Perrie POV
To say the least, the night was rough. Very rough. To be honest I don't think I could have ever imagined experiencing something like that, but here we are.
"She slept through the whole show," Aaron told me as we came back to the chill room quite sweaty and tired after the show. There she was still lying on the couch with her eyes closed, still with no peaceful expression on her face. Sadly, I took a deep breath.
"Thank you for staying with her," I said sincerely to him, but he quickly waved me off. "Of course, every time."
We pondered for a long time how best to proceed. Should we wake her up? Should we just let her sleep and carry her into the car? Would we even be able to do that or would there be too many paparazzi loitering around? But she took the decision from us when she opened her eyes.
"Hi, baby," I greeted her, silencing all conversations around us. She looked at me silently and tried to smile narrowly as she sat up a bit. But quickly she stopped and held her head.
"Lie back down," I told her, but she wouldn't listen. She continued to try to sit up before I placed myself beside her to help her.
"How was the show?" she then croaked out, looking at me with such wide, tired eyes that I just hugged her tightly.
"It was okay," I explained tersely. Because what else could I say? I've learned my part, I know how unstable she is, how much her mind can go haywire if you say even one little wrong thing. If I say we missed her, she feels guilty. If I say the show was great, she thinks we're better off without her. It's hard to find the right words these days.
"Are you feeling better?", I then wanted to know. She hesitated to answer for a moment, which made me remind her, "Jade, be honest."
"I'm feeling a little nauseous," she then confessed.
"Do you think you're gonna throw up?", I echoed, but she just shook her head. "There's just the feeling of nausea that never really goes away," she explained, making me nod sadly. It's really nothing new, I'm afraid. The nausea has become a constant companion in her life.
"And otherwise?", I wanted to know further.
"I could go straight back to sleep to be honest," she admitted.
"Then we'll go straight to the hotel," I suggested.
She was adamant about wanting to walk herself and not be carried. So we complied with her request. It took forever to get to the car and by the time we were seated, she was sweatier and paler than before.
Outside the hotel, I then hesitated. "We'll wait for the security this time," I explained to the questioning looks why I hadn't moved one bit since we were parked here. But I won't be provoked like that again, not if I could help it.
It wasn't long, however, before the door was opened by John, Jade's new private security guard. She didn't know of her luck yet.
Once in the hotel room, I made sure we got to bed as quickly as possible. All the stress was starting to show on myself and I was more than ready to call it a night. As we stood side by side in front of the bathroom mirror, I looked with great horror into the sink where she had just spat her toothpaste into.
"Why is there blood?", I tried to ask as calmly and casually as possible. But inside I was freaking out.
"I have some sores on my gums," she explained tiredly, not wanting me to stress or worry. The doctor said it was normal as she is sensitive in general. He advised her not to brush her teeth and since she vehemently resisted this advice, it should come as no surprise. But it caused an uneasy feeling that I couldn't really suppress. She was so tired that she didn't even notice my looks at her.
She literally fell into bed and I quickly followed suit, more exhausted than I'd like to admit. I checked the alarm clock for tomorrow before I took the already half-asleep Jade into my arms and quickly joined her.
But the night turned out to be shorter than I thought...
Suddenly I woke up. Everything in the room was dark. Only scattered lights from the nightlife in Glasgow shone in. The sun had not yet risen. I blinked into the darkness a few times, trying to make out my surroundings, before reaching over to the side of the bedside table to pick up my phone.
3:15 in the morning.
What the hell.
As I sleepily pondered why I had woken up at that hour, I instinctively placed my hand on the other side of the bed. It was empty.
"Jade?", I asked into the darkness and quickly sat up and switched on the light beside the bed. With narrowed eyes, I looked into the room, but I didn't see her anywhere.
"Jade?", I asked again louder and suddenly I heard something. A soft whimper.
I immediately jumped up, falling over my own legs in my haste. But when I finally stood, I froze for a moment. There she was, lying stomach first on the floor, crying softly to herself.
I quickly pulled myself out of my stupor and rushed to her side. I knelt in front of her, at her head, but had no idea what was going on or what I could even do.
Carefully, I put a hand on her back and asked softly, "Hey, what's wrong? What happened?"
But she didn't answer, she didn't respond in any war. She just kept crying. And I felt helpless.
"Are you in pain? What is it?", I cried desperately now, but she still made no effort to explain herself in any way, to answer in any way. And that's when I got scared. What if she couldn't answer? What if she couldn't speak? What if she was in such agony that she was physically unable to get a proper sound out of her?
Without thinking, I turned her onto her back so I could look into her face. I know her better than I know myself by now. I know every expression on her face. And she didn't look like she was in unbearable pain. Those weren't tears of pain. Those were tears of sadness and misery.
I quickly picked her up to hold her in my arms as she began sobbing hopelessly into my chest. She sobbed as heartbreakingly as I have ever experienced. It sent chills down my spine. It scared the hell out of me.
I desperately wanted to know what was going on, wanted to get to the bottom of this state, this dissolution. But right now I would get nothing out of her. So much I knew. So I just held her, was her shoulder to lean and cry on, was her rock. And she just kept sobbing and letting me hold her.
For half an hour we sat there like that and I really despaired.
"Jade, talk to me. What's going on?", I tried again.
She just shook her head. She still couldn't calm down so she couldn't get a sound out due to her sobs.
"I want to help you, so bad. But you have to talk to me," I was now literally begging her.
"I...I fell," she finally croaked out. But I just stared at her in confusion. That couldn't possibly be the reason for this outburst. Unless she fell in such a way that she seriously hurt herself.
"Are you in pain? Did you hurt yourself?", I continued to ask, but she just shook her head with the most miserable and unhappy face I've ever seen.
"I got up and felt so dizzy," she continued sobbing.
"What made you get up?", I cautiously probed, still trying to figure out what the problem could be.
"Bathroom," she said meekly, already shaking with all that crying.
"Why didn't you wake me up? I would have helped you," but I can already guess the answer.
"I thought I could do it on my own," she explained before bursting into tears again. "God, I really can't do anything."
"Hey no, don't say that. It's not a big deal. It happens," I quickly clarified, only taking her tighter in my arms to gently stroke her back. But she still didn't calm down, on the contrary. She only sobbed harder.
"Perrie I..." she began, suddenly unable to get out a single sound.
"I..." she continued to stammer and I just stared at her questioningly.
"What?", I told her as affectionately as I could.
"I...I think I...p...peed myself."
And only now did I realise it. Only now did I feel the wetness of her pants and on the floor. I was shocked for a split second and didn't know how to act while she just kept sobbing. But then I didn't think twice and immediately hugged her tighter, not caring if I got any of it on me in the process. This must be her personal low point. She must feel so embarrassed, so humiliated. I wished I could somehow take these feelings away from her, but I knew nothing I could say would help her right now.
"I'm so disgusting," she croaks, confirming my thoughts, even though it's utter nonsense. I just hold her tighter.
"Stop it," I said quickly. "You're not, you could never be. You just couldn't help it," and I meant every word. But she was, at that moment, unable to perceive anything properly about what I was saying. "You're beautiful no matter what state you're in," I promised her, but it didn't really reach her.
It took a long time and a lot of I love you's and everything will be okay's for her to calm down at least a little and for the shaking and the horrible sobs to stop.
"I tried waking you but no sound came out and I was too dizzy to get up on my own. And then I couldn't hold it," she then explained to me a little more calmly and it really broke my heart.
"I'm so sorry," was all I could say over and over again.
I was rarely so overwhelmed by a situation. I didn't want to make her feel worse by suggesting a shower, but I also knew she probably needed one. I didn't want to send her to bed like this either, even though she looked so tired. So I just allowed us to sit here on the floor for ages, in the spot where it happened.
But then, thankfully, she said, "I think I need a shower."
"Okay, I'll help you," I said immediately.
And I did. I helped her to her feet, led her into the bathroom, undressed her, stood in the shower with her and rinsed her off. I think she could have done some of that on her own, physically at least. But she was so shaken up by the whole incident that she was no longer functioning properly.
By now it was 4:50 a.m. and it was already starting to dawn outside. I made sure she was in bed, snuggled up in the blanket and sat beside her until she fell asleep. But even though my body was screaming for it and I was dead tired, I knew I couldn't go back to bed like that just yet. I have no idea what it smells like, but I knew from stories that urine is not the most pleasant smell. Therefore, before she would wake up again, I wanted to make sure that all traces of the incident were removed. Only how? Where would I get cleaning products in the middle of the night? And how could I explain that if I had to ask someone for it?
I went outside the door in despair and winced in fright.
"John, I didn't know you were here," I said a bit shaken up.
"Day and night, as requested," he explained tersely.
"So you're a vampire who never needs sleep?", I joked, surprising myself that I was even capable of that right now.
"I'm on night duty and Tom is there for you during the day," he then explained with a wink.
"Can you do me a favour?", I decided to keep it short. "I need cleaning supplies and a rag. No questions asked, please."
"Will do," he said immediately without even a hint of confusion on his face, which surprised me.
And so, by now at five in the morning, I found myself in the company of chirping birds and the steadily rising sun, scrubbing the floor like mad, hoping to eliminate any possibly unpleasant smell. Finally, I sprayed half my perfume on the spot and washed the affected clothes by hand so that no one would ever know about all this.
"Jesus Christ, what happened in here?", I am roused from my sleep. I squint against the bright lights that seem to have been turned on and sit up sleepily.
"What are you doing here?", I whine, wanting nothing more than to fall back into my deep sleep.
"You two have disappeared off the face of the earth. You're not answering any calls or texts and you didn't go to breakfast. We were starting to get worried," Leigh explains and a look at her face tells me she means it.
"Sorry," I say still sleepy and rub the sand out of my eyes before looking to the side. At first I'm relieved to see her beside me. But then comes the questioning. Why is she still asleep? How can she continue to sleep while I am startled out of it by the loudness that came into the room through Leigh-Anne and Jesy? Even though I have always been the deepest sleeper of all of us?
But then something else suddenly strikes me.
"What time is it?", I ask, trying not to let my panic show directly.
"You guys slept till noon," Jesy explains, eyeing me quizzically.
"Fuck," I say loudly and jump out of bed. "No, how can that happen. I just slept through all the alarms!" Now the panic really kicks in.
"It's not that bad," Jesy says, obviously not understanding the extent of this oversleeping.
"Jade's medication!", I explain tersely, only earning more confused looks. "She has to take the pills very strictly at the same times in the morning. I usually have several alarms for that, to be reminded and just not to oversleep!"
I rush to her bag and take out the medication before it occurs to me again that she would have to be awake for that.
"Jade, wake up," I say loudly as I rush towards her. But she continues to keep her eyes tightly shut. "Hey, come on. You need your meds!"
But she doesn't wake up, she doesn't even move.
"Why doesn't she wake up?", I now ask annoyed and sit down next to her to touch her shoulders. But that doesn't help either. I shake her a little and as sudden concern spreads as to why the hell she doesn't just wake up, I shout at her, "Jade, wake up now!"
And she finally opens her eyes, but the look on her face tells me that she's not really there. That I seem to have just jerked her out of the deepest sleep she's ever had in her life.
"What?" she croaks out, in a voice so hoarse that under normal circumstances I'd go straight for it. But today, for some reason, I don't. Today I'm just stressed out.
"Your meds. You have to take them now," I explain forcefully.
"Why?" And I let out a short groan. Today seems to be another one of those days.
"Your treatment, babe. We overslept and we're late. You have to take them right now," I explain gruffly.
"But I'll only feel bad again afterwards," she breathes in a shaky voice. And I hear fear and tiredness in it. But we can't help it, it is what it is.
"Unfortunately, that's the price to pay to get better. Besides, these aren't the bad ones today," I remind her.
"But I don't want to," she says in such a broken voice that it makes us all freeze for a moment. But while Jesy and Leigh look at her with pity, I get impatient and start shouting at her: "I'm not discussing this with you! I'm neither your mother nor your nurse. It's about your damn treatment, you could have set a bloody alarm yourself! Now open your mouth and swallow the fucking pills!"
She stares at me deeply sad and shocked at the same time and I myself can hardly believe that I have just spoken to her like that and directly regret it, but I am also so tense and inexplicably annoyed right now that I can't even admit it to her. She opens her mouth without another word, takes the medication from my hand and complies with my demand.
"Perrie, did you spill all of your perfume on the floor?", Jesy then breaks the tense silence. I look at her confusedly at first and share a questioning look with Jade before the events of last night seem to come to both of our minds. Tears gather in her eyes instantly.
"Oh, yeah, yeah it fell out of my hands. Do you smell it that bad?", I try to cover it up.
"Good thing you don't, it's like a perfumery in here," she explains, yanking open the windows. But I just shrug my shoulders. I guess they'd rather smell perfume than anything else. But Jade is visibly upset and cannot hold back the tears. I hug her briefly, but nowhere near as tightly and lovingly as I usually do, and say curtly, "It's all right. Don't worry about it."
"Pez, can I talk to you outside?", I suddenly hear Leigh-Anne say and I look at her, confused. What could there be to talk about. But, even if reluctantly, I follow her out of the room.
"Is everything okay?" she doesn't falter.
"Of course, why wouldn't it be?", I ask back quickly.
"You sure?" she doesn't seem to believe a word I say.
"Absolutely. We're on tour, Jade has cancer, I'm being sued, the night was rough. We're fine," I return sarcastically. Leigh-Anne watches me briefly as I avoid her gaze, arms crossed. But it's not long before tears come to my eyes. Tears of sorrow, of exhaustion, of anger. And suddenly it all comes out and Leigh-Anne is there in an instant.
"It's okay, I've got you," she whispers in my ear as she hugs me tightly and I let all the tears and feelings run free.
"Maybe you need a break," she suggests as we break away from each other after a few minutes.
"This is my life now. I can't take a break from life, Lee Lee," I counter bitterly.
"At least a few hours," she doesn't falter. "Come out with me and explore the city a bit until we have to go to the arena and let Jesy watch Jade."
"I can't leave her alone when she's feeling bad."
"With all due respect, with the way you just talked to her, you're definitely not helping her." And immediately a guilty conscience sets in. "The girl loves you like nothing else in the world and she needs you. But you're only human and sometimes it can get to be too much. That's normal, you don't have to feel bad for it."
And I think about this suggestion for a long time, although I actually know exactly that she is right. I'm at the end of my tether after last night, I'm hitting rock bottom myself, but I can't take it out on her. Ever.
"Okay," I then say quietly. "But I have to change real quick."
Narrator POV
"Are you okay today, Jadey?" Jesy asks as they both look curiously after Leigh-Anne and Perrie who are just out the door.
"I'm fine," she returns tight-lipped, and that answers everything for Jesy.
"Rough night?" she follows up, to which Jade quickly avoids her gaze. "What makes you say that?"
"You seem a little tired, even more than usual," Jesy explains, a little taken aback by Jade's defensive attitude at such a normal question.
"Oh, yeah. I'm just not feeling too well this morning," she admits.
"What's wrong?", Jesy wants to know, but Jade hesitates, as usual. But this time, instead of asking further, she simply lies down in bed next to Jade, puts her arm around the brunette's fragile shoulders and gives her a little squeeze so that she leans her head against her chest. Jesy starts stroking her forehead and hair soothingly.
"You're pretty warm, babe," she then notices. "You have a fever?"
Jade just nods, barely noticeable. The way she feels, it wouldn't surprise her. On the contrary, it would even make sense. But that's not at all what's getting her down right now. Rather, it's the events of last night that popped into her head as soon as Perrie's perfume was mentioned.
"What else is going on in that head of yours?" Jesy asks.
"I just...I hate being such a burden to Perrie," she admits. Just remembering what a nursing case she was last night, how helpless she was, how much Perrie had to take care for her. And then she wakes up to the smell of cleaning products and Perrie's perfume. Did she spend the whole night cleaning up her mess?
"You're not a burden," Jesy wants to disagree, but she doesn't sound all that convinced. How could she? In a way it's true. The second Perrie found out about the diagnosis, she didn't leave Jade's side.
"Of course I am," Jade says quickly. "She's literally my caregiver. She does everything for me, no questions asked. And she's right, she's not my mother and she's not my nurse. She doesn't have to do anything."
"But she is your girlfriend who loves you more than anything. She's happy to do all this for you," Jesy clarifies.
"I'm so ungrateful," Jade begins to doubt herself.
"In what way are you ungrateful? I haven't heard a single bad word from you in Perrie's direction," Jesy pauses in wonder.
"Because I'm only getting worse instead of better..."
"Babe, you don't mean that...", Jesy is stunned. "It's not like you can control that. Don't ever feel guilty about being sick. It's not your fault."
"I know...it's just...hard. Especially for her. And sometimes I wonder if she didn't make the wrong decision leaving Alex for me. Look where we are now? What kind of life is this?", Jade is very honest for the first time in forever.
"She chose this life because she loves you. She knew what she was getting into and that didn't make her hesitate her for a second. Let her be there for you. There will be better days," Jesy tells her.
"Will there?", Jade thinks, not actually planning to say those words out loud, but Jesy heard her quite well.
"Hey, stop with the pessimism, of course there will be." But she doesn't get much further than that as the door opens again and Leigh and Perrie come back in.
"Babe, Leigh and I are going out for a bit, is that okay with you? I'm sure Jesy can keep you some company," Perrie asks without really looking in Jade's direction.
"Of course it's okay," Jade replies with a small smile. "Have fun and don't do anything I would normally do."
Perrie barely registers the response and disappears into the bathroom to get ready.
"I can really leave you two alone?" she asks again when she returns.
"Yeah, don't worry about it. Jadey and I will order room service in a minute, have some breakfast and otherwise stay snuggled up in bed, won't we, Jade?" Jesy says with a wink, getting an honest smile from Jade in return.
"Sounds perfect," Leigh-Anne replies, also smiling, while Perrie puts her shoes on, lost in thought.
"What would you like to eat?" she then inquires, already picking up the room phone.
"She can stomach porridge quite well, at least most of the time," Perrie beats her to it before Jade can even open her mouth. Jesy looks thoughtfully between them for a moment before she simply repeats: "Okay. And Jade? What would you like to eat?"
"I'm not really hungry..." she says meekly, but when she sees Perrie roll her eyes she changes her answer, "But I'll try some porridge."
"Ready, Pez?" Leigh then asks as Perrie finally ties her shoes.
"Yeah, let's go."
"Bye, girls," Leigh says to the other two.
"Have fun!", Jesy calls after them.
"Love you, Pez," Jade says quietly, but it's loud enough to make Perrie pause at the door for a moment. As if she only realises in this second that she's barely looked at Jade since she re-entered the room. Finally she turns and walks towards the brunette. She takes her face in both hands and presses a quick kiss to her lips.
"Love you too. Call me if you need me."
Leigh-Anne took it upon herself to avoid any stressful or nerve-wracking topics. She just wanted to take Perrie's mind off the harsh daily grind and reality she was currently experiencing. She wanted to give her a few hours of peace where she didn't have to think or worry about anything. She wanted to give her back her laughter. And she succeeds.
After a couple of hours, they come back to the hotel room laughing and giggling loudly, where Jesy gives them a stern look. And the smile promptly falls from Perrie's face. She has forgotten. She has, as a matter of fact, forgotten that Jade, her girlfriend, is in the hotel room and most likely asleep. She prays that she hasn't woken the brunette despite her loud entrance and the slammed door. But to no avail. Jade literally startles up, tries to sit up a little and rubs her red eyes.
"Hey," she says sleepily, giving up the struggle of sitting and leaning against Jesy, who hasn't left her position in bed.
"Hi," Perrie says, a little embarrassed, and quickly hurries towards her to sit on the edge of the bed.
"How was your trip?" Jade asks, but it seems to visibly strain her to even talk. And Perrie sees that immediately. And all the carelessness of the last hours is forgotten.
"Today is not a good day, is it?" she states sadly and Jade simply cannot lie. So she shakes her head. Only now does Perrie notice the sweaty forehead and the damp cloth in Jesy's hand. Instinctively, Perrie grabs her face.
"Guys," Jade breathes and Pez looks deep into her eyes. "What?"
"I don't think I can perform today," she admits quietly.
"That's okay," Perrie says, even though she almost forgets to breathe with worry. It's rare enough for Jade to admit that.
"I'm not feeling so well," she then huffs, and Perrie shares a look with Jesy.
"I think she's got a fever," she explains. "She's been asleep most of the time, but never really peaceful. I've been trying to give her some comfort with the cold cloth, but I don't know if it's done anything...Maybe we should call the doctor."
Perrie listens carefully, then watches Jade, who has already half-closed her eyes again, before agreeing with Jesy. "Yeah, I think so too."
As well as the doctor, they took the precaution of calling Sam, who also joined them directly.
"Jade, I'm going to take a look in your mouth," the doctor warns her, but she is unresponsive enough that he doesn't wait for a reaction, which wouldn't come anyway, but simply opens her mouth and shines a small torch inside.
"Oh no...I kinda expected that," he mutters under his breath, but Perrie glances over his shoulder with wary eyes. "What?" she asks immediately.
He then clears his throat and explains, "From the looks of it, she has bloody, open sores on her gums. As I told you before this happens very quickly with cancer patients when the toothbrush rubs against the gums. Unfortunately, it now seems to be the case that the sores have become infected. That explains the high fever," he says and Perrie just shakes her head in annoyance.
"I don't believe this," she mutters aloud. "This stupid toothbrushing. I told you, didn't I?!"
"I'm sorry," Jade breathes tearfully, but Perrie won't have it.
"How come you never listen to the doctors, no matter what they say?! For fuck's sake, Jade!"
"It's so gross to not brush your teeth..." she explains, visibly embarrassed.
"Oh so you think it's better to have a high fever and god knows what else?!" she's almost shouting now. "I'm so sick of you being so fucking self-destructive! You kill yourself and expect us all to just stand by and watch!"
"I told you I was sorry..."
"An apology won't cut it this time!" and Jade downright winces. "What else is going to happen, Jade!? Where else is this going to go!? What more am I supposed to do for you!?"
"That's enough," Jesy interjects. "Perrie, shut up or get out."
"You don't tell me what to do!"
"I will if you keep acting like a bitch!" she argues.
"Both of you shut up now!", Leigh-Anne puts her foot down before turning to the doctor again, "Do we need to get to the hospital?"
"I don't think so," he explains calmly. "I have the necessary medication here. Let's try this for now."
Leigh, meanwhile, places herself next to Jade on the bed and takes her in her arms after Jesy almost jumps on Perrie. "It's okay. Get some rest, go to sleep. No one is mad at you," she speaks to her. And even though Jade is agitated like rarely before, she's so tired that she's asleep in only a few minutes.
"What the hell, Perrie?" Leigh whispers, stunned. "How could you say all that to her?"
"It's all true, isn't it?!" she fights back.
"But she doesn't need to hear that, especially not when she's feeling the way she does today. Have you gone completely mad?", Jesy also hooks in. And Perrie opens her mouth, wanting to say something against it, but quickly closes it again as tears suddenly appear on her cheeks.
"Fuck," she says quietly. "Fuck, you guys are right. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"You're stressed, it's okay. Just take it out on us rather than her," Jesy informs her before Sam also speaks up, "Girls, I hate to say it, but you need to get going to the arena. Don't worry, I'll stay here and watch her."
The concert was lousy. The girls did their best to bring a good atmosphere, to hype themselves up, but you could tell their minds were elsewhere. And the fans certainly noticed. One show without Jade is one thing, a second one in a row caused unease, even if everyone should know why she's not there. And Perrie, meanwhile, was completely out of it. Today is just a day everything becomes too much for her, when her problems seem to catch up with her.
As they make their way back to the hotel, they are silent, all deep in thought.
"Today was shit," Jesy sums up.
"Yep, we were quite bad today," Leigh agrees. "We're a just foursome."
"But normally three of us do at least halfway good. Today was really crap," Jesy disagrees and Perrie just feels guilty for it and hides her face in her hands.
"Guys, I'm really sorry. I think it was me. I just wasn't on my game," she admits.
"We all kind of weren't. A lot is going on right now," Leigh soothes her, but Jesy doesn't want to hear about it, she'd rather get to the background of the problem.
"Pez, honestly, what was your problem today?" she blurts out.
"Just a shitty day. I'm stressed and tired," she admits honestly, but Jesy just frowns. "Stressed and tired? What's Jade then?"
"What do you mean?" asks Perrie, getting upset.
"Jade is permanently tired and certainly very stressed with the diagnosis and she'd never snapped at you like that," she says gruffly.
"Why is this about Jade all of a sudden?!", Perrie wants to know in surprise.
"Why were you in such a weird mood today? What else is stressing you out? And don't tell me it is that bloody paparazzo. That'll be off the table in a few days!"
"Are you being sued or am I? How do you know how I feel about it? I'm actually really upset!", Perrie justifies herself.
"So that's the only reason and Jade has nothing to do with your mood?", Jesy inquires incredulously.
"What do you want me to say? Why are you bringing her up all the time?"
"Because I witnessed what your freak out did to her earlier and I don't want to see her like that again! She should be concentrating on beating this fucking thing and not have to wonder if she pissed you off!", Jesy is now shouting.
"Oh, now all of a sudden you care about how she's doing?", Perrie flippantly throws back at her. "Where was your concern when she was in the hospital?"
"Perrie," Leigh tries to stop her, but with no luck.
"Where was the concern when you were too much of a coward to stand by her and would rather leave the band?"
"Don't be unfair," Jesy counters calmly.
"Don't be a hypocrite! I stand by her, day and night, no matter what! I hold her hair when she pukes, I hold her when she's feeling miserable, I feed her when I have to, I lied for her, I clean up her pee when she can't hold it," she declares in her fury and then immediately puts her hand over her mouth.
"Fuck," she says immediately. "You never heard that."
"What?" Leigh asks, stunned. "What happened?"
"Nothing...nothing, you can't know that, forget it," she says in a panic.
"Hey, relax and just calmly tell us what you're talking about," Jesy keeps trying, but Perrie shakes her head sadly. "Great, now I'm officially the world's worst girlfriend."
"You're definitely not, with everything you do for her," Leigh tries to get her to understand, but Perrie can't seem to perceive anything at that moment.
"God, why can't I ever keep my big mouth shut, I..."
"Pez, stop with the rambling and tell us what's going on!" Jesy prompts. "How did this happen?" But Perrie just continues to shake her head, completely beside herself as the tears just keep running.
"Do you know what Jade told me today?", Jesy then tries a different tack and actually gets Perrie's attention. "She said she's just a burden to you. That she wonders if you regret your decision to break up with Alex for her."
"What?", Perrie is shocked.
"She said she was ungrateful because she's getting worse and not better," Jesy adds.
"She really said that?" she wants to make sure again.
"She did," Jesy confirms tersely. "And she really believes it, I saw it in her eyes."
"Shit..." comes from Perrie before she explains sadly, "I woke up last night because I heard her sobbing. She was on the floor because she was so dizzy she fell, but she was too weak to get up or call for help, so she couldn't hold it in."
The other two eyed her in shock at first, but then quickly saddened.
"That poor thing, she doesn't deserve any of this," Leigh remarks.
"But now it makes sense. After everything she said...she's probably ashamed," Jesy thinks aloud.
"She thought I was disgusted with her," Perrie explains shaking her head.
"Were you?", Jesy prods.
"God, no, of course not!" Perrie clarifies. "Wait, is that what she thinks?"
"Well, with the way she was today and how guilty she feels..." she concludes.
"Oh shit...you're so right," Perrie then chimes in. "It was just so much. First with the paparazzi, then she couldn't perform, then...this...you know, it just made it so real...it just showed me again more clearly what point we're at and how...how sick she actually is. I was so sad for her this morning, so tired after the night and just done with it all...and I took it out on her. Fuck."
"Explain it to her, just like you just did to us," Leigh advises her, then pats her thigh.
When Perrie quietly walks into the hotel room, all the lights are off except for the screen on Sam's phone. When she sees the blonde coming in, she turns on the lamp next to the bed.
"Hey, how was the show?" she asks quietly.
"Could have been better," Perrie is honest and to her surprise Sam just nods it off. "How was your night?" she then wants to know.
"She slept most of the time. Only once did she wake up with a nosebleed. But other than that, nothing special," Sam tells her.
"Did the nosebleeds last long?"
"Yeah, quite long. But she told me it was normal. She also seemed like she was very uncomfortable with me helping her," to which Perrie just nods sadly. Apparently, that's to her credit.
"Thanks for staying with her," she then says sincerely.
"Anytime," Sam says. "Good night then."
And when Perrie finally settles into bed next to Jade, she immediately takes her in her arms, even though the brunette is fast asleep and oblivious to it all.
"I love you, babe. I'm sorry for today. I'll make it up to you, I promise."
That one was kinda hard to write, I actually witnessed a low like that once so... anyway, it was important for me to put even something like that in the story. I hope you liked the chapter :)
But on a more pleasant note: We hit 10k views yesterday. That's just insane. Honestly, thank you all so much for your support.
As a side note, there are like 10 more chapters left or so, but I still haven't finished the last one, so if there's anything you'd like to read in the story, let me know.
Have a great week! :)