Author's Note: This chapter only exists because we were wondering what Obi-Wan was thinking throughout the fic, so enjoy this glimpse into Darth Sidious' head! Lol.
Also, there's only an epilogue after this, followed by a purely self-indulgent reality jumping AU, where Anakin and Obi-Wan end up in the main timeline post ROTS. ;)
~ Amina Gila
The day is definitely not going anything like Obi-Wan expected. Dooku was not supposed to die. Yes, they'd discussed what would happen if things came to that, but that doesn't mean Obi-Wan was expecting it to happen. But it did, and that means he'll have to finish their plans on his own. He knows what's next.
It's time to claim his... apprentice.
Though despite everything, he must admit that he's impressed Anakin was able to defeat Dooku.
As soon as the Council meeting is out and Anakin is back at the Temple, Obi-Wan asks him to come over to his apartment. It's been a while since they've had time to chat about things other than the war, and especially right now before the last pieces of his plan unfold, Obi-Wan finds it a little relaxing.
But it's time now. He needs to carry out the next phase of the plan. Right here and now. He's thought about how to go through with it over and over again, but it's... disturbing. Unsettling. He knows it will hurt, and he doesn't want to do it, but he needs to.
"What would you do," Obi-Wan asks casually, "If I told you I was a Sith?"
Anakin blinks, and then lets out a half-laugh. "Don't be ridiculous, Master."
Obi-Wan lets a smile play on his lips. "Well, I am a Sith, and I want you to join me."
Anakin looks comically torn between if he should be laughing or concerned as to why he's 'joking' about things like this. "Don't joke about this! Did you hit your head? This isn't funny."
"Why do you think you haven't been able to figure out who the other Sith is?" Obi-Wan asks smugly.
"Master!"
He laughs quietly at the near scandalized look on his former padawan's face. Oh, he has no idea.
Anakin huffs. "It's not funny, Master. How can you joke about this?"
"Who said I'm joking?" Obi-Wan asks, teasingly, "Do you want me to show you?"
"Show me what?"
"That I'm the Sith you've been looking for."
Anakin groans. "Can you stop it?!"
He chuckles. "Why?"
"Because – what is wrong with you?!"
"You need to relax," Obi-Wan advises, "You've been thinking way too hard about Sidious' identity all day. You already defeated Dooku. Congratulations on that, by the way."
"You know, this is the third time you've said that."
"I'm impressed. You've brought the war so much closer to a close, Anakin, on your own."
Anakin smiles at him, softly, sincerely, and he really thinks he could do with the boy looking like this more often. It's so rare, though. A small, almost shy smile flickers across his face and he looks down. "Only because of your training," he mumbles.
"Not only," he corrects, "I would never have won against Dooku. You're the only one of us who gets credit for that."
Anakin doesn't really seem to sure how to respond, and there's a flare of something like embarrassed happiness in the Force around him. Obi-Wan reaches over, laying a hand on Anakin's arm, where he sits next to him. "You did well," he tells him again, nudging him with the Force, letting him feel his affection.
It works like he expected. Anakin settles back against the couch, moving a little closer until he's leaning against Obi-Wan, his own shielding on their bond slipping down a little. (He wishes he could let Anakin know how much he cared for him at times other than when... it's something he needs to use. But he can't. Not until the Jedi are gone.)
Guilt twists inside of him as he thinks about what he has to do now. It's... he didn't want to have to manipulate Anakin into a position like this, but it's better than the alternative. It's going to physically painful to, but... he'll do his best to get it over with as quickly as possible, and besides the boy won't remember it afterwards. He can't cut Anakin out of his plans. His help is far too important, especially now that Dooku is gone.
Once he takes this step, it's going to set everything in motion. It's his only chance and he can't afford for anything else to go wrong. And he doesn't have time to consider this in anymore. He needs to make his move now, before Anakin automatically re-shields their bond fully.
Obi-Wan shifts his position a little, slipping an arm half-around the boy. There's a small flare of surprise from Anakin, but he snuggles a little closer, resting against him. The shields over their bond slip down the slightest bit more.
Now.
(Guilt twists inside him again. He really doesn't want to do this, but there's no other choice.)
Obi-Wan gathers the Force to him, and abruptly reaches through their bond, slamming against Anakin's unusually low shields. It happens too fast for him to see it coming, and Obi-Wan forces his way past the first of the mental barriers easily.
