CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Growing older, I've understood that losing my way is a vital part of the journey. Each time it happens, I uncover elements of myself perched at the brink of the unfamiliar. Kung saan ba talaga lulugar. Kung ano talaga ako. 'Yong totoong ako.
In my efforts to regain my bearings, I consistently discover a deeper appreciation for myself amidst moments of solitude and emptiness. Magisa lang ako. Wala si Mama. Walang Ate Kissha. Walang Papa. . .pero kung nandito si Papa, mararamdaman ko iyon, pero wala siya.
Wala na siya.
Being lost is a beautiful space for self-discovery. Often, we misconstrue these paths, feeling like we're not where we want to be. However, these roads are designed to mold us, imparting lessons through pain, hardship, and struggle, shaping us into a stronger version equipped with courage and resilience. It's in the journey of getting lost and finding your way that your true story begins.
Pero. . .hanggang saan ko kakayanin? Hanggang kailan ko pagtitiisin? Hanggang kailan ko kikimkimin?
Hindi ko alam kung paano ako tumigil sa kakaiyak kanina. Iyak na akong iyak kanina pagkagising ko. Natataranta na sila hindi alam kung paano ako patatahanin.
"Wife, take good care of yourself," the doctor, newly arrived, advised. "It's fortunate that your child has a strong attachment. Avoid stress, eat nutritious food. Your pregnancy is delicate; it's one month."
I listened quietly, nodding to every instruction. Kenzo assured the doctor he would note down all the orders to ensure nothing was forgotten, promising to keep me informed.
"Number one... Eat fruits and vegetables. Number two, avoid stress," Kenzo whispered as he tapped away on his phone.
I chuckled, shaking my head. He truly aimed to be a father to my son, diligently embracing the responsibilities even though he wasn't the biological father.
Nang matapos akong kausapin ng Doctor ko ay nagpaalam na ito hinatid ni Kenzo hanggang sa pintuan. Akmang uupo na sana siya sa tabi ko nang bigla ko siyang suntukin sa braso nito.
"Hoy! Ipapaalala ko lang, hindi ikaw ang ama nito!" Natatawang sabi ko.
Napangiwi si Kenzo dahil sa palo ko. "Hoy ka rin! Ipapaalala ko lang din na. . . Ako tatayong tatay niyan hangga't 'di mo sinasabi sa totoong tatay 'yang nasa tiyan mo,"
Aba, tumatapang ang bata ko.
"Kina-career mo pagiging tito mo, ah!" Pabirong saad ko.
"Tito Kenzo," anas ko. "Pangalan pa lang, mukhang tae na,"
"Hoy, Alyzza Felix Tiangco! Your son will call me Dada!" He declared, crossing his chest. "Then Mommy will call you for a happy family."
I found myself surrounded by his words! Was he serious? It seemed like he was really committed to this playful idea!
"Puta ka! Ano'ng happy family ka d'yan, gusto ko masuka sa mga pinagsasabi mo, Zorence Kent!"
Natatawang sabi ko sa kaniya. Sobrang nagpapasalamat ko sa kaniya, sa totoo lang sobrang laki ng tulong na ginagawa niya sa amin mag-ina. Kahit hindi pa lumalabas ang anak ko, ramdam na ramdam ko ang care ni Kenzo. Until now, hindi pa alam nina Erica at Shainny tungkol sa pinagbubuntis ko.
Hindi ako handa. Ayoko. Nabanggit ni Kenzo noong nagtanong sila kung ano'ng meron? Buntis ba ako? Bakit dinugo ako? Nagdahilan na lang daw si Kenzo na sobrang stress at mali ang nainom kong pills kaya naging masama ang epekto.
Hindi ko alam kung maniniwala sila. Basta. Gusto ko itago muna sa kanila. Sasabihin ko rin sa kanila, h'wag lang ngayon.
Nang makauwi na kami ay todo bilin si Kenzo sa mga sinabi ng doctor sa akin.
"Kumain ka ng gulay at prutas. Maawa ka sa magiging inaanak ko," anas ni Kenzo. "Nagtimpla na rin akong gatas, inumin mo pagkatapos kumain,"
"Oo na. Daming satsat," mataray kong sabi.
