001
an episode of survivor
Everyone died, eventually.
It was the only guarantee they had in life. But in the Outer Banks, Kooks liked to delude themselves into thinking they were immortal.
Sitting in their velvet, cushioned chairs, feasting on the most delicious, and expensive of meats, twiddling their thumbs as they ignored the inevitable. They thought because they had money, they were automatically saved.
They tried their luck to stay young, using medications the doctors prescribed and creams to fight the superficial effects of wrinkling, dimpling, and aging. But there was no cream to stop death, no treatment or procedure to cure mortality.
Death as well as Truth. To know Truth was like meeting Death himself. Bianca's truth was that she was a murderer. A killer. And as much as she tried to escape it, no one can ever truly outrun Death.
One month.
Thirty-two days to be exact. At least, that's what the little strikes of chalk on the cave wall told Bianca. It had been thirty-two days of eating coconuts, foraging for berries, and singing Kumbaya around the bonfire as if they weren't trapped on this god-forsaken island.
"Hold still."
"What?" Bianca's eyes widened, her heart pounding against her ribcage. "What is it?"
"Wait, don't move," Sarah warned. She slowly rose to her feet, careful not to make any sudden movements, "There's a bug in your hair."
"What!?" Bianca flinched. She debated between screaming her lungs out and running in circles or staying dead still. The latter won.
"Shh!" Sarah chastised, rolling her eyes at how dramatic her best friend was. For a girl who spent a month on a deserted island, she sure didn't act like it.
"Ew, ew, ew, ew— Sarah get it out," Bianca squeezed her eyes shut. "Get it out, please–"
"Will you shut up? Oh my god," Sarah scoffed and flicked the little black beetle away before returning to her spot in the sand. "You're worse than John B when he got stung by that bee."
"Hey!" John B whined as he slowly returned to the small cave the Pogues found on their first day on the island. In his arms were long branches of wood collected for their bonfire tonight, "I heard that."
"You were supposed to," Sarah arched a playful eyebrow.
Bianca huffed, watching the black beetle scuttle away until John B carelessly dropped the logs on top of their pile of firewood and coconuts. One of the coconuts got knocked away and rolled toward the girl who pushed it back in its place.
"Watch it, JB," Bianca scowled. Typically, she loved coconuts, especially when they came with straws and a little cocktail umbrella. But after the past month, the sight of them made her want to burn all the palm trees on the entire island down.
"My bad," The Routledge boy raised his arms in surrender. He joined the two girls underneath their makeshift shelter from the sweltering heat.
It was made of palm leaves they weaved together. Even now, Sarah continued twisting and knotting the leaflets to use as bedding so the Pogues no longer needed to sleep on the sand.
Bianca had to hand it to the Pogues, they certainly were resourceful. The years of taking care of themselves paid off in more ways than one.
Above the cave was a large palm tree, casting a shadow in front of them, and right at the very top was a flag, made of white cloth. On the front was a chicken in a coconut bra and crocs while smoking a joint that JJ drew with leftover soot from their bonfires.
The Pogues hung up a clothesline to wash and dry their clothes using some old string from the Zodiac— the life raft used to flee the Coastal Venture. They broke apart coconuts and scraped out the flesh to use as bowls for mixing up berries and herbs Kiara found to be edible. They piled driftwood to block out the wind and weather at times. Pope even managed to make up a checkerboard using a couple of dried-up, dead sea urchins by scraping the spines off to pass time.
JJ's vision of Poguelandia was certainly coming together. Bianca had to admit, in another life, and maybe if she wasn't born a Kook, she really would consider this paradise on earth.
But till then, Bianca hated this stupid island. She might've chosen the Pogue life but she sure as hell wasn't made for it.
"I feel like I'm on an episode of Survivor," Bianca scoffed, returning to weaving her net together.
"You've never even watched an episode of Survivor before," Sarah smiled in amusement without glancing up.
"Yes, but if I did, this is what I imagine it would be like," Bianca huffed a tendril of her overgrown bangs out of her hair. She really needed a haircut.
John B's eyebrows furrowed, hovering behind the girl. He craned his neck with curiosity as she tied another knot and threaded each piece together, "B, I think if you were on an episode of Survivor, you'd get voted out first."
"I think if you were on an episode of Survivor, I'd throw a coconut at your head, and then voila," Bianca narrowed her eyes. "Problem solved."
John B placed a hand to his chest, feigning offense, "I'm sensing a lot of hatred from that side of the cave," He gestured to where Bianca sat. "See, Sarah? I'm not the problem."
"You're always the problem," She bit back, tying the knots a little more forcefully.
"Alright, enough," Sarah sighed in exasperation. "I'm tired of hearing you argue all day. Just hug it out or something."
"I'd rather step on a Stone Fish," John B snorted and plopped himself down on the sand beside Bianca.
"Good, maybe then you'll finally roll over and-"
"B!" The blonde girl snapped, sending a pointed look her way. The two had been going at it ever since they arrived on the island and somehow, Sarah always had to break them up.
One day, they even went as far as drawing a line in the sand and claiming each side was their own part of the island which the other couldn't cross. However, that only lasted a couple of hours until John B realized he picked the side without the coconuts. It wasn't long before he succumbed to his growling stomach.
They were acting like children and Sarah could hardly stand it, especially when there was danger lurking around every corner. They needed to be vigilant, now more than ever.
Bianca shared an amused look with John B who bumped shoulders with her. As annoying as he was, he'd always be a sort-of brother to Bianca and as insufferable as she was, John B vowed to always look out for her.
"So, tell me," John B cleared his throat, watching Bianca work. "How'd a Kook learn to make a fishing net?"
Bianca glared at him, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Dunno," He rubbed the growing stubble on his jaw. "I just mean, like- I thought you'd be too afraid to break a nail or something."
"John B," Sarah warned and dropped the palm leaf she was holding, prepared to break up yet another argument.
"What? It's true," The boy protested in defense.
"Well, I've already broken several nails on this island," Bianca's mood dampened at the thought of getting a manicure at the nail salon. Those times felt so far away now, "What's one more?"
"I don't think even JJ knows how to make a net," John B peered over her shoulder. "My dad used to take us fishing with spear guns. JJ almost shot my toe off once."
Bianca stifled a smile at that, "Sarah and I used to make friendship bracelets out of all kinds of things," She shrugged and held up the finished net for him to see. "It's not that different. Just takes a little trial and error."
Sarah tilted her head, reminiscing of the days when they used to scour the beach for shells, sea glass, and all kinds of trinkets to make jewelry with. She'd do anything to be that carefree and naive again.
The blonde shook her head to rid herself of the memories. There was no point in dwelling on the past. Instead, she got to her feet, dusted the sand off her legs, and went to go collect another palm leaf. Before she could get far, however, a glint in the horizon caught her eye.
"John B!" Sarah glanced over her shoulder at the two still arguing and dropped the palm leaf in her hands. "Bianca!"
"Yeah?" John B jogged up to the girl, joining her in staring out into the open ocean. "What's up?"
"Do you see that?"
"See what?"
Bianca shielded her eyes from the sun to see what the commotion was about. She surveyed the tides caressing the shore, glinting sunlight off the azure crests but other than that, she saw nothing.
"That boat," Sarah's voice died in her throat.
"Boat, where?" John B perked up but after a moment of studying the horizon, his shoulders sagged.
"Right there, eleven o'clock," Sarah protested and pointed ahead. She sounded so sure and turned back to John B with a hopeful glint in her eyes. "Just under the horizon."
"...I think it's just the whitecaps on the reef," John B tried to explain.
Bianca's frown deepened. Maybe, Sarah was just paranoid about Ward coming back to finish the job or the heat was finally getting to her but there was no boat coming to save them. It wasn't the first time this happened either.
Bianca didn't blame her though, they all had their fair share of mirages on this island. Staring at the horizon for hours did weird things to the brain like making you see things that weren't really there.
"You don't know that, it's right there," Sarah shook her head fervently. "I see it."
"Sarah- Sarah," John B wound his arms around her shoulders, pressing her back to his chest. "Hey, hey-"
"What if it's..."
"No, it's... it's- it's not your dad. It's not your brother, okay?" John B pursed his lips. "I promise."
At the mention of Rafe, Bianca swallowed thickly, eyes flickering down to the sand. Her heart dropped in her chest, trying to distract herself from the memory of what they did.
Down here, on the island, it was easier to pretend like she wasn't a murderer. Like her father's body wasn't floating out there in the open ocean, waiting to turn up on shore like a beached whale, all bloated and blue.
It was easier to distract herself in the daylight by making sure everything was well-oiled and running. It was easier to help Pope and Cleo forage for berries, watch Kiara and JJ hunt for food, or collect coconuts and driftwood with Sarah and John B. All of it was easier than facing the truth.
That each day, a summer breeze between the palm leaves kept urging her; Die with me. Her grief was horribly discreet but persistent and almost as silent as bleeding from an unstitched wound.
Part of Bianca felt as though her life ended the day she fired the bullet that pierced her father's heart. Everything was changing colors.
After John B and Sarah supposedly died, it was a vengeful scarlet. Now, it was just shades of grey. Sometimes the grey darkened like heavy storm clouds, and other times, like now, when she was just sitting on the summer sand with her friends, it was a mere wisp of smoke. But always monochrome.
"No, I'm sure," Sarah's gaze was trained on the whitecaps as if a boat would suddenly appear.
"Trust me," John B placed a kiss on her temple. "It's okay."
Swallowing down the lump in her throat, Bianca shakily rose to her feet, "Um, I'm gonna go check on Kie and JJ," She dusted the sand off her knees and attempted to lighten the mood. "Lesson learned; don't trust JJ with sharp objects."
Sarah didn't turn around but John B sent her a knowing nod, grateful to have the time alone. Bianca picked up the net and headed down to the end of the beach where she could make out JJ and Kiara's figures holding long spear-like sticks. They were surrounded by rocks in a calmer area of the shore where seaweed tended to wash up and the fish swam in shallow water.
By the time she reached them, it seemed their aimless stabbing finally paid off because she could hear JJ cheering, "You did it! We're having skate tonight!"
"Oh my god!" Kiara cried breathlessly, holding up a flat, bloodied fish at the end of her spear. "Oh, shit! Yes!"
"Full Pogue!" JJ whooped, taking the spear from her. "That's food in our bellies right there!"
Bianca neared them, wading through the water while the two celebrated. The sight of her boyfriend, a little sunburnt on the nose, his hair grown out to the base of his neck, and the widest grin on his face, made her heart flutter. He seemed so content with himself and his life on this island, Bianca almost forgot about her troubles just watching him.
The sound of the gentle waves lapping at her feet drew JJ away and when he turned to Bianca, his smile widened, if that were even possible, "B! B, hey, look what Kie nabbed! Holy shit-"
He bounded up to her and Bianca tried to shield herself from the water he splashed everywhere while doing so. A small laugh slipped past her lips when the boy proudly presented the fish to her, like some barbaric, caveman offering.
"Wow, I'm impressed, Kie," Bianca hummed, her feet slowly sinking into the cold sand.
"Thank you, m'lady," Kiara joked in a British accent, pretending to curtsey before clearing her throat. "I- uh, I don't know why I'm talking like that."
"Woah, wait-" JJ's eyebrows furrowed as he slowed to a stop, still holding the speared skate. He nodded toward the rope in her hands, "What's that?"
"A net," Bianca spoke simply, opening it up for them to see. "To catch fish."
"But we made spears..." JJ's shoulder's sagged a little. "To- to spear fish."
Bianca tilted her head, a small smile on her lips, "Here," She treaded calf-deep into the water. "Think smarter, not harder."
"Be careful, B!" Kiara called as Bianca glanced over her shoulder, shooting her a reassuring smile.
JJ stopped to watch as well, narrowing his eyes in disbelief. It was as if he didn't think she could do it and his lack of faith made Bianca even more determined to prove him wrong. Screw JJ and John B, she was more than capable of taking her of herself, deserted island or not.
The water was cool, which was a relief from the afternoon sun relentlessly beating down on them. The waves softly pushed the girl back but she continued ahead. The net dragged behind her, floating in the saltwater, waiting to be used. Only then did Bianca realize she literally had no idea how to catch a fish.
"This is so stupid," Bianca mumbled under her breath as she unraveled the net. "What the hell am I doing?"
It was strange. A couple of months ago, Bianca had been nothing but a child resting on silk pillowcases, doing face masks with her lavender-scented diffuser, rearranging her designer handbags, and eating caviar as a mere snack. But now, she was catching fish with a net and her bare hands, wearing the same ratty old outfit for over a month and sleeping on the sand. Everything changed so drastically and although at times it was hard, she tried to remember it was for the better.
A small fish darted quickly in front of her and returned to the school it swam with, drawing Bianca out of her thoughts. The nutrients of the ocean seemed to be rich, considering it was untouched by humans, so it was easier for fish to live near the shore. The girl didn't even have to swim far out to catch any.
She could feel JJ and Kiara's eyes on her, waiting to see what she was planning to do next. Oh, that was right- apparently, she was going to have to show them how to do something she had literally zero knowledge about.
