Feliciano was breathless by the time he reached town. He barrelled through the front door of the Cantina Verde, ignoring the derisive stares of the wait staff. He headed for the back room, but Lovino stood before the slightly open door and grabbed Feliciano to stop him running in. "Where the hell have you been, I had to lie to Grandpa... have you been crying?"
Feliciano whispered urgently. "I have to talk to Grandpa, the Americans are here."
Lovino looked at him blankly. "How can you know..." His eyes widened in understanding. "You were with him," he said accusingly.
"I didn't tell him anything, Lovino! I just wanted to see him, I..."
"Shut up, Feliciano, I want to listen to this. We will talk later." Lovino's words were a threat. Feliciano forced himself to stay quiet and listen through the door to Grandpa Roma and Antonio speaking in the next room.
"Perhaps it is not who you are thinking," said Roma. "Perhaps this is a common German name."
"It's not that common." Antonio sighed deeply. "I can't believe this. Of all the damn places the Germans are fighting in the world right now."
"You were friends with this German?"
"With his brother. We knew each other for years, we were even going to start university together in England; us and a French friend of ours. But then the war broke out and they both joined the military. I've tried to keep track of them over the years, but it's been difficult, even for me. My French friend is a Captain in the French Intelligence and basically untraceable. And the last I heard about the German there had been some sort of scandal with an Austrian musician and he was sentenced to a punitive unit on the Eastern front. He's probably dead by now."
"And his brother is on this list."
"That's right. The last time I saw him he was just a kid, quiet and plane-mad and already built like a tank. But he's one of the most honourable, decent people I've ever met." Feliciano smiled sadly to himself. So Antonio understood that the Germans were human beings. His friend's brother even sounded like Ludwig.
Roma paused for a moment. "Antonio, I hope you know..."
Antonio did not let him finish. "It's a shame, but there is nothing to be done. I know who my loyalty is to."
"Your loyalty. I must admit that I've been wondering lately, Antonio, if perhaps my grandson has anything to do with that."
The room fell silent. Feliciano looked at Lovino, who was just stared blankly, wide eyed, at the door. Antonio finally responded. "Roma..."
"I am not stupid, Antonio. It has been quite obvious for a long time now that you have feelings for Lovino. Too obvious."
Lovino's eyes grew wider and he reached out and clutched the door frame. Feliciano tried to think of something to say. "Lovino..."
"Shut up," Lovino whispered.
"Roma," said Antonio again. "You know I would never..."
"I have nothing against your preferences, my friend, as far as I am concerned each man's personal business is his own. But you can be quite oblivious to things at times so I will spell this out. Lovino obviously does not return your feelings. You need to accept that, and let it go." Lovino closed his eyes and leant his forehead against the doorframe. "I am sorry, this is not what we were talking about. I just felt it needed to be said."
"Fair enough. And I feel it needs to be said that my loyalty has always been to a free Italy and to any group that opposes the German fascist movement. Do not forget what brought me here, Roma, or the reasons I choose to risk my life for a country that is not my own. And none of my personal relationships have anything to do with that - not my former friendships with German officers or my feelings towards your grandson. And while we are on the subject, Lovino is a grown man, capable of making his own decisions. As is Feliciano. They are not the children you treat them as."
Feliciano stifled a gasp. Lovino looked just as shocked as himself. People did not speak to Grandpa Roma like that. He waited anxiously for Roma's response. There was none. Instead Antonio kept speaking.
"But you are right, Roma. This is not what we were talking about. In regards to the current plans, let us hope this stupid American blunder will not upset things too badly. It looks as though our best opportunity is still on Wednesday morning, but you can talk more about that during the meeting. Feliciano, Lovino, are you going to come in or are you going to stand listening outside the door all morning?"
Feliciano and Lovino looked at each other in brief surprise before Lovino composed himself and pushed through the door. "Don't go acting clever, bastard, I only just got here ten seconds ago. Oh, and in case you were interested, apparently the first Mustangs have flown over. I thought they weren't due until Wednesday." Lovino swung himself onto a table, too obviously trying to avoid looking in Antonio's direction. Antonio gave him a quick smile before running an exhausted hand through his hair and turning away.
Feliciano slowly followed Lovino into the room, slightly puzzled. He was sure he hadn't mentioned anything about the Mustangs... Roma turned his unreadable glare from Antonio and smiled cheerfully, leaning back in his seat behind his makeshift desk. Neither he or Antonio looked like they had slept in days.
"Good morning, boys! Yes, Lovino, it looks like we can rely upon the Americans to mess up our plans before they even begin."
"But... what... have the Americans landed?" asked Feliciano, shocked and confused. "Did you know they were landing? What are they doing here? What does it mean?"
"The main force hasn't landed yet," said Antonio. "Roma will explain everything in the meeting."
"Feliciano doesn't know about these things," said Roma, looking pointedly at Antonio. "He should not have to know about these things." Roma dropped a handful of papers onto the desk. "In fact, Feliciano, why don't you head to the market this morning?"
Feliciano shook his head insistently and took a step backwards, slightly panicked that Roma would force him to leave. He had to hear this, had to hear about these plans involving planes and landings and Americans. Had to hear what they meant for him and Ludwig. "No, I think I'll stay for the meeting today, Grandpa."
Roma looked uncertain. "I don't think that's a good idea. You remember how upset our talk last night made you."
"I want to hear." Feliciano lifted his chin defiantly, even as he took another step backwards. He did not want to fight for this. "I won't get upset. Honestly. I'm not a child, Grandpa, I have a right to hear what you're planning and besides, I'll be fine, I promise I will."
Roma stood and Feliciano's heart dropped. "Look, Feli..."
Antonio scoffed loudly and folded his arms. "So it's fine for Feliciano to risk his life bringing us this information and yet he's not allowed to hear how we are going to use it?"
Roma looked almost murderous as he glared over his desk at Antonio. "Don't you dare tell me how to speak to my grandson, Antonio. This is none of your business."
"Feli," said Lovino softly. "Maybe Grandpa's right. You don't have to hear this." Feliciano turned to him suspiciously. Lovino had never suggested he leave a meeting before.
At that moment three resistance members walked through the door and greeted Roma loudly. Feliciano took advantage of the distraction to head towards the back of the room and take a seat. His stomach felt sick, his head was pounding, his hands were shaking. He had never felt so nervous in his life. But nothing could make him leave. Thankfully Roma soon became too busy talking to the new arrivals to pay him much attention. Others soon joined them and the room filled quickly, everyone loud and talkative and oddly cheerful. Lovino occasionally turned and gave him a concerned glance, but Feliciano ignored everyone. His mind was somewhere else. He could still feel Ludwig's arms around him, his lips against his, could still feel him and smell him and hear the pain in his voice when he said goodbye. Feliciano swallowed the lump in his throat. He sat hoping and praying and thinking of nothing but Ludwig. He sat waiting to hear what those devastating American planes really meant.
Grandpa Roma's first words of the meeting blended together, the usual talk of German movements and estimates and vigilance and things Feliciano never quite understood. It was when he mentioned the Americans that Feliciano really started listening.
"So, some of you may have noticed the Mustangs flying over town this morning." Roma's words were met by murmurs of assent and curiosity. Feliciano's pulse sped up. "Well, we're betting the Germans will have noticed, too. This was obviously not expected. It seems a group of American pilots on a scouting mission flew well off course and one of them, some cocky young Lieutenant apparently, thought it would be a laugh to drop a small explosive in an empty field." Roma pulled a map down from a hook on the wall. A few people leant forward to see it better. "The explosion occurred right..." Roma pointed on the map. "...here. Only a few miles from the German airbase."
"What does that mean for the assault on Wednesday?" asked one of the men. Feliciano's ears burned and his stomach jumped. Assault... "Wasn't it supposed to be a surprise attack?"
"It means the Germans have a tipoff about Americans scouting the area." Roma started to pace the room as he spoke, his words booming as usual and commanding the room's attention. "We need to work quickly to fix this stupid American mistake. The Germans can not know about the landings. The Americans are relying upon the element of surprise. We need to ensure they still have it. Silvano, we need you to get on the German's radio frequency and broadcast a false report. I'll give you the details in a moment. And Matteo, Antonio will give you misleading information to pass directly to the upper command levels convincing them the Americans are too held up in France to launch an assault here." Roma paused and surveyed the room. Feliciano tried to shrink from his gaze. "Convincing the Germans that the Americans are not attacking is of vital importance to our entire mission. If they know about the landing, everything we have worked for these last months will be for nothing."
Feliciano balked at the words, panic rising in his throat. He could not quite understand everything Roma spoke of, and wanted desperately to ask for clarification, but did not dare draw attention to himself. He twisted his fingers together nervously and listened anxiously, hanging on Roma's every word.
"Providing that everything goes to plan and the Germans remain unaware of the impending invasion, the rest of our plan should work perfectly as intended. A meeting has been arranged for the day after tomorrow - the day of the landing. Antonio has agents working to make sure this meeting still takes place. Thanks to my little Feliciano, we were able to acquire this information for the Americans." Roma held up a sheet of paper. Feliciano stared at it, feeling sick, feeling shattered. He knew immediately where that paper must have come from - the envelope he had been given in the German café. "This is a list of the most important men of the Luftwaffe in this area. These men are all top priority targets: high ranking officers, officers set for promotion, and their very best pilots. They must be taken out immediately in preparation for the American's aerial attack on the German military bases in Italy. All of the men on this list will be in attendance at the meeting on Wednesday morning."
Roma dropped the list on the desk and continued to pace the room. The paper drew Feliciano's eyes like a magnet. Grandpa Roma's words faded into the background and suddenly that paper was the only thing that existed. Barely thinking, Feliciano got to his feet and slowly made his way towards the desk. He felt like he was walking in a dream; his blood rushing in his ears, his mind frozen because he could not acknowledge what he was thinking. When he finally reached the desk Feliciano looked down at the papers strewn across it. One stood out, on the top of the pile, the words 'Target: Airfield' scrawled across the top. A list of names ran the length of the page and Feliciano read through them, refusing to admit to himself what he was looking for, even as his skin burned and a sick feeling of dread ran through his veins. The list of Lieutenants and Captains and Colonels started to run together. And then he stopped. Everything stopped. Feliciano fell apart, felt his heart falter, felt himself break. The whole world closed in around him until there was nothing but that piece of paper, that list, those letters, and those three words they spelled.
Lieutenant Ludwig Beilschmidt.
Feliciano stared at the words until they blurred too much for him to see. When he finally looked up, confused and stunned and broken, the first thing he saw was Lovino, staring back, a look of uneasy apprehension on his face. Lovino's eyes darted to the list on the desk, over to Grandpa Roma, and finally back at Feliciano before widening in dismayed understanding. Lovino put his hand to his mouth, horrified. Feliciano did not know what to do. He could scarcely comprehend how he felt. He put his hands on the desk, leant forward, and Grandpa Roma's speech started to make sense again...
"We've managed to get the time and location through to the Americans. They will land in force, early, entirely without warning. Their first target is the German airfield." Feliciano's hands blurred before him as his Grandpa kept speaking, those words cutting into him, finally falling into place, making heartbreaking sense, slicing his heart to pieces. "Their objective is to take down the men at that meeting, and as many enemy aircraft and pilots as possible. Taken by surprise, most of the pilots should be killed before they reach their aircraft. This should see the destruction of the German air presence in this area..."
"NO!" The word was ripped from him, loud and terrified and devastated, before Feliciano could stop it. He slammed his hand over his mouth but it was too late. The entire room stared at him in shocked silence.
"Feliciano?" asked Roma finally, alarmed.
"I don't... I can't..." Feliciano's hands shook, his gut wrenched, his mind refused to work properly. "I mean... I mean..." He glanced dazedly around the room, the accusing silence confusing and terrifying him. Roma turned a concerned step towards him. Antonio looked just as worried. Lovino shook his head, glaring intensely; his face held a warning, deadly serious, almost pleading. Feliciano swallowed past the fear choking his throat. His eyes flicked to the exit and back. "I have to go." He ran for the door. Lovino reached it first, blocking the exit.
"You're not going anywhere," said Lovino firmly.
"Let me leave, Lovino!" Feliciano cried, trying to push past. Lovino grabbed his arms and held him back.
"No!"
"PLEASE!" Feliciano screamed, trying desperately to break free from Lovino's grasp.
"God damn it, I knew this would happen!"
"Stop!" shouted Roma. Feliciano could not help but freeze at the command. "What the hell is going on?"
Heart pounding, head spinning, Feliciano looked up at Lovino pleadingly. "Please," he whispered. "Don't tell him."
"Lovino? Feliciano?" Roma's voice was worried. The room erupted in low mutters, soft murmurs of confusion and curiosity.
Feliciano's pulse thrummed in his throat. The room started to spin. Ludwig... he had to get to Ludwig... "I won't tell Ludwig about the landing, I promise I won't, I just... I just have to see him, Lovino, I need..." Feliciano's breath came too fast for him to keep whispering.
"It's nothing, Grandpa," said Lovino loudly. His eyes were conflicted. He whispered. "Do you even know where their base is?"
Feliciano's heart dropped and his skin turned cold. "No..."
Lovino sighed in relief and loosened his grip. "Don't be stupid, Feliciano. You don't even know where you're going. There is nothing you can do."
Feliciano was going to scream. He was going to break. His legs were weak. The noise and light of the cantina were like shards of glass through his skull. The ground beneath him swayed unsteadily. The Americans were landing, were bombing the airbase. And he had no way of reaching Ludwig... no way of warning him. No way of saying goodbye. A sickening panic suffocated his lungs. "Lovino," he choked out, suddenly unable to see, to think, to breathe. "Lovino, help..." Feliciano stumbled, fell to the floor, and rested his head on the cool ground. Almost immediately he heard Grandpa Roma's voice speak beside him.
"You're all right, Feli. You know you have to breathe. Just breathe." Feliciano felt Roma's hand smoothing his forehead. "Everything is all right, you just overexcited yourself again. Now sit up." Roma pulled him upright and Feliciano clutched his chest. The room and everyone in it seemed cold and condemning. Roma glared at Antonio. "Do you see? This is why I don't want him hearing these things!"
Feliciano stared up at Lovino, silently begging him. Lovino's eyes softened and he immediately dropped to his knees, placed an arm around Feliciano and along with Roma helped him to his feet. Feliciano leant into Lovino gratefully and tried to hide his face from the stares of the crowded room.
"He's tired, Grandpa. He has been working hard. I'll take him home."
.
Feliciano lay on his bed, staring at his bedroom ceiling. Grandpa Roma's words spun in an endless loop around his head, hammering into him, breaking his world into pieces. The morning after tomorrow. If Ludwig did not meet him tomorrow, Feliciano would never see him again. He barely even felt Lovino's hand in his as his brother sat beside him on the floor. The room was too dark for mid-afternoon, the storm overhead almost ready to break. Thunder rolled so heavily the walls almost seemed to tremble. For the first time in his life, Feliciano was not afraid of it.
"You didn't tell Grandpa," said Feliciano softly.
"No," replied Lovino. "You really love this German."
"Yes." Sometimes, they didn't need to ask the questions
"Would you have told him about the attack?" Feliciano didn't answer. "Feli, he is our enemy. He fights to control us, to take our country from us."
Feliciano shook his head slightly. "No. He fights because his country tells him to, and he loves his country. He's a good man, Lovino."
"He's a German."
"Do you know, despite what you and Grandpa think, it is possible to be both." Lovino did not respond, but squeezed Feliciano's hand in understanding. Thunder punctuated the silence. "What if Antonio was your enemy?" asked Feliciano finally. "Wouldn't you still love him?"
"I don't love Antonio." Lovino said it too quickly.
"Yes, you do."
Lovino ran his thumb over Feliciano's palm, then lay his head down on his arm. His next words were so quiet Feliciano had to strain to hear them. "Antonio is going to die soon."
Feliciano turned his head sharply towards Lovino, shocked and alarmed. "What do you mean?"
