he wished he woke up next to him, close to scent of his skin, after night sweat, exhausting sex, worn perfume and scent of cigarettes. he missed him in the mornings, he longed for his hugs, lips and sound of deep voice whispering to him only.
he rolled through the sheets of his bed, leaving traces of tears. water was running down his legs while blood was gushing out of his heart. It was torturous, and he burned for escape even though he couldn't acknowledge what it was. he questioned whether this was even calling love because nothing in the world could make him turn away from it.
It was one of the last days before summer break, which everyone was looking forward to, but not jisung. he didn't even want to rethink what tomorrow would look like, would he be able to see minho's face, or one day all this will be over.
will he live as before, what will he do? he ruined his future, but looking through better side their debts will be paid off, they won't have anything on their backs, he and his mother will have a better life....right? but what will happen to minho since one day he will leave, they won't see each others no more. maybe he'll visit next summer, no...he will be busy with his kid...maybe next...next summer....he's married jisung why would minho come back to you? right?...he has nothing to do with being here.
" Jisung.....Han Jisung!"
his clod face titled head, looking back at teachers unhappy expression, it didn't take him long until he realized that everyone in the classroom was staring at him worried, his eyes met with hyunjin being confused, he run to him in the middle of class.
" Your okay?"
" Hwang take him to fresh up...God what happened?...." she could be heard saying.
hyunjin took him by the hand and guided him out of the classroom toward the bathroom. jisung didn't fully understand what was happening until he appeared in front of the mirror, his face was red, covered in tears and as he stared at himself he felt nothing. hyunjin was concerned, he hugged jisung and rested his head on his shoulder.
" I'm sorry jisung....I'm sorry for yesterday....I should be better friend.."
jisung wrapped hands around his friend's neck and returned the hug.
"I know you're hurt, but I'm here for you, okay, you can cry on my shoulder, call me at any time and I'll come running....whatever you going through right now....is probably really r-really hard for you....and I'm sorry I can't do much for you...I'm sorry jisung......"
Jisung just nodded, trying to say something, barely.
".....just be next to me"
"alright..." hyunjin stuck to what jisung wanted, he didn't want to touch any topic related to jisung and his suffering in love.
they skipped another class, neither hyunjin nor jisung cared, they had breakfast in the karoke room, he loved having company, his head rested on hyunjin's shoulder, deep inside wishing it was minho.
their bodies moved to the rhythm of classical music as they danced, they held hands and moved from one place to another, hyunjin's long fingers slid through jisung's, pulling him back to him, despite the little smile jisung was giving lack of emotion were giving him away, that broke hyunjin's heart..
the silent was to loud even with music playing in the background.
" You think of him don't you?....."
he couldn't say anything, which of course was true. hyunjin understood, stroking his hair as they moved in small rhythmic steps, chests against each other. hyunjin hoping that all this will be over soon and end well for jisung.
" I'm always here for you....."
jisung was standing in front of minho who just got up from his desk and got close to him, he was scared, minho didn't look very happy when jisung entered the room, he somehow looked annoyed.
"where have you been today?"
"s-school...you kn--" jisung couldn't continue after he was slapped that made him stumbled backward. he tight his head and held his hands in front of him, he was not allowed to resist anything that minho wanted to do to him. barely seeing half of his body from the chest to the bottom, his breath caught in his throat as he saw minho roll up his shirt sleeves. before he spoke, he heard minho chuckling.
" oh, I'm very sorry, was that guy Hwang that you were with?"
jisung's eyes were filled with horror, he stared at those dead cold eyes watching him like a prey. minho scared him, too much for him to say anything, he knew minho would beat him no matter what he say right now, that's how it was.
jisung fell on the floor immediately defending himself with his fists protecting his chest. he already could feel purple bruises forming as minho's polished shoes hit with no mercy all over his body, jisung cried in pain mumbling " please it hurts " but it felt endless, he took out his stress on jisung's body.
minho crouched by the jisung that shivered. he gripping younger hair dragging him closer to his face, causing him to whimper in pain.
"You won't see that boy again, understand?"
It was an order, not a threat. jisung could not control his emotions as he realized how much he hated this minho, how much he harmed him. at this moment of anger he couldn't love this person, was he changing? no...minho hasn't changed and never will, but jisung's heart did...
however, it was too late for him to turn around and leave minho's side. the only thing left for him was hope that minho will accept him as a friend, sex partner, or whatever he needed him for, and never speak to him unless he's allowed to, he just wants to be close to this person that ruined his life.
even though I am fully aware of everything, why did I allow this? I'm sorry....I know you didn't deserve this...but I can't resist. as usual jisung spent hours in the cold shower to get everything off his skin just in case. scratched his neck, back, knees but the habit remained him of feeling. he hit himself in the head while he was in the shower of ice cold water, banging his fists against his head while sobbing. even minho's hickeys didn't look great now, he found it uncomfortable to even look at himself.
It was the last days of school, jisung passed somehow as student with only passing grades. jisung couldn't describe how bad he felt, being a top student never made him particularly happy because he was always the best and it always was like that. that is reaching his dream felt so close, to finish as a top student get his scholarship for the best college with the best job as a lawyer, but fuck it all, all goals, minho was now his only goal. now at the bottom of his life he knew that he has to get hold on minho.
"Are you okay?" hyunjin approached him, jisung just nodded. they were in the middle of the graduation ceremony for the best students, in which jisung was not present for the first time this year, and that was breaking his heart.
"Look, at least you're still a better student than me" that made jisung laugh. It was a pity that it made him happy, but yes, at least he was better in something other than sucking on minho.
jisung wasn't well, all he thought about was minho and his heart ached, why does he even love him? lately this question pops up in his head, why? his lips that kiss him so sondly, so lovely, his cheeks that brush against his so tenderly while they make love, his words that sound so peaceful " ...breath, your alright.." when he is above him sweating, thrusting, feeling him deep inside, only while he is naked, that's the only time minho's eyes gets soft looking for love too.
He knows minho loved him for sex and his body only, everything outside of that was nothing to him, jisung knew that very well but he couldn't resist playing to his song.
When he arrived home, he was surprised to see his mother sitting on his bed, he started to cry out the happiness. minho doesn't let anyone on this floor, so he had no idea how she had gotten in.
" Mom..." they see each other almost every day and exchange a few words, but it has been a month's since the last time they had sit-down conversation. he dropped the backpack from his shoulder and rushed into her arms, he missed her so much. he missed the smell of her, and he felt like a little child who just wants to be held by his mother. unfortunately, something was weird; he couldn't feel hands on him, she wasn't giving him warmth back.
" Mom?...."
he knelt in front of her holding her hands in his, kissing them as tears rolled down them, he looked worn-out, awful to even describe, even if he tried to smile to his dear mother his pain could be readed all over his face.
they were sitting in silence, looking at jisung without any emotion as he was crying. It's about school jisung thought, his mother must have found out that he almost failed the school. jisung stood up thinking how to explain, the reason.
"jisung.... is it true?..."
"Um?..." jisung muttered gently, unsure of where this was leading. what will he say, that hyunjin dragged him out of school and that's how he--
" about you and Mr. Lee? "
...it can't be, right? nothing else mattered to jisung, right now he only wanted to be dead. he couldn't say a word, his throat hurted, he couldn't utter a single word, he just stood there panicking while his mother waited for a response.
"Is it true...that my son is paying off debt in that way?........."
dead silence was an answer, everything died inside jisung, fields of flowers, the butterflies in his stomach, the gloomy sky, the music no longer played, everything disappeared out jisungs head. minho told her, that's was the only answer.
"if I don't hear your words, I'll consider it your answer" something hurted even more, his mother didn't look like it get het, she looked like she had already given up, she wasn't looking at her son but at a stranger.
"mom...."
"it's true...isn't it?" he clenched his fists, his teeth, closed his eyes knowing that he just lost another person, he coldly nod. he wasn't proud of himself, yeah he hated himself...now even more minho and something inside him suddenly switched. his lovely mother left the room leaving jisung, everything was clear to him, but the debt was still on their name.
there was no a single reason for minho to do this, losing felix was his fault, but his mother... he couldn't accept that. he rushed towards minho's room, anger filled up his cup. now it didn't matter to him any more, how will act and how minho will like that.
" you told my mother!! why!! I fucking hate you!! "
"...I sincerely apologize, I'll call right back." minho was on the phone, red face of embarrassment of jisung's door slamming, yelling, while a very important colleague was on the line.
there is nothing that could save jisung at the moment door was closer, he put out his cigarette making his way around the table. minho grabbed him by the neck slamming his head against the table, regardless of books, pens being there, jisung screamed in pain. he was pleasantly surprised by jisung's sudden behavior, he smirked looking at younger under him.
"...you just embarrassed me on call, you scream one more fucking time we're done."
jisung cried his lungs out, minho threw him down the floor, fixing his own suit right after. it hurted, his arms, his hip as he fell, but his heart hurted the most. he didn't want everything to be over, he didn't want to leave minho, even If he burned in this hell of the pain, minho saying it will be done, sounded so unrealistic.
"leave the room..."
"hyung..." he called through sobbing as he tried to get up and apologized. realizing what scene he just made.
he didn't even glance at jisung drowning in tears as he struggled to get up, he wanted to die and be relieved of this nightmare, he can't bear the pain no more. why is he doing all of this? why minho? what hurt you so much that I went out with a friend, it's just a friend.
"changbin!" tears covered everything in front of him, he was roughly grabbed and thrown out of the room, in front of the door he cried so loud and he couldn't care, he was close to fainting, but he helped himself to his room, of course changbin just stood in front of minho's door.
"just get it over with him"
those tired eyes looked him, as if he knew anything, jisung thought, leaving to his room. unfortunately, changbin knew everything, it's was not the first time he's seen this.
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thoughts?