"And you know what's funny with this whole thing" he asks shaking his head
"Mkhulu somehow knew it'll end in separation" he goes on to say seemingly deep in thought.
He's been distracted ever since he came back from the reading of his grandfather's will.
Apparently it was very dramatic because most of the money he had is in the family trust. The other 10% is going towards the charities he supported but the lawyer asked to see each of them individually.
"Why not just call us in and have it all aired out. Now what am I meant to say to Amanda or Zigi" he goes on
In the Envelope Mkhulu left Phakamile, there are title deeds to a modest 3 bed house in krugersdorp.
Mkhulu asked that Phakamile over see the running of it but it belongs to Amanda and Zigi's children
Amanda is free to live in it if she ever has to leave her marital home.
It stipulates that it will belong to the kids until the last born is 21 years, then Phakamile is free to hand it over to the family trust afterwards
"Are you going to tell Zigi? Did he tell you what's in his envelope?" I ask
"Please cook more often, this is nice" he randomly says
"Sthandwa(love) focus" he chuckles when I say this
"You like gossip, it says I should do it regardless of how he feels so there's no need to lie about it, it's just a weird request. Zigi has his moments but he takes care of his kids, this is unnecessary.
As it is Zigi bought Amanda and the kids that house they're living in, in Fourways. I don't see Amanda moving to the bundus" he continues
"Strange, I wonder if your brothers got any requests regarding you" I say
"Doesn't matter, there's isn't a thing Mkhulu can hold over me. Are there any more chops left?" he asks.
I get up to get him some more chops, the brothers are wealthy in their own capacity.
It's not like he was looking out for Amanda because she can live in the house but she can't own it, the request doesn't make sense
"I can get used to this" he says kissing my neck as I wait for his lamb chops to warm up
"Yes you made that very clear the other night" I say begrudgingly.
I'm no longer hurt by the realisation that there's a man in my life and I have to run things past him, it's just hard to get used to. It feels like asking for permission even when I'm just letting him know things
"When are you getting the vasectomy?" I ask taking the food from the microwave and giving it to him, he looks bored
"Not sure, it's a big deal muhlez, I can't just walk in there and let them play with my balls" he says kissing my head and walking back to the kitchen island to his open laptop.
"I don't think that's how it works" I say with a sigh walking away but he grabs my wrist. I expect him to say something but he just stares, clearly trying to read my face
"Chances of conceiving are low now but I'll go" he says earnestly
"Are you?" he pauses
"Are we alright ?" He asks
"We're alright, I just feel off" I say honestly
2 week ago, we had our first real fight, followed by a sad test to our relationship and these past few days have been tricky. At some point I was sure we were going to break up
"Slow down a bit, your body will adjust" he continues.
I physically feel fine, my emotions are off and I can't tell him that because what's the logic behind crying over something you didn't want?
"I'll give you 4 years before we can think about children again, I wanna enjoy you first" he says pulling me to him and kissing my neck
"I'm still off limits" I say
"I know, can't a man just kiss his wife?" He asks jokingly
"Do you blame me for losing the baby?" I ask sad.
I've tormented myself all day with this question because he never wants to talk about.
Initially he said we'll talk when I'm better but these days we talk about everything and anything except the miscarriage.
"Muhlez, the doctor said it was going to happen either way, it's not like you knew or wanted a child.
I'm just annoyed that even after I asked you to slow down, you defied me.
How do you think it looks that my woman is slaving over a regular 9-5 making half the money you used to earn. Stressing so badly you think it messed up your cycle when the issue is bigger?" He asks annoyed
I have no response, a simple yes or no would have been enough
"What valid reason do you have for working at that place" he asks seemingly more disappointed than angry, which is a lot worse.
Again I have nothing to say, there's a shamefulness, a kind of sadness that's lingering since that dreadful night
"This union is going to be a lot easier if you stop being stubborn. Are you still in pain" he asks
His eyes pierce into mine, his skin is a beautiful brown shade, it's no wonder I like licking him, he reminds me of chocolate. It's the puffy dark circles under his eyes that give away the restless nights we've had.
"Pain is gone, just a little loopy" I say but am cut by a call on Teams that's coming in
"Finish up so you can come to bed, you look tired" I say kissing him and leaving him to his work.
Normally he doesn't bring work home but on rare occasions, his overseas deals require him to work after hours and these past 2 weeks he's been by my side, so work is lagging.
It's insane how as much as I didn't know I was pregnant, miscarrying has left me very sad.
Phakamile and I agreed to enjoy the first few years of our relationship without children way before it happened but somehow I'm not happy about the loss
Unfortunately, the pull out method and the Holy Spirit were not enough to stop us from conceiving. Shock
For someone who thought they were dying 12 nights ago, I feel physically fine, high but fine. This bedroom gives me flash backs.
Terrible flash backs and I tear up for the first time since the incident happened, I'm tired of pretending like it didn't happen.
I came home after 9pm to find Phakamile making dinner, I offered to get take outs on my way home but he was adamant he wanted a home cooked meal and was cold from the kiss hello.
"This can't go on, I won't be the first one home almost every night, just to have takeouts or your 10 minute grilled special" he said
"We just landed a campaign and I don't want to slack off especially because I'm new. How would it look if I left while the whole team stayed behind" I asked
"Drinks after work now counts as work?" He asked
"That was a team building thing, to get to know each other and it won't be happening often, hell I even left early"
"There you go again, with an answer to everything, do you not see anything wrong here.
I just want to come home to a warm house with a meal cooking or waiting. I'm not asking too much of you but instead you insist on this little Ms independent charade. Just going off and doing your own thing and not calling me.
For starters when are you moving in, it's been months now and why am I hearing from construction workers that you fell when you went by the house or that your ceiling broke and you needed the geyser fixed" he continued getting more annoyed
"I fell from a small step ladder, I wasn't hurt and I forgot it even happened. The ladies called this afternoon, I didn't think you'd mind if I used your people to fix it up quickly. The insurance was going to delay" I say defensively
"I don't know how to make you understand common decency of just letting me in on things. The U.S market is about to close, can I finish my work now that I've made you dinner" he said dismissively
I'm used to getting my way with Phakamile so I haven't mastered how to calm him when he's upset. Instead I get emotionally which isn't fair because he has a right to be upset sometimes.
It was only when I was in the bed room getting ready to shower that the sharp cramp hit me.
My first thought was that since my period was late it must have come back with a bang but alas
"Love, please bring me pain killers, I feel terrible" I said over the phone to Phakamile as I was curled up in Fetal position unable to move.
It was like a hot rod was twisting my Fallopian tubes
Leaving my back, abdomen and chest hot and heavy
"Are you kidding right now, they're in the bathroom there. Lesedi, I'm working" he said hanging up annoyed, the screams were silenced by a sharp abdomen pain that followed
Wrapped in a bath towel, I shrivelled up into a ball, with hot flashes so hard it left me dripping wet.
It was only when I couldn't breathe that I realised it was no normal period cramp
"Nsizwa, help me" I silently cried over the phone
"What's wrong, where is Parks?" He asked alarmed
"Home, Nsizwa help" I said almost in a whisper
It's the last thing I remember before passing out, was me trying to dial Phakamile again
The hot rod woke me up when I was in Phakamile's car, with him driving like a crazy person.
I could hear him on the phone but couldn't make out what he was saying. He only noticed I was awake as I silently gasped in pain from another hot rod. I could feel a new layer of sweat being released with every cramp
"I think I'm dying" I said breathless, I've never seen Phakamile so panicked. Our eyes locked for just a second and his fear reflected my own.
There was a stretcher and doctors already waiting by the entrance when he drove in
"She's bleeding a lot, and keeps passing out. Don't let her die, please Themba" I heard him say when he carried me from the car to the stretcher.
There was so much blood on the seat and the gown he threw on me over the towel
"What did you do?" Nsizwa asked somewhere far away but I couldn't hear Phakamile's response
"I'm cold, I'm cold" I said shivering, as sweaty as I was
The ceiling lights were no help as they were rushing with me on the stretcher. The shivering turned to convulsions then it was lights out.
I woke up the next day feeling like I've been run over by a truck.
I was alone in the hospital room, confused, sore and thirsty. There was a bottle of water on the bedside but reaching it was impossible.
The bottom half felt like it had been chopped off and my arms were tired, it was only when I saw the tubes in both my arms and stomach that I started panicking.
Why did I have a catheter attached to me? I thought
Was Khwezi in this much pain before she died, did she feel any? Every part of me hurt when I tried to move
The sharp pains were a clear memory, a fear that only brought on the sharp chest pain and heavy heaving.
Breathing was painful and with every short breath I took, I needed more.
I'd never admit this to anyone for fear of being called crazy, but in extreme cases like this, I sometimes get the worst headache on the side of my head.
The very spot that Khwezi had been cut open at, somewhat feeling her last moment alive.
Queue the hysteria
What a shit time to have a panic attack
over a bottle of water no less. I thought
The machines started going crazy, Phakamile burst into the room followed by Nsizwa both panicked
"What's going on?"
"Lesedi... Lesedi" they both went on almost like an echo
A nurse and doctor came, the nurse, had a syringe that she put in one of the tubes that were sticking out from my arm, my eyes fixed on Phakamile. I wished he could make it better like he does everything else
"I just wanted water" I said before passing out again.
When I finally came to, he was sitting by my side, my hand in his.
Leaning back on the chair, head up with his eyes closed somewhat asleep
In fear of another episode I just took in my surroundings, there were grey sofas in the room and it was painted a pale blue.
It smelt of disinfectant, it was too bright out but Phakamile still had the same sweatpants and t-shirt he had the night before.
Arms heavy, I squeezed his hand when I was sure nothing crazy from me was going to happen again.
"Hi" I said
"Hey" he responded leaning in to kiss my hand then forehead
"Scared me for a second" he went on to say
"Sorry, will I be okay" I asked. My voice scratchy
"Yeah, have some water first" he went on, bringing the straw to my lips
The look on his face breaks my heart when thinking about it
"Why am I wearing a pee bag" I asked after drinking the water
"They said it's a must after the operation"
"Operation for what Phakamile?" I asked shocked
"You were pregnant but the egg was outside the tubes or something. They had to operate on you to cut the tube with the egg. The doctor will explain it right" he said after pressing a button avoiding eye contact
"Only thing that matters now is that you'll be fine" he said before the nurse came in
The doctor explained that it was an ectopic pregnancy and dumbed it down to pretty much the same thing Phakamile said.
I got operated on that very night and that's why I had a catheter on. That and the fact that I'd been asleep for 36 hours
"Hey, it's alright" Phakamile brings me back to the now, I didn't even hear him come in
"I'm sorry" I say as he holds me and lets me cry in his arms
"It's okay, it's okay" he keeps saying
"I don't want to sleep in this room tonight" I finally say after coming down
"I get it" he says helping me stand
"There's nothing you could have done that would have prevented it, you heard what the doctor said" he goes on
"There's a possibility I won't be able to carry my own children" saying it out loud hurts
Sure I didn't plan on having a child but having the option is nice.
"It's 50/50, and we'll deal with that when the time comes"
"That's not something to worry about right now" he says rubbing my back as he leads me out of the bedroom to the one next door.
What if even in the next 4 years I'm still no good? Life with Phakamile has made me realise that when the time is right, we would make decent parents.
Our kids would be short of nothing. Phakamile is warm and strict but in general a kind man, he'd make a great father, if Ndoni is anything to go by, she's proof of what Phakamile is capable of. I doubt he'd let me be a bad mom
"Did you tell gogo?" He asks
"No, I told Lindzy not to tell her too, there's no need to stress her?"
"What about the cleansing ceremony?" He asks
"It doesn't need to be an event, we just need a live white chicken and mqombothi(traditional beer)" I say
"Refiloe said we need a river or running water and we can do the cleansing there. I don't want to make a big deal out of it" I hear a sigh when I say this
"Letting your loved ones in on what's going on in your life doesn't count as bothering them. Your family should know and be part of the cleansing ceremony, you behave like you were knocked up on the streets" he says opening the covers
"Oh god, have you been speaking to Refiloe?" I ask
"No but you should, maybe she'll help you see there's nothing wrong with living with your husband and doing as he says occasionally" he says matter of a factly
"You're my boyfriend sir, and we'll live together when the Harties house is finished" I don't know why I'm arguing, I'm always here and haven't been to my house in 3 weeks.
He goes there more than I do especially since he and Lindzy had to pack my things while I was in the hospital so I can live with him while I heal
"Just because I got you on discount doesn't mean I'm not your husband, if you had died last week, you would have been buried with the Mzimelas" he says sitting on top of the covers after tucking me in. His directness annoys me
"Discount wow!! just for that I'm going to spend your money and show you discounts" he chuckles when I say this, somewhat distracted.
He's been like this for the past 2 days since we got back from the hospital
Sure he hugs, kisses me and spends his days with me but he's not present. When we do talk, it's always about the house or work, We now even have awkward silences.
Our fight is unresolved, the almost bleeding to death situation kind of halted it.
"So no cuddles for the discounted girlfriend?"
"I still have some work to finish, I'll be back just now, I actually wanted to know if I should get the jet ready for gogo? How will she get here on Sunday?" He asks
"Jet is too much she'll just freak out, I'll book something else, thank you"
"Okay" and with that he stands to leave
"Dimbane?"
"Uhm"
"Can I have cuddles?" He makes an apologetic face
"I'll give you head" he laughs when I say this
"How brazen, as tempting as that is. I really have to call the Americans back, gimme an hour max" and with a kiss on the head he leaves.
Sigh
I hope this miscarriage issue doesn't affect us in the long hall. I have Refiloe, she came to visit me ( paid session) at the hospital so I kind of know where I stand with my feelings. Phakamile left completely when I told him my therapist will come by and when he came back in the afternoon, he was somewhat distracted as he is now.
I'm not sure with Phakamile, he seems guarded, too put together and in control. I wish he's tell me how he truly feels.
He only gets to bed after 23:00, the drugs have even worn off but tired as I am, I want to fall asleep in his arms.
I've been distracting and keeping myself up with Netflix.
"Hey, why are you still awake?" He says and his gruff sends vibrations to my lady bits as he gets into the covers
"I miss you but didn't want to bother you" I hear him sigh when I say this
"I've been with you all day, everyday for the past week, you're spoilt" he says holding me
We're both on our sides, facing each other with me tucked nicely by his neck, chest on my face with my leg and arm over him
"I like being spoilt so stop being stingy" he chuckles when I say this
"You're so warm and squishy" he says running his hand up and down my butt and thigh after a tight squeeze
"Mzimela?"
"MamMzimela?"
"Are you okay?" I ask
"Tired but I'm fine"
"You haven't told me how you feel about what happened, it didn't just happen to me, surely you feel a way" I say
"I'm tired Khanyi, that's how I feel" he knows I love it when he abbreviates my second name, he maybe softening me up so I can leave the topic
"Well I feel shut out" I say
"You're not shut out, I don't know what else to do, I've been here with you" he says
"Yes, taking care of me but I don't know how you feel, are you sad at all about it?" I ask because I'm heartbroken over it even though I didn't want a child
"I'm tired Khanyi, really tired" he says.
"Okay" I say turning my back to him as he spoons me
"Are we fighting now?" He asks in my ear
"No Dimbane, I was just checking on you" I say with a heavy heart
"Thank you Muhlez(beautiful), goodnight" he says with a kiss on the head, pulling me in with a little tight squeeze
-------------------------------------------------------------
"What are you doing here?" He asks, his gruff sounding more like thunder than usual, full of sleep
"Didn't want to keep waking you with my tossing and turning" I say already half way through the first Harry Potter movie.
"You woke me by not being in bed, come on it's 2am" he says extending his hand to me
"really love, go back to bed, I'll come back when I'm tired"
I've decide to put his mini cinema to good use and stuff my face with fruits.
Phakamile is a light sleeper, when we first started dating my snoring would wake him up. Once I woke up because he was trying to readjust my head on his chest because I had kept him up for some time
As much as he's used to it now, he wakes up when I toss and turn in bed, especially because I don't want to sleep apart from him so I mould and toss myself around him
He grabs a throw from the recliner and settles himself around me, he's too big, barely half of his height is on the couch, I can't help laugh
"You're making me feel bad, love go to bed, I'll come in when I'm sleepy" I say
"You should feel bad, you're making my old ass sleep on a sofa, you said it yourself that I look tired" he says
"You're the one insisting on sleeping here"
"Are you in pain?" He asks
"No are you?"
"I will be when I wake up tomorrow thanks to you. Haven't you seen this multiple times already?" he asks
"Only a couple of times" I say and go on
"Love I was thinking of going back to my place tomorrow to prepare for my aunt's and gogo's arrival" I say
"Why? I thought we agreed to have them stay at the hotel" he asks
"I've been in your space for too long and they haven't seen the new house, it'd be nice to just gather there for a few days" he's quiet when I say this
"Coming back when?" He asks eventually
"Not sure, I'm better now so I should go back to work"
"So fuck what I said to you" he asks,
"Phakamile I just can't quit my job, we still need to get to know each other as well, date somewhat.
There's no rush to live together. You think I'm annoying anyways" I say trying to joke, lighten the mood somewhat
"We've known each other over a year, we're traditionally married, we'll be getting to know each other for the rest of our lives" he says
"No, you've known me for a year, I've been with you for just 6 months. You didn't even ask me to marry you. I was just told that we'll be getting married"
"Regardless, you knew what you were getting yourself into, we're not kids. The novelty of this relationship has to wear off" he says
"What does that mean?"
"It means the option to just run away to your house every time we don't see eye to eye is no longer available to you"
"You run away with me by your side, even when we're sitting in the same room. It feels like you're not here, so don't act like I'm the only one who needs space" I say
"I don't need space from you Lesedi, that's why when we're not okay, I stick around"
"So why won't you talk to me?"
"Talk to you about what? we talk about everything, I'm a man, I don't stay in my feelings like you do" he says begrudgingly
"What's that suppose to mean? I just want to know if you're okay, are you happy or sad about he miscarriage since it wasn't planned"
"What do you want from me? What would you prefer to hear?" He sounds annoyed
"Anything, it can't always be about my well being, I want to emotionally take care of you as well"
"Bullshit, you're looking for a reason to dwell on this instead of moving on. If my emotions mattered to you, you'd meet me half way, instead I'm the one chasing after you" he says calmly
I turn to look at him in disbelief, is this really how he feels about our relationship?
"Just because I won't move in with you?" I ask
"This isn't about moving in, it's a great idea for your family to see the house, this is about you not letting me in.
Damnit I was right there with you in the hospital but instead you called your therapist when you needed someone to talk to.
You have no intentions of leaving your job like I asked and until recently you barely even cooked for me" he says
Oh my god! Are we still stuck on this cooking argument, we've been together 6 months or so, he can't expect me to drop everything just because I'm his girlfriend wife now.
I don't even have a business plan, none of the books I've written are finished or any good. My interior design portfolio only has the Harties house and it's not even finished
"I'm adjusting, doing the best I can. I didn't know you were this unhappy" I say
"Who said anything about being unhappy? those are your words" he says annoyed
He does this thing of not raising his voice but his voice is deeper, scarier and not to be played with
"So Phakamile, what exactly are you trying to say?" I ask
"I'm no longer courting you Lesedi, you're mine now, yes I'll do right by you and treat you as best as I can but I won't keep running after you.
Small argument and you want go back to your house, you won't listen to me for shit.
You have no regard for my position in this relationship" he says sitting upright
"How can you say that when I just wanted to know how you feel. That's not fair"
"What's not fair is us agreeing that your family will stay at the hotel but then small inconvenience happens and you decide to host them at your house.
Not fair is me asking you to slow down with work just for you to do more and end up miscarrying.
Not fair is finding out from construction workers that my woman fell and the geyser at your place burst.
Not fair is being accused of shutting you out when you're not giving me a 100%" he spits
I'm stunned, I had no idea he felt this way, this seems to be way more than just the miscarriage, which I thought was the reason why he shut me out. I don't know what to say. We're facing each other on the 2 seater with him clearly frustrated
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to be with my family, collect my thoughts. I really am trying"
"The same family that knows nothing about you, not your struggles, your life in Joburg or how you got where you are now. The same family that knows nothing about me. You mean that family?" He asks
"I have a different dynamic with my family. don't turn it into something dark" I say defensively
"I'm your family now and you're treating me the same way you do them, going on about you life not wanting to stress or bother anyone? Do you know how crazy that sounds?"
"But I don't want to bother or stress anyone" I don't like getting emotional in these situations
I want to be fair and get my point across as well without crying but for some reason his words sting
"Who are you bothering by telling your grandmother or aunt that you miscarried, who exactly is going to be inconvenienced by you" he asks
"That's not fair, you have no idea what it was like before you came along, I've always had to handle things by myself. I love my family. I love you. How did this become about me when all I wanted to know was how you felt about the miscarriage?" I say fighting tears
"You're not listening to me, but if you truly want to know how I feel, fine. I'm annoyed and angry that you put us in this situation" he says
"Phakamile, I didn't knock myself up and running I didn't mean to lose your baby" I say getting angry
"I don't give a shit about the baby, you wanted to know how I felt right?
Yes conceiving wasn't part of the plan but 2 weeks ago before this shit happened, I asked that you do a pregnancy test because you felt and looked different on top of the weird eating habits. What did you do? You blew me off for a bloody meeting"
"But I.." He cuts me off by raising his palm
"I'm not done, if you had taken that test, we would have gone to the Doctor to check. They would have found out, there were abnormalities with the egg and it would have been sorted right there and then but no, you had to almost die in my fucking arms days after I told you to check" he says shaking his head, he looks really angry now
"10 weeks Lesedi! 2 and a half fucking months, you were pregnant and unaware"
"Same with being followed, you had to almost die for you to tell anyone"
"But your people were following me" I cut in
"But you didn't fucking know that, you didn't know that!!"
"Nsizwa, Lindzy and now my damn ass share everything with you but you can't be bothered to realise we care enough not to find you a bother.
Lesedi, do you have any idea what it was like to find you passed out in a pool of blood in our bedroom? Picture it for a second" he says clearly annoyed, his knee is shaking a bit
"All you did was ask for painkillers. Why not say you're bleeding or something is wrong? Nsizwa had to call me to tell me MY wife was dying upstairs in the very house I was in. How the fuck do you think that makes me feel huh?
I was right there but you called Nsizwa What does that say about our relationship and your trust in me?" He stops frustrated
I've never seen him this upset, my chest is heavy and it's taking all of me not to cry. I want to apologize but it seems like I have a lot to be sorry for and I didn't even realise. He continues when he sees I have nothing to say
"You looked me dead in the eyes and told me you were dying. Think about that, for the hours were you were not in the clear, before and after the operation. Your last words to me were that you were dying over something that could have been prevented
And you know the fucked up thing is? I knew you were miscarrying the minute I saw the source of the blood.
A week after I asked you to test, when you missed your period, I told you to test, you didn't, when your eating habits changed you still didn't.
You didn't tell me about you falling at the Harties house because you knew I'd drag you to the hospital. Forgive me if I'm having difficulties wrapping my head around this because the conclusion I can come to is that you don't trust me or you just wanted to die on me" he says, his voice now slightly raised.
I don't like his wrong conclusions, I didn't think about it like that, I have severe and irregular periods, missing one or 2 isn't alarming to me, if anything it's a relief
"I watched you almost convulse to death, twice, all because you just don't care to listen to me. Lesedi you fucked up on this one
I've kept it to myself because I can't be the evil husband who scolds his wife after she just had a miscarriage, now can I?" He asks
It's quiet for a while because I'm lost for words
"Tell me Lesedi, how exactly am I meant to feel huh because I feel like you're setting me up for failure and won't let me in" he says visibly annoyed
It's quiet again before he goes on when he sees my defeat
"The life we've planned together, how is that going to play out in your head?" He continues after a deep breath out lowering his voice
"You nearly died but keep going on about a baby we didn't want or plan.
I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but why would I care about that?
That baby had no chance, maybe your maternal instincts kicked in when it happened but what about us?
The getting to know each other you keep going on about. We agreed on 4 years minimum to just enjoy our relationship. Somehow every now and again, you're at your house doing god knows what. So please Lesedi, please tell me how I'm meant to feel in this situation because I'm not sure"
I open my mouth then close it, I honestly don't know what to say, I know Phakamile, he wants an explanation or change in behaviour not just an apology
"Losing the baby wasn't your fault but you almost dying was. I'm so pissed off it burns, because you put us in that position" He says seemingly more annoyed with my silence
I'm speechless, I had no idea it was this bad, the worst thing is I understand his frustation, I have been unintentionally selfish
"I'm sorry" I say looking down, we're on the same sofa but us not touching makes it feel like we're at polar ends
"Is that all you got?" He asks in defeat
"I love you, I didn't mean to be inconsiderate, truly Dimbane, I'm really sorry" I say with a heavy chest
"So now what?"
