Introduction:
Lemon Like Love was written by Ipsitalali. It is a police thriller story that follows the protagonists, Lenna and Matteo, as they put their differences aside to work together. Lenna has a complicated past that creates tension between her and Matteo as Lenna fights to prove her innocence.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
For starters, I really really really like the cover. I love the font of the "like" and how it's different from the "lemon" and "love" without feeling awkward. I like the little dividers used above and under the font. I also love the background picture. The pistol stands out because of the sharp golden color, and the money in the background says a lot about what the book is going to be about. Lastly, the crime scene tape at the bottom is a nice touch. There's no blank space on this cover; every inch is utilized, which makes it pop.
I believe the story's bio says the cover is from Throne Kingdom, and I would say you made a great choice going to them since it's a wonderful cover. It immediately caught my eye and drew me to the story!
Similarly, I like the banners used throughout the book. At the end of the chapters, that colorful banner with the gun and heart-shaped lollipops is very cute but also super fitting for the story. I really like all the colors put into these aesthetics.
While on the topic of the presentation of the book, I like the title. Like the cover, it pops and adds flavor (literally cause of the "lemon" in the title) to the story. It's an intriguing title that caught my eye immediately. It's colorful and unique, which will lead to people being interested in clicking on the story.
The first chapter does an effective job setting up who the characters are and putting stakes in the story right off the bat. It ends on a cliffhanger that gets readers excited to click on the next part. I think you have a good hook that doesn't drag on or add unnecessary details. It gets straight to the point, which is great.
I'm writing a police thriller right now, so from a personal standpoint, I thought this was a fun story! It actually got me inspired to continue writing my police story even though I haven't done much work for it in six weeks. So thank you for giving me motivation to keep writing it! I loved the overall feel/vibe of your work, and it captured my attention from the very first chapter.
You definitely put the "thrill" in thriller. There are a lot of great action scenes in this story with cool set pieces. The action scenes come at good times and don't feel forced in there to keep it exciting or anything like that. The truth is, I think the story's exciting enough even without the action scenes since I like the dynamic between Matteo and Lenna. However, the action scenes are like the cherry on top, y'know?
They don't feel rushed and they add a lot to what's going on. They raise the stakes and also characterize the protagonists. I really appreciated how you took action scenes and did two things at once: provided awesome fight scenes and brought more depth to the characters. For example, in the abandoned hospital chapter, Matteo is being cocky and showing off his intelligence by finding weapons on the spot. Those subtle details show who the characters are in high pressure situations.
In my opinion, the best action scenes are the ones that help characterize the ones fighting and also shows off what the characters are good at. In that scene, we see Matteo is quick on his feet and improvises in a matter of seconds. It's a great quality to set up, especially so early in the story and within the realms of a fight scene.
The pacing is pretty good. It doesn't feel too fast or too slow, but rather just right. The way information is revealed is solid. You set up what you need to set up without rushing it, but you also hide enough to keep us invested. You reveal Lenna's past in the very beginning, but all the details are shown more throughout the story, which adds more layers to her than I expected.
Lenna is a good choice for a protagonist. I like Matteo too, but I found myself liking Lenna more due to the intrigue set up surrounding her past and how it impacts the present day of the story. Her personality is very relatable, and seeing her struggle to overcome her past is engaging. That struggle is what makes her relatable.
She's often down on her luck, and it seems the universe holds something against her. For example, her car always breaking down. Although it is comedic and adds an element of humor and levity, it also allows us to put ourselves in Lenna's shoes and feel her frustration.
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What Didn't Work:
Be careful with repetitive wording and too much telling over showing. For example, the characters do a lot of chuckling. There's nothing wrong with having them chuckle, but it happens quite a few times, and it becomes noticeable.
Along with that, a lot of times the characters are told to us instead of shown. For example, during dialogue scenes, many times we're told how they're speaking or how they're looking. Such as, "I blushed, feeling flustered by his comment" or "He nodded sympathetically." Instead of telling us how the characters are feeling, consider showing us using the dialogue itself, descriptions, and/or actions.
While on the topic, there are some cliche descriptions in the story that I feel could be switched out to raise the tension and also help readers empathize with the characters more. For example, there are many times phrases like "my heart pounded in my chest/my heart sank," "my mind raced/was racing," and "my blood ran cold" are used throughout the story.
There are minor tense issues. They're minor so they don't happen often, but there are some instances where you slip into present tense incorrectly. Like I said, it doesn't happen too often so it isn't a big deal, but it is something I thought I'd bring to your attention regardless.
Dialogue tags are sometimes done correctly, sometimes done incorrectly. Sometimes you'll have a tag but will end the dialogue with a period. For example, from chapter 2, "And I won't stop fighting because it wasn't my fault." I retorted back.
It should be: "And I won't stop fighting because it wasn't my fault," I retorted.
I removed the "back" because it is unnecessary. The verb "retorted" already implies that. Along with that, when there is punctuation that isn't a comma, you capitalize the tag when that is unnecessary. So, for example, from chapter 3, "So you just dodge bullets on a daily basis?" He asked.
It should be: "So you just dodge bullets on a daily basis?" he asked.
The tag is still a continuation of the sentence regardless of what punctuation you use at the end of dialogue, hence why it is always lowercase unless it is a proper noun, and also why dialogue can end with anything other than a period when you're using a tag.
I didn't notice many areas in the plot that didn't make sense, but one moment that stood out to me was the abandoned hospital chapter. I find it extremely hard to believe that neither of these two police officers thought to bring their sidearms.
I can maybe understand Lenna forgot hers because she was in a rush, but I can't believe Matteo's excuse. Matteo's introduction as a character was him not trusting Lenna and vowing to do anything to take her down. He knows about her past, which in his eyes, is violent. He thinks she has done horrible things. Why would he not bring a weapon whenever he's around this person he's openly been hostile to, especially when he believes she's a violent person?
He has practically threatened her, and they're about to go on a mission together alone near an abandoned hospital, which is the picture perfect place for Lenna to do something to him.
Based on the opening few chapters, Matteo was characterized as observant, prepared, and cautious. He quickly noticed the broken glass in Lenna's office, and the opening sentence of his first ever POV is "I arrived promptly at 10 a.m., cautiously clutching my navy blue duffle bag." That is the audience's first glance at Matteo, and that sentence sets him up as A) prepared since he arrived right on time with the necessary gear and B) cautious due to the word "cautiously," and also because in the next paragraph he calms himself and observes the place before entering fully.
So when you characterize someone as observant, prepared, and cautious, then he doesn't bring his gun because he doesn't think it'll be necessary, it comes off as odd and unbelievable. It goes against what we were shown about him before. If you were going to go that route, then I would suggest characterizing him as reckless instead. Him not bringing his gun feels very OOC based on what we've learned about him in the opening chapters. I hope that makes sense.
Lastly, I would suggest not using all caps. All caps are very difficult to read and they comes off as you, the author, shouting at the reader instead of the characters shouting. They're also an example of telling over showing.
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Summary:
- Great cover + title
- Engaging hook with good cliffhanger
- Good pacing
- Action scenes are well-paced and show subtle character details
- Lenna is an engaging and relatable protagonist
- Consider using more showing over telling and less cliche descriptions
- Some grammar errors (minor tense issues, dialogue tags, all caps)
- Some conflicting characterization
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Overall:
Lemon Like Love is a fun police thriller that knows how to pull on your heartstrings with the mature elements in the story. It features a comedic dynamic between Matteo and Lenna, but it knows when to hit you with the more serious stuff. If you're into crime thrillers, then I strongly recommend Lemon Like Love to you.
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Thank you for submitting your story. I love police stories, so I knew from the first chapter that I'd like it, and I did, in fact, enjoy reading it. This was a fun read, and if I have time, I'd like to check out Strawberry Shaped Love at some point too!
Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews.