Trigger warning: Mention of rape
Iris:
"So are you excited for tomorrow?" Mal nudges Kim's shoulder making her smile bashfully.
"More terrifyingly nervous, I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm already feeling sick with anxiety. What if no one likes my painting?" Fear cripples her face.
"Oh please you overthink too much, you wouldn't of been invited if you weren't good enough" Mal assures, easily dismissing our friend's concerns though I can see that her eyes are still rippled with apprehension.
"And you know neither of us lie to comfort people so take our honest opinion which is you are fucking amazing" Kim smiles thankfully before her eyes widen and she slaps my arm.
"Don't swear in front of him" she points to Diego who sits idly on my lap, happily busy with one of his toys.
"Sorry rocket" I apologise, kissing his curly mop of hair which causes him to turn and bear me a toothy grin. "Where are his siblings anyway?" Mal asks, not seeming very interested in the answer as she keeps her gaze locked on the boys who are at football practice while we remain on the bleachers. The only reason I'm here with Diego is because I wanted to talk to miss young whom has disappeared inside to grab her phone.
"Out with friends" I mumble in response as i readjust Diego on my lap. "Butterfly" he speaks aloud, pointing in awe at the insect that flies around our heads. Smiling broadly he jumps up and starts to walk around the grass, following it around and trying to capture it in his small hands. I smile at the sight,
"Are you still okay to drive us down there tomorrow?" Kim touches my hand to steal my attention and I look toward her.
"Of course—well it's newbie that will be driving but he is happy to do it" I offered originally but as soon as Elias caught sound of it he convinced me to let him drive instead. He's weird like that.
"Okay good" she smiles and I return it before moving my eyes back to Diego- he's no longer in front of me. Where is he?
"Girls where is Diego?" I scour the field, jumping to my feet as I look with a tight chest. He was here only a second ago. After a fearful ten seconds when my breathing stopped and my chest tightened painfully, I catch sight of a mass of curly hair and my chest deflates. Thank god he's okay.
"Oh shit" I cringe seeing him get so close to the boys that's are still training. All I think as I rush into action is, I better catch him before coach does. Once I'm close enough, I scoop Diego up and carefully eye the football team of which a few had noticed our presence. Shit.
"Rocket you scared me" I mumble over his shoulder as I turn back to the girls-praying I make it back to the bleachers without an interaction with anyone.
"the butterfly" he explains and I nod, chuckling at his doe eyes that still remain on the flying insect. "I know buddy, it's very pretty-"
"Iris!" A loud, stern voice stops me in my tracks. I instantly recognise the voice that's been yelling out commands for the past forty five minutes. Coach. Well fuck.
I take another step in the opposite direction of him and his team hoping maybe I can pretend I didn't hear him but then I hear another voice.
"Moore" oh god that's Elias I bet the whole fucking team is staring at me now. With a heavy sigh I spin on my heel and face a grumpy looking coach and his band of idiots.
"Look what you got us into now" I whisper but Diego only titters to himself while wrapping my hair around his short fingers.
"All of you get back to practice" his voice is commanding and of course all of the boys follow without a second thought except for, unsurprisingly, the four main imbeciles. Who come strolling over. Nosy bastards.
"I'm sorry if we interrupted your practice coach" his eyes scrutinise me as I look down at Diego who suddenly hides in my neck. He doesn't like strangers. "Did I tell you four to stop?" He raises an eyebrow and I bite my lip to prevent a laugh bursting out. "Get back to it" Malcolm instantly refutes while Jake and Aidan reluctantly leave and Elias walks over to me.
"Hey baby" he greets, kissing me and then ruffling Diego's hair who peaks out of my neck.
"Hey little man, causing trouble I see"
"I saw butterfly" Elias chuckles.
"Was it as pretty as ris ris?" Diego shakes his head, his shyness disappearing.
"Ris ris is the prettiest" my heart squeezes.
"She sure is" I'm sure the blush on my face is crazy as I push Elias away gently.
"Get back to practice"
"I am, I'll see you after though" nodding in agreement I watch him walk backwards with a smile before he starts running along with his team plus a grumpy sunshine who just had his ass handed to him by coach.
"Now Iris, I wanted to talk with you" running away is a bad option, a terrible one, not even imaginable. Yet I think I'm gonna do it.
"You and Elias are obviously..." he clears his throat his voice portraying his uncomfortableness. "Together" Jesus this is awkward.
"Try to keep him focused on football, he has talent. Too much to waste." He's straight to the point, I'll give him that. "I hope you know I'm not trying to be a distraction" his head shakes,
"no I know you're not" nodding I wait for him to speak again. "But you have a lot of power over him" my eyes narrow a tad, straying to find the source of this conversation.
