The silence of detention was only broken by the incessant ticking of the clock on the wall, a constant reminder of my nightmarish predicament. But as I sat there, my mind couldn't stop replaying yesterday's events with my unhinged father.
"As much as seeing you look so tense entertains me, you should really relax now." Nikolai spoke out with nonchalant confidence per usual. "It's just detention you know?"
"Are you in here a lot?" I couldn't help but notice how unfazed he seemed by current situation.
"Just enough to keep me well-rounded." He crossed his arms and comfortably leaned back against his chair. "I'm assuming the same can't be said about you since you seem like such a good boy." He dryly humored with a bright charming glint coming across the varying hues of his alluring eyes.
I slightly winced at what he called me. "I've never been in detention before." I sniffed and tiredly rested my head right on the desk. "It should be those boys in here, not us."
Nikolai shrugged with a sigh. "But isn't that the privilege of having the power that they have? They get to find loopholes in the system, have the choice of whatever role they want in life, and leave people like us without even half their power to scramble for scraps."
Exhaustion wracked all over me. It was all too much. I had barely gotten any sleep last night as the fear and unstable turbulence that came with my father's ballistic actions, and the unrelenting power that only further fueled the hate instilled in those three boys was taking its toll on me. The weight of it all was suffocating, pressing on me like a heavy boulder. I struggled to find some semblance of peace, blurred off into obscurity by the endless cycle of pain and fear.
"It's not right." I whispered out with my posture dropping further down on my seat. "I-I don't know why it's so hard for people to just be kind to one another."
"Stop that." Nikolai let out in an incredibly harsh snarl, rough and aggressive in delivery as if my defeated demeanor was pissing him off. "You're making my skin crawl."
"What?" I let out a series of shocked blinks. "Stop what?"
"Stop being the victim and grow a goddamn backbone." He let out gruffly, leaning in closer towards me just enough to shift a single strand of his dirty blonde hair, causing it cut right though his fearsome gaze. "Every single time I've seen you get picked on, you just cry and complain about it like a pathetic cry baby."
"It's because-" My lips began to uncontrollably wobble along with my teary eyes as it felt like words were ripping me apart. "It's because I-I can't-"
"Can't what!? Defend yourself?" Nikolai's raised volume made me feel ashamed, causing him to have to close his eyes and deeply breathe to contain his unbridled anger that was undoubtedly surging through him. "You can't always depend on others to help you. There will be times when no one is going to help you."
"Don't you think I know that? All these years I've tried all that I could to stay strong, but the truth is I-I don't have what it takes-I'm just weak, and pathetic, and-and deserving of everything I've been through." All of a sudden the tears were falling now and I was undoubtedly succumbed by all of the emotions that were eating up away at me. "I-I can't be strong when I miss how my life used to be, I miss my mom, I miss not having to be sad all the time, and I miss being able to walk without having to be in constant pain."
"Leone." Nikolai lowly murmured out my name in a deep sigh, in a way that felt like a contactless embrace. I could tell he's had suppress his own emotions just to try all that he could to understand mine. "It is all the hardships, the things you miss, and all the things you've been through that makes you strong. You wanna know how I know that?"
"How?" I faintly asked, barely able to look back up at him.
"Because after everything that you've been through you're still here, sitting right across from me." Nikolai slowly tilted his head at me. "Like you, I have my own things to miss. I miss my parents, I miss my life, and I miss the person I was before they died, but I'm still here."
My heart dropped at his words, the pain he had to experience with having to process such a loss almost emanating from him. "Nikolai-" I whispered out his name as he clenched his jaw to the side. "I'm sorry."
"I don't need your pity, what I need is for you to understand that you shouldn't let anyone or anything make you forget who you are." He slowly skims the project right over the table. "Respect yourself, and the respect of everyone else will follow."
I let his words seep right into my skin before responding. "W-What is that for?" I softly asked, observing the blank poster board he had pulled out.
"The project, what else would it be?" He answers sharply. "You didn't think I was just gonna sit here and waste my time talking about how pathetic you are, did you?"
"No." My voice faintly cracked out as I tried my best to not take his harsh words so personally. "I didn't."
