Spain Vs England, Brighton, 21st July 2022
I was watching Leah play, probably, one of the biggest matches of her career. Except, I couldn't focus on that. I couldn't focus on her ball skill, or the wonder goal Georgia Stanway scored to give England the lead. I couldn't focus on Ella Toone's equaliser, or the sadness and regret that pierced the faces of the Spanish players once they lost.
All I had running through my stomach was regret. Do I tell her? Do I come clean to Leah? She deserves it, right?
But, it would ruin absolutely everything. It would jeopardise everything that I had tried to build, and move away from. I just had to hope that Ellie wasn't going to say anything to anyone else, otherwise that would be both our downfalls.
Earlier
It was just Ellie...
It was just Ellie...
She came into my apartment, sitting down on the couch that I had bought once I moved over from Lyon. I didn't take much of our stuff with me... our stuff. Everything that I had had, Ellie had had. Everything I had bought was Ellie's as well. I sometimes forget how irrevocably Ellie and I were intertwined. It was her and me. Yin and Yang. Introvert and extrovert; sometimes it was hard to tell who was who, but it was always there. Beating through the very chests we breathe out of.
I guess you could say that I...
"I've missed you," Ellie then said, cutting off my thoughts.
"Well, I've missed you too." I passed her the cocktail I had quickly whipped up: it was simple, ginger beer, vodka and lime. My favourite, and hers.
"Moscow mule," Ellie said, smiling. "You remembered?"
"Well, I mean-" I didn't want to say 'of course' because that felt so personal. So, true.
"Sorry, I know. I remember our first time getting drunk," Ellie then said, moving the conversation on from awkwardness to childhood memories.
"Oh my god, yeah," I laughed, taking a sip of my drink.
"I'm glad we have moved on from that era," she joked.
"Well, the experience was fun, right?" I laughed.
"Yes, it was, but getting stranded on the rocks at Bronte Beach half drunk was not..." ellie replied, and at this point, we were both cracking up.
"Oh my god, and that one girl had to fully go to the hospital," I added, laughing.
"I honestly don't even remember her name," Ellie responded.
"I think we were both too drunk."
"So true."
"But we had fun," I added. That day was the first time Ellie and I ever kissed. We both didn't know what it meant, especially as we were drunk. We were only young, but after a little while of 'getting drunk and deciding to randomly kiss' we both knew. It was inevitable.
"That we did."
We continued on the couch, just chatting away like we normally would've prior to our break up, and even prior to our relationship when we were only young teenagers. Her company brought something out within me: a spark.
"I have something to admit," Ellie soon said, taking a sip of her drink. We weren't drunk, but we were both starting to feel the alcohol lighting up our stomachs.
"What?" I said, nervously.
"I lied to you."
"What about?" I asked, confused, which was clearly printed on my face.
"I knew Eden was in Europe." That was not what I expected.
"You did?" I asked, not mad but confused.
"I saw her at the game at the end of last season. She was the physio for Wolfsburg, and..."
"Ellie-"
"No, no. I should've said something to you, but by the time I decided to, you had already left the country, and were- I honestly have no idea where you were. And then you didn't come to the Asian Cup, and then you left the team, and-"
"Ellie!" I nearly shouted, trying to get her to shut up.
"I'm sorry," she then said, sincerely.
"It's okay. I knew."
"You did?" Ellie asked, confused.
"Yep."
"All this time?"
"No, no," I said, honestly. "I was in hospital, watching your game. Then, a few hours later, Jill had to go to the hospital because she was injured, I'm pretty sure, and Eden was there. And I saw her. It was pure and utter luck really."
"Holy shit, did you-"
"Tell anyone? No, I didn't."
"Not even Finn?" Ellie asked, and at this moment, I realised I was the villain. I'm the villain of this story.
"Not even Finn..."
"Tippah- I- that's- each to their own." Ellie looked disappointed.
"I just- Ells, after so long, I didn't want to break her trust. I had finally got through to her. I got her to that wedding." Ellie's face lightened slightly once I had told her that.
"I can understand that. But Finn, he was always so- he was so devastated everyday Eden didn't come home," Ellie added, and I nodded. He was. He felt the wrath of pain of Eden's departure everyday until she returned for his wedding.
"Yeah, but now, now she is home. Sorta. I'm not really talking to many of them, to be honest."
"That's not unusual for you," Ellie laughed, and I smiled. She knew. She knew that was just how I was with my family. I would not talk to them for a long time; not because I didn't love them but because I didn't connect to them. I always felt so different to Bindi, Darcy, even Mum. Finn, I loved more than life, and while Eden was around, she was the same. Ellie never pushed me with my family. She knew it was difficult, and different. Maybe it was easy for her to do that because she essentially grew up with me; we grew up together. I wasn't sure, but- but it was definitely nice to not feel bombarded.
"I guess it isn't," I smiled.
I poured another Moscow Mule for both of us, and we downed that one quicker than the one previous. She started ranting about the ACL, and I felt my heart hurt.
"You think you'll be back?" I asked.
"I know I will," she said, confidently.
"I'm glad," I replied.
"I'm not missing out on that world cup," she said. "I won't do that." I took another sip of my drink, hoping for all her heart and my own that that will be true.
"Good, cause we need you."
"I just- I honestly think this is our best opportunity to win it, you know. Like, the next cycle is going to look so different; our team is going to look so different."
"That's true," I replied.
"And- and we need to win something."
"Couldn't agree more," I answered.
Once my brain was where I liked it, loose and knowledge-less, I started being more confident, asking the questions sober Tippah would never have asked.
"What went wrong?" I asked her.
"With what?" Ellie asked, pretty wasted as well.
"Us..."
"Oh, that."
"Sorry, I'm so drunk," I laughed, sitting on the ground, my back leaning against the couch. Somehow, within the time of my first drink and most recent one, I had migrated from the couch to the ground, and I don't complain. Sometimes I think better on the ground.
"Same," she laughed. "But, Tipp, what went wrong? Let's think about it together," she laughed.
"Alrighty," I responded.
"Firstly, these things right here," Ellie said, gesturing to the drinks in both our hands, "were probably not the healthiest items to keep a relationship strong."
"Fair point," I answered.
"Secondly, we were 14 when we got together."
"I was 15..." I replied, laughing.
"Well, you know what I mean. Like, so young. A relationship you get into when you're 14 isn't supposed to last forever."
"I guess..."
"And lastly..."
"Make this a good one," I joked.
"And lastly, Tipp, you're so fucked up." I nearly spit out my drink.
"Huh?" I said, trying to contain my laughter as Ellie's smirk slipped through her lips.
"You just are." We were both trying to hold in our laughter. "Like think about it: abusive father? Check. Long lost sister? Check. Bitches for sisters? Check. You're the whole package."
"You're so fucking right. I am fucked."
"Yep, but don't worry, I am too. And that's the problem. Two fucks don't make a right. Two bads don't ever make good." I knew she was right, but I didn't want it to be true.
"I guess..."
"You're also stubborn," Ellie added.
"Hey! I'm not."
"And that's exactly what a stubborn person would say." That soon shut me up.
"Okay," I then started to say. "Let me rephrase my question then: what went right? Why were we together for six years then?"
"Seven," Ellie corrected me. "We were together for seven years." I knew that. Why did I say differently?
"Right, yeah, seven years."
"But to answer your question," Ellie then said, moving it along. "A lot went right, my gir-" she stopped talking. She would always call me that: 'my girl'. It still felt right, but we both knew it shouldn't.
"Like what?" I asked.
"Well, there was a connection, I guess. We grew up together, we knew how the other worked, with all their quirks and weirdness." I smiled. "You understood my family, and I tried so hard to understand yours." I laughed. "You pushed me, and I pushed you, although the school thing- you tried your best but it was never going to work." I chuckled.
"I did really try," I responded.
"Not everyone is meant for school," Ellie responded.
"You're smart, Ells," I interjected.
"Not as smart as you," she answered.
"Its not a competition," I then said.
"But it is... literally it is." Touche. "But, moving back to the point, I guess, what worked was that we understood each other. Don't you agree?"
"Yeah, I agree," I smiled, looking deeply into her eyes. There was something there; there was no denying it. But we both had to. We had to deny it, right?
It was getting late. The clock started to switch over to the new day, and as Ellie looked at her phone, she realised the same thing.
"I should go," she said, standing up, and then sitting back down straight away.
"Just crash on the couch," I said. "It'll not be worth it in the morning." She chuckled, and nodded her head. I soon stood up, walking into my room.
"Tipp!" Ellie called.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Can I borrow a shirt?" I nodded my head, going into my wardrobe to find some sleeping shirt that hadn't been worn recently.
"Here," I said, passing her an Arsenal jersey. I did it on purpose, but told her otherwise.
"Really?" she asked.
"Well, it's clean." She smiled, taking it off me and I headed back to my room. As I sat on my bed, I saw, through the reflection of a mirror, Ellie. She was looking at the ceiling, laying on the couch, just thinking. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I had to fight every urge in my body to not go out there to her; to not continue the conversation that made me feel safe, and whole, and happy.
I distracted myself. I grabbed my flask, taking a swipe, before putting my pyjamas on and getting into bed.
2:04am - go to sleep.
2:59am - go to fucking sleep.
3:41am - why am I still awake.
4:21am - I swear to god I need to-
But my thoughts were cut off. I played asleep, as I felt a body come into the bed. I didn't move, and instead lay completely still, waiting to see what would happen.
"Tipp?" Ellie said softly. "Are you awake?"
"Yeah..." I said, after a few seconds of thinking about my answer.
"I couldn't sleep," she said.
"I can tell," I laughed. I moved closer to her, placing a hand on her cheek. I didn't even think about what I was doing, as it all felt so normal. It felt as if we were 19 again, living in Portland, or 21 in Lyon, or 17 in Canberra.
"Tipp... what are we doing?" she asked, softly.
"Nothing," I replied, leaning my forehead against hers.
"This doesn't feel like nothing."
"We can stop if you want," I answered. She didn't reply. She didn't move. She didn't flinch. I kissed her forehead, holding Ellie in my arms, and we slept. All we did was sleep... I think.
I woke up the next morning, with my bed empty, and my apartment Ellie-less.
Fuck.
I checked my calendar: 21st July. Spain vs England.
Fuck.
Leah.
I messaged Ellie.
Tippah: what the fuck happened last night... i dont remember fucking anything.
I didn't have a response straight away, and as I paced my apartment, I thought of as many excuses as I possibly could. Then my phone buzzed.
Ellie: so lets leave it that way then
Fuck.
Leah.
Fuck.
note:
- after some thinking and actual planning, we r back on track girlie pops <3
- anyways hows life? currently uni is swamping me but yk live laugh love