"I don't think I'm any good at this relationship-ing stuff" I say wiping a tear and sniffing
"What's that suppose to mean?" He asks squinting his eyes seemingly getting more annoyed by me
"I don't know, please forgive me and give me time to do better. Phakamile I didn't mean for any of it to turn out like this, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that to you" I say covering my face and finally crying
We sit quietly for a while as I gather myself, he makes no attempt to comfort me
Arg I'm really in the dog house
"Sedi, we promised we're in this together. You take care of me, I take care of you. Why are you still fighting it?" He asks
"I'm not fighting on purpose, I'm just not used to it" I say truthfully and he leans back on the armrest seemingly deep in thought. The silence would be deafening if it wasn't for my crying and sniffing
"As far as I knew, you didn't want children at all, but if you've changed your mind it's fine. We just have to be on the same page"
"We are, it just hurts more than I thought it would and I find myself thinking about what could have been if I didn't miscarry. If I had tested, something could have been done" he tightens his jaws when I say this
"I'm willing to give you children Sedi if you change your mind. Just not now, I want to enjoy this first" he says with his fingers gesturing to him and I
"Maybe I'm just hurting but I still don't want to be a mom, please get the vasectomy" I say and he nods slowly
Lord I sound so undecided!!! Yes I wish I hadn't lost my baby but I also don't want to replace him/her
I'd only consider children as a compromise if he desperately wanted them but he too is on the fence about them. It makes more sense not to have them
It's dead quiet for some time as we stare into each other, he seems deep in thought and I'm just tired and want to be in his arms but I don't think he's there yet
"I know you don't remember this, but when we first met, you said if circumstance were in your favour. You'd spend your days doing interior design and writing. So why not get into that?" He asks
"I don't have a portfolio, where would I start?"
"The Harties house, and I'm right here, we've worked together before, we can do it again. Change up the office blocks, renovate the townhouses maybe even flip houses and businesses. Your pension is enough for you to even do it on your own, put that degree to work" he says pulling a few strands of his beard
I can't help but stare in disbelief, that's all I've ever wanted to do, I just put it in the back burner because well, pipe dreams don't pay bills. He really remembers this from a lone car ride over a year ago? There's no way god has given me love this great so effortlessly
"I already have a social media audience, that could work and I can finish my books while at it.
Aw I've always wanted to have a cute bakery style eatery, that sells flowers and everything" I see him smiling a little smug when I say this.
"Just keep me in the loop, I won't even charge you for the business advice, how great is that" he says and we both chuckle, it's reserved and quiet but laughter no less. I think we'll be okay
"Don't jump into it immediately, just strategize and rest for now" he continues
"I got lucky, both my husband and boyfriend are good business men, what are the odds" I say and he pulls me by the arm to him, smile still lingering.
"You're exhausting" he says with a tired smile and my heart breaks because he does look tired
"I don't mean to be, I'm sorry" I say fighting tears again
God I've been a dick!
"I'm in it deep Lesedi, have some faith in us, you don't have to go as hard anymore" our eyes are locked as he says this
The tears, arg
I don't know if an anxiety attack is creeping in or it's just my heart realising that I'm finally safe, I'm loved and protected. I don't know why I'm even fighting this, I know this man will do anything to make me happy. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be the problematic one, Jesu!!
He no longer has that searching and inquisitive look he used to give me, he looks sure, certain about us.
Oh my!
This is love, I hope he sees it in my eyes as well
With my face in his, I can't believe this is my man, how cool is this!
I kiss him with all of me, sitting comfortable on him, his member twitching underneath me
His hold is tight, it's only when I start grinding on him that he stops
"Your lips are so soft after crying, tastes like some Lesedi flavored cotton candy" he breaks the kiss by saying
"Is it weird that I like it?" He asks
Lol.. what?
"Doesn't matter, I like your weird" I say smiling, I can't help it. How is this my life right now?
"Kukhanya, I waited for you for a really long time" he says almost a little sad, eyes intense, jaws clenched
"Parks my brother, I honestly thought I'd die a spinster, high somewhere in the bundus with 3 dogs"
"How specific, it's no wonder you took your time" he says chuckling and I hold on to him tightly, burying my face on his neck
"Does this count as our first fight?" I ask with a chuckle, I'm not used to intense arguing or being on bad terms with Phakamile.
"We don't fight, we disagree and we've been doing it from the very first time we met. Don't think I'll ever forget that you threatened to shoot me, before you called me a pothead who could use a shower" he says matter of a fact
I can't help laugh at how casual he sounds, he's so logical and fair, which I thought I always was but I think I'm the irrational and slightly crazy one here. With the stalking mess, I was sure he was the hot mess in this relationship
"I wasn't wrong to threaten you then, but I never want to be inconsiderate to you Phakamile, please forgive me" I say getting emotional again
I don't want to lose this man just because I'm occasionally dumb
I hate it but he has a way with me that I can't explain, it's like he has a manual on how to deal with me(even I don't have that)how is he so patient? So kind and calm?
He doesn't say anything back but tightens his hold on me
God I love this man with everything I am, I don't ever want him to question his position in my life
"Can I come with tomorrow when y'all sort out Mkhulu's house, maybe there'll be cool things we might like for our place" I ask after a while of just pure silence and staring into each other. He still seems deep in thought
"Okay but later because I have a surprise for you tomorrow, well later today since you decided to be a vampire" I laugh and kiss his neck when he says this
"Can we get to bed now? My back hurts and you're heavy, you'll watch your witchcraft movie later" he says
"Yes, why not old man, I could used some dick"
"You're off limits" he says
"You'll be gentle and slow"
"Not with how I'm feeling right now" he says
"Still mad at me huh?"