Isang buwan na rin nakalipas simulang ng may nangyari hindi masama sa amin ng anak ko. Simulang nangyari iyon, kahit nasa school ako ay todo text siya sa akin.
Kenzo:
Dinala mo ba ang gatas na tinimpla ko? Naka tumbler iyon.
Kenzo:
Kumain ka d'yan, kingina mo!
Kenzo:
Bawal magpa-stress. Iwasan kung kinakailangan, ugok ka.
Sunod-sunod ang text niya. Halos same lang ang lunch-break na'ming dalawa. Kung mababasa ng ibang tao ang texts niya, pagkakamalan kaming mag-jowa! Tangina, yuck! H'wag please.
Me:
Oo dinala ko. Thanks mwaps!!!
Me:
Jusko, tapos na. Pait ng mga gulay. 'di ko bet
Me:
Kung ayaw mo ma-stress ako, tigilan mo ako bhie, kimi HA-HA
I replied him. Tangina niya talaga. Bantay sarado kami sa kaniya. Dapat ganito ang kainin ko. Dapat ito tamang pagkain. Dapat may prutas sa tabi. Dapat bago umalis ng bahay, iinom ng gatas. Dapat bago matulog, uminom ng gatas, para malusog ang bata. Ang daming dapat, pero kailangan sundin.
To others, it might seem like an overreaction, but perhaps he's haunted by the fear of a repeat. His anxiety and trepidation were unmistakable. I could read in his eyes the regret for what had transpired before, a silent plea for understanding. Kaya hindi ko siya masisisi, e.
"Hoy, babaita! Nakita ko ang love of my life mo!" Malayo pa lang rinig na rinig ko na boses ni Shainny, tumatakbo. "Ang sarap niya, gago!"
"Kita ko rin ang honey mo," ganti ko sa kaniya.
In the midst of a seemingly insignificant misunderstanding, emotions erupted like a dormant volcano. Our sensitivities clashed, triggering an unexpected explosion, fueled, perhaps, by the lingering echoes of what transpired with Papa. We pleaded for forgiveness, but the weight of the moment lingered. The air hung heavy with unspoken words, a turbulent atmosphere that I found difficult to endure. The prolonged tension became unbearable, prompting a realization—I couldn't let this feud persist any longer. It was time to douse the flames, mend the wounds, and embrace the healing balm of forgiveness.
Pagkarating na pagkarating nila ay hanggang kinuha ni Shainny ang dala-dala kong tumbler.
"Painom, bhie! Uhaw na ako," hingal na hingal siya.
I can't breathe anymore because she's been drinking. I bit my lower lip because I knew what was on her mind. After drinking, he gave me a big grin and a playful face.
"Shala, iba din si baby Lyzza!" nakangising saad ni Shainny.
Naguguluhan tumingin si Erica kay Shainny.
"Uminom ka rito, dali, malalaman mo ang sagot,"
Dali-dali naman binigay ni Shainny ang tumbler ko kay Erica. Tangina, nakakainis sila! Ano'ng gagawin ko, pagti-tripan na naman nila ako. Parang gusto ko na lang magkaaway kami para kahit papaano umayos ang buhay ko!
Dahan-dahan binaba ni Erica ang pinaginom niya mula sa labi nito. Nakangisi nakatingin ang dalawa ko.
"Aba, nagiba ka na, Lyy," pabirong pahda-drama ni Erica. "Nasaan na ang kaibigan na'ming tanga, inutil, maangas at pala-mura,"
I shot them a disapproving look, but it seemed to roll off them like water off a duck's back. No fear registered in their demeanor. Instead of backing down, Shainny joined the absurdity, teasing and laughing in response to Erica's words. The atmosphere, instead of calming, embraced the chaos with contagious laughter, leaving me in disbelief at their resilience to my attempts at sternness.
"Ba't ibang gatas ngayon iniinom ni Lyy? Akala ko ba, gatas lang ni Kerson ang iinumin niya,"
Putangina! Gusto ko manakit! Nagdidilim ang panangin ko. Gusto ko muna sila kalimutan na kaibigan ko sila, kahit ngayon lang para makaganti lang.