"I'll try my best to keep him on track" coach nods stiffly and I take that as the end of our talk.
"Wait one last thing" I face him again, having been only half way through turning away.
"Aidan mentioned your chocolate cake" oh god.
"It's my granddaughters birthday and I haven't been able to find a decent baker" okay that is not where I expected this to go.
"You want me to bake her one?" My voice is a mixture of surprise and intrigue. Aidan must have really liked what I baked.
"If it's possible"
"I don't know I'm really not that good-"
"No need for modesty Aidan is a harsh critique especially of cake as I've learned over the years" he holds his hand up, stopping my arguments and I sigh. Giving in.
"When do you need it for?" I swear I almost see a glimpse of a smile but he removes it before I can confirm. I was probably imagining because coach is known for his lack of emotions.
"A week on Wednesday" that's doable. A pain in the ass but doable. "Okay, you can write down what you want but I can't draw or anything like that so it'll have to be plainly iced" I warn him, and he nods.
"Of course, thank you" forcing up a smile i nod back. "No problem" before either of us can speak or walk away as I was planning to do, miss young's voice calls out,
"Hey coach stop stealing my student" my favourite student is what she really meant but I'll let that go. "She's a pain in my ass" he grumbles with a scowl aimed at my teacher which makes me smile for real this time. "I've got to go-"
"Yes go on, get off of my field" yep there's the infamous coldness. "Alright bye coach" I wave, turning and walking half of the way back to the girls before putting Diego down.
He automatically grabs my hand and totters by my side. "Spill the beans Iris what did he say?" Miss young bombards me as soon as I'm close enough to her. "He said that being nosy is a sin" she rolls her eyes as I fall into a space beside her.
"You're the one that insisted on seeing my new puppy" she deadpans.
"Puppies are cute. Sue me"
"Don't tempt me"
"He asked if I'd bake him a cake for his granddaughter's birthday" I finally confess.
"Why would he ask you?"
"Apparently Aidan loved the one I made not long ago and coach heard about it" Mal and Kim nod like that makes sense while miss young shrugs.
"Now show me those puppies"
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"Iris?" I hum, still sleepy after only just waking up from a nap I took with Elias. I'm still lying on his chest with my eyes closed shut, trying to block the outside world out.
"We never talked about what you said at Bailey's party" my body stills at his reminder but I didn't need it. I'd been purposefully ignoring the inevitable conversation and I had even deluded myself into thinking he'd forgotten about it. Clearly he hasn't and he's no longer satisfied with letting me pretend.
"It happened a long time ago, what I was talking about, it doesn't matter now" a half truth because it is still relevant. It does still haunt me.
"It matters to me" his voice is soft and he gently lifts me so I'm forced to face him.
"There's no point in rehashing the past"
"But there is because it still affects you" I stare down at his eyes that Sheen with unfeigned care.
"I've never told anyone about it before" my words are rough in my throat as emotion builds in my voice. "Let me be the first, and last if you wish" a confession is on the tip of my tongue ready to be shared but it's like I'm back there that day and he's covering my mouth, choking my throat until I swallow the memory back down again.
"I can't" my voice breaks and so does a piece of me I'd kept whole by burying that dreaded night.
"It's okay baby take your time" his warm hands rub my hips, soothing me from tears but a lonely drop escapes, cascading down my cheek. He wipes it away, reminding me that he's here not to cause more heartache but to subdue it.
"I was eleven when it first started" I take deep breathes as I remember back then, desperately holding onto Elias' bare chest to keep myself grounded. "H-he was my friends older brother" older. 18 at the time, he was leaving for college.
"He was having a party" I can still smell the burnt pizza, the pungent beer.
"We stayed upstairs" that didn't stop him.
"My friend left for the bathroom a-and he found me" he hunted me down.
"He locked the door" he dragged me back to bed when I fled for freedom.
"I just wanted to sleep Elias. I didn't want it. I swear I didn't want" the tears aren't controllable anymore, they stream down my face like a dam has broken and is flooding my cheeks.
"Shush it's okay beautiful girl, I believe you" a hand brushes away my tears but it's no use as fresh tears quickly replace the ones wiped away. Seeing me breakdown, Elias tucks my head into the crook of his neck. Brushing down my hair and holding me so tightly that I can't forget he's here. "He said it was my fault" i blubber, cries of misery echoing in the room.
"It wasn't. Look at me baby, it. wasn't. your. fault." He annunciates every word with meaning and it only makes me breakdown more. That's all she wanted to hear. My eleven year old self, who cried herself to sleep and couldn't stand to look in the mirror, she just needed someone to assure her that it wasn't her fault. But they didn't and the belief that I caused all of my pain and misery rooted itself in my heart and my head.
"But it was. He said if I didn't act the way I did, if I didn't smile at him those times I had been to their house before, he said it never would of happened"
"I promise you none of that matters" shaking my head adamantly I try to free myself from his arms. He's treating me like a victim but I am not blameless like those he's comparing me to. Rape victims should hold no shame because they did nothing wrong, it wasn't their fault. But it was mine.
"Did you say no?" I can't escape him no matter how much I hit and struggle to be free. If it was anyone else I'd have a panic attack but his warm breath and familiar scent keeps me sane, barely. "Tell me baby"
"Yes" so, so many times. "Then you did more than enough to make any man know to stop" but he didn't. My words weren't enough neither were my kicks or punches. My struggle wasn't enough to make him stop.
"But he didn't which means he's not a man. And you did not deserve that" I want to believe him. God I so desperately want to believe him.
"Then why? Why me? Why then? Why didn't he stop?" I'm pathetically desperate for an answer because there must be a reason. There has to be, so many bad things don't happen to one person just because.
"I don't know baby, I really don't know but it has nothing to do with you. He didn't hurt you because of how you acted. None of it was you're fault. There are many terrible people out there and he's one of the worst. That's why he did it, it's all about him and his fucked up head" he clutches my broken face in his palms, unwilling to let my eyes wander from anywhere but him.
I welcome his fingers that tuck a piece of hair behind my ear and suck in a sharp breath as they skate across my drenched cheeks.
"I just wanted to sleep" my voice breaks and my body crumbles against his chest that he securely locks me against. I don't say anymore, I can't say anymore because sob after sob leaves my lips as Elias cradles me. Whispering sweet assurances while I weep my heart out for the little girl who never had anyone to lull her cries.
Eventually, I've tired myself out so much that I slip into a deep slumber, still clutching onto my boyfriend who voices no complaints even though I know I've been a burden he's had to comfort for the past two hours. Yeah I cried for that long but I had a lot to be sad about, I had a lot to mourn for the younger version of me who never shed a tear. I wish I could tell her that being strong all the time isn't actually humanely possible.
Everyone breaks and—though I never had anyone there to pick up the pieces—I still should of let myself shatter. Because then I could of rebuilt and replaced all of the pieces. After all I know all too well that sticking together old, broken shards of your heart doesn't work because you still carry their pain and their sharp edges never soften. They didn't until him anyway.
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"Hello?" My voice is rough with annoyance as my phone ringing has interrupted mine and Elias' movie marathon. After the past being dug up last night we decided to have a chill day and I dragged him around while I dropped a few kids off in different places before returning to my bed.
"Iris you need to get over here asap!" Kim yells through the phone and I can almost see her biting her nails and pacing anxiously, in my mind. "What happened?"
"Hair disaster-" a cry of despair cuts through the speaker and i jolt out of bed. "I'm on my way" cutting off the call I stand up and turn to kiss Elias goodbye. "Girl emergency, I've got to run" he kisses me back seeming shocked at my quick and sudden departure but doesn't hold me back as I make quick work of the stairs and fast walk down the road.
I almost burst through the front door with worry that whatever has happened to Mal's hair won't be fixable in the short time we have before setting off to New York for Kim's exhibit tonight. Taking two steps at a time, I'm walking through the bedroom door in no time.
"Oh thank god, over here" Kim rushes over to me, dragging me into the bathroom where a curled up Mal hides in the corner. My whole face softens as I take in her crazed hair. It's got pieces sticking up in every kind of direction and it looks like gel has matted half of it too.
"What happened?" I whisper to my short friend who can only shrug helplessly.
"Help me" Mal cries, her red teary eyes overflowing with more panic.
"Don't worry babe I will" taking her hand I guide her to the sink. "Lay across the cabinets with your head hanging over the bowl" she sniffles as she follows my instructions and once I have a towel wrapped around her shoulders I turn on the tap and start to rinse through the blonde mass of mess. "Kim can you please pass me the hair products out of the shower please?" She quickly complies with two stuffed cheeks.
From where she got the food, I have no idea.
"Is it going back to normal?" I nod, glancing at Mal's puffy eyes that blink with relief.
"Thank god I looked like a hot mess and not in the low-key sexy way" I chuckle at her comment while gently detangling the knotty strands she always prides herself in taking good care of.
"I'm just going to wash it through"
"Okay Kim can I have a cookie please?" So that's what she's eating. When no voice replies we both turn curiously to find Kim frozen mid chew with an empty packet of choc chip cookies.
