Mr and Mrs Durslay were perfectly normal, crime free people, thank you very much. They lived up to their name and liked to strut the town in their new bushi fits, they truly slayed. Unfortunately for the couple, The wife Petunia had a secret, her sister was a mob boss, killed by police nearly eleven years earlier.
And her son, Harry Pooter, had been left on her porch the very same night. So now the Durslays were raising the dead mob boss' son. They didn't like him much, as he ruined the family vibes.
"HARRY POOTER, COME OUT OF THAT OVEN AND MAKE ME AND YOUR COUSIN SOME BACON!" A particularly bulbous man with a face like a walrus shouted, his giant bulging hands clutching the table cloth out of sheer desperation and hunger.
"THIS IS NOT VERY SLAY OF YOU, LITTLE SKINNY MAGGOT! I HATE YOU, YOU SO UGLY, YOU CRUSH THE SLAY VIBE, I WISH YOU DEAD LITTLE SKINNY BOY!"
Mr. Durslay's wife came over and put a calming, bird-like hand on his shoulder, making small shushing noises to sooth the giant man.
The small boy pushed his legs out and popped the oven door open, most kids have a room, but Harry had an oven, because he just wasn't slay enough to have his own room according to the Durslays.
"Alright alright, I'm goin mate. No need to yell bruv." the scraggly boy said, climbing out of the oven.
Mrs. Durslay giggled and pulled Mr. Durslay close to her thin pointy lips and gave him a quick kiss. "I hate that little bugger as well, do your best to not get too riled up about it."
"I JUST CAN'T STAND HIS FUGLY FACE. HE IS NOT SLAY ENOUGH FOR THIS FAMISLAY!"
The small boy scurried to the freezer and pulled out an old expired packet of bacon. The cold plastic cooling his finger tips.
"You luv me right bacon?" Harry whispered, his hot british breath ghosting over the frosted bacon slices. "You will neva leave me bacon, you will be my best mate foreva...."
With a crash Harry's cousin burst into the room, he was dripped out in Gucci and lulu lemon leggings. "HARRY, WHY YOU TALK TO BACON! YOU SUCH A FREAK CUZ!" and with a mighty jiggling leap, Harry's cousin Dudslay slammed the bacon out of Harry's clutches and onto the floor, where the rock hard expired ice bacon shattered into a million billion pieces.
Two conflicting voices shouted throughout the Durslay house.
"My friends!"
"ME BACON!"
Mr Durslay heaved his giant body up off of the chair and waddled over to Harry, who was standing next to Dudslay over the broken bacon.
"WHY DID YOU DROP MY BACON YOU STUPID SKINNY BOY!" he said, flicking Harry in the forehead so hard he fell over. "THAT WAS NOT VERY SLAY OF YOU BOY!"
Harry stared up at Mr Durslay with wide green balls of sight and tried to get back up, only to slip on the frozen bacon shards. He fell back down with a thud as Mr. Durslay and Mrs. Dudslay laughed. Mrs. Durslay just shook her head and yanked Harry up to his feet.
"Sweep up the bacon right now young man." Mrs. Durslay commanded Harry, pointing her boney finger towards the broom. Harry rolled his vision spheres and cartwheeled while sobbing to get the broom and walked back over to sweep the bacon shards up, along with some dirt, and then picking the pile up, holding it.
"Should I still cook it bruv?" he asked her, holding his cupped hands out over the trash can. Mrs. Durslay looked at him like he was stupid.
"Of course, it wouldn't be very slay of you to waste food like that." she said, frustrated. Mrs. Durslay walked away muttering to herself, "Stupid runt...."
Mr. Durslay watched Harry as he dumped the bacon shards and dirt into a pan. "YOU BETTER COOK THOSE ALL THE WAY BOY."
Harry started to toss some of his floppy bacon friends into a pan, the sizzle reminded him of the screams, the screams he so distinctly remembered from when he was a baby.
The Durslays had said that Harry's parents weren't slay enough to survive when a crazy lemur escaped from the zoo and sliced people up. That's where Harry got his scar from. Most kids thought Harry looked weird, but Harry quite liked the way he looked, his scabby knees and his tiny bird-like arms were perfect for living in the oven. Harry's favorite part of his appearance was a giant scar, right in the center of his forehead, a giant hole, making him look like a human donut.
Dudslay, Harry's cousin, crept up behind Harry and used a spoon handle to shove a piece of floppy, burning hot bacon into the head hole.
Harry bent over backwards screaming as the sizzling bacon burned his sensitive head-hole flesh. Dudslay cackled at his cousin as he rolled around on the ground in pain.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed, the anguish of his loss of the bacon and the burning of his brain being manifested in his shrieking shrieks.
At this point Dudslay was on the ground, his chubby little fists banging the tile as he hooted and hollered, his lookers were squished so tightly shut that salty tears of laughter were shooting out of his tear ducts like a sprinkler. Mr. Durslay just rolled his globes at Harry's screams and picked up the newspaper beside him.
"NEWSPAPER SEEMS TO BE VERY INTERESTING TODAY!" Mr Durslay bellowed over the sounds of his nephews screaming.
"Oh what's in it?" Mrs Durslay chirped.
"WORDS!" Mr. and Mrs. Durslay chuckled loudly at Mr Durslays joke.
As the bacon started to cool down in Harry's skull he propped himself up on his hands and knees and let the slick cold bacon slide out of his head and onto the floor with a 'plop'.
Harry's hand seemed to move on its own accord and groped at the tile behind him, a switchblade seemed to have materialized out of nowhere.
Suddenly Dudslay wasn't laughing and Mr and Mrs Durslay were frozen in place, watching Harry.
"BOY YOU STUPID BOY, PUT THAT THING AWAY YOU NASTY UNATTRACTIVE PREETEEN!"
Harry looked down and saw the switchblade clenched in his fist, "Wot, wher' did that com from mate?"
"THAT IS OF NO MATTER YOU UNSIGHTLY YOUNG LAD, FOR THAT STUNT YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF THE WEEK IN YOUR OVEN! GIVE ME THE SWITCHBLADE! AND COME OVER HERE!"
Harry sheepishly walked over to uncle Durslay and handed him the mysterious switchblade. "BEND OVER DUM-DUM!"
Harry bent over and Durslay smashed Harry's face into the tile floor with a 'crunch'. Durslay picked up Harry by the scruff of his shirt and crunched Harry into a ball, and rolled him like a bowling ball into the open oven, then his bird-like wife stooped over and slammed the oven door shut. Harry looked through the mesh glass on his door as his family went through that day's mail.
"Hmmm, look at this, a man named Geronimo is jailed for predicting the queen's death..." murmured Harry's aunt glancing down at the many newspaper folds.
"Me school is openin'' on tuesday!" exclaimed Dudslay looking at a mailer. "Hey- whys Harry got mail?" Dudslay asked, holding up a new envelope, passing it to his father.
"WHAT IN TARNATION IS A GLOCKWARTS?!" screamed Mr. Durslay after glancing at the letter, gripping it tightly. Harry watched through the oven glass in curiosity as Mrs. Durslay ripped the letter from her husband's hands.
"Glockwarts?!?" she exclaimed, frantically opening the envelope and reading the letter inside. Mrs. Durlsays globes darted towards the oven and she glared at the boy inside. She ripped the letter up and threw it in the trash can.
"WHAT'S GLOCKWARTS HONEY?!" Mr. Durslay questioned, watching his wife throw the paper pieces away.
"Oh nothing dear, probably just a prank." Mrs. Durslay said, smiling at her husband. He looked at her suspiciously while taking a bite of his bacon pieces.
Harry quietly pushed the door to the oven open and slinked over to the trashcan to dig the paper pieces out. He was about to look for some tape when he said screw it and placed all the pieces on the ground to read. Mr. and Mrs. Durslay were still talking back and forth so Harry took that time to quickly read the letter. He did a flip in the air out of excitement and cartwheeled around while holding the letter.
"I get to go to skewll! I get to go to skewll!", he said while continuing to cartwheel around. This finally caught Mr. and Mrs. Durslays attention.
"YOU DON'T GET TO GO TO SCHOOL YOU HELLISH CHILD!" shouted Mr Durslay as he grabbed the frying pan from the table and chucked it at Harry's knobbly knees.
"Ha- yeet" Dudslay said dabbing as Harry fell through the glass door after being slammed with a burning hot frying pan. The glass door shattered and Harry collapsed on the deck outside, his letter getting caught in the wind and fluttering away.
"My letter!"
"ME DOOR!"
Harry watched in horror and sadness as his letter flipped around in the wind, blowing away forever. A single tear rolled down his cheek as Mr. Durslay came to the door and grabbed Harry by the collar of his shirt and yanked him up.
"HOW DARE YOU BREAK ME DOOR!" he screamed.
Harry gasped and scrambled around in the air, trying to stand.
"COME ON BOY, YOU AND US GO AWAY, YOU WILL NEVER EVER GO TO SCHOOL!"
(Harry Pooter and family pack and hop in the car.)
"WE WILL DRIVE AWAY SO THAT NO ONE CAN TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL, YOU WILL STAY STUPID AND CRIME FREE FOREVER MY UGLY NEPHEW!"
Harry sighed and leaned up against the window, his head hole leaving an odd print on the foggy glass. The car provided a shelter from the harsh storm outside, but acted as a trap for Harry, he was squished in the trunk in the van, sitting in between all the luggage and the roof, looking out of the trunk window.
"Oh uncle, why co'nt, I sit in the car seat? I don't fit very well up here do i?" Harry asked, his face squished against the glass and a smelly gym bag belonging to Dudslay.
Uncle Vernon never replied, he just kept driving the car. Suddenly the van lurched forward and Harry realized that the family was rapidly gaining speed, Harry suspected they were going at least 120mph,
"Uncle..... UNCLE! WOT ARE WE DOIN?" Harry shouted, panic rising in his scrawny chest. Unbeknownst to Harry, Durslay and Petunia had grabbed some sunglasses and were staring ahead with smirks on their faces. Aunt Petunia reached over and flipped a switch on the car's console and some music started spreading through the van.
"Goin down,
Party time
My friends gonna be there too"
The sleek red van was driving right to the edge of a cliff overlooking the water. With a final pump of the gas the Durslays and Harry were launched into the air.
"I'M ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL
HIGHWAY TO HELL"
Harry felt the car lift into the air and he began to scream in british.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The car fell into the water with a splash. The Durslays started to roll down the windows and pulled ores out from under the boat and started to paddle the car out into the ocean. The family paddled for quite some time, Harry was not sure at all where they were going.
"I'm sorry family but i am not sure at all where we are goin'" Harry proclaimed.
The Durslays ignored him. Like always. Well not always, sometimes they would yell at him and call him ugly. Sometimes they would break his bones.
The Durslays didn't talk for a while, their only focus being to get to some supposed island so that Harry wouldn't be able to go to school. Mr. Durslay began to go "WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?" as the car began to rise out of the water.
Soon the car was 5 feet in the air and two giant hands came out of the water and ripped the doors off of the car, the trunk was ripped off too and Harry rolled out of the trunk and into the salty ocean.
Harry could not swim, the Durslays never taught him because they said "only slay people can swim harry, and you are simply too alarmingly unpleasant to look at to be slay"
Harry began to slowly sink below the surface of the ocean, under the surface he saw two huge legs, treading water. The owner of those huge legs reached an arm down and scooped Harry up out of the water.
"'Arry! M'boy! You look like your father, dontcha!"
Harry was on his hands and knees, throwing up water all over the giant's hand. He kept dry heaving as the giant watched him. As he was doing this, water was draining from his head hole, and his brain almost fell out, but he caught it and shoved it back inside. He stood up and looked up at the giant.
"Do you 'ave duct tape bruv? I need it for me head hoe." he told the huge man. The huge hairy man gently took the car off of his head and set in the crashing waves, the Durslays still screaming inside the car, their ores flapping around uselessly.
"Do you remember me Harry?" The giant man bellowed.
"No mate, 'fraid not" The giant man sighed and said "Why, I'm Hagrid, but last I saw ye, ye was a little baby!"
"I was a wee little lad? Just a tot? The Durslays said I was spawned from a ugly wench and that I never was a little lad." Harry proclaimed, shocked.
"Hardy Har har, i suppose they also told you that you got your scar from a crazed lemor or something of the sort, hehehehe"
Harry stared blankly at Hagrid.
"Was I not given me head hole from a lemur?"
"A CRAZED LEMUR? Harry, you were given that scar the same day your parents died-"
"I know, I got this scar the same day my parents died..... From the crazed lemur."
"No, No, no! Harry, Your parents died at the hands of a cop and - Harry, you know what you are right?"
"A freak of nature?"
"What? No- Yer a mafia Harry."
"I'm a wot?"
"A mafia! And a thumpin good one at that i recon-"
Hagrid was interrupted by Vernons Bellowing voice.
"THIS IS NONSENSE DON'T GO FILLING MY NEPHEWS HEAD WITH SUCH CODSWALLOPY THOUGHTS!" Mr Durslay had stuck his pudgy head out of the window and was now shaking red with anger.
Hagrid turned, still treading water, "Shut up you great prune, what's the big deal anyway? I'm just getting him out of your hair."
"NO NO NO! I WANT HIM TO BE MY SLAV!" Durslay screamed, his fat head now stuck in the window.
"Er- I think you mean 'slave' you old fart" Hagrid said looking peeved.
"I SAID WHAT I SAID, SLAVE IS PRONOUNCED 'SLAY-VE' AND HARRY WILL NEVER SSSSLLLLLLLAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
Hagrid stared at the Dursleys, stunned. Then he grabbed the car, wound up his arm and threw the Durslays.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!-" Dudslay's cry could be heard until the car caught on fire and they landed on an old woman in New Zealand, on the other side of the world.. Harry stared up at the giant who just chucked his family in awe.
"You threw me family so fa'." he exclaimed. Hagrid looked back down at the small boy.
"Indeed Harry! Your uncle was being a huge tosser, it was the least I could do my boy." he told him. "Now, let's see what we can do for your schooling."