"Syempre, na-miss ni Lyy, ang gatas ni Kerson, kung ako rin magpapagatas ako kay Kerson, sa gwapo niya, eh!" Tili naman ni Erica.
"Same. Gatasan mo ako Kerson, please. . ." Nagbirong umungol si Shainny sabay tirik ang mata.
"Gatas ni Kerson, sapat na. Bagong quote ni Lyy ngayon!" Shainny's words echoed with a playful tone, turning the phrase into a new catchphrase for the moment.
Gatas ni Kerson, sapat na? Jusko, kung alam niyo lang nang dahil sa gatas ni Kerson, he'to busog akong Nine months!
"Ang sagwa niyo na! Mahiya kayo," nahihiya na tugon.
Halos mamula na ang mukha ko dahil aa pinagsasabi nila. Sobrang pula na ako. Ang issue nila, gatas lang naman, eh! Bakit napunta kay Kerson? Ang gago talaga nila.
Nagaya na umuwi sina Shainny kaya naghiwalay na ang daan na'min. Anong oras na rin, madilim na rin sa labas. Wala na akong balita kay Kerson. Zack. Faulkerson. O, basta ang tatay ng anak ko. Hindi rin siya nagpaparamdam sa akin. Pero minsan, parang may sumusunod sa akin na van tuwing uuwi ako. Pero hindi ko alam kung siya ba 'yon o hindi. Ayoko mag-assume, graduate na ako r'yan. Tapos na ako roon.
Me:
Can we talk? Kahit hindi ngayon. Bago ka sana umalis.
Maybe, this time, tama na. I might be able to leave him. He is also distancing himself from me.
Sana kayanin ko na wala siya.
I was about to slide it back into my skirt's pocket when my phone vibrated, and suddenly, my heart raced. Its beats felt like they were trying to break free, a sensation I only experienced with him. In that moment, it was as if there was no one else. Damn it, he had hit me hard!
Zack:
Okie. Sky Garden ako now. favorite mo 'yon,
I smiled widely while reading his message. Simple lang pero lakas makababae. Ang angas ko sa iba pero tiklop ako kay Kerson.
Me:
Sige. Otw na. Commute lang ako.
I replied at him.
Zack:
Take care of yourself.
Hindi na ako nagdalawang isip pa pumunta roon. Nag-tricycle na lang ako kasi sobrang haba ng pila sa terminal ng jeep papunta roon. A few minutes ago, I arrived at the place he said.
On the first floor, I could feel the noise on the rooftop. Looks like there's a band playing today. Kinakabahan ako. Sobrang lakas ng kabog puso ko dahil mahigit isang buwan ko siya hindi nakita. At ang huling kita ay magkaaway pa kami. Pinagtabuyan pa ako.
Okay lang. . .mahal ko, eh.
Pagakyat ko sa rooftop na favorite place na'ming dalawa ay bigla ako naninigas sa kinatatayuan ko. Gusto ko umalis. Gusto ko maglaho na para bang bula. Nagsisisi ako kung bakit nagpumilit ako pumunta ngayon dito. Hindi ko kaya.
I smiled at him as Kerson playfully linked arms with my talented sister, Ate Kissha Jane Tiangco. She's my favorite sister. While Kerson serenaded me with a song, noong araw, pinapanood na'min ang citylights nu'ng nasa Manila kami. A tear trickled down my cheek, a mix of joy and a twinge in my chest as I observed them, carefree and happy, completely lost in the moment.
"Tangina. . ." I whispered. "Talo na naman ako kay Ate,"
Nang matapos na sila ay agad ko pinuntahan si Kerson kahit dikit na dikit si Ate Kissha kay Kerson. Pagkalapit ko sa pwesto nila ay nginitian ko pa rin siya tila wala akong nakita at hindi nasaktan.
That's what I'm good at, I'm good at pretending that everything is okay.
Pumilit pa rin ako ngumiti sa kaniya. Sinubukan ko talaga ngumiti sa kaniya. . .kanila. Saya niyong tignan! Ang saya saya nila habang ako nasasaktan harap-harapan.
"Zack," I called him.
Binalingan niya ako nang malamig na tingin. Where's my Kerson? Hindi siya 'to, hindi kayang gawin sa akin 'to!
"Hi, Alyzza. . ." Faulkerson greeted me.
Tumungin muna ito sa kasama niya, Ate Kissha. "Bitawan mo na ako Kissha, usap muna kami,"
Hindi ko binalinganng tingin ang magaling kong Ate. Dahan-dahan binaba ni Kissha ang kamay nakapulupot sa braso ni Kerson. Walang pasabi na umalis si Kerson sa harapan ko at tuloy-tuloy lang ito naglakad papunta malayo sa ingay. I smiled painfully. Deserve ko 'to! Kasalanan ko, eh.
Konting tiis lang, Lyzza.
Kerson and I sat in silence, gazing at the moon and stars. No words were exchanged; we simply immersed ourselves in the cosmic display. I smiled inwardly, recognizing the vast distance that had grown between us.
Piecing everything back together proved challenging. Memories seemed elusive, reluctant to resurface. It's difficult—no matter how earnestly we strive, perhaps that's the limit. I confess, I lost the game. I lost it. I lost in the game of love. I developed feelings for the person naging fubu ko. Yet, I still ended up pregnant.
"How are you?" He suddenly asked, still watching the sky.
"I'm okay, I guess," I laughed softly. "You, how are you? It's been a long time since you've shown up,"
"Fully healed. I'm totally fine now," he said gently
I smiled at him. Wala akong makita kahit anong bakas na ngiti sa kaniyang mukha. I'm glad to see him na okay na. Sana ako rin. Sana ako rin okay na.
He slowly turned to face me, staring at me as if he wanted to fight with me to stare..
H'wag ako, Kerson! Kaya kong wala ka. Pero. . .marupok ako, eh!
"Why? May mali ba sa mukha ko?" I asked at him habang tinititigan ako.
I heard his small chuckle, shaking his head, "There is nothing wrong with your face. . .But there is something wrong with us,"
Mali? Ano'ng mali? Isa.g buwan na kami hindi naguusap. Isang buwan siyang hindi nagparamdam sa akin. Isang buwan ko rin iniisip. He didn't feel me for a month. I've been thinking about it for a month. I have been looking for him for a month. His smell. He laughed. His warmth. His kisses. We don't have a relationship but I lost. Akala ko kaya ko hindi mahulog sa isang tulad niya.
Akala ko lang pala.
Nagkunot-noo ako. Tinignan ko siya ng buong-buo. "Huh? Mali, ano?"
"We need to stop this deal," he bit his lower lip, standing up straight. "I can't take it anymore, Alyzza,"
I laughed softly. "Our deal is already done since we haven't talked for a month,"
Hindi lang last month. Matagal ko na tinanggal sa isip ko na ang deal na 'yan. Matagal ko na hindi iniisip iyon dahil habang tumatagal nahuhulog ako. . .minamahal ko na siya.
As I lifted my eyes to the sky, I found myself following his gaze. My allegiance wasn't to the celestial bodies—the moon or the stars—but solely to him. There's an enchantment in his towering stature that captures my attention and loyalty. Height privileges, Kerson, I jokingly quip in my thoughts.
Sobrang tangkad niya kaya ang laki ng ano niya. . .
Puso.
"Uhm. . . Why?" He asked.
"Mahihirapan tayo sa huli," I said habang nakatingin na ngayon sa buwan. "Aalis ka na. Two months na lang, eh."
I heard his heavy sighed. Bigla ako nasaktan nang bigla siyang napamura ng mahina. Rinig na rinig ko iyon.
"Alyzza, I really want to stay with you. . ." He broke his voice.
"Please, don't stay with me," I weakly promised.
I could feel the edges of my eyes getting hot. I bit my lower to stop my tears falling. I don't want to cry for him now.
"Manatili ka na lang sa tabi ni Ate Kissha," dagdag ko pa.
Matatanggap ko rin unti-unti. Kung ano'ng meron sa kanila. Kung ano meron sila.
"Fuck. Walang kami." Humarap siya sa akin at dumaan ang sakit sa kaniyang mata.
"Okay lang, Kerson. You're right, we need to stop this deal, and let's not see each other anymore," I smiled at him.
I heard his soft laughed. "You're right. I agreed
Pumikit ako ng marahan at sa pagpikit ko, tumulo na ang aking luha sa mga mata ko. Dali-dali ko iyon pinunasan, buti na lang madilim sa pwesto namin.
"Bakit?"
Wala ako sa wisyo kung bakit napatanong ako. Hindi naman kailangan itanong iyon, eh. Hinawakan niya ang dalawang balikat ko at tinignan ako tila hindi siya nagsasawa sa pagmumukha ko.
Hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ko.
"I want to memories your face. Your physical appearance. . . I really want to remember the whole of you." His voice cracked. I was surprised when suddenly there were tears in his eyes. His eyes I see there's a pain.
"Before I leave, you're the one I want to see. And I also want to be with you for the last time,"
Bigla niya akong hinila papunta sa dibdib nito. Yakap-yakap na ako. I can feel his shoulders shaking. Ramdam na ramdam ang hagulgol nito. Tahimik akong umiyak at pinunasan ang akihg luha.
"Na-move ba ang alis mo?" Mahinang tanong ko.
Ayoko itanong. Ayoko itanong ang bagay na 'yan dahil alam kong masasaktan lang ako kapagalaman ko.
He nodded, pouting his lips. "Yes po. Ayoko iwanan ka rito. . ."
Humiwalay ako sa yakap at pinunasan ang kaniyang luha na patuloy pa rin bumubuhos. Iniharap niya akong maayos, hinawakan niya ang mukha ko. Inilapit niya ang mukha sa akin at pinagdikit niya ang aming ilong.
"C-Can I just stay with you? " He asked. It's still crying. "Pwede bang hindi na lang ako tumuloy sa pagalis ko?"
"P'wedeng-pwede pero. . .pagkatapos mong makuha ang pangarap mo. Habulin mo ang naghihintay na pangarap sa'yo," I smiled at him.
He locked eyes with my lips and tenderly pressed a kiss onto them. I closed my eyes in sync, surrendering to the intimate connection. Yet, each kiss seemed to inflict a subtle ache. This one, particularly, felt like a bite of pain.
As our shared breath ran out, we slowly disentangled from the kiss, and he planted a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"My flight to the U.K. is tomorrow," he revealed.
I stood frozen, the reality hitting me. Did I ever consider the possibility of losing him? Lord, I was just kidding earlier. Why is it tomorrow? Why so soon?
I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand.
"Can you take me to the airport?" he asked.
Kung hahatid ko siya, parang pinatay ko na ang sarili ko. Ayaw ko siyang panoorin palayo sa 'kin. Ayoko. Hindi ko kayang panoorin siya naglalakad palayo samantalang ako, hirap na hirap siya pakawalan.
"P-Please, you're the one I want to see before I leave," he uttered with a monotone. "I'll bear the pain of watching you walk away from me."
Hindi ako makaisip ng maayos. Ayoko magsisisi sa huli. Sa huli ay pumayag na ako sa kaniya. Kung titiisin niya, titiisin ko rin.
"Ano'ng oras?" I asked him. While watching again the creset moon.
"Eleven A.M. I will petch you up in the morning," mahinang tugon niya.
Tumugon ako sa kaniya bilang pangsasangayon sa kaniya. Ni isa sa amin ay walang nagsalita sa amin. Tanging sasakyan at mga tao narito malapit sa amin ang ingay. Ang pagiyak at pagsinghot ng mga iyak ang tangin naririnig na'ming dalawa.
"Alyzza," nanghihinang tawag niya sa akin.
"Hmm?" I whispered.
I caught his heavy sigh. "You're my favorite melody, my music's special place. I'll forever cherish the way our lyrics intertwine, and I'll keep singing the letters of our song content over and over again."
"I won't forget you," I looked at him in the eyes with teary eyes."And how our paths diverge into different places, Kerson. Go far, chase your dreams, and run towards your aspirations." I smiled at him, wanting to ease the weight of emotions in the air.
Lumapit ito sa akin niyakap akong mahigpit nang mahigpit tila wala nang bukas.
"All will be alright in time," he whispered, massaging my back.
"Yes. . .when the wounds are raw," I replied. "For now, even in our separation, let's escape the pain. The distant echoes of beats and the melancholic lyrics of our story will serve as a painful substitute."
N A M E L E S G U Y 2 5