"You've eaten them all?!" Mal asks with utter disbelief. "I'm nervous okay, I eat when I'm anxious!" We can't do anything but laugh as she cries out with distress and throws around random hand gestures in an attempt to convey her suffering.
"Calm down tiny! You're going to give yourself a heart attack" Kim paces, glancing at me while she huffs and rambles. "My mom said I should stop eating so much because it only makes me feel sicker but I can't help it! Food is like my therapy and it tastes so good especially those cookies that are tiny and never have the choc chips in them spread out but they melt in your mouth yet still have the perfect crunch!" If you couldn't tell already, Kim is a food feigned. And she especially loves cookies. That's what her and Aidan bonded over—food.
"I know the ones you're talking about, there's some in the pantry I'm sure" Mal turns her head to speak to Kim who lights up with joy.
"Really?!"
"Yeah go have some..." she trails off as our friend races out of the room no doubt heading for the pantry. "Damn" I chuckle, massaging some shampoo into Mal's roots as her eyes blink up at me.
"Can I do your makeup later?" I can feel her eyes on my skin as I nod. "If you want to"
"And can I post a TikTok transition for it?" I cringe, I've been trying to stay off of social media after a picture of me and Elias from last weekend went viral. My following on all social media platforms rose to almost 800k and I've only got one post on my instagram so that number is just outrageous.
"I don't know"
"Please I promise you'll look unreal" it's hard to say no when I know that Mal is trying to raise her own following so she can become a famous influencer. Though the idea makes my stomach churn with discomfort.
"Only if all three of us girls are in it" she squeals clapping her hands together.
"That's even better! It's going to be fabulous" she starts to pitch me ideas and shows me videos we could take inspiration from as she scrolls through TikTok.
While she's busy doing that I finish of her hair and wrap it up in a towel, "walk and talk babe" Mal sits up, slipping off of the side and following me into her room while still chattering on.
"We can do the first part here...and you know what I can't believe you're sending me into that car with all of the idiots!" She falls onto her desk chair with a glare.
"I'm just glad it's you and not me" through the mirror I feel her heated gaze but focus on her hair with a smirk. "The boys aren't that bad" Kim tries to reason, "you go with them then"
"Oh hell no" I laugh at her immediate response while Mal rolls her eyes.
"See they are bad and putting all of them, minus Elias, together is a recipe for disaster. Especially when you know I have no patience" she groans, letting her head fall forward to hit the desk.
"You lost rock paper scissors" Kim shrugs with no care for the girl who lifts her head again just to kill her with her eyes.
"Bitch" she grumbles making Kim gasp.
"Hey take that back!"
"No" Mal sticks her tongue out and Kim jumps to a stand. "You're the bitch" she accuses and I groan. Normally it's me and Mal arguing not her and Kim, Kim never argues but clearly the nerves of tonight are getting to her head.
"Well you look like a chipmunk with you're stuffed cheeks"
"You look like a wet dog!" Kim snaps back, both of them stalking up to each other looking ready for a cat fight before I slide between them.
"Alright ladies put the claws away" big mistake.
"Only if you put away the funeral clothes" I frown looking down at my black jeans and jumper.
"Hey what did I do?" Mal cringes but shakes away the guilt.
"Oh Iris you know she's a bitch, of course she's going to act like one" Kim taps my shoulder condescendingly and I choke on my words. I've never had to deal with this before? She's being so...mean. "That's it" Mal jumps onto me—reaching two hands out at Kim who she attempts to strangle as I'm forced to hold her back.
"I'll kill you" my second murderous friend yells before she too jumps onto me. I groan, collapsing to the floor with them both wrestling above me. I don't get paid enough for this shit, I actually don't get paid at all to be friends with these crazed women but I should, it's hard work.
"I hate you"
"I hate you more"
"I hate you both" I grumble, trying to dodge elbows and knees that go flying. After the fourth elbow/knee to the ribs I can't hold back and pull Mal's hair who had hit me the most. She responds with a slap which I return and soon enough all three of us are rolling around the room, jumping, scratching, hitting each other. Oh the joys of friendship.
We only stop when Malcolm comes barging through the door and we freeze, as if we've been caught red handed. Kim's foot is in my face, mine in Mal's ribs while Kim's hand has Mal's hair in a death grip and Mal has Kim's other arm twisted behind her back. Mal uses her second arm to put me in a chokehold and we look like crackheads fighting for the last line of coke.
"Group hug?!" Sunshine yells with a surprised, joyous smile. "No no no no!" Our refutes don't reach his ears or at least he pretends they don't as with a childish gleam he bellyflops across us. A collective grain resounds from the three of us and our limbs go limp. There are going to be a few sore heads tonight.