Caroline and I were at a club, dancing.
Pretending everything was exactly the same, smiling...
It was exhausting, and I could barely pull it off.
Two guys came to dance with us.
Caroline smiled, giggling, dancing with her guy lively, pawing at his chest.
I let the guy who approached me spin me around, smiling, ending the spin behind the guy, looking at Caroline.
Caroline looked at me over the guy's shoulder, transforming, biting his neck, feeding, eyeing me, as if she was suspecting me and wanted proof that I was still emotionless.
Even though I hated it, I transformed, biting my guy's neck, feeding barely.
~~~~~~
Flashback
I stood in the living room of my own house with Stefan, Damon and Elena. "First step? Convince her that my humanity is still off. I'll tell her that my run-in with Tyler had no effect on me, and that is why I tried to kill Matt, and I want to keep the party going."
Damon looked at me in amusement. "Ah, look at that. The smart, selfless Nicola Salvatore has a plan." He looked at Stefan and Elena. "Told you guys she always figures it out." He looked at me. "Let me guess. Whoever's holding the kitten gets to talk about their feelings?"
"Torture her until she breaks," I told them.
Damon raised his eyebrows, impressed. "Sold."
"So, do I need to remind you guys that the last time Caroline thought that we were trying to flip her switch, she went on a killing spree?" Elena asked.
"Well, she's not gonna find out this time," I told them, picking up my phone, dialing the number, looking at Stefan.
I didn't know if Damon knew that Sarah was still alive, but if he didn't, I wasn't going to be the one to tell him.
~~~~~~
Now
Caroline and I walked out of the back door of the club, smiling, laughing, walking down the steps.
Caroline seemed slightly suspicious. "Okay, so, I'll bite. So, you hunt me down in a bar, where I am perfectly content feeding on the wait staff, so you can whine to me about how Stefan and Damon are dicks, and your long-lost sister is a bitch?"
"What kind of family keeps secrets like that for two decades?" I asked. "And, I'm sorry, but just because you're blood doesn't mean you're family. I met Sarah all of twice."
"You still saved her life," Caroline pointed out.
"That was then," I told her. "This is now."
"So, Tyler, Sarah, they had no effect on your humanity?" Caroline asked.
"None," I told her. "Whatsoever." I turned to face Caroline. "Hey, what do you say to a killing spree just to spite them for trying to make me turn it back on?"
Caroline smiled. "I like the sound of that."
~~~~~~
Flashback
Damon looked at Stefan and Elena. "See? She'll be convincing."
"Fine," Elena told us.
"So, what do we do once you earn her trust?" Stefan asked.
"We drain her of her blood, make her weak, and then bombard her with everything she used to care about," I answered. "Memories of who she was, her friendships, her mom." I barely glanced at Stefan. "You."
Stefan and Damon realized that I couldn't look at them directly still, even without the hex.
Stefan looked at Elena. "Did you bring it?"
"Yes," Elena answered, pulling out an envelope from her bag, handing it over to Stefan.
"What is that?" Damon asked.
"Caroline got rid of everything from her former life," Elena told us. "Her mom had sent this letter, intending for it to arrive after she died, which it did, but Caroline had already flipped her switch."
"It could work," Stefan told us.
"Sure," Damon agreed. He looked at me. "Tell me something. You got your humanity back. Why are you signing up to be locked up with a humanity-less vampire?"
"Because, believe it or not, Damon, some people want to make up for all of the horrible things that they've done," I answered. "I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for Caroline, and for me."
"Or you're just doing everything you can to avoid Tyler," Damon told me.
"Damon," I told him. "Shut up."
Damon looked down in slight guilt. "Okay. Sore subject. Understood. So when is this brilliant plan going down?"
I turned to leave. "As soon as possible."
~~~~~~
Now
Caroline and I walked down an abandoned street, looking down the way toward two guys in hoodies, facing away from us.
I looked at Caroline, smirking. "Dinner."
Caroline smirked, rushing toward the guys.
Stefan and Damon turned to face us, pulling back the hoods.
Damon smiled patronizingly. "Special delivery."
Damon held a vervain dart gun, shooting Caroline several times in the torso.
Caroline gasped in surprise, falling unconscious to the ground.
I walked toward Stefan and Damon, looking down at Caroline's unconscious body numbly.
Stefan had his own vervain dart gun in hand, looking at me. "Sure you want to do this?"
I sighed, finally looking directly at them. "Let's just get it over with."
Stefan nodded in guilt, shooting me with the vervain dart gun, making me gasp in pain, falling unconscious.
~~~~~~
Three days.
That was how long Caroline and I had been locked up in a hotel room with two beds.
The sun shone into the room through an open window with bars attached to the inside.
Caroline woke on a bed, only to realize that her wrists had been slit while she was unconscious, causing her to bleed out all over the bed. She looked at me on the other bed, finding that my wrists had been slit, blood around me on the bed, but we were both healed by now. She sighed weakly. "Nicola?"
"Yeah?" I asked.
"What happened?" Caroline asked.
I sighed. "We got caught. Apparently, Damon will never get tired of slitting my wrists for me."
Caroline sighed, flopping backward onto her bed.
~~~~~~
Alaric and Jo were on watch duty, right out in the hallway outside of the room we were locked up in.
I was listening to them because I had nothing better to do.
"Oh," Jo said. "Did I tell you I got us into that cute bakery right off campus?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Alaric told her.
"To taste wedding cake for our wedding."
"Oh."
"I don't need to remind you... right around the corner?"
"Is this where I pretend to care about how our wedding cake tastes?"
"I just pulled a crummy all-nighter at a B&B we're supposed to be scouting for the wedding. You can care about cake. Did I mention that the cute bakery is right next door to an even cuter tequila bar?"
"Mm... Tequila. My favorite. Gin. Again. How many is that?"
I heard the sound of kissing, and then Elena's voice. "Oh! Um. Ahem."
"Elena!" Alaric told her awkwardly. "Hey."
"We were just keeping a really close eye on your friends..." Jo trailed off.
"Yeah," Alaric told her, clearing his throat. "Real close."
"Yeah," Elena told them in amusement. "I can see that."
"Yeah," Alaric told her.
"Good news," Elena told them. "Your shift's over. I'm here to relieve you."
"In that case, I'm just gonna head to the honeymoon suite," Jo told them.
Alaric cleared his throat. "Uh, supplies are right here. Uh, cards are right there just in case you get bored."
"Supplies," Elena told him. "Got it."
"Yeah," Alaric told her. "Great. So, we'll see you in a few hours."
"Ric?"
"Yeah?"
"It's really nice to see you happy."
"Oh, thanks." Caroline groaned miserably. "I think they're awake, so... Have fun with that."
Caroline used all the strength that she had to rattle the bars on the windows, but it was to no avail. She groaned, growling in frustration, shaking the bars. "They vampire-proofed a B&B." She breathed heavily, clearly out of breath from trying so hard to break free, turning back to me. I was just lying on the couch. "Why are you so calm? Help me."
"Because I already tried," I told her. "You're wasting your energy."
Caroline whined. "Every move I make feels like sandpaper rubbing against my veins."
"They're drying us out," I told her. "First they drain our blood, then they starve us."
"I know how desiccation works, Nicola," Caroline told me in annoyance, picking up a mini-bottle of vodka from the table, opening it.
"Ah-ah," I told her. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"I can literally feel my cells shrinking," Caroline told me.
"Yeah, well, trying bleeding out in your own basement," I told her. "And you do realize that vodka to a desiccating vampire is like salt water to a human, right?"
"What's with the lecture?" Caroline asked in annoyance. "Just shut up and let me enjoy this."
Caroline drank the entire mini-bottle in one drink, sighing in relief.
Stefan appeared on the other side of the door. "Knock, knock."
Caroline and I looked at Stefan.
I played the part of an angry, humanity-less vampire. "Stefan. Let me guess. Humanity Police was your idea."
Stefan opened the window on the window on the door to the room, revealing Elena standing behind him.
"We really want you back, Caroline," Elena told her.
Caroline laid on her side on the bed with her head propped up with one hand. "Remember that time Jeremy died and you turned of your humanity and tried to kill the prom queen, AKA your best friend Bonnie? I forget. Nikki, was that before or after she killed some waitress for no reason?"
I smirked. "I think it was after." I sat up on the couch. "Oh, and let's not forget about you, Stef. When you turned it off after Klaus made you his little bitch. You tried to kill Damon, Elena, me. Oh, and then, the worst part is when you didn't even have it off. When you lied to me my whole life about a long-lost sister, and then so stupidly believed that she was the key to bringing my humanity back. You see, Caroline and I are just finding it a little ironic that you think you're both qualified to lecture us how to deal with the death of a loved one or being forced to turn it off."
"We're not here to preach to you, Nicola," Elena told me. She looked at Caroline. "I just came to show you this." Elena held the envelope up, slipping it through the bars. Caroline looked up. I stood from the couch, taking the letter, examining it curiously. "This letter from your mom arrived at our dorm just a few days after her funeral. Apparently, there was something she wanted to tell you."
Caroline sat up on the bed.
I walked toward Caroline, handing the letter to her. "Does this look real to you?"
Caroline stood, examining the letter. "Her impeccably perfect handwriting? Yep. I remember when she taught me how to write my name in cursive." In that moment, it almost seemed like she was feeling some emotion as she looked at her mother's handwriting on the envelope, but when she looked back up at me, her eyes said it all. "So, what, am I supposed to read this and snap back to sad, pathetic, motherless Caroline? Burn it."
I raised my eyebrows. "What?"
"Did I say, 'Stand there and look stupid'?" Caroline asked. "No. I said, 'Burn it.'"
Elena was horrified.
"Well, maybe you should read it first, Nikki," Stefan told me.
"Why do I care?" I asked.
"You wouldn't," Stefan told me. "But Caroline might when she turns it back on. One of you should know what it says, at least. Caroline's obviously not gonna read it. Maybe you should be the one to tell her. I mean, what happens if eventually she gets her humanity back, and she hates you for destroying the last thing her mom wanted to say to her?"
Caroline gave me a suspicious glare.
I looked at Stefan, keeping up the ruse. "I'm sorry. But you're the last person who should be giving lectures about family, Stefan."
I grabbed a match book off the top of the old fireplace, lighting the matching, holding it up for Stefan and Elena to see.
Elena looked at me in panic, whispering. "Nicola, don't! No!" I had no choice in the matter if I wanted Caroline to continue to believe I had no humanity, slowly lighting the envelope with the lit match, making it seem to Caroline that I was just rubbing in their faces when really I was reluctant to do it. Elena desperately gripped the bars on the door. "No!"
"Sorry, guys," I told them, walking over to the table, dropping the flaming letter in the ashtray. "But, if you want us back, you're gonna have to try a lot harder than that."
The letter burned.
Elena looked devastated.
Caroline looked gleeful.
I looked at Stefan expressionlessly, looking away.
~~~~~~
Caroline and I were listening to Damon and Elena's conversation on the patio just below our room.
Elena sounded stressed and upset. "She burned the letter. That was my ace in the hole. I blew it."
"Look," Damon told her. "The fact that you suck at torturing people is nothing to be ashamed off. That's why you have me."
"Well, at least Alaric and o can cross this off their list of honeymoon options."
"They have a list?"
"Mm-hmm. Jo's pregnant. They didn't want to have to fly anywhere."
"Do you have a list?"
"Of where I'd go on my fictional honeymoon before I give birth to my fictional baby? No. But not here."
"I thought you liked this place."
"Really? What part of extreme floral patterns screams Elena Gilbert to you?"
"Well, excuse me, missy. I guess we've never played the 'Let's Pretend We're Human' fantasy game together. All right. Let's play. You're human. Five years from now, where are you?"
"Easy. With you."
"Boring. I'll need a zip code."
"Okay. Uh, in a loft in Tribeca above the bar that you work at."
"You made me Matt Donovan in your fantasy?"
"Okay. You... you own the bar, and when you're not working there, you're... You're on the couch, pouring me wine and massaging my feet after a long day at the OR. I'm in the surgical residency program."
"Of course you are. Kids?"
"Yeah, of course, eventually, but we should, um, probably have two, you know, so they can keep each other company when we're, you know, distracted by other things."
"Hmm... You got it all figured out, don't you?"
"How about you? Your turn. Five years from now, where are you?"
"Um..."
Caroline yelled loud enough for them to hear. "This is torture!"
"Sounds like the rats are restless," Damon told her.
Caroline was restless, groaning loudly. "Ugh. Like, actual torture. Elena and Damon talking about their future. Ugh! Just... I want to die."
"They'll make a mistake eventually," I told her. "And, when they do, we will pounce and drain the first person we can get our teeth on."
"Oh, my God," Caroline said. "What I would do for just a sip of human blood."
I sighed.
Damon appeared to taunt us by opening the window on the door. "Bored yet? Oh, hey, Nikki, this bring back any memories? Being locked up in the basement and being drained of blood?"
