CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
CLINT THE MONSTER (AKA THE ONE WHERE WE GET SOME PLOT)
(AKA THE RETURN OF THE BLUE)
"UNO!"
"Damn you, you wretched witch!! I shall have my revenge one day!" Clint slammed his cards on the table and then waved his fist in the air aggressively.
Peter cackled, a new habit he'd learned from Lucifer, and took his winnings. Yes, he took all 50 boxes of Kinder.
Unlike the uncultured fool, Lucifer calmly put her cards on the table and patted Peter on the back, "Well done. The blood sacrifice from last night was a success."
It says a lot about how no one reacted to that sentence. They need to get rid of the demon asap. Like yesterday asap.
Peter preened at the attention. The night before he'd stolen one of the goats in the toy shop and sacrificed the plushie for a successful game of Uno. Rest in peace plushie.
(His win had nothing to do with Clint waking up in the middle of the night when he felt Lucky, his beloved service dog, getting up to greet the hissing devil in the middle of the room who then threatened to drink his secret stash of coffee if he didn't let Peter win at Uno. No. It was definitely the sacrifice.)
Lucifer hissed at Clint behind Peter's back and got the middle finger in return.
"You got lucky kid, beginners luck or something—"
"—I've played Uno before—"
"—because ask anyone and you'll know I'm the champion of TAUT."
"The what?"
"The annual Uno tournament."
"Wait for real? It's like- it's like a real thing?"
"Yeah, and I've been undefeated for the past 20 years or so."
Lucifer snorted, "They let you win because you look pathetic when you lose and start sobbing in the middle of the tournament."
Clint took out his pink plastic bow and aimed the heart shaped arrow at the devil, "TAKE THAT BACK YOU SICK BASTARD!"
The devil's eyes glowed red as she growled, "You're not even mentally mature to accept the truths even if they hit you in the face repeatedly! And yet you speak of things you have no knowledge of!"
Wait, how's that related? What did he even say?
Clint threw his head back and did an evil laugh —his classes with Magneto were paying off— and then glared at his enemy, "You fool! Do you have any idea how many people I've killed? How many souls I've stolen? I AM THE MASTER OF UNO! I RULE THIS UNIVERSE!"
Peter looked between the two, he was as confused as the author.
And then Clint released his secret weapon, the one he's been holding back for a very long time. It was eight special words.
"THIS IS WHY YOUR DAD DOESNT LOVE YOU!"
Gasps!
Blasphemous!!
Betrayal!!!
Lucifer took a step back as if she's been physically hit.
"You...you monster."
Peter was by her side immediately, patting the pouting devil on the back as she hid her face in her hands, dramatically sobbing without a single tear.
"Clint you're an absolute monster! It's okay Luci, he didn't mean it."
What the absolute fucking hell was going on? This chapter was supposed to get some actual plot. All we've achieved so far is basically bullshit.
As if summoned by the previous statement, the building suddenly shock making the occupants grab the nearest thing to steady themselves. Peter was held by Lucifer while Clint decided to hug the ground. (Auto wanted to say hug the devil, it ships ClintxLucifer.)
"Grab the child," Lucifer told Clint, looking around with narrowed eyes, daring whatever was doing this to show itself.
Clint grabbed Peter by his neck like a little kitten and then kinda somehow mysteriously for plot reasons they were inside the vents. He had his arrow ready and aimed down, waiting for the signal or whatever to shot anyone.
Lucifer stood still in the middle of the room.
What a time for the Avengers-Clint to go on a mission.
As all bad guys go to the same villainary school, they have the same tricks. So obviously the lights went out for a few seconds and when they appeared again, there was a silhouette.
The two eyes each other, assessing the threat but it was the intruder that made the first move.
Clint knew who they were dealing with and if it was anyone but Lucifer dealing with this threat, he'd be worried but fuck the Russian spy asshole, Lucifer was gonna fuck this dude up.
In an unepic battle that lasted for all 20 seconds —Lucifer fixed her hair — suddenly they now had a Russian assassin passed out on their floor.
I know, very disappointing. First battle scene and it's not even a battle. Shame on overpowered characters and their powers!!
Clint shot the assassin with his plastic bow. He groaned. Clint ran to the kitchen and came back with a cooking pan. Peter sympathized with the assassin.
"Get fucked Winter."
Lucifer rolled her eyes, "I did all the work. You hid behind the child like a coward."
"I did not! If it wasn't for my terrifying aura and my mighty bow it would be you on the ground."
"I am so close to just tearing out your throat your nasty unfunny short man!"
"TAKE THAT BACK—!"
And they were off again.
Tony came back to his tower mostly intact, the Winter Soldier in a holding cell, Peter eating tacos, Clint not around, and Lucifer suspiciously trying to hide a red substance on the floor.
He can't wait to retire.
BONJOURR MA DUDESSSSSS
IVE MISSED YOU
Is anyone even reading this anymore? I don't blame you.
Anyways, I was feeling like writing and in my marvel mood so here. Have this none sense. Make something out of it.
I wrote uno 2 months ago in this chapter and nothing else, so today I just had to role w it. Thanks past me.
Bye. See u next year. Muah.