~ Luna's POV ~
It's been a week since i told them everything and it's been a good week to be honest, i don't want to say that too loud, but it actually has been pretty okay. They had a talk at my school and made some agreements about me and school. I'm going to try and go to school 3 days a week to limit the sitmulants and the stress, hopefully. They also have a room in the school where you can go to when your overwhelmed or need a break and i'm going to get a pass for that.
There's a really nice coach there who can help you if you're not okay, i believe his name was Tony and i met him once already and i can always go to him if i'm doing bad. I'm still scared to do that because i don't trust him yet, but i'm really glad with these agreements, i really hope this will help me to get through a school week. I'm so grateful for Nick and Charlie helping me with this.
They've been searching for a good therapist too and i have my first appointment next week, her name is Zoey. Nick and Charlie are both going to come with me and i'm so incredibly scared, it's insane.
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It's a new week and i'm going to school again, i've been home last week but now i have to face it again. School. Ivy and i have been messaging each other a lot when i was at home last week. She's so nice and i love our conversations already. I really hope she's a good friend and that i can trust her over time. But for now i'm not letting her in on my mental health stuff yet.
I arrive at school not ready for this at all but here we go anyways. I walk into the school and Ivy almost immediately runs up to me "omg hi girl, i'm so glad you're back! I honestly felt lonely, i have no one here that i like except for you!" Ivy squeals all excited.
I just love her energy, her vibe and she seems so genuine. And i'm glad she likes me. "Sorry girl, did you survive without me?" i chuckle "pff i had to" she sighs jokingly and we laugh while walking to our first lesson together. "So how are you holding up girly?" Ivy asks me and since she does know about my panic attacks and anxiety, i decide to be honest. I need to be honest in order to see if people can be trusted, i need to give it another try.
"My anxiety is through the roof right now, i hate being here, but i have to give it a try" i admit and kinda sigh out while taking a breath. "If it's too much, listen to your body and step out Lun. I'm here for you and i know that i don't know everything that's been going on but if you feel like you can't do it, don't push yourself too much, okay?" Ivy says and she tries to give me a hug but i jump.
I quickly apologise and then i hug her. "But enough about me, i know you're struggling too so how are you doing?" i ask and she immediately looks away "come on we're going to be late" she tries brushing off the conversation and she starts walking to our class but i stop her. "Iv.."
"You can talk to me" i try to comfort her even though i know it's easier said then done. "I feel like school is too much for me too. My anxiety has been so bad ever since school started and even my medications aren't working anymore." she sighs out and now i'm the one hugging her.
"You could always talk to the school to go to school less days a week, like me, so you have more time to recover and relax from the anxiety days at school. And maybe you could get a pass to always leave the classroom and then you can go and talk to Tony, he seems okay. Take your own advice too girly; if you feel like you can't do it, don't push yourself too much." i comfort her and she seems to relax by my advice.
This feels weird, having a friend open up to me and me giving her advice. This is all so new for me.
"Do you still have a therapist?" i ask Ivy, not knowing if i'm crossing a line here or not. "No it stopped a while ago because my treatment was done" "maybe you can start again? Maybe a therapist can help you manage it and maybe try different medications or something?" i suggest and she smiles "hmm yeah maybe"
We were both deep in our conversation that we didn't hear the bell ring and we're officially late for class. We decide to skip it and hangout in the cafetaria together until our next lesson.
We're just talking, laughing and getting to know each other. We're having so much fun and we realise we have a lot of the same interests, it's just so nice to have someone with you to make you laugh. It makes life a whole lot easier.
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It's the end of the schoolday and i'm absolutely exhausted. I'm waiting for Charlie to pick me up and i didn't even realise he's next to me, i'm so out of it. "Hey Luna, are you ready to go hun?" he asks me and that snaps me out of my thoughts. "Wha- uhmm- y-yeah" i respond a little confused on how he was next to me all of the sudden.
We drive home and the drive is silent, a nice, comfortable silence. My head hurts so much and i'm exhausted so i love the silent car ride.
When we arrive home i go straight to my room and fall onto my bed. Today was rough, school in general is rough. I'm exhausted.
Before i know it i jolt awake from a knock on my bedroom door "yeah" i reply while trying to wake up. Apparently i fell asleep for some time. Charlie enters my room "i'm sorry i didn't mean to wake you up, dinner is ready when you are" "it's okay, i'll be down in a sec" i say sitting up, trying to feel more awake.
When i come downstairs to eat Nick and Charlie both look at me and i'm confused. They look like they're disappointed in me or something. My stomach turns and i feel nerves through my whole body. "Why are you guys looking at me like this? You're stressing me out" i admit, needing answers right now.
"Why did you skip two lessons today? You know you have a pass, was something wrong?" Charlie asks me while i sit down at the table, i relax a little bit because i expected way worse and i expected yelling. "Ivy and i checked up on each other and we just got into a deep conversation about our anxiety, and then we were already late for class so we decided to hang out in the cafetaria, to get to know each other more and just relax a little bit while talking, i'm really really sorry."
"No apologising" Nick smiles at me and i giggle a little bit remembering that they said the word sorry is banned. "It's good to take time with friends to get to know them and talk about your struggles together. I'm proud of you for telling Ivy about your anxiety, one step at a time and she will gain your trust honey" Nick says to me while hugging me and i feel so relieved that they're not mad at me, i'm trying so hard to get used to not having fights about literally everything.
We eat our dinner in silence and then i go back to my room, laying down on my bed. I can feel myself starting to overthink and spiral about my first therapy session tomorrow. My chest tightens, i sit up right away and suddenly i can't breathe.
I know i can't calm myself down and i know i should ask for help but my mind screams for me to grab my blade out of my nightstand drawer. I really don't want too, i really want to try and fight it. When a moment of clarity hits me i decide to go downstairs and ask for help.
This is the biggest step for me ever, i've never done this before and i'm scared but i know i can trust them. And in order for them to be able to show that to me, i need to do this.
I go downstairs and enter the living room kinda panicked. Nick and Charlie both look at me and immediately run over to me when they see my tears falling. "What's wrong?" Nick asks me while wiping away my tears, which is useless because they keep falling.
"i-i- an-anxi-ety" i try to talk but it's hard, my breathing is so shallow. "Hey Lun look at me, in through your nose, out through your mouth, in for 4, out for 6. Let's do it together okay?" Nick asks me and i slightly nod my head, trying to focus on him the best i can.
After some breathing i sink down to the floor, feeling too exhausted to keep myself up. I fall into Charlie's arms crying and he hugs me tightly. "What were you thinking about?" he asks me and i try to respond while sobbing "t-th-e-ra-py."
The feeling of wanting something sharp against me, isn't gone still and i hate it, i don't know how to get rid of it except for letting it win. I clench my hands into fists, digging my nails into my hands and it feels good.
"Is there something in particular you're the most scared about, or just everything?" Nick asks me and i really don't know an answer to his question. "j-just e-every-thing."
"Remember that we're coming with you, until you feel a 100% comfortable and safe to do it on your own, we're not leaving you alone. We can help you when you shut down and if it helps you we could write stuff down together and bring it with us to help you talk about everything?" Nick suggest and i immediately relax more. They have the best things ready to help me and i love it. "G-good i-idea" i smile and we start making a list together.
Later that night we're finished and i go to bed feeling much more relaxed then before. But still, this therapy session is going to be so incredibly difficult, i hate it.