"Go to hell, Damon," I told him. "Oh, no, wait. On second thought, thanks for bringing that up. Because that just means that every reason I am in here is because of you. You killed Gail and her baby, my sister, and you told Kai, of all people in the world, who turned around and gave me a hex after you turned me into the thing that I hated most, only to have me turn my humanity off. Really spectacular work."
Damon was obviously affected but pretended not to be. "Brought you some real light reading from the 'True Crime' section." He tossed some pictures clipped to crime files into the room. The files were all of people who we had killed since turning off our humanity. "Curious. Which one of you idiots attacked a stadium security guard and stuffed him in a laundry cart?"
"That would have been me," Caroline answered.
Caroline and I stood.
Damon shrugged. "Nice technique. Although, it's probably good that your mom's gone, because that would have been a hell of a cover up." I walked to the door, picking up the files. "You know, it's really quite sad, actually. I can see Liz right now..." Caroline rolled her eyes. "Calling the parents, breaking the news, wondering where she went wrong as a mother."
Damon tossed the rest of the files into the room.
"She got cancer, Damon," Caroline told him. "That is where she went wrong."
"Oh," Damon said. "Blame her. Healthy attitude, Caroline."
"You know what?" Caroline asked. "You're right. I should really just be more like you and Elena, just play make-believe about the future that I can't have, because that's healthy." Elena approached the door to join Damon. Caroline spoke mockingly. "Maybe I'll pretend I can actually give birth to babies and have a normal family, and I can get a job without having to move and start over every five years. I can operate on my patients without wanting to feed on them."
Damon was clearly not pleased by the fact that Caroline was making Elena feel so badly. "You're a real bitch when you're hungry."
"I'm curious, Damon," Caroline told him. "How does it feel to know that you can't give someone the life that she really wants?" She looked toward me. "And how does it feel to know that you destroyed your only family that has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for you repeatedly, by turning her into the very thing that you are?" She looked at Damon. "And knowing that there will never be a way to make it up to her or fix it, especially after what she just found out about her older sister?" She looked at Elena, shaking her head. "Honestly, I can't see how you can be so blindly in love with someone so horrible."
"Shut up, Caroline," Elena told her angrily.
Caroline smiled in satisfaction. "I'm just stating the facts, Elena. You didn't want this life. Nicola didn't want this life. The difference between you and her? At least she doesn't play fantasy land, like you. In this life, the one where you're vampires, you both will always be settling, and it's just so sad. At least Nikki can own up to who she really is without making her life worse by making imaginary worlds, no matter how miserable she is."
"I can't listen to this," Elena told us.
"Elena," Damon told her.
"I don't want to hear it, okay?" Elena asked, walking away, leaving.
Damon looked at me, knowing that everything that Caroline had said was the truth.
I didn't react to the gaze.
Damon closed the window in the door.
~~~~~~
Caroline and I were listening to Damon and Elena again.
"Damon, Caroline's not right. I'm not settling."
"But you do want to be human."
"You said it yourself. If I was human, we wouldn't work."
"Exactly. It wouldn't work. Human-you chose Stefan."
"Why are you acting like this?"
"Just admit what you really want, Elena."
"What do you want me to say, Damon? You want me to say that I'm never gonna be 100% okay with being a vampire for the rest of eternity? Fine. But I'm okay with that, because then that means I get to be with you forever, and just the thought of that is good enough for me. Why isn't it enough for you?"
We could hear a phone ringing, and then Damon's voice. "Oh, good. Mommy Dearest."
"I'll let you take that," Elena told him.
We could hear Damon answer the phone.
The woman's voice on the other line was calm, but deadly serious. "Where have you been?"
"What are you, my mother?"
"Is it with you?"
"Is what with me?"
"The Ascendant. It's not where I left it, and I very much doubt the housekeeper took it."
"Maybe you misplaced it."
"It is the only thing that can get my people back. I did not misplace it."
"Well, I don't have it, so start pulling up pillow cushions."
"You have not heard me, son. I need it back."
"It's really not a priority on my list of problems right now, Mother."
"Find it, or rest assured, I can just as easily destroy something of great significance to you. Tucked inside a shoe box. Clearly you've learned the art of hiding from your mother."
"You wouldn't do that."
"Bring me the Ascendant, or I will crush the Cure to vampirism with my own hand."
What the hell?
There was no way.
Katherine took that... and then Silas, and then Amara.
There was no way that Damon or his mother, Lily, by the way, had the Cure.
There was just no way.
Caroline laid on the bed, groaning, pulling my attention back to us in our locked room. "Ugh. It's like a million degrees in here."
"Tell me about it," I told her, looking at the police file of all the victims we had killed since turning it off, closing it.
I looked at Caroline, doing what Stefan taught me.
~~~~~~
Vision
Caroline sat up. "She speaks. You were so quiet earlier when I was tearing into Elena. I was scared you were feeling sad for her."
"No," Nicola told her. "It was just hard to get a word in, that's all. Besides, I don't care much for Elena."
"Right," Caroline told her. "Your real grudge is with Stefan and Damon, and you had plenty to say to them. Almost as if you had feelings to back those words. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Et cetera."
Nicola shook her head. "No. Just saying what they needed to hear to get under their skin. I'm sure you can understand that."
Caroline hesitated, shaking her head. "No. That was almost too good, better than what I said to Elena, but then again, I don't have the feelings to channel into what I'm saying. When did you flip it back?"
Nicola chuckled once. "What are you talking about?"
"Your humanity's been back on this whole time, hasn't it?" Caroline asked. "Stefan and Damon knew where to find us because you told them, and that's why they were only picking on me."
Nicola tried to maintain her cover. "You must be having heatstroke."
"How dumb do you think I am, Nicola?" Caroline asked.
"Honestly?" Nicola asked. "If it took you this long to figure it out, I'd say... very."
Caroline looked at Nicola angrily, rushing toward her, snapping her neck, letting her body fall. She sighed, smiling, walking toward the door, summoning up all the strength she had, starting to violently kick the door, which, like the windows, was reinforced with iron bars. On the third try, she kicked the door right off the hinges, walking through the threshold, down the hall.
~~~~~~
Reality
Stefan unlocked the door once he saw that I was inside Caroline's head, walking in. "I can take it from here."
I stood from the floor. "Good. I'm out of here."
I walked toward the door, past Stefan without a look.
"Nikki," Stefan told me.
I stopped in the doorway. "Don't try to apologize, Stefan. Like I said, I'm not doing this for you, and you're not forgiven."
I walked out of the room, leaving.
Now it was up to Stefan to bring Caroline back from the edge like he and Sarah, and Tyler, had brought me.
~~~~~~
At home, in my room, I was packing a bag.
Damon was standing in the doorway. "You look better."
"Really don't feel like small talk, Damon," I told him. "Hex may be gone, but the anger and betrayal are not."
I pulled the bag over my shoulder.
"I get it," Damon told me.
I turned to face Damon. "No, I don't think you do. You have no idea what I went through just these past couple of months? Finding out some major family secret from two decades ago? Check. Finding out that I wasn't really an only child all this time, only to have it taken away? Check. Betrayed and nearly dying by and because of my lunatic vampire family again? Double check. Hex that made me lose my freaking mind and caused unbearable pain because I had to watch the greatest hits over and over again until I finally turned it off and became the thing that I never wanted to become?" I took a deep breath, shaking my head. "You have no idea. And it's all because of you and Stefan, Damon. So excuse me if I need a while to get to be me again, because I cannot stay here after everything that happened and after everything that I did."
I walked past Damon toward the door.
"I know you heard me," Damon told me. I stopped in the doorway. "My call with my mother, Lily. About the Cure."
I hesitated, but didn't look at him. "Is it true? Do you have it?"
"I did," Damon told me, turning to face me. "But now Lily has it, and she's going to destroy it."
I turned to face Damon in exasperation, tears in my eyes. "Then why are you telling me, Damon?"
"Because I was going to give it to you," Damon answered. I looked away, trying to stop myself from crying. "After everything that I did to you, I figured that this could have been the best apology I've ever given. But, you know, I did turn you for a couple reasons. You were a Potential for the Brotherhood of the Five, Nikki. And if you triggered it, you would become a mindless vampire-killing machine. You didn't have Tyler then like you do now. I didn't think you would have an emotional control like Jeremy does. And then there's the obvious one."
I nodded, looking down. "I'd be taking the risk of getting sick again. And I'd die. Again." Damon nodded. I shook my head barely. "I can't think about this. I can't make a decision like that right now."
"I know," Damon told me. "I'll stop my mother from destroying it. You take the time that you need."
I started to breathe heavily, shaking my head, turning around, walking out of the room quickly, leaving, never looking back.
I couldn't be here.