Onceler POV
I run as fast as hairy hot dog sprinting in the spring time. I run away from wenis and his crispy, oily, wenis-pinching-craving fingers. Oh how I'll never be the same. I sob and sob tears of egg yolks, i licked it up.... Mmmm i love breakfast. I approach the nightly outdoors and rip of my long lanky shoes. I dig my naked hairy perfect toes into the sand with each stride i take. And then i open my yolk-sealed eyes... i see... a star.
"I wish upon a star" i serenade myself. More eggy tears fall.
"I-i'm trying... to believe'' I choke up
"And even though i'm hard...." i slap my gems...
"You'll find me Christmas Eve...''
Christmas eve..... The whole world spins before my eyes and I have the biggest flashbacks of all flashbacks.
Flashback to 1895 (but a year before that when Onceler was a young lad)
"CHett, Brett! STOP picking on Oncey! Pick on your mama!" I hear my mama holler from the kitchen. I hide deeper and deeper in my closet of my hidden thneeds. Hidden even deeper was a picture of the most prettiest of young ladies.... Norma.. I jucily smooch the picture of her face (well it was VERY faded because i SMOOCHED it like 252 times a day.)
As i heard my skwagly brother duo stomping and twirling up our creaky floor made out of band-aids. I come out of that closet. They approach me.
"Oink oink." Brett snorts in my face. I attempted to shove my toes in his eyes but they ran for my closet. Oh no. i thought in more than just freaky fear. I run at them and throw them out my window and and I run. I run and I run out in our old stankey town.
"I MUST FIND HER!" i BLOLOLOLOLL like a turkey looking for a mate.
"BLALALLALLOLOLOL!" i hear in the near distance.
I run to Norma with open arms and I embrace her 100º hug.. She smelled so delightful, just like hard boiled egg yolk mashed into my anus!
"Oncey we need to-" norma started but i sharted.
"Norma we shoud get married!"
"We need to break up." Norma said right as I said we should get married.
"Ummm miss girl did I hear you're stanky ass lips right? Break-break up??? What do do do do do do do do do do do do do doo you mean my lovely mashed potato in the night???"
"It means I don't love you anymore, Onceler. You have let me down. You promised me a thneed, you have not delivered. You promised me sexy pictures of you covered in lettuce, i'm still waiting. Oncey it's been 13 years we've been together and you still wont pinch my wenis... is there something wrong with it?" Norma infomed me very mean.
"No norma of course not, I'm just a classy, assy and gassy guy and I like to wait at least 20 years for wenis pinching action! I just want to wait fir the seductive wiggly moment with you!" i scream at her in my oncey ways. I also think to all of those failed thneed attempts laying in my closet....all 01 of them. I sniffle. *sniffle*
"Man, you sure do suck!" she slaps me in the flap under my thumbs and waddles away.
Little did I know that was the last time I'd ever see norma again.
I walked home in my egg yolky tears but then Brett and Chett bursted out of the bushes and attacked me. They attacked my wenis. They, and both of them, took my wenisginity. They attacked me more than a whopper cheeseburger at burger king me. I es-cop-ead their tight grip on my now touched wenis and I ran as far as thee eye can see. And that's how I ended up being as bad as i could possibly be.
Present day
"softly on the outside, but as hard as a poop that's been sitting on the outside and it froze and it turned into a mcdonald chicken nugget, that's what i've been experiencing in my butthole. It was like the Sahara desert busted out of my ass!" Lorax wise words knock me out of my day dreamin dick!
I sob into lorax's fluffy luscious orage fur.
"Shhhh shhhh lorax is here, have no fear!" he pets my head.
After about 374 hours of crying more egg yolks i give lorax the whooole run down on why i was sister sobbing for so long... and now why i am a man-whore.
"Welll, my bestest of buddies.... Lorass, I am about to inform you hairy orange ass of traumas and dramas nobody has known beofre."
"Proceed" lorass rolls his eyes.
"My father left the picture for walter with blonde dreadlocks when i was just a young tot. My mom didn't handle it well so she just watched jeopardy all the time and drank WAY too much gook in a cup and ate so many raisins that she just raisin. My brothers became very ground shaking, take your anus breath away aggressive and beat me with yarn everyday. I fell in love with the most shining of girl-i mean women. Oh she was a woman all right. We were in love for 13 whole years., it was the most savory of love, I'd like to think of it as the greatest love story of all time. She was my bestest bud, everything was exquisite, just perfect. Until one day you see... *sobs* *sniffle*... she said she didn't love me anymore because I didn't pincher wenis! But like I told her, I'm a classy, assy, gassy guy! I wait at LEAST 20 years before participating in that animal-like behavior! After begging her to stay and offering to buy her taco bell everyday, she left me in three heart beats. She twirled around and round as she danced into the arms of another.
Then when I got home... I was drastically farted on by my brothers, Brett and Chett, my mama said it was karma for not pinching norma's wenis." I confessed to lorax.
The man was too stunned to speak.
After about 36 of lorax not speaking
"So what'd you do?" as asked with sister curiosity
"I did what any person in their right mind would do! I ran and ran until i could no longer strider another stride. I laid in the dirt of a country not known to man for a few years. Became a gay hooker, decided it wasn't my cup of tea and then became a hoe. I pinch 19,001 different wenises you know." i smirks at lorax.
"YOU DISGRACEFUL WHORE! Ok what happened next???" lorax scooched closer to me.
"Then i met peppa. She was like none other. She's the first lady i felt feelings for since Norma. She made me believe in love again! And maybe, just maybe a genuine wenis pinch. I was able to get vulnerable with her. I never told her these secrets, i knew she couldn't handle it after her quarl with Wenis, so I built my wenis up to be a prize. Untouched... I saw the rest of my life with peppa, out house, our kids, our pet cockroaches. It was perfect... but too perfect for me. I don't deserve peppa...." I sob more egg yolks.
"Yeah you really don't deserve peppa." Lorax laughs.
"Fly me to the moon" *faintly in the distance.
Lorax and I rapidly jump into our karate pose. "HIIIIIIIGHHHHYAAAAA" lorax shreiks.
"What in the frank sinatra is going on here?!?" i question as i'm still trying to wipe my yolky tears away.
Just then we see a man with skin so dark and hair so long flying up in the sky on a crescent shaped moon made out of cardboard. He looks like a hippie headband, banjo and all. He's swinging his legs and rocking his head side to side on the beat.
"MR. COOKIE!?!" we both scream.. Yeah like its a surprise, we see him every chapter!!
He flies over the hula hoe and that reminds us. We look at each other is sugar cookie goodness.
Peppa POV:
'Wenis! I- I love you more than my rolling pin that i'd use to bake boogers in eucalyptus mint deodorant, stuffed deeply inside kraft mac and cheese!'
I exasperated as I gazed into Wenis' stern eyes of the color: blue of the sky when it's about to storm, but also as bright as an ice cube when I drop it on the floor but also as green as my diarrhea when I eat lettuce.
It was THAT color I gazed into.
'You know what.. This calls for some fun dip' Wenis seductively whispered into my hairy anus.
I shitted myself a little lol HOT am i right?
Just then, Wenis vigorously shoved me into the sand, turning me into bacon.
'Oh Peppa.... You really are my little bacon! MUAHHAHA-'
—-
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
I gracefully screamed as I dramatically lifted my head up from the hard,, red (red as elmo) Hula hoe table in the middle of the floor,. 'oh .. it was just a dream' I smartly realized, while removing a round water ballon looking thing that was stuck to my face from the reckless nap. *smirk*.. Must've been all that cranberry sprite I drank.. What can i say, i take after my mother HA HA HA- Just then I noticed Weni was there, staring at me with his typical stupid nasal look, but he did look quite worried.. And urgent?
"WeIS?" i say in autocorrect.
"Peppa.. Common lets go to the beach.. I.. i want to get out of here.."
He quickly grabbed my colon and we ran to the beach.. In the moonlight i might add.
Wenis POV:
I moonwalk with my short, lost and found lover, Peppa, down to the blissful sands beyond the horizon of my butt beach.. At night *smirks*. I twirl her around, bend her to the pebbles (like they do in dances in the movies my mommy told me not to watch),. throw her to the blinded moonlit sky..I...I"M IN LOVE>? this is just all so NEw for mE.. "Hehe!" i giggle like a girl, and Peppa just flopping like a fish as we dance.. In the background, you can hear and experience Mr. Cookie's romanticizing singing vibrate in the in between part of your toes that collect a lot of dust. It was just such a perfect moment.
I glance over Peppa's head and see the Lorax, Bob the Bully (not the builder), and Gruu the Puu sitting on the hill of the beach (you know, kinda where the plants are before you reach the sand.. It was there). They were cheering us on..
"Whooo!!! YEAH WENIS!! FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!"
"Follow my fart..?" I whisper questioned to myself.
My buddies continued, all while aggressively eating Willy's buttcheek- I MEAN cheesecake..
"That's enough internet for today..." I said to myself once more.
'Hmm?' Peppa hummed.
'Uh um.. Nothing'
We continued.. Dancing the night away.. I few sharts here and there but it was nothing but magical!
After 5 seconds and three minutes pass, Peppa and I stop our dancing.
I spoketh
"Oh Peppa.. How i've pissed our time together.. I mean missed" I say, two tears falling and flying into the ocean.
"I do too wenis.. I missed our qUaLitY time together and slapping ass.. It's one of my greatest treasures!" Peppa hoodled.
We paused and looked strongly into one anothers hairy boobies. Just then.. Peppa spoke:
"Oh WEnis... Oh wenis oh wenis oh wenis.... Oh wenis.. Oh wenis... OH WENIS!!!!! HOW I WANT TO GET NAKEDESS WITH YOU!!!!
"OH PEEpA!!" i squeal in.. PIG! *GREAT GASP*
Just as we were about to have OUR nakedness moment.. for once, ugh! ...I really did hear Willy's magnificent voice SCrEaM.
"MMMM mmm MMMM!!!!!!!!! am I ready to SHOVE something up my ass!!!!!" Willy howls at the moon, ass out, BUTT NAKED.....Well except for wearing the mini poop green cowboy hat that he bought at the Hula Hoe's mini gift shop!
*flashback*:
Random hoe: "HEY! THATS MY HAT-"
Willy: "ahehehe heh? Heh heh?" * farts in hoe's penis*
*flashback over*
Just then, WIlly RUNS off down to the beach, down the hill, down.. His cheeks so liquid smooth you could butter any biscuits with a swipe and a touch
"One touch is all it takes, right Dua Lipa?" you hear the Lorax question everything as he drools at the sight of willy.
As Willy runs, with his jingle jangles swinging in all forms of motion, he turns to the audience, to his bondage buddies, right before diving into the ocean:
"GOODBYE MY FLOUNDERS!!!!!!!!!!!! And HELLO SHNOOKY!!" *Gay Hand* *tips cowboy hat*. And gone. Gone he was. He'll be ok though.... Or at least we thought.. until we abruptly saw him get swallowed by- by a MINNOW?????????
*orange fish from lorax start singing "Bye BYE Bye"*
"WILLY!!!!!" literally everyone Squaked and shitted in the sand.
The end.