugh, sometimes you drive me crazy! You’re so impossible. You think I would still insist on helping you if I didn’t care? If I didn’t care I would’ve given up long ago.”
“THEN GIVE UP!” I shout back at her. She doesn’t make sense.
“I can’t! Louis, why don’t you understand that? I just can’t give up on you.”
“Then you should,” I say coldly and I stand up, putting more distance between us. “Because it’s hopeless. You can’t help me.”
I turn on my heels and leave her alone there, still on the floor. As I keep walking, I still can feel her eyes on me, like she is touching me. But I ignore her. I’m her impossible challenge, she doesn’t care. She may say she does, she may try to make me think she cares, but she doesn’t. I’m not an idiot.
Yes, I’m hurt.
Yes, I’m not okay, but she is not the solution.
She won’t fix me.
I’m not okay but I’m not broken. There’s nothing to fix, I just need time to finish healing, to accept that I will never be enough. And she better stop trying because all she will ever get back is my hatred. I don’t need her, I just need time and space. As many people live with scars and carry heavy suitcases, I’ll live with the fact that I’m not good enough.
That’s my luggage.