"You know what he does, don't you?"
"Yes. He gives us information. About the Germans."
"Exactly. Don't you see how dangerous that is? Antonio is one of the German's most wanted men in this country. In Europe. One day they'll get him. They will torture him for what he knows, and they will kill him. He knows it. Everyone knows it. It is only a matter of time."
"But Antonio is clever, he's..."
"No, he's not. Because he won't stop." Lovino almost sounded angry. "He won't stop doing what he does and every day he moves another step closer to the Gestapo."
Feliciano's mouth fell open and he nearly gasped. "That's why you don't want to love him. Because you don't want to be hurt!"
Lovino laughed humourlessly. "It's not that simple."
"It is, though. It is also very selfish. You love him, but you are scared of something bad happening, and you're scared of having something to lose. But we never know what is going to happen, and we always have something to lose. I know you're scared, Lovino. You are scared of taking the risk. But let me tell you something..." Feliciano thought of those few beautiful afternoons with Ludwig, those glorious fleeting hours, the smiles and words and brushes of the hand; of those few stunning, shattering kisses, that all too brief and wonderful declaration under the oak tree. Then he thought of the very real possibility, the probability, that he would never see Ludwig again. That he would lose him, and the pain of it would be uncontrollable, overwhelming, consuming. And yet... "Some things are worth the risk after all."
Lovino lifted his head slowly and stared at Feliciano like he was seeing him for the first time. He smiled softly. "When did you become the wise one, Feli?"
Feliciano smiled back. "I've always been the wise one."
Lovino let out a deep breath and looked up at the window, his eyes shining. Feliciano could hear the wind rattling the glass. "When were you supposed to meet your German next?"
"He meets me every day by the oak tree. But with everything happening, the attack this morning, he probably won't be there tomorrow."
"You heard this morning, that wasn't an attack, the Americans were on a scouting mission. Those Mustangs are far away by now, the proper landing is still a few days off, and as far as the Germans think, the Americans aren't even landing at all." Feliciano gasped in understanding. Lovino was right. With the Americans gone, there was actually nothing to stop Ludwig from meeting him the same as he did every day. Feliciano's heart started hammering. "So, Feli. Go meet him tomorrow." Feliciano looked at Lovino in shock.
"You'd... you would let me go to him?"
Lovino touched his forehead to Feliciano's hand. "Yes. Go say goodbye."
Feliciano's heart immediately fell again. Yes, Ludwig would be able to meet him tomorrow. But it would be the last time. Feliciano squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "No, I can't." The Americans would attack the day after. Feliciano had heard it all earlier. They would attack during the German's meeting, destroy the airbase and the officers present. But if Feliciano warned Ludwig, he would be a traitor. How could he see him knowing it was the last time? "I can't... I just..."
"Feli..."
The tears came and Feliciano did not try to stop them. "I don't want to say goodbye, Lovino! I just want to be with him! I never thought I could feel the way I feel when I'm with him. If you only knew how wonderful he is. He likes to listen to me, he doesn't think I'm annoying or that I talk too much, he likes my singing and he's so kind, and so shy, even though he looks so strong. He has a brother and a grandpa, just like us. He is so good and honest and... and he's everything." Feliciano wiped angrily at his tears. "So why did I have to meet him like this? Why did he have to be an enemy? Why can't I just be with him? Why..." Feliciano did not know how to express the angry grief that flooded him. He wanted to break something, to fall to the floor, to scream. "Oh God, why, Lovino? It's not fair. It's just not fair!"
"I know. It's not fair. But nothing in war is fair." Lovino broke off and took a deep, shuddering breath. "This wasn't supposed to happen to you, Feli. But at least you have a chance to say goodbye."
Feliciano felt his chest crushed by Lovino's words. That wasn't enough. How was that supposed to be enough?
"And Feliciano, one more thing." At the tone in Lovino's voice, Feliciano turned his head and looked straight into his brother's eyes. He shivered at the look he found there. The room suddenly seemed even darker. "My little brother. I love you with my life. But if you betray us... if you betray Italy... I will kill you."