I'd been nursing my broken heart spending time with friends, and even more time belting out Sara Bareilles "Love Song" at the top of my lungs while creeping facebook. Hey, everyone grieves in their own way, right?
Despite my own natural inclination to wallow, I was slowly beginning to feel like myself again. It was early summer and the days are just starting to stretch their golden arms into the night making each day seem endless, and full of possibility.
After being invited to a friend's suprise birthday party, I decided to push myself to be social, even though my usual group of friends wouldn't be attending. After arriving a little too early, I loitered awkwardly with a beer in my hand, never straying too far from the snack table.
Then I saw the red pick up drive up.
I'd never been happier to see him.
Checkered button down wearing, six pack carrying, Nathan.
We were glued to each other's side, trading stories and catching up about everything we'd missed since graduation. I was finally relaxing in the presence of my old friend, and the couple of beers didn't hurt either. I almost felt guilty - this was the first time I'd really been able to forget about Aidan, and I couldn't fight the obvious attraction between Nathan and I.
So I ran away.
Well, not literally, but I gave Nathan a feeble excuse and went to hide on the other side of the lawn with another highschool girlfriend.
Hours later, as I was stepping out of the crowded kitchen for some fresh air, I felt someone grab my arm and pull me backward. I was shocked when I turned to see Nathan, who had never been so forward. He pulled me aside to a quiet corner of the deck, leaned in, and without a word, he kissed me.
I couldn't help but kiss back, and for a second, it was as if no time had ever passed, and we were right back under the stars and gently falling snow.
When we finally came up for air, I panicked.
"I can't do this," I mumbled, and bolted inside.
I called my dad and in no time I was sitting in the dark backseat of his car, speeding away from Nathan, but not able to escape the confusion I felt. Thoughts were swirling in my head and I couldnt think straight. That kiss had awakened feelings I didn't even know I still had. And what was worse, in a way the whole situation made me miss the comfort and stability of my relationship with Aidan.
Still, as I was falling asleep that night, I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift back to Nathan, and I felt myself smiling as I closed my eyes.
The next day I awoke to a text from Nathan. "I hope tonight wasn't too overwhelming for you. I know we'd both had a bit to drink, but I don't regret it, and I hope you don't either. I really want to see you again".
He picked me up and was beaming ear to ear when he came to the door to get me. We walked back to his car, and he opened the door for me, and waited to close it behind me. Always the gentleman. We went to a movie and he nervously held my hand. He kept looking over at me and smiling. It was so easy to be with him, so different from the way the last few weeks with Aidan had felt. Nathan walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight.
Aidan hadn't spoken to me since the last time we'd seen each other, but I was getting caught in a nasty "he said she said" gossip mill. Aidan had been telling people that I broke up with him, and that I wasn't willing to work on our relationship. I felt incredibly betrayed. Only weeks earlier, he'd called me his best friend, and now he was spreading lies about me, blaming me for the end of our relationship. It felt like he was taking everything that had been special and precious about our relationship and destroying it.
Nathan's affection became an escape for me. I had a new spring in my step and he was the only person who could make me smile. After Aidan's rejection, it just felt nice to be wanted, especially by someone who I could relax around, a friend who had known me for so long.
My nineteenth birthday was fast approaching and Nathan made me promise I'd let him celebrate with me. I went out for dinner with my closest girlfriends, and after cake with my family, Nathan's pickup was in my driveway. Since he'd already taken me to dinner the night before, this time we just headed back to his house to spend some time together.
He was getting ready to go away for a few days so I helped him pack and we ended up sitting on the floor of his walk in closet, drinking Canadian and laughing until 1 in the morning. He opened up to me, which I know was incredibly hard for him to do. He told me that in the beginning, he'd just wanted us to be casual, but the more time he spent with me, the more he wanted to be with me. That he thought about me all the time and it made him crazy. That he'd never felt this way before.
He drove me home and we kissed in the front seat while "Welcome to the Jungle" blasted from his stereo. I felt free of all the sadness I'd been carrying, and for the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful.
Nathan would be gone for a week and I knew that would give me the time I needed to figure out my feelings for him.
And then it happened.
I was at work when I got the call from Aidan's brother's girlfriend. She spoke in nearly a whispher, concealing her cell phone while she called me from the hallway, ducked behind a vending machine for cover.
"I shouldn't be telling you this, but Aidan's been in an accident. He's in a coma,".
The words hit me like a ton of bricks and I was dizzy. I slumped onto the floor of the staff room at work, bracing myself against the wall for support.
Aidan had been longboarding with his brother and took a corner too fast. The paramedics had told his family that if his brother hadn't been there to call 9-1-1, he wouldn't have made it. He had a fractured skull and some swelling in his brain.
I sent a letter to the hospital, along with his favourite magazine. When Aidan woke up, his brother asked him if I could see him, but he refused.
It was a nightmare, and the worst part was being an outsider. I waited in suspense for the sparse secret updates I received from Aidan's brother. Eventually Aidan recovered and was released from the hospital. He would be fine, though he'd suffered minimal brain damage and permanently lost some of his hearing in his right ear.
As hard as it was not to see him, to not be able to be there when I wanted to the most, it also made it clear that to Aidan, we were over for good.
Every hope that I had that we'd ever be together again was gone.
Nathan returned from his trip and urged me to give in and give him a chance. We started dating slowly, and I though I tried my best, I found I could barely let down my guard.
True to form, Nathan's timing was terrible.
He sent me a long e-mail confessing that he'd spent most of his first year of University wanting to be with me, regretting how badly he'd blown it when he'd had the chance. It felt so good to know it hadn't been all in my head, that there had been something significant between us back then.
"I've felt this way for so long, and I always fucked it up before," he wrote. "I don't want to lose you again."
Slowly but surely I gave in to him and let him treat me like his girlfriend. I discovered a side of him I'd never knew existed, one that was tender, gentle and attentive. It blew me away. He was so patient and kind.
Nathan worked late hours for an event company setting up and taking down events so I would wait for him and he'd pick me up on his way home. We'd spend the nights after work just being mellow, John Mayer's live CD on the car radio as we drove, my head on his chest as we watched movies and I drifted off to sleep in his arms.
We settled into a routine and I felt myself giving in to him in spite of myself.
He took me everywhere. Sports games, movies, dinner, mini-golfing. Most days we had free we spent together, trying to make the most of our summer before he headed back to school in London and I went back to Ottawa. Nathan was really close with his family, and they welcomed me with open arms to family dinners and other events. We would go for walks in the twilight, exploring the huge property of his family farm, laughing and kissing and wasting time.
It was easy.
We would speed down the back roads in his truck in the middle of the night, listening to country and feeling like this would last forever. Against all odds, Nathan had given me an amazing summer. He took me to my grandmother's house for the day - she lived on the water - and we spent the day enjoying the sun and the beach. On the way home I blared Taylor Swift and he smiled at me while I sang along at the top of my lungs. We were obsessed with Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" album, and as "Strawberry Swing" played over the speakers that night, I felt myself letting go and letting Nathan in.
"Now the sky, could be blue, could be gray, without you I'm just miles away"