"How was the weekend?" Nadine asked, grinning. "You had a wild party while your little sis is out of your hair?"
I couldn't help laughing at that. "Oh yeah, it was incredible. I was like a rock star. I mean, I was just relaxing after practice, and then chilling yesterday. Nice to not have drama every five minutes."
I couldn't tell her that Mum had spent Sunday morning treating me like a little kid, with lots of hugs and vegging out in front of the TV with cartoons that even my little sister would say were too childish. I didn't know what made it feel so good, but it was like I could try to imagine how it felt to just accept what I saw on the screen, instead of having to think about it and look out for easter eggs. It had been a great morning even if I didn't understand why. The morning had ended with Mum tickling me until I squealed, which had been unexpected but felt so natural in the moment. A reminder of when I'd really been that young. But it had been a bit awkward as well, not sure if it was okay to like something like that, and we'd gone back to being normal for the afternoon.
"Oh?" she answered, a sly smile on her face. "There's something you're not saying, isn't there? Did you see that guy you like? Did you tell him how you feel?"
"Nadine!" I gasped, and glanced up to see a dozen faces turning towards us. That was the problem with talking about anything like this at school. "No! And I never said there's a boy. I don't think about him like that. Does it have to be a... like a romantic thing to make me happy?"
"It doesn't. But you said 'him', so you know who I mean, don't you? I've seen you when you're lost in thought, fantasising about him. So did you talk to him?"
"No!"
"You know if you're grinning like that, Lindy's going to be asking you all the same questions when she comes home. Does she know who he is? I should get it out of her, so you don't have to confess."
"I don't!" I insisted. "I mean, there isn't a boy. And even if there was, there's nothing wrong with noticing that somebody is cute. It doesn't have to mean there's like, anything happening. I'll get a boyfriend when I'm old enough." I realised I wasn't making much sense, and certainly wasn't making her any less curious. I wasn't about to tell anyone about the weird images that had flashed across my mind once in a while, and I really didn't want Nadine to keep asking me those questions. She was sure to figure out who I was thinking about, even if the only feelings I had towards him were admiration for his athletic skill, intelligence, and determination. Anyway, I could see how she was looking at me as my mind started spinning down that rabbithole, and I needed to change the topic fast.
"How about you, did you see Jim?"
"Yeah!" she smiled, then frowned, and forced a smile again. All wasn't well, and I felt bad for bringing it up. I knew already that if she'd had a great time with her not-boyfriend I would have heard about ti already. "I mean... I had so much fun, but I can't tell anyone. It has to be secret, because they'd just laugh. And somebody shouted a... a thing at him that I can't repeat. And I bet my friends would be the same if they knew."
"Not your real friends. We just want you to be happy with what you're doing. It doesn't matter how normal it is, normal is for weirdos." For a second, I wondered if I was reassuring her or myself. I knew I'd listen and share in her joy. But would she be accepting if I came clean about what I'd been enjoying recently? I didn't know, and I didn't want to risk it. But those weirder thoughts didn't need to be shared anyhow. It wouldn't be long before I understood where they had come from, and I wouldn't need to think about it again.
"Thanks," she said with a smile. We were on the way out of school already, and decided to stop at the park on the way so she could tell me about all the things she'd got up to since I saw her last. Compared to her experience, my weekend seemed to have been very lazy. All her stories were good when it came to Jim, but she'd had a few experiences that made her angry as well; people who didn't understand anything.
We hugged as we parted, and then I was skating back home. No sign of Hugo practising outside; I'd probably just missed him. And when I glanced at my watch, I knew that Mum wouldn't be impressed by how long I'd taken to get home. While the sun was so high, it was easy to get carried away and not realise how close dinner time was. I just hoped she would forgive me.
It turned out dinner was already on the table, and my punishment wasn't too harsh. While she'd been waiting, Mum had started to cut up my dinner for me. And because I'd failed to get home before she finished, she judged that maybe I wasn't old enough to be trusted with a regular steak knife. I was blushing so hard as I ate that you could probably have cooked dinner on my face. I stammered and blustered, trying to tell her that I wasn't a baby. But I didn't really know why, because I was starting to realise by now that I didn't actually want this to stop. I had to fight it, I had to protest. But somewhere deep down, I knew that if she actually stopped I would miss this so much. Why? I had no idea. Having her talk down to me like this made me feel three inches tall, like she didn't trust me to do anything by myself. But it just felt so right; and maybe I did need help eating when I got so flustered that I couldn't focus enough to perform the simplest tasks.
After dinner Mum brought me to sit on the couch and watch TV. She didn't ask me what I was planning to do, or what I wanted to watch; she just took my hand and led me to the other room, and I was blushing so much that I couldn't form a rational thought to save my life. I was watching cartoons, trying to pick up the plot of a show I didn't know, when I started getting dive-bombed by stuffies. She'd brought all of them down without me even noticing; Lincoln and Clyde, and all the others too. And then there was a surprise, a pink-white bear with a rainbow bowtie that I hadn't seen before. Right away I decided that he looked like a Mr Muggins, so that was his name now. When I told Mum she said hello and introduced herself, and then shook his paw. And I just couldn't stop giggling; it felt so wonderful that I could think about such simple things, and have fun, and I didn't need to think about anything that really mattered for a while.
It was an amazing evening. I couldn't express how good I was feeling. But at the same time, I knew there was still something missing, something that would make it even better. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that deep in my mind, there was something that would make this even more perfect.
She even teased me by suggesting that I was too young to dress myself. But I knew that would have been too much; I couldn't get over the embarrassment. So I went into my room to get changed for bed, while Mum stood outside the door, praising me for my ability to do it by myself. I didn't know whether I should be laughing or cringing, and somehow settled for both at the same time. My heart was racing, just thinking about how weird this was. And how lucky I was that I had a Mum willing to play along with these weird dreams.
"Thank you, baby," she said. "I missed this so much when you were both trying to be so grown up. I don't think you'll want me to treat you like this once your sister is back. So let me enjoy it for tonight." Maybe this helped her to relax as much as it did me. I had to hope so. And then she was telling me it was my bedtime. She tucked me into bed, putting Mr Muggins and Lincoln on either side of me, and gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead.
"Thank you, Mummy," I said, laughing at myself to counter the embarrassment. And then she left me to get some sleep. I felt so safe now, so childlike, that I was sure I would sleep well tonight.
As I was about to go to sleep, I automatically reached for the pacifier on my cabinet; it wasn't there, of course, because I hadn't got it out when Mum could see it. I thought she might still have a problem with seeing me as that little; and I didn't want her to think that this little curiosity was something I would spend real money on. But my hand did find my earbuds, where I'd carelessly left them on Saturday. Not the same thing at all. But once my curiosity was piqued, it was hard to settle down again. Was what had happened when I listened to that meditation guy just a fluke? Was it because I'd been thinking too much about that kind of stuff, and it had come up in my dreams? I thought that I should try it again, while there was no chance of being disturbed by noise from Lindy's room. This time, although I was feeling very childlike, I'd barely thought about pranks to make someone wet the bed all day. So it wasn't on my mind, and my bladder wasn't very full.
"I can do this," I whispered to myself. I picked up the earbuds and put them in, after a false start getting them the wrong way around. This time, I wasn't so tired that I would nod off while listening. I could learn what it suggested, go to the bathroom again, and then try using those techniques. After how deeply I had slept last time, even for half an hour, I was determined to find out if I would rest just as well if I made sure the other thing didn't happen.
I tapped 'play' on my phone and put it back on the floor. Might away I could hear a faint rustle in the background. Like the wind blowing through a forest, so subtle you would only hear it when everything else was silent. There were other sounds too; maybe a little background noise to cover up where the voice had been edited. Something that might be a river flowing in the distance, and the faint ringing of wind chimes in the distance. I hadn't noticed those in the background on Saturday, they were so subtle. But now I was paying more attention, I could recognise that the same pattern of notes had been in my dream.
I could remember hearing it as I was walking down the river, seeing myself as a child in a crib. That had probably been the weirdest part of the dream, meeting myself without realising that it was strange. I could remember easily how natural it had seemed to think of her – me – as a child, and want to make her more childlike. Putting my hand in water had been the natural choice, because I'd thought about doing it to my sister so many times recently. So I had just taken her hand, and let the fingers sink below the surface. The warm water running over my skin had been so comfortable, so calming, that I felt my whole body relax. I just wanted to make myself feel like a child, so safe and comfortable, and it really was that easy. I didn't need to think about grown-up things, I was just a child. I could let it happen and enjoy it. When I felt the warmth spreading in my diaper, I was too relaxed even to laugh. The feeling seemed to spread, becoming a wave of relaxation that covered my whole body. Between the pacifier between my lips and the gentle weight of a wet diaper, I could believe that I really was just a helpless baby, safe from all the worries of the world. In seconds I was fast asleep for the night, deeper than I'd ever been before.
Author's note: Sally's new snugglebuddy may be related to the one my mum gave me in January. This is Mr Muggins; who happened to be sitting with me when I was writing this chapter and needed a name: