*Warning*
This chapter contains self harm. Please don't read it if you are at possible risk of going over the edge and harming yourself.
Self harm is extremely serious so if you are doing it, please tell someone.
I've been there before and the moment I told someone, it got so much better.
"I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,
I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,
I want to be known by you,
I want to be known by you.
Though I'm weak and beaten down,
I'll slip away into this sound,
The ghost of you is close to me,
I'm inside-out, you're underneath." -Goner, Twenty One Pilots.
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I wake to the sound of my heart monitor beeping at a steady pace. I try to sit up, but arms tighten around me and keep me down. I'm in Oli's arms, in a hospital I remind myself. Oli stirs beneath me and I watch as his legs stretch out.
"Are you awake?" I hear him whisper. I turn and face him.
"Yes." I smile. He chuckles and pecks my lips.
"How are you feeling?" He asks. I hesitate, trying to think about how I actually felt at the moment.
"Tired, angry, confused, upset, depressed, stressed, doubtful, but happy to be in your arms." I finish. He nods and kisses my forehead.
"Well, you can have some time at home to relax and get everything straight, because I'm not letting you leave the house until that shoulder is properly healed up. You can only leave my place if I'm coming with you." He tells me.
"Suits me." I laugh. He chuckles and sits up.
"You know what?" He says.
"What?" I reply.
"You being in only your underwear and bra is really turning me on." He grins. I turn around and face him, putting my legs on either side of his waist. His hands grip my thighs as he tries to pull me closer. He leans in, placing his lips on mine. My heart monitor speeds up and I feel his lips curl into a smile against mine.
"Do I always have this affect on you?" He murmurs against my mouth.
"Maybe." I says as I start kissing his neck. I bite softly on his neck and he makes a satisfied noise in his throat. My heart beat gets faster as he tilts my head back up to his and kisses me hard. He tilts his head to the side, deepening the kiss. Someone else in the room clears their throat and I pull away from our kiss abruptly. My eyes land on Ben's and he tries to suppress a smile. I quickly crawl off Oli and Oli gets off the bed, running a hand through his brown hair and rests it on his neck. I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.
"I was walking past and I heard that your heart monitor was beeping quite fast so I came in to see what was happening. Turns out you were just getting sexually excited." Ben chuckles. I glance at Oli who smirks and winks at me. I roll my eyes.
"Well, everything is fine. Um, when can I go?" I ask.
"Actually, now, if you want. Then you guys can continue at home. And Oli. Please be gentle." I let out a loud laugh and Oli chuckles. Ben grins.
"Thank you, Ben." I smile. He smiles back and u clips all the chords and tubes from my body.
"No problem. Stay safe, Amber." I hug him and he hugs me back. Oli takes my hand and we walk out of the hospital, his jacket still wrapped around me. I feel extremely self conscious as all eyes fall on my bare legs. I'm still only in my black bra and underwear. Oli notices that everyone is looking at me and scoops me into his arms and begins running as we laugh. We reach his car and he puts me down on the ground gently. He unlocks the car and we get in. Before he starts the car, he turns to face me.
"You feeling okay?" He asks. I nod.
"Yeah, I guess." I reply. He pecks my lips and then starts the car and drives towards his place.
I'm currently sitting on Oli's fake leather couch in his small apartment while reading a book he suggested I read. Throne of Glass. And all I can say at the moment is it is a freaking epic book. My legs rested over Oli's lap as he typed furiously on his phone.
"Who you texting?" I ask, putting the book down. He lets out a frustrated groan and locks his phone.
"My brother." He says, his voice dripping with annoyance. I nod.
"Is everything okay? Because you were typing the shit out of your phone."
"He wants to move in." He says simply but angrily.
"Oh."
"Yeah. I told him he can't because there's no room so now he's trying to find apartments with two bedrooms." He sighs.
"Man, sounds annoying."
"He is."
"Too bad. If he moves in, I won't be able to do this," I climb onto his lap and start kissing his neck, "when ever I want." "No, you won't." His hands settle on my butt and he starts kissing me. All of a sudden there's a knock on the door. Oli pulls away, resting his forehead on mine, and sighs, closing his eyes.
"Every goddamn time we get interrupted!" He exclaims. I shuffle off him as he stands up and walks over to the door. He opens the door and I hear him take in a sharp breath. I look towards the door and there stands a guy who looks like a clone of Oli. It's his brother.
"Bro! How are you?" Oli's brother hugs Oli. But Oli doesn't hug him back.
"Fuck off." Oli says plainly.
"Great to see you too." He grins.
"Will, get out of here." Oli says, his voice hostile. Will's eyes lock with mine and a smirk replaces his grin.
"Did I interrupt something?" He asks, jerking his head towards me and glancing at Oli.
"Ye-"
"No. You didn't." I cut Oli off. He shoots me a glare, but I keep smiling at Will. "Come in." Will grins and comes and sits next to me. Oli groans and closes the door, then sits next to me, pulling me onto his lap.
"I'm Will." Will says, holding out his hand.
"Amber." I reply, shaking his hand.
"Are you with Oli?" He asks. I look up at Oli. He hasn't actually asked me to be his girlfriend, so I'm not technically with him. A smirk creeps onto my face as I shake my head.
"No." I say simply. I feel Oli tense underneath me and his grip on our interlocked fingers tightens so much I have to jerk my hand away.
"Ah, so I have a chance." Will chuckles.
"Highly unlikely." Oli interjects before I can speak. "I've already had to beat up my best mate and her abusive ex to keep her safe. There is no way she is falling into your arms that act nice but are the jaws of death." Oli's words come out coated in venom as he spits them, glaring at Will.
"Jesus. Come down, bro. Just playing around."
"Shut the fuck up and leave." Oli hisses, standing up, making me fall onto the couch. Will stands up too and gets right up in his brother's face.
"Make me." He challenges. I slot my arms between what little space is between them and push the apart enough for me to get in the gap.
"Okay, boys, that's enough." I say. I face Oli. "Nothing's going to happen. He's joking around, just ignore him." I feel my butt slapped and turn and face Will, narrowing my eyes at him.
"And for you, you can leave now."
"Aw, babe, I was kidding around."
"The only person who gets to do that to me and call me that is Oli." I hiss.
"Woah. You're just as up tight as Oli."
"Get the fuck out." Oli and I say in unison. Will surrenders and leaves without another word. The moment Will closes the door, Oli grabs me by the waist and pulls me close to his body.
"Thank you." He says.
"Don't mention it." I smile.
"Now, where were before we were interrupted by Will? Ah, that's right, we were making out. Shall we continue?"
"Eh, I don't know. Not in the mood anymore." I shrug, teasing him.
"I can get you back in that mood." He whispers in a husky voice. "And here's how I do it." His lips find my neck and he kisses it. His fingers grip tightly onto my waist, like he's scared I'm going to run away again. I take his hands in mine, assuring him that that isn't going to happen. He puts my hands on his shoulders and his hands return to my waist. He bites my soft spot and shivers ripple throughout my body, goose bumps appearing on my skin. I lift his head to mine and kiss him. I feel him smile against my lips telling me that he still knows how to get me.
"Every time." He murmurs. I hit his arm playfully and pull away. A frown appears on his lips.
"No." He frowns. "Come back." He demands as I flop onto the couch. I shake my head and pick up my book.
"You can't do that!" He tells me. I nod my head.
"I can, and I just did." I smile. He narrows his eyes at me then lunges at me making me squeal and try to get away from him but his arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me to him. He holds my face in his hands and kisses me sloppily. I squeal and thrash about.
"Oli!" I laugh. "Oli! Stop!" I giggle.
"Nope." He says between kisses. His kisses get less and less sloppy as I start to kiss him back and soon enough we are kissing properly and it's nice. I like it a lot. I like it so much that I don't even realise what I'm doing when my hands begin pulling off Oli's top. I throw it across the room and he pulls away, a grin on his face.
"Feeling frisky, are we?" He chuckles. I giggle and pull his head back to mine, our lips touching and butterflies starting in my stomach. His hands creep under my black t-shirt and his fingers brush my skin, sending shivers and goosebumps up and down my body. He pulls my top off and throws it somewhere.
I can't get enough of his lips.
I'm under the influence of his drug.
And if it always feels this good then I want to be addicted.
I pull away and rest my forehead against his, breathing heavily.
"This has to go slow. Please. I want our first time to be not rushed and enjoyable." I tell him. He nods.
"Of course. You set the pace." He says. He goes to kiss me again but I pull back.
"Wait. Do you have protection?" I ask. He grins and gets off me, running over to his beside table and grabbing a plastic shopping bag. He pulls out a box of condoms and grins. I laugh and sit next to him on the bed.
"I got them delivered to my door." I raise an eyebrow.
"By who?"
"Cara." He chuckles.
"Oh wow." I laugh. He sets the box on the nightstand and looks at me.
"Now where were we?" He asks rhetorically. He pushes me so I'm lying down and climbs over me, his lips connecting with mine. His fingers fumble with my sweatpants chord. He finally manages to undo it and he pulls them off, throwing them onto the ground. I push him off me and onto his back, then climb on top of him. I unbutton his jeans and pull them off. He scoots up the bed so his head is resting on the pillows. He pulls back the covers and I get under with him. He hovers above me, making sure not to crush my small body under his weight. He kisses me and turns his head to deepen the kiss. His tongue traces my bottom lip, asking for entrance which I grant by parting my lips.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asks, pulling away from the kiss. I nod.
"I'm not sure about a lot of things in my life at the moment, but this is one thing that I am one-hundred percent sure about." I tell him. "I'm ready."
"I love you," He pauses, looking deep into my eyes. "God, I love you so much and I am so lucky to finally have you in my arms. There is no way I'm going to fuck this up. Not now. Not ever."
"I love you too." I reply. He grins and kisses me hard.
"Are you... ready enough?" He asks. I nod slowly. He manages to unclip my bra and throws it on the ground. He kisses me but I pull away.
"Is everything okay?" He asks, worry filling his eyes. I nod and close my eyes, letting out a long breath.
"I've just never done it slowly, like with any meaning. Dylan just rushed it and it never meant anything. He hurt me while doing it."
"It's okay. If anything feels wrong, just tell me to stop. Please." I nod. "I'm not going to hurt you or make you uncomfortable."
"Thank you." I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. He starts kissing my neck and I take in a deep breath of his warm scent. He smells like vanilla and some sort of deodorant. His bare warm skin against mine makes me shiver. I feel like maybe things could get better. At least I have one person to live for. His fingers brush the inside of my thigh and I draw in a sharp breath.
I think things are about to get a whole lot better.
~•~
I look at myself in the mirror. My grey-blue eyes are a tiny bit brighter. My hands are on the edge of the sink, supporting me as my eyes dart all over the mirror, looking at the fading bruise over my left eye, the small scar on my lip from when Dylan had busted my lip, my nose piercing that I got at the exact time as Mac. There's a small knock on the door and I snap out of my thoughts that were about to trail off into depressing thoughts. The door slides open to reveal a smiling, shirtless Oli. He stands behind me, his arms wrapping around my waist as he looks at me through mirror. He rests his chin on my shoulder and grins at me. I chuckle and turn and face him.
"What are you grinning about?" I ask with a smile.
"I've got a girl, that I love, in only short bike shorts and an oversized t-shirt in my arms. What's not to grin about?" He chuckles. "Not to mention I just had the best moment of my life with her." I smile and peck his lips.
"I love you." I say. He smirks.
"I love you too. I'm gonna quickly go out and grab a few groceries, do you want to come?" I hesitate before shaking my head.
"Nah, I'll stay here."
"Okay, babe. Do you want anything?" He asks, kissing my neck.
"I don't think so. Maybe just grab some salt and vinegar chips."
"Will do. See you in a bit." He places one last kiss on my lips before letting me go and leaving the apartment. I turn back to the mirror and stare into my own eyes. Everything floods into my mind.
"Mac's not here anymore. Your best friend is dead because he killed himself thigh guilt of what he did. He was involved in the death of your brother. Who was also like your best friend. He was in love with a gorgeous woman. He died at the age of 19. What the fuck. And you. Well, you're already dead. Aren't you. Inside, everything is screaming for you to end this shit. So why don't you? Grab a knife and slit your throat. Or climb to the roof of this apartment block and jump off." I tell myself. "These nothing for you anymore. Mac killed himself because you were too harsh on him. Your brother is probably ashamed of you. Dylan had every right to hurt you. He probably knew that you were going to be this mean which is why he did it. And Oli? He can live without me. Just leave him a note. He'll understand." Tears brim my eyes and fall down my cheeks. Something inside me breaks.
(*Self-harm coming up*)
I walk out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where I find a kitchen knife that is extremely sharp. I walk back into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror. I hold the knife firmly in my shaking hands and press the point to the skin on my wrist. I press harder and it breaks the skin. I drag it across and a stinging sensation occurs. Blood seeps out of the cut and I let it run along my skin and fall onto the white tile of Oli's bathroom floor. Tears flow down my cheeks and I sob. I make another 15 marks like the first one on my left wrist and do the same amount on my right wrist. I stare at my bleeding wrists and let the knife clatter to the ground. I sink to my knees and cry, blood dropping on the tiles and on my legs. I hear the apartment door open.
"I forgot my wallet." He calls out. I don't reply. Instead I let out a loud sob.
"Amber? Is that you?" He asks softly. I'm pretty sure he notices the drawer in the kitchen is open. He runs to the bathroom and freezes when he sees me sitting on the ground covered in my blood and tears.
"Amber!" He exclaims. "Shit! Babe! What's going on?" He crouches next to me and pulls me into his arms gently, being careful of my cuts and also my shoulder.
"I c-couldn't take it any-anymore." I manage to choke out. "It hurts..."
"Amber, no, baby, I'm the one who you're supposed to talk about everything to." I shake my head.
"I-if I did, th-then you c-could bec-come depressed." I stutter out, all of a sudden feeling extremely cold. He holds me closer to him.
"No, never." He kisses the top of my head. "Now let's get you cleaned up." He says quietly, helping me stand. He helps me step into the bath where he puts in the plug and turns on the hot water. He balances it perfectly with the cold and waits till the bath is half full before he turns off the water. He looks at me. I just stare at the knife, thats blade is covered in my blood, on the ground.
"I'm sorry." I say in a whisper, meeting his gaze. He shakes his head and smiles softly.
"Don't apologise. You're fine now, just put it behind you." He says. I smile weakly back and lifts my arms up as he pulls off my top, leaving me in my bra and bike shorts. I wait till the cuts have stopped bleeding before putting my arms in the water. The hot water stings the cuts and I watch as the dry blood swirls in the water.
"Amber don't ever do that again. Okay?" He finally says, breaking the silence. I hesitate and look up at him.
"I don't-"
"No. Don't say you don't know if you can. You won't and if you do, I will have to bring a councillors attention to it. Do you understand?" I blink a few times before nodding. I notice he's cleaned up the blood on the floor. The knife sits on the side of the sink. He takes my arms and looks at the marks on my wrists. He puts my wrists underwater and runs his thumbs over them gently, cleaning the dry blood from them. His eyes lock with mine and he leans forward, placing his lips on mine. I kiss him back and everything fades away. I wish I could kiss him forever so I never had to return back to reality. But when he pulls away, I dragged back to the real world.
"Feel better?" He asks. I open my eyes and rest my forehead against his.
"A tiny bit." I reply.
"It's 8 pm, do you wanna just sit on the couch and watch TV? I can order Chinese takeout?" He offers. I nod and pull the plug in the bath. I watch as the blood tinted water slowly drains out of the bath. I stand up, with help from Oli and step onto the fluffy bath mat. He wraps a big towel around me and holds me close to him.
"I love you. And the fact that you hurt yourself, kills me." He whispers, kissing the top of my head.
"I love you too." I reply.
"Let's get you into some trackies and a different t-shirt." He tells me. I let him take my towel off me and watch as he crouches in front of me. His fingers trail up my legs until they reach the waistband of my shorts. He doesn't break eye contact from me as he pulls them down slowly. I step out of them and he stands up, placing them into the sink along with my bloody t-shirt. He presses me against him and kisses me.
"I'm do sorry I didn't protect you better." He whispers. I shake my head and close my eyes, resting my head on his hard, muscly chest.
"Please don't say sorry." I clench my jaw. He sighs.
"Well, please don't hurt yourself again."
"I'll try not to."
"It's your fate, you decide what happens."
"The is no such thing as fate." I hiss, looking up into his eyes. He closes his eyes and wraps the towel around me again.
"C'mon. Just get dressed and then we can put on a movie or two." I just nod and let him lead me out of the bathroom. I sit on the bed and he hands me a pair of dry underwear, black trackies and my The 1975 tour t-shirt. I put them all on and go bra free. Oli sits on the couch and I curl up next to him, resting my head on a pillow on his lap. He strokes my hair as he flicks through all the movies in Netflix. We settle for Taken.
I must've drifted off halfway through after eating dinner, because I wake the next morning stiff from sleeping uncomfortably on the couch. I then remember what the day is and butterflies erupt in my stomach. It's Saturday. The day of Mac's funeral.
I don't even notice that Oli is making breakfast, I'm just dreading the day ahead.