"Big time" he replies.
"I didn't mean to, I'm sorry Dimbane"
"Alright Muhlez(beautiful)"
"Dick then?"
"Maybe in the morning or after speaking to your doctor" I get up off him with a smile on, at least it's not a complete No
This man's control on his sexual urges annoys me, I've never turned him down because my horny ass is always ready. I wish I could be a little more mysterious
"You're spoilt" he says shaking his head, as we go to our bedroom
"I like it like that"
-------------------------------------
We zig zag the green fields leading to our not so little corner in Harties
"Wait are we driving to the house?" I ask
"Yes"
"What can you possibly surprise me with at the house?"
"Patience Khanyi, patience" he says chuckling,
I haven't been here since the day of the miscarriage when I fell from the step ladder, it's already fully furnished.
The only thing left was the cottage he built, the garage and his study that he wanted to oversee which is crazy because I did his man cave.
The landscape people finished last week, so it's all green, the drive up is hypnotic, it's lined with orange and white roses and the trees hide the house nicely from the gate, there's also a sunflower field that's in its early blooms as we drive up.
"Wow they out did themselves"
"You've seen nothing yet" he seems excited as he says this
"I can't believe I'm going to live in my dream home"
"You've seen most of the house the surprise is at the back". He says with my hand in his as we walk around the house.
I can't see another house close to ours, it's just trees and the sound of the river banks at the back, something straight from Alice and the wonderland. Being on top of the hill is like being on top of the world.
There's a pool house that wasn't here the last time I came, it's white and has high windows, you can see everything from outside, it looks like a beach house. With the blue cushions( I'm gonna need to change those)
"Is this all you?" I ask excited
"It's how I do" he says smug
The infinity pool lays at the edge of the hill, over looking the Harties Dam. I can also see the first floor from here since it's all glass. I can't believe it turned out this beautiful, why will I ever need a vacation with a home like this
"Hold off the tears, this isn't the surprise" he says taking my hand to the maid quarters that looks like a green house made with tinted reflective glass
This cottage almost caused a fight because he insisted I don't get involved at all, which is tricky because his team reports to me as well
It's surrounded by rose bushes and a few trees, almost looks like a different world from the house
"Ready?" He asks and I nod my head before he opens the giant door
Oh my god, there really is a god and she's looking out for me!!
"Phakamile?" I say not sure if to hold him or run around so I settle for tears.
I can see the outside in here even though it's too tinted and you can't see in from the outside.
Oh my god, it's a peace of heaven, I can't wait to watch the rain while painting or working on a project.
"Since you like your space so much, this should be spacious enough for you" he says
It's an art studio, just an open plan cottage.
On the far right there's a huge table with all my sample fabrics. The magazines I used for inspiration, further ahead, a huge easel with a stool next to it and the whole wall behind it has different size tubes of paints, brushes and canvas. On the left there's a desk with a giant MacBook
A kitchenette and 2 doors, I'm assuming one leads to a bathroom. In the middle of the room there's a lounge area with a TV
"This could be like your office or work space, you can write, paint and stuff in here. I wanted to add a bed in the other room but knew I'd be shooting myself in the foot with that one so I left it empty for supplies Sedi. Just supplies" he says chuckling
"That's for me, when I visit" he points to the PS5 console by the TV. Only he would create a space for himself in a place only meant for me...
I haven't moved an inch since I took the 3 steps entering the studio
"Obviously you can change and add things to make it more you" he says looking and sounding a little worried
"This isn't the final product, you can fix it up" he says when I start to really cry
"Mzimela" I say throwing myself at him
"do you like it?" He asks, not as smug as he was when he opened the door
"I love you, I love it, I love it, thank you Mbizeni, Dimbane, Ndoda Kamlimandlela(Mzimela clan praises) thank you Mzungwana" I say jumping up and down still holding him. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine love this grand
There was a day in the office were Nsizwa and I kept butting heads because he had played a lady I really liked for him.
"You're a child Nsizwa, if you have to lie to a woman to get her into bed with you, you ain't got game for shit and stop making me an accomplice "
"It's not lying if I made no promises, and she let her imagination get carried away" Nsizwa said
"That's why you're single, you want a dance in the rain love, Notebook type nonsense. These books you read have fucked you up. Men, real men don't think or do that" Nsizwa said
It was one of the most frustrating conversations I had had with Nsizwa. Money was tricking him into believing women are disposable and Phakamile made it worse
"You don't know love then, because if your loved one believes in that stuff, regardless of how you feel, you should want to see them happy" I said defeated realising that I may indeed die alone
"Lesedi, men are too simple minded, you can't expect those grand gestures unless you asked for it and even then, the odds are against you so lower you expectations, you'll be less disappointed and hurt that way". Phakamile said
"Then it's fine, if I can't get a compassionate, considerate and giving love then what's the point of it?" I asked defeated
"Don't think with your emotions, realistically you know you'll never get the novel type romance. So why are you still expecting it and hurting your own feelings?" Phakamile asked, my feelings were beyond hurt at that point
"Lulama is just as delusional as you maybe that's why you like her" Nsizwa said then preceeded to take my ice coffee in our mini bar and drank it infront of me.
"You're too smart to be this naive, relationships are nothing but mind games" Zigi said
"Couldn't have said it better myself bafo, this is why you're single, lots of girls are pretty and smart like you and men will always choose the ones that are easier to deal with. You're impossible to please Sedi" Nsizwa added casually and his brothers saw nothing wrong with his statement
Normal conversation with Nsizwa is always casual and I'm usually mean to him but that day, he hurt my feelings and I couldn't even hide it
"You know what, live and let live. Just don't involve me in your nonsense again" I said dejected and going back to my work with a heavy heart.
They went on to say how crazy and complicated women were. The possibility of dying alone seemed greater from that conversation. I ended up working at marketing that day, I wanted nothing to do with the 3 little jerks
Now how is it, the same man who told me to lower my standards and expectations has built me a studio from the ground up and stocked it up. How?!
"I'm glad you like it, let me show you something cooler" he says leading me to the door on the left after I've gone through every thing and deafened him with my 'oh my god!!'s
"You said I should lower my standards and expectations" I say still teary
"Thank god you didn't, or elsewhere I'd be fighting off random men" he says chuckling
He leads us to a passage with an escalator and I look at him in disbelief. Where does it go since the cottage is a distance from the main house.
"This I know for a fact you're going to love" he says seemingly excited as well, we stop at another green door and he looks at me before opening it. I'm excited, I'm certain it's a sex dungeon. Oh my god yes!!!
He opens it
It's a small room full of empty shelves with a side table next to a rich emerald green couch by the window that over looks the dam
I've never told Phakamile my favourite colour outside black or white. How did he know to add green with a few touches of yellow
"Yours to fill up with as many books as you like" he says letting go of my hand, I'm stunned, my very own walk in library?
This man!
"And this door leads to the passage" he says opening it. Oh we're on the second story, were all the bedrooms are. How did the escalator bring us here from outside?
"And this one leads to my office" he slides open a door that I thought was a wall and the library and his office become one big room
"Phakamile!!"
"I need the view anyways" he says laughing, gently pushing my aggressive hug.
"Hey I want cuddles" I say a little dejected but he just smiles shaking his head
"Patience Kukhanya, thought I'd get you the first book before you fill it up with yours" he says handing me a journal from the shelf written 'ideas book' on the outside.
There's something in it, right in the middle and when I open it
"Phakamile!!" I say in disbelief, fresh tears spilling over
"I didn't ask you the romance novel type way that you wanted and since this house was built for my wife. Will you BE my wife Lesedi Kukhanya Zungu?" He asks smiling
The scar on his cheek looking like a dimple as he smiles. The ring in the journal is just a thin gold band with a small rock, I love it!
"Aren't you going to kneel?" I ask laughing with him
"I slept on the couch last night, my back hurts. Sorry" I throw myself at him when he says this.
Not matter how wealthy or sophisticated a Zulu man may get, there's just somethings (like kneeling) that they just won't do
"Now that's how it's done" I say laughing as I let him put it on my finger.
"Look at you, a wife, girlfriend and now a fiancée" he says when I hold him again
"I can't believe this life right now" my voice is muffled against his chest
"Right? can't wait for the Dr to give us the go ahead" he says
"I feel fine and risk of infection is low" I say
"Mrs Phakamile Mzimela please don't seduce me, the doctor said no"
"Mrs Phakamile Mzimela.. hmm I like the sound of that Mr Lesedi's Man" he laughs when I say this
"Sounds about right" he says kissing my head
_________________________________________
I can't stop looking at the ring, its small and basic, just a thin diamond crusted band with a small rock. This man really knows me because I'd barely wear one if it was exorbitant or flashy. This one right here, I'll never take off
The smile feels stuck on my face. What?!
"I can't believe I'm your girlfriend, wife and fiancée!!! The way you used to annoy me bro!!" I say excited and doing a side to side dance
"11 cows later, just to be called 'bro' ", he says shaking his head
"I'm serious, how long have you been planning this? Everything about today is just beautiful"
"When you left me and I was thinking about what to do with the house"
"How'd you know I'd come back?" I say feeling hot, I think I'm obsessed with this man
He smirks driving ahead not answering
Phakamile is crazy, all that fighting yesterday, just for him to propose today. He seems happy with himself
I'm surprised this is where we are considering, I was barely nice to him for months after we first met
"It's Ndoni's 23rd birthday in a few weeks, I thought that maybe we'd go see her before she gives birth then go past Venice for a few days before moving in" he says as he drives us to Mkhulu's house
"I've always wanted to go to Venice, how cool. If I had known doing as told was this nice, I would have resigned a long time ago" I say laughing and he just shakes his head.
First thing I did when I woke up this morning was send my immediate resignation email and got the couriers to take the work laptop and cellphone in
I'm so happy. I want to show Lindzy the ring in person. Calling him now would mean less time with my fiance. I can't wait to show him the house, he and Peanut have their own ensuite bedrooms
"Mana, Mana!" Peanut is jumping up and down when we get to Mkhulu house
By the smile on Nsizwa's face I know that he knows, knowing him, he most likely helped his brother arrange everything.