for the song, don't forget to change she/her/hers to he/him/his :)
¡chapter warning: mentions of an eating disorder!
~~
Evan awoke to the familiar disgusting oder clogging his nose. He shot up and looked around to see that the balcony door was open but the screen was closed. Jonathan sat outside taking a long drag from pure poison. Evan couldn't help but notice how calm Jonathan looked as he took another puff, closing his eyes and leaning his head back on the rough wall. Evan stood up and began walking towards the door.
"I know that I shouldn't smoke." Jonathan stated before he even got the chance to open his mouth. Evan wasn't gonna lie, it did surprise him that Jonathan had heard him from so far away still. Nonetheless, he opened the screen door as Jonathan put out his cigarette, dunking it in the knee high snow before chucking it over the edge of the balcony.
"I was gonna say that you should come inside because it's chilly out." Jonathan peered around, slightly embarrassed to see Evan's proud grin plastered amongst his face.
"Oops?" Evan laughed and yanked Jonathan inside, closing the balcony door completely. He quickly began to light a fire, and after 5 attempts, he finally succeeded.
"Ya know, if you get to close to those things while lighting 'em, you could burn your eyebrows and eyelash hair right off." Jonathan stated casually taking a seat at the edge of the bed.
"Oh yeah. Like that's gonna happen with these pro skills and industrial grade hair follicles." Evan struck a pose showing off his muscles and running a hand through his thick hair. Jonathan blushed slightly, but began laughing.
"Okay! Don't say I didn't warn you then!" They sat in front of the fire, talking aimlessly for 2 hours until Evan's noise made a loud grumble noise.
"Holy shit dude was that your stomach?" Jonathan began laughing.
"Yeah. I'm fucking starving. Do you wanna check out that restaurant they have?" Jonathan thought for a minute before agreeing.
The two began their walking down to the ground floor, once again, aimlessly talking about whatever had come to mind. They ate an interesting buffet style breakfast and while Evan piled his plate up, he couldn't help but notice that Jonathan had served himself barely anything. He sighed, deciding that that was something Jonathan probably already knew about and didn't wish to put Jonathan in a lower mood than he was in the previous night. He just merely sat watching as Jonathan barely ate anything that he'd served himself, which had been greek yogurt and mixed fruits, which consisted of 2 strawberries, half a banana and 7 grapes.
"I'm full." Evan sadly glanced at Jonathan as he looked back from him to his plate. Jonathan had eaten 1 strawberry, 3 grapes, 2 VERY small bites of the banana and about 3/4 of the greek yogurt.
"Okay. I am too. You ready to go then?" Jonathan simply smiled and nodded his head. The two stood and silently walked back to Evan's room. Jonathan couldn't help but silently appreciate that Evan had decided not to say anything about his eating disorder. He knew that he'd have to tell Evan about it someday, but for now he was thankful that Evan had decided to stay silent. Jonathan couldn't help but notice, however, that same shocked look that he'd seen many times appear on Evan's face when he watched Jonathan eat.
~~
Jonathan sat on the same window ledge outside of his apartment in below freezing weather, just like he always did, except it wasn't Jonathan's normal routine. Jonathan sat twirling his black lighter in his hands as tears were streaming down his face. His cigarette box sat on the table adjacent to Jonathan's shaking, curled body.
He tried, to no avail, to keep his eyes busy from falling upon the beat up black lighter that kept sliding between fingers by trying to watch heavy snow clunk off the pine trees ahead of him. Yet, his eyes always seemed to zone right back in on that stupid lighter. His eyes welled up again. He had been this emotional for 2 days now, dodging calls from Luke and Evan. He kept his door locked, something that frightened Luke as it was always open, but Luke decided that Jonathan was having a rough patch and he'd come around when he was good and ready to.
Jonathan glanced at the now vibrating phone next to his cigarettes. He looked back at the lighter before standing up and answering the call, Paying no attention to the caller ID.
"Hello?" Jonathan's voice was quiet and squeaking from not using it for 2 days. His throat ached from use after being beaten up for 2 days with wailing.
"Hey Jon. Are you okay?" Jonathan sighed, feeling tears well up in his eyes.
"Luke come over please. I need you. Please come quick, Luke. I can't do it." Jonathan's body began racking with sobs. Luke briefly said he was on his way then hung up. Jonathan stood up, feet and hands numb from the cold air, and hobbled inside his cold apartment. He hadn't been inside much to turn the heater on, and when he was inside, he was forcing down a small sip of a protein shake.
Within 2 minutes, Luke had arrived pounding on the door. Jonathan had already unlocked it and sat on the floor by the closed sliding door, body still racking with sobs. Luke tried the handle to find the door swing open. He rushed in calling Jonathan's name a few times before his eyes fell on the small figure. Luke gasped as he looked at Jonathan.
Jonathan had become even skinnier. His extra small shirt had become too large for his small frame. His collar bones had suddenly become a crater in his pale body. Luke was afraid to see what had become of his body underneath the large t-shirt.
"Jon?" Jonathan looked at Luke, dark bags becoming apparent under his dull eyes. Tears welled up and Jonathan's gaze shot back to the window. Luke crouched down and sat opposite to Jonathan, facing him.
"What happened?" Jonathan lifted up the beat up black lighter in front of Luke's face. Luke scrunched his face up at first wondering why Jonathan was crying over a lighter. He looked at Jonathan in confusion.
"My lighter died." Jonathan simply stated.
"So you're crying because your lighter died? Do you want me to run to the gas station to get you a new one?" Jonathan shook his head, more tears streaming down his face.
"Luke it was the last thing Vanessa bought me before she-" Luke launched himself over towards Jonathan's body to attack him in a hug.
"Luke she-I-What do I do?" Jonathan's small body racked with sobs. "I have nothing left of her and it's all because I needed to fucking smoke. Now the only thing I have is a dead fucking lighter with a mile long list of memories! Luke help me please! What do I do?! She's gone and I have nothing left Luke! Help me! I can't do it! I miss her so fucking much, Luke! She knew what to say all the time and now the only thing I had left from her is dead!" Jonathan wailed. Luke didn't even notice he was crying until a tear hit his hand that was wrapped around Jonathan's frame.
Luke looked up, nodding his head and loosening his grip on Jonathan. Jonathan opened his eyes, panic crossing them as Luke's body moved further back.
"I told him not to come." Luke said as he stood up. Evan sat down in his place. Jonathan stared at Evan for a few seconds.
"I'm here for you until the ends of the Earth, darling." Jonathan's face morphed back into sadness as he pushed himself up onto his knees then forward to lean towards Evan, crying into his shoulder. Evan held Jonathan's shaking body tightly, as if he held him any less tight he'd break. Evan sat unfazed by the tiny amount of weight Jonathan was when he plopped in Evan's lap. Evan's fingers ran through Jonathan's soft curly hair as Jonathan once told him that he finds that it calms him down quickly. Soon enough the sobs stopped and Evan sat holding Jonathan's small, cold body. Jonathan pulled away rubbing his face.
Evan took notice as Jonathan's nose went from light pink to a dark shade of pink after he rubbed it. Evan's stomach did another flip and he gulped, finding that saliva felt like razor blades going down his throat. Jonathan chuckled, looking at Evan.
"That was really embarrassing for you to see me have a mental breakdown like that." Jonathan sadly chuckled, eyes peering towards Luke. "Why'd you not make him stay at his hotel. This is so embarrassing."
"Hey, I tried to make him stay, but he was all 'Is that Jon?!' and 'You're gonna have to kill me before I stay here while he's sobbing on the phone.' so I brought him. Blame Evan on that one." Luke held up his hands defensively. "I'll be back. I have to go check on something real fast." Luke slipped out quickly from the cold apartment. Jonathan's dull eyes darted back towards Evan's own.
"Also you'll be with me to the ends of the Earth? That was super gay, even for me, Ev." Jonathan smiled at Evan's now red cheeks, which just made Evan get more flustered. They sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. It just took me by surprise, I guess. I just thought I had moved on enough to not be so upset over something this minuscule. It just really took me by surprise, I suppose. It's embarrassing that you had to see me like that though." Jonathan looked down sighing sadly, his eyebrows furrowing up again.
"Hey, look at me." Jonathan's eyes stayed glued to the floor. Evan softly gripped Jonathan's chin and lifted his head to meet his own stare. "You can get through this. You're strong enough to do this, hell, you're handling this better than I handled my brother dying. Stop doubting yourself just because you broke down. You're allowed to break, Jon. It's not wrong for you to be upset about that. Also, I don't think you should be embarrassed that you broke down in front of me. You're human and it humanlike to cry when something upsets you." Jonathan gave a small smile to Evan.
The two sat there, inches apart for a while, staring at each other. Evan felt his heart rate speed up as Jonathan but his bottom lip, gaze faltering for a few moments before reconnecting to Evan's gaze. Evan suddenly felt a rush of adrenaline flush through his body and he wanted nothing more to do than plant his lips on Jonathan's plump pink ones. Jonathan blushed profusely, jolting back after realizing what just happened. His focus remained glued to the ground as he felt his cheeks heat up even more.
"Uh thanks, Ev." Evan also sat, head down, embarrassed of his failed self control.
"Um, yeah. No problem. Look, I gotta go, but if you need anything or you just need to cry, please call me." Evan stood up before turning towards the door. He couldn't help but feel that Jonathan wanted to kiss him as much as he wanted to kiss Jonathan. Evan closed Jonathan's apartment door and leaned his arms against the railing opposite Jonathan's front door, reeling in his embarrassment. His face contorted into a series of cringes, occasionally muttering how stupid he was.
Jonathan, on the other hand, couldn't help but smile as he touched his lips softly, wishing Evan would've just brought his lips slightly closer. He stood, heading towards the bathroom before he jumped as he heard a mumble outside. His brows furrowed i. wonder as he approached his peephole, to see Evan's back as Evan leaned on the rail. Evan continued mumbling to himself quietly as Jonathan watched on in awe. He was fully entranced by the way Evan was running his hands through his head and occasionally doing a slow 360° while biting his lips in frustration.
Jonathan swallowed hard as he pulled his head away from the peephole and rested his forehead on the door. He knew that the nervousness and everything would be quenched if he just did it. Jonathan took a shaky deep breath deciding that he'd worked up enough courage to just do it. He pulled his head away from the door and opened it. Jonathan stood resting on the doorway biting his lip.
He stared blankly towards the right as he watched Evan wait for the elevator in the distance. Jonathan sighed as leaned backwards to slide his body back into his apartment, becoming sad that he'd missed his chance to kiss Evan for the second time today.
~
word count: 2,172
revised on jul. 29, 2018