"Good." He spread his drawing tools at the side of the desk as I clasped my hands together. I waited for further instructions out of fear of only annoying him even more if I did something. "What are you doing?"
"I-I didn't know if I was allowed to do anything just yet." I explained with heated cheeks and a visibly fragile demeanor.
"Are you dumb? This is a group project for a reason, now take a pencil and make yourself useful." He quickly tossed a pencil towards me, watching me unconsciously tense up at the noise it had caused once it landed. "And besides, I've seen the way you draw so this shouldn't take that long for us to finish." He reluctantly adds in a much softer tone, almost as if he was trying his hardest to refrain from being outwardly cold and sharp towards me.
Nikolai and I spent the rest of our time in detention working on the project. The requirements were simple which was to draw five things we remember seeing from our time at the field trip. It didn't take long for me to do what I do best which was to draw my heart out, embellishing my side of the poster board with detailed drawings of flowers, birds, and butterflies. Nikolai was no slouch either as he drew stunning plants, familiarly towering trees, and majestic wildlife. We both poured our hearts and souls into the project, determined to make the best out of the field trip that I undoubtedly considered was a nightmarish situation.
"Where'd you learn how to draw like that?" Nikolai's deep and husky voice intertwined with the sounds of his pencil skimming gently against the paper.
"My mother, we used to draw together all the time. She was the one who got me my first ever sketchbook-the one I lost in the field trip." I breathed out before looking up at the jaw-dropping drawing of the coyote on his paper. "What about you?" I asked, noticing just how his personality differed so greatly from his style of drawing. His personality was intimidating and standoffish while his style of drawing was gentle and patient.
"My father." He murmured out with audible hesitation. "Did you ever get to replace your sketchbook for a new one?"
My heart was slightly tugged at the mention of all my hard work being gone. "No, I'm afraid not. My father would never replace it." I let out a melancholic sigh before returning back to my drawing, hoping it would work as a distraction. "H-He doesn't approve of me liking art."
"Here." Nikolai calls out before catching me off guard with yet another thrown object directed towards me. "Have mine."
My breath audibly hitched. "What? N-No I-I can't possibly take this, its yours." As soon as I laid my eyes down on the thick sketchbook that Nikolai had given me, my heart had skipped a beat. It was significantly way thicker than the one I used to have, and I couldn't help but wonder what kind of art I could create on the countless blank pages. "It still even has all your work on it."
"So what?" He carelessly responded before continuing, almost looking annoyed at how shamefully grateful I was at his gesture. "Let it be a reminder of the person who told you to toughen up, or maybe even a guide on how to draw better." He dryly teased.
"Thank you." As I held the sketchbook in my hands and hugged it, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed as tears welled up in my eyes. "I promise I'll take care of it forever."
"Yeah whatever." Nikolai threw me a dirty look before looking back down at his work. "Now stop being dramatic and get back to work, you look obnoxious." He grumbled, clearly suppressing the corners of his mouth from twitching upwards into a small smile.
I quickly complied, unable to hold back the bright beaming smile on my face as he was much better at it than I was. Just from this exchange alone, I figured the truth about Nikolai initially got lost in translation somewhere for me. The truth is beyond Nikolai's cold and tough exterior, may just lie the biggest and warmest heart of gold imaginable.
Miya picked all of us up once we were permitted to leave. Nikolai and I had gotten quite a lot of our work done while Atalia had just woken up from a deep nap.
"How was detention?" Miya teasingly instigated on our walk towards the exit.
"I don't know, you're gonna have to ask these two." Atalia yawned out into the air. "I slept the whole time."
"Nikolai?" Miya attempted to break the ice by wiggling her brows up at the rigid boy that was devoid from any emotion.
Nikolai just grunted in response, causing me to interject right through all of the awkwardness caused by his naturally grumpy demeanor. "It was okay, we got to draw a lot." I chirped softly.
"Nice." Miya pursed her lips and nodded approvingly. "That definitely sounds better than having to clean up cafeteria garbage, the lunch lady really made sure those boys worked their asses off and they looked pissed the whole time."
"As she should." Atalia sassily lifted up her chin and clicked her mouth. "They're parents already own this entire place, the least they could do is some maintenance cleaning." Miya joined in with Atalia's laugh that echoed into the air.
"Speaking of maintenance cleaning, my room is a mess so you guys are gonna have to wait in the living room just for a little bit until I get some things organized." Miya chimes out as the group stayed silent in agreement, except for me. She quickly took notice of my confusion, causing her to address me directly with a kind smile. "We always hang out at my house after school. Wanna come?"
I was rendered speechless for just a moment, cautiously glancing at a Nikolai who didn't even bother returning my gaze. "Come on, she has a cute little puppy that likes belly rubs." Atalia enticed, causing me to finally give in with a meek nod since both of them insisted they were fine with me being there.
The searing sun greeted us as we strolled right past the school exit. The weather greatly differed from the usual gloom, giving me the chance to take in the beauty of our surroundings as we walked. The sun shone brightly, casting a warm glow over everything it touched. The birds chirped merrily, and a gentle breeze carried the scent of freshly bloomed flowers.
Suddenly, there he was standing at our usual spot. "Wait is that-" Atalia didn't even bother finishing her words as I had already rushed towards the person who had made my heart skip a beat.
"Dydan!" I cheered out, immediately causing him to return my excitement as we met each other with a tight comforting embrace.
"Hey you." Dydan looked down at me with a smile before proceeding to pepper my forehead and cheeks with soft delicate kisses that made me uncontrollably giggle right into his chest.
"I'm sorry for making you wait." Although I felt bad for having him wait up for me, I couldn't help but feel all warm and jittery inside over the fact that he was nice enough to even want to do that. "I didn't know it was gonna take that long."
"It's fine." Dydan calmly cooed while brushing a strand of my hair away from my face. "You ready to go?"
"Um, hold on." I nervously gulped and turned around, keeping his question up in the air longer than I intended. "Im sorry guys, m-my friend came to pick me up, maybe I can hang out next time?" As I nodded at the group behind me, my surroundings suddenly fell into heavy silence.
"Dydan." Nikolai let out gruffly as his head suddenly turned downwards into a terrifying grimace.
"Nikolai." Dydan nonchalantly let out, seemingly trying his best to remain completely unbothered at the other boy's presence.
I suddenly felt uneasy, feeling as though I had just caused everyone to stumble into a pit of inescapable tension. "Y-You two know each other?" I asked breathlessly.
My question remained unanswered as it didn't take long for me to take notice of the abrupt clash of personalities that was undeniably noticeable. It was suddenly a stand off between Dydan and Nikolai as both of their eyes fought for dominance, building up the tension with each passing moment. It left everybody else conflicted at the sight of the two boys clearly sizing each other up. Despite my curiosity over what had caused such a sudden standoff, I couldn't help but feel drawn to both Dydan and Nikolai as I liked to think that I've seen each of their differing sides. It was like being torn between two different worlds, each with their own allure and danger.
"Why don't he just come with?" Miya blurted out with a casual smirk, clearly attempting to make all of the tension just simply dissipate.
"What do you think you're doing?" Nikolai's piercing glance eventually escalated to be directed towards her.
"Being perfectly capable of inviting of whoever I want to my house, what else?" Miya carelessly shrugged, making Atalia let out an audible snort at the sight of Nikolai practically seething. "Come, the two of you." She brightly beamed before rushing towards me and Dydan, taking our hands to guide us towards the direction of her house.
The walk was a few a distances away, but were still able to feel short-lived due to everyone seemingly contributing to a conversation except for Nikolai.
Miya's house turned out to be a lot more cozier than I thought. Every nook and cranny was cluttered with old familial antics and vintage furniture that was heavily influenced by ornate cultural designs and symbolism. But it wasn't just the decor that made this house special. Miya's puppy, Akihiro, greeted me with an infectious wag of his tail and an unrivaled love for belly rubs. Throughout the day, Dydan and I was treated to a lighthearted tour of the house organized by Miya's little sister, Hitomi. She told us about private family drama we didn't ask for, brutally judged our outfits and physical appearance, and even forced Dydan and I to separate since I was apparently the only one she wanted to invite to a private tea party.
"Do you like the tea?" Hitomi chirped up at me with her confident and high-pitched voice.
"Oh-y-yes, it's really good." I shyly nodded as I placed the empty porcelain teacup onto the coordinating plate.
It's been empty this entire time.
I immediately tensed up once Hitomi aggressively clapped her hands up in the air. "Okay, I'm bored." She immediately got herself up off the miniature chair and gestured me to follow her into her sister's closet that's just been recently organized. "Let's play dress up. Since you're big like my sister, that means we'll have to use her clothes."
"Oh wow-" My voice increased in volume as her grip on my pointer finger got increasingly stronger. "Okay-um, are you sure we can do that?"
"Shut up." She let out in a monotoned voice, sitting me right on Miya's bed with widened eyes. "I'm going to help you."
"H-Help me?" I stammered out as I watched the tiny girl that barely reached up to my waist in height, effortlessly climb and rummage through her older sister's closet as if it was a daily habit of hers.
"I know you like that boy." She bluntly states as she proceeds to throw a bunch of coat hangers at me.
My appalled facial expression wasn't enough to explain how her words made me feel on the inside. "Wait wha-Dydan?" I whispered out with furrowed brows.
"And I know that he also likes you." She steps right back down just to rush towards me with her hands filled with more clothes and makeup.
"What makes you say that?" I asked as the thought undoubtedly made my heart pump, awaiting for her answer as I let her dress me up.
Just before she could've answered, Atalia had already entered the room in total shock the more she got to observe the mess this game of dress up had caused. "Oh shit. Miya is gonna kill your ass."
"Watch your mouth!" Hitomi rapidly snapped back.
"Oop-okay, my bad." Atalia surrendered her hands up into the air with a suppressed laugh. "What are you guys doing?"
"We're playing dress up and I'm helping Leone look like a pretty princess." Hitomi smiled with excitement as she took turns placing palettes of makeup beside my face to see what shade would fit my complexion. "You wanna help?"
"Hell yeah, that sounds fun." Atalia immediately caught herself with yet another curse word, earning her yet another disapproving look from Hitomi. "Sorry." She squeaked out with an apologetic smile.
The two girls didn't take long to begin dressing me up in a black mini dress that had an all over floral print, some puffy sleeves, a tiered skirt, a ruffled trim, and a squared neckline that sat right below a black satin ribbon choker to accentuate my neck and collar bones. Despite my apprehension from the wardrobe alone, I decided to trust the process and let them work their magic regardless. They put makeup on my face, skillfully applying all sorts of products that either made my eyes water or my mouth to uncontrollably cough.
"Yay okay! All done!" Hitomi cheered with Atalia as they took a step back and seemed happy with what they've accomplished. "Are you ready to see it!?"
I couldn't help but feel my emotions turn into a whirlwind of nerves and and excitement. "I-I think so." I faintly answered as I wondered if I was either going to look like a clown or an actual princess? I had no idea.
But as they excitedly hauled me over towards a full body mirror, I couldn't help but immediately gasp at the sight of myself. My eyes were made almost cat-like with dark and bold eyeliner, popping with a glittery silver shade that made my eyes look bigger and brighter. My cheeks were rosy and glowing, almost porcelain with just the right amount of highlighter and blush to accentuate my cheekbones. And my lips were glossy, making them look more luscious than ever before.
I looked like a Gothic porcelain baby doll.
What have I gotten myself into?
Before I could even say a word, Hitomi had already spoken up over my silence. "So what do you think!?"
"I-uh." I anxiously scanned over myself one last time before kneeling down right before her. "It's gonna take a lot of getting used to, but I think you did a great job Hitomi." I whispered.
Her large bulbous eyes immediately glistened as she threw her arms around my neck for a tight embrace. "It's okay if you don't like it, it's just that my sister never wants to play with me so I just want you to know that I'm really happy right now."
"Awh, I'm so glad to hear that Hitomi." I hugged her tightly, looking up at Atalia to exchange a mutual look of compassion for the little girl's words. "I'd love to play dress up with you anytime."
I eventually got the chance to escape towards the bathroom as every inch and curve of my skin and body seemingly rebelled against the idea of being confined and covered up with unknown products and fabric. My extreme discomfort practically begged to be put at ease, but as I headed further down the hall, a sudden burst of laughter and giggles erupted from another room. It was impossible not to feed into my piqued curiosity so I slowly I made my way towards the source of the commotion, pausing and listening in.
It was then that I caught a glimpse of Dydan and Miya, their faces lit up with pure joy as they seemed to share such a genuine connection through their lively laughter and conversation.
Wow.
Dydan looks so happy.
I wonder if he's ever that happy with me.
Perhaps, Dydan and Miya's bond was something special and I just didn't know. Could they have already known each other? With such an awkward interaction between Dydan and Nikolai earlier maybe they could've all been friends but just had a falling out? Maybe they shared something that was only unique to them. I couldn't help but wonder what secrets they were sharing and what inside jokes they were laughing about. I couldn't ward off any of my thoughts and feelings as I uncontrollably felt excluded from their intimate moment, like a creepy outsider watching from such envious sidelines.
I quickly hid myself and met my back right against the walls of the hallway. I couldn't shake off the uncontrollable jealousy I felt within me for some reason. I was unable to stop my doubts and insecurities from blinding me to the fact that maybe happiness just comes in many forms. Perhaps Dydan's joy with Miya was different from what he would experience with me, but that didn't mean it was any less valuable, right?
Gosh, I'm truly a mess.
Why am I like this?
"Cute dress." My intrusive thoughts are rapidly cut off by Nikolai's familiarly deep and intimidating voice. "Are you wearing makeup?" He asks while slowly leaning forward, keenly taking in every single detail of my appearance.
My breath immediately hitched as we came face to face. "Y-Yeah, Hitomi wanted to play dress up." I nervously gulped down, barely able to maintain eye contact as I decided to speak through the awkward silence. "What do you think?"
Nikolai remained dangerously quiet as his striking gaze remained squinted down at me, enough to make me grow increasingly heated with every second passing of his body getting much closer against mine.
He eventually stops until we're only a few inches away from each other, his great height and demeanor undoubtedly caging me up against the wall. My breath hitched once he gently snuck a hand beneath my chin, slowly tilting my head to the side to observe the dark satin ribbon that wrapped around my neck, serving as a tight choker for him to feast his eyes upon.
"I think you look silly." He finally speaks out in a low reverberating hum that enveloped my ears like rich thick velvet. "You don't need any of this." He proceeds to slowly graze his thumb right across my plush lips, wiping it clean from any gloss or pigment as our eye contact practically remained unbreakable.
And with that he proceeds to leave me alone in the hallway with my own mixture of conflicted thoughts and chaotic ordeals.
Hours eventually pass and Dydan and I begin our journey back home with me riding on his back per usual. "Dydan?" I spoke right through the silent breeze, earning none other than a curious glance from him.
"Leone?" He threw me a small smile.
"Did you happen to already know everyone before today?" I asked while looking over his shoulder to study his face.
"Wha-like the group?" I nod, signaling for him to continue. "Well yeah, their friend Nikolai was the asshole I got in a fight with at the skate park not too long ago."
"The one who told you that you didn't belong there?" Although I wasn't entirely surprised judging from how aggressive Nikolai naturally is, I still couldn't get over the fact that these two boys have actually got in a fight before.
"Yeah but I mean it's whatever, I don't give a fuck." He shrugged with an optimistic sigh. "I don't have to be friends with everybody, especially when I already have you."
I took a deep breath and stared out into the sunset, observing the diminishing hues before mindlessly responding. "And Miya." I added out of nowhere.
Dydan glanced at me with an unreadable look on his face before looking back out at the empty road. "Miya?" He lets outs her name, audibly puzzled.
"Yeah, isn't she your friend too?" I dryly muttered out.
I could see his brows furrowing down to himself before doing yet another shrug. "Well kinda-I mean I don't know-we've barely talked."
"She's really pretty." I couldn't help but continue to speak in a weirdly passive aggressive tone as Dydan seemed to take heed of this rather quickly. "Wouldn't you agree?"
"Um I mean-" He took a pause to glance back at me yet again, brushing off his intuition about my deterred energy by assuming I was probably just tired or something. "Yeah, I guess?"
"She seemed to like you very much." I sniffed as I positioned my head to the other side of his shoulder, away from his view of me if he ever chose to glance back one more time. "I think the both of you would look really good together." I added, my voice coming out much more pained than I had intended.
"What the-what are you even-" Dydan seemed to laugh up into the air as if I had just said something completely absurd. "Miya would never like me."
"That's kinda hard to believe judging from how happy you two looked together earlier."
"Leone, where is this coming from?"
"Nothing it's just-you know, It's just an opinion." I shrugged as my voice grew even more weaker by the second.
"Wait a minute, is that jealousy I'm hearing?" Dydan began to tease me by shaking me on his back with effortless force.
"Wha-no." My eyes immediately widened.
"It is, isn't it?" I could hear the devilish smile form on his gorgeous face. "Awh, my wittle Leone is jealous, you're so very cute for that." He puckered his lips together to speak in a deep and charming cutesy voice.
"Stop it! I'm not jealous." I defensively pouted. "Like I said, I-I was just stating my opinion, that's all."
Dydan continued, clearly unimpressed. "Look I know I'm a huge catch but there's no need to be jealous." Dydan humorously teased before bursting right out into a fit of chuckles. "Nah I'm just fucking with you, seriously though-there's no need to be jealous considering over the fact that no one would actually ever like me." His last set of words was where his humor audibly died down.
I took a moment to see if he was joking, in hopes that he didn't actually feel that way, but he did. "Y-You don't actually think that, do you?" I spoke out in complete disbelief.
Dydan tilted his head to the side. "Mmmyeah-well I don't fully actually think it, but I can't help but feel like it's the semi-truth either, you know what I mean?"
"No I-I don't know what you mean." I shook my head. "Like you said, you're a huge catch Dydan. I've never met anyone like you."
"You can't say that Leone. You only know half the truth about me." I could feel Dydan's shoulders begin to droop, but I wasn't about to let my friend wallow in self-pity. "There's a lot of things about me that's hard to like."
"Well yeah, but doesn't everyone? I-I know I do." I reassuringly whispered out. "Anyone would be lucky to be with you Dydan, I mean it."
Dydan softly chuckled at my persistence. "Even you?" He devilishly teased, his eyes twinkling with teasing mischief.
My heart suddenly dropped, and I could feel my cheeks burning. I initially didn't know how to rightfully respond so I did what I usually did best which was to go off in an anxiety-filled ramble. "Well if boys like me were your t-type-which they probably aren't, then yea I would-I'd probably date you. I-I mean why wouldn't I fall for a boy like you-like someone like you-just I mean-since you're so kind and funny and handsome, you know? And-and oh god, I-I'll just stop talking now."
"Leone-" Dydan's mouth fell open with my name wrapped in a soft and delicate tone. "I-" He paused again, unable to finish his words for some reason.
"What?" My heart pounded as I tried as best as I can to speak up. "What is it?" I was so nervous and I could tell he was too for some reason.
"Miya and I are just friends." He clears up sternly before looking back at me. "And besides, there's someone else that I like."
"Really?" My mouth fell in shock. "Who is it?" I further added, unable to hide my curiosity from him.
Anticipation has the ability to take on many unique forms. For me, it was a swarm of a thousand butterflies that invaded every inch of my body, leaving me quite literally numb.
"The person that invented mac & cheese, seriously I'm starving." I couldn't help but roll my eyes back once he finally let out his immature confession.
"Yeah, me too." I say right before nuzzling against the back of his neck with a quiet laugh.
It was moments like these that made me realize why I was so drawn to Dydan in the first place. He was unpredictable, witty, always kept me on my toes, but yet was so kind, and gentle, and caring towards me.
I couldn't help but imagine myself in another world where I get to be with Dydan in that way. Although I'm sure nothing about it would be easy, I'm also sure that everything about it would be worth it. Because regardless of any unpredictable conflict or testing sway of our life, I knew that we'd always be there to make each other feel loved.