I woke up with a pain in my chest and a loss of breath. I had to look around myself to understand where I was, at first I couldn't place myself but after a few seconds I remembered my old room. The old room I had decorated myself when I was about ten years old. My mom had refused to let me change it when I got a teenager, the only thing we changed was the size of my bed and my desk, but other than that I wasn't allowed to change my walls. Now, after all these years and including her murder, I was grateful she had refused and stopped me. I felt like a kid again, safe even. But it didn't stop my nightmares. Didn't stop the panic attacks I woke up to each and every night. This one was different though. I had dreamt about the man who confessed his love for me when I almost died in his arms. Only he had been the one laying on the ground. Shot in the chest. I was breathing heavy and fast, yet I felt like I couldn't get any oxygen into my lungs. The walls and memories of my childhood often calmed me but that dream got stuck in my head and my heart refused to slow down, which hurt as hell thanks to the bullet's damage.
"Why?" I whispered to myself as I once again asked myself why I was shot.
Who the hell had pointed their gun at me that day? And why did I feel so alone? I didn't know. Well, I knew the answer to that last question. My dad had left a few days ago due to him being needed at the work and I had literally pushed him out of the cabin saying I was a big girl, that I could take care of myself. Now I kinda regretted that decision. And the feeling only got worse. The dream haunted my thoughts. Was Castle okay? Where was he? Did he miss me? As much as I missed him? I had told him to give me time but somehow I hadn't expected him to actually give me what I asked for. I had expected him to give me 5 days, tops, and that he would call me asking me how I was doing. But now, five weeks later, I still hadn't heard from him and I was honestly getting afraid he had moved on and didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Those were probably the thoughts that had given me the nightmare I'd had. Unconsciously I had known for years I needed him, hell even before I met him I needed him. His books were the things that got me through my mother's murder and my father's alcohol problem. He didn't know that though, and I hadn't had any plans on telling him either, neither was he going to get to know I waited in line for hours to get one of his books signed. My heart was still pumping hard against my sore chest, and my breathing kept on the way it had when I woke up. I also realized I was all sweaty from the fear I had felt from Castle being the one laying on the ground with that damn bullet in his chest. I moved my hands to my eyes to rub away the sleep from them and found I had tears in them as well. I quickly wiped them away and tried to take a deep breath, which only ended up shaky. I turned on the lights and looked around in my childhood room. So many great memories in here but none seemed to help at the moment. I couldn't deal with all the happiness the room had given me, so I removed my covers, took my phone and walked out of the bedroom. I went to the porch which had a beautiful view towards the ocean, the sky was filled with stars and the moon was beautifully full. The worry and panic refused to leave my body though. Nothing seemed to help and I felt my eyes get watery again as I remembered the bullet break through my chest. I could still feel Castle tackling me to the ground and hear his voice in my head as he begged me to stay with him, how he whispered his confession to me. I remembered how shocked I had been but also how I, in that moment, wanted nothing else but to say it back. That's the reason I broke up with Josh, because I had realized it wasn't him I loved. To my relief he had just left without trying to hold me back, probably because he had seen I didn't really love him. I took up my phone and clicked into my photo library. I quickly searched up that one photo I had taken of him when he had fallen asleep on the plane to LA when Royce was killed. He looked like a little boy and I had been surprised by that. He had looked so peaceful and I hadn't been able to stop myself from taking the picture. I hadn't even shown him I had the picture, but he looked adorable. To my surprise the picture didn't help either. The panic attack was still making my heart beat hard against my sore chest and my breathing only got worse seeing the picture and not being able to neither see him or hear him for real. I kept on scrolling through my pictures, trying to find one of him that would help but none did. It was weird since they had helped before. I wiped my tears again and took a shaky breath. I couldn't deal with the pain anymore and went into my contacts to search for the man behind my worst nightmare. If something had happened to him I would've never forgiven myself. I kept my thumb above his name but didn't click. It was in the middle of the night and unless he for some reason was awake he should be sleeping. Without noticing my thumb clicked on his name and his image showed up, telling me I was calling him. Before I could even blink I heard him answer his phone.
"Beckett?" he said in an asking tone, like he couldn't believe the called ID was right.
I quickly sat the phone towards my ear to be able to hear his sweet voice. He was okay. He wasn't shot. But I still couldn't see him, and the panic was still all over me.
"Hello? Kate? You there?" he asked and I opened my mouth.
"I'm sor-sorry, I shouldn't have called" I excused myself in a hoarse voice, realizing I hadn't talked in a while.
"No no problem! It's nice to finally hear your voice again... How are you?" he asked after I didn't answer on his first statement.
"I'm fine" I lied but somehow I knew he wouldn't believe me.
"Kate" I heard him sigh, confirming my thoughts. "You can tell me, you don't always have to be strong. It's okay to not be okay" he said with a smooth voice.
I breathed harder and was sure he could hear the panic attack I was feeling. I heard him shuffle around in his loft.
"I'm just... I feel so lonely" I confessed in a whisper.
I didn't know why I told him, it just felt right. It felt right to have someone to talk to. And knowing he at least had feelings for me five weeks ago I felt okay with letting him in some more.
"Where are you? I can be there as fast as you need me to be" he offered and I suddenly felt a strange warm feeling go through my heart.
Before I knew it I had told him where I was and how he could get here without driving into too much traffic. He told me he would be here soon, told me to keep safe and try to keep calm as he would have to hung up to drive. I promised I wouldn't do anything stupid while I waited for him, and I felt a lot better. Though it wasn't all gone yet, somehow it felt like I would never ever be complete, no matter what I did. Almost as if that shot was a wakening telling me I would never be fine. Not even once. I suddenly remembered my tears and how sweaty I had been only a couple hours ago when I had waken up and I quickly jumped to my feet. I went into the cabin again towards the bathroom, without hesitating I jumped into the shower and let the water run down my body washing of the sweat and tears. Only five minutes after I had jumped in I went out of the shower and dried my body before I put on some more acceptable clothes Castle could see me him. I hid my scar, making sure the long sleeved shirt covered it so not even Castle would be able to see it. Once I was done I jumped surprised when I heard the door bell to the cabin. It couldn't be him already could it? Could it really had taken him that little amount of time? I went to the door but before I got there I took out my gun from a drawer just to be secure if it was someone else behind the door. I looked through the peephole and to my relief the man of my deep dreams stood there, looking quite nervous. I put away my gun and unlocked the door before I carefully opened it, not knowing how I should act around him.
"Hey" he said as he laid his eyes on me.
"Hi" I whispered and I stared into his eyes for a couple of minutes before I closed our eye contact by opening the door more and moving to let him inside.
"Thanks" he said as he passed me and I closed the door only to lock it again.
We were quiet and I walked towards the small living room in the cabin where there had always been a cozy fire before my mother passed. We sat down on the floor and I saw Castle eyeing the open fire area with interested eyes.
"You know, if you want to, I could set up a fire. It's not weird you feel lonely in this cold" he suggested and when I didn't answer he looked at me questioningly.
I only nodded and he immediately stood up and put som of the old wood into the fire place. Without much effort he managed to start a fire and I felt the warmth spread around the room in an instant. He sat down on the floor facing me again and to my surprise he took out a box of chocolate from the backpack he had taken with him inside.
"Brought you something, if you want it" he added and I noticed the nervousness once again.
He was nervous of saying the wrong thing. Nervous of making one mistake that would lead to me kicking him out and never contacting him again. I smiled small at him, letting him know I appreciated his efforts.
"Thanks Castle" I said as he opened the box and held it out for me.
I took one of the chocolate bits and put it into my mouth, tasting the familiar yet unfamiliar flavor. I couldn't help but moan at the great taste filling my mouth. I heard Castle chuckle at my reaction and when I looked at him I could see he observed me with curious eyes. He looked away when our eyes met and I got a feeling he wanted to ask me something but didn't know how.
"Spill it Castle" I encouraged him to let out whatever it was he was thinking about.
He looked up at me again and the small smile he'd had in his eyes were gone, turned into something serious and kinda sad. I felt my heart raising again, what if he knew I lied to him? What if he knew I heard him that day? Or what if he was going to ask me if I remembered again?
"How are you holding up?" he asked carefully and I breathed out the breath I didn't even know I was holding.
"Oh, I'm fi-doing better" I quickly changed middle sentence when I saw his look telling me I couldn't lie to him.
"If you need to talk, I'm here" he said but I could clearly see he wasn't going to push me.
He knew me too well to know that I probably would shut him out if he pushed me. He was probably already hurt I hadn't talked to him in such a long time, though I couldn't see anything of it in his eyes. I just knew it had hurt him, I knew he was hurting for me not remembering. What I didn't know was why he so quickly got here, why he immediately came to my rescue even though I hadn't called him in weeks. We continued eating the chocolate together, taking turns on who to grab the next chocolate bit. After about an hour my eyes were starting to drop, I hadn't been so tired in ages. I had barely gotten any sleep for the five weeks after I got shot and there was nothing I wanted more than sleep right now. Apparently I wasn't able to hide my sleepiness from the man in front of me.
"I should probably leave you for bed, you need some sleep" he said and started getting up on his feet.
I immediately widened my eyes and jumped up shaking my head.
"Please don't leave!" I exclaimed in a panicky voice and when he gave me a surprised look I added, "it's late, you shouldn't be driving. You can stay here for the rest of the night if you want, not that it's long until it's morning but still."
He gave me yet another shocked look before he slowly nodded. I could see he had million of questions circling around his mind but none escaped his closed mouth, probably knowing I was in no condition to answer them yet.
"Okay, I'll stay, but you should really get to sleep. Don't deny it, I can see how exhausted you are" he said and I bit my lip.
"I can't" I mumbled, feeling my tears appear in my eyes again.
"Why not?" he asked carefully, concern filling his voice.
I couldn't look at him. I looked everywhere but on him, trying to blink away my tears which I knew he saw. Without really warning me in any way his hand landed on my cheek and he wiped away the tears that slipped. That made me instantly look at him and we ended up staring into each other's eyes. I stared deep into those ocean blue eyes, getting lost in them like I had so many times before. It felt like I could look into his soul, see every small emotion that were hidden behind those gorgeous eyes. I realized what I was thinking and broke our eyes contact by looking down.
"You're right, I should just go to bed. Thank you so much for coming, You can take my dad's bedroom, it's through the hall to the left, you shouldn't have to take the couch" I said in an apologizing but low voice.
"Kate" he said and I knew he was going to question me.
"I don't wanna talk about it, please" I felt so vulnerable and I started regretting calling him there.
It looked like he was thinking if he really should let me go but after a few seconds he decided to nod, letting me go. So I stood up and he followed my lead, standing up close to me.
"I hope you can sleep better, good night Kate" he said and put his arms around me.
I was surprised by his sudden movement and I could feel he felt my body stiff at his closeness but he just kept holding me for a few seconds until he felt me relax finally relax. I even lifted my arms and gave him a squeeze back which surprised him.
"Good night Rick" I said as we let go and I gave him a tired smile before I went towards my old bedroom.
Once I got into my room I heard him turn around and walk towards my father's. I smiled as I closed the door and thought about sleeping in the same house as my favorite author and one of my closest friends, who also happened to be in love with me. And I couldn't really deny I had feelings for him, too. I got into my bed and pulled my covers up. It felt cold and I didn't feel as comfortable as I thought I would be knowing that I wasn't alone, that I had someone who cared about me in the same house. Somehow I managed to fall asleep anyway, though the nightmare was back and so was the panic attack.