In the clear water, which was now at her thighs, rendering her bike shorts wet, a very small school of silver-colored fish abruptly passed by. Bianca's idleness suddenly skyrocketed into excitement when she realized there was a chance for her to get a lucky catch.
Without a moment's hesitation, she plunged her hands into the water with the open net and trapped the fish inside. A few fortunate ones managed to swim away, but the rest started to flurry around the rope.
"Oh my god-" Bianca yelped in joy, only to get splashed in the mouth.
Without meaning to, she accidentally swallowed a little bit of seawater, filling the buds of her tongue with the salty sensation. Horrified, Bianca immediately began to cough it all out.
In the chaos of trying not to let go of the net, the tides splashed more ocean water all over her. Now, she was most definitely soaked all over, "Ew," Bianca whined.
The fish began flopping around desperately in a weird, slimy little way. They were looking for a breath of salt water, which of course was never going to touch their gills ever again. Seeing them flop around made her feel somewhat bad for them, which was ridiculous since they were just fish. But it seemed as if everything made her overly emotional these days.
What Bianca stopped realizing was because she felt everything so intensely, ultimately, she felt nothing at all. Everything registered at the same decibel so the death of a roach... could seem as tragic as the death of her own father.
"Did you catch anything?" JJ called from behind her, craning his neck to see.
Bianca ignored him, a lump forming in her throat, and averted her eyes. She merely held up the net to show him what she caught and immediately, JJ and Kiara erupted into another round of cheers.
Bianca was desperate to celebrate her first big catch with them but she couldn't. Not anymore. Not when the wedding ring around her neck pressed against her chest so heavily she struggled to breathe.
She was alive when He was not. Here she was, laughing and giggling like nothing was wrong when He was dead. He was dead and she killed him and it was her fault.
It felt like all the restless nights finally caught up to her and her arms felt too heavy to hold anything. Her feet against the sand were lead, cemented to the bottom of the ocean and she sunk deeper, and deeper with every miserable thought.
They came like this, in sporadic waves. One moment, Bianca would be laughing along with her friends without a worry in the world. But in the next, guilt would claw at her insides, tormenting her with a reminder she wasn't allowed to be happy, or carefree after the sins she committed. She didn't deserve to be.
JJ and Kiara sprinted over to her and before she knew it, the blond boy was taking the fishing net out of her hands. He raised it in the air, yet another victory for Poguelandia, and exclaimed it with a shout, "Hell yeah! Guess who's not going hungry tonight!?"
"Not us!" Kiara joined in, both of them splashing about in the water.
Not noticing her mood's abrupt plummet, JJ handed the net over to Kiara before lifting Bianca by the waist. He spun her around, causing the girl to let out a yelp in surprise. Finally, he placed her back down, his eyes reflecting the azure of the ocean surrounding them.
If Kiara wasn't right next to him, JJ was sure he would dip her and place a big, hard kiss against her lips. His chest elated with pride, even if he'd doubted her in the beginning, "B, you did it! That's all you, baby!" He nodded toward the net of fish.
"Yay," Bianca hummed dully. She tried to sound enthusiastic for JJ. He looked so handsome like this, she felt even worse for not being able to share in his exhilaration.
"Come on," Kiara urged them and started to head back to shore. "We gotta go show the others."
"Yeah, be there in a sec," Bianca called weakly after her.
JJ's smile slowly fell and before she could take a step to follow, he stopped her. He laced his fingers between hers and pulled her back.
"Hey," JJ whispered, still thigh-deep in the water, and tugged Bianca closer. He cupped her cheeks and ran his thumbs over the dark circles under her eyes, "Tired?"
The concern on his face ate away at Bianca's chest. JJ should've been celebrating with the Pogues, not stressing over her. She was a burden. She made him unhappy. She could hardly even look at him.
Bianca pulled his wrists away from her, forcing his arms to fall limp, and shrugged, "Probably."
She began to walk toward shore again and JJ fell in step with her, trying to catch her eyes but her gaze was trained on the floor, "I'm worried about you," He admitted softly. He knew she hadn't been sleeping.
Bianca's heart wrenched, glancing up to make sure Kiara was a distance away before mustering up what was supposed to be a smile, "Don't be. I'm okay."
Something inside JJ sunk further and further away as they continued in silence, not looking at each other. The sand was difficult to walk through and it was only when they reached the dry part of the beach, closer to where the Pogues set up camp, did the boy sigh in exasperation.
"You're never going to tell me what's going on with you..." He trailed off, thinking back to how despondent the girl had become since they arrived on the island. "Are you?"
"Nothing is going on, JJ," Bianca lied, but even to her, it didn't sound convincing. "I'm fine."
"Right," JJ didn't believe her. It was the same response she gave him every time he asked and god, did he ask every chance he got.
I'm fine. JJ despised those words but he wouldn't force it either. It would only push her further away from him and she already felt so out of reach as it was.
By then, the couple reached the palm tree adorning the Poguelandia flag, still whipping in the salty breeze. Kiara was animately waving the spears and the net around, telling Sarah and John B of their fishing trip. Pope and Cleo returned as well, his pockets and a makeshift sling made out of the girl's old hoodie, filled with berries.
JJ reached for Bianca's elbow before they could join the others, "B, wait."
Bianca turned to him, not expecting the softness in his gaze. Her throat felt tighter than ever before, unable to form the words to respond. But JJ didn't want her to talk, he just needed her to listen.
"I don't know what you're hiding from me or- or why you're lying," He held her eyes so earnestly, Bianca fought the urge to glance away. "But you're my best friend and I trust you. And I trust that... whenever you're ready, you'll come to me first."
Bianca swallowed thickly, and she could no longer hold eye contact. The guilt was an unbearable, ever-alight fire that refused to die. It was all-consuming and ironically, it felt as though her lungs would fill with water. She was desperate for a breath of something other than the never-ending pain.
JJ let go of her arm and the action alone felt like he dropped the lifeline keeping her afloat. Bianca watched as he returned to their friends, while she stood back, trying not to capsize.
Filled with self-loathing, at that moment, she wanted to tell him everything. The whole story, at the tip of her tongue. But as soon as the urge came, it was extinguished by the chilling thought that once he knew, once he found out her secret, he would no longer look at her the same.
Bianca was afraid. So, so afraid of what JJ would think of her once he knew. Everything would crash and burn and the facade Bianca was so desperately trying to keep would come tumbling down with it.
How could JJ forgive her when she couldn't even forgive herself? The floodgates were leaking and once the seal broke, she could do nothing to prevent the tsunami that came with it nor the destruction it caused after.
Bianca watched as her friends broke out into ear-to-ear grins at the prospect of eating well tonight. Hesitantly, she put one foot in front of the other and joined the others.
"Guys- guys!" Kiara was breathless from her jog down. "Look at the drum we scored!"
"Thank goodness, spearfishing was so barbaric," Sarah crossed her arms over her chest.
"That's what I said," She agreed.
"Looks like we're not starving tonight," Pope chuckled, glancing between the others. "Was this you, Kie?"
"Don't look at me," The curly-haired girl shrugged, nodding her head to Bianca as she neared.
"Hell yeah, girl!" Cleo threw an arm around Bianca's shoulders. "Look at you!"
"Something about a blind pig and an acorn," Bianca mused, slightly enlivened by her friend's moods. "Right, JJ?"
The tension built up in JJ's chest dissipated as he laughed, "Something like that."
"I stand corrected," John B hummed. "Maybe you actually do have a shot of winning Survivor."
Bianca flipped him off, "Kie, pass me the other spear, please," She narrowed her eyes at the boy who gulped.
"Okay, okay," Sarah giggled, pushing John B's chest back. "Quit it, both of you."
"Oh- speaking of spears- look what Kie and I caught!" JJ suddenly piped up, taking the spear with the skate from Kiara to show the others.
"That was mostly me but o-kay," She snorted.
"Nice," Cleo scoffed. "But I'm glad the seven of us ain't sharing just that," They all turned to the flat, baby skate still attached to the edge of the rod.
JJ's shoulder's sagged but before he could deflate, Bianca placed a quick kiss on his cheek where a soft blush rose to let him know she was proud anyway.
And he couldn't complain because, at the end of the day, he had his best friends, his beautiful girlfriend, food in their stomachs, and an entire island to themselves.
Here, JJ was needed. He was useful. He was free. There were no police trying to track him down, no father to fail him, and nobody to tell him he was a fuck up who would never amount to anything. This was JJ's paradise on earth, not the Outer Banks. And it didn't get any better than this.
author's note. hello ! what did u guys think of this chapter ? i appreciate u guys so much !!!!! ur all so sweet and i'm gonna try and update as frequently as i can bc u guys literally make my day i love u <3333
p.s bianca and rafe's song this season is moth to a flame, do with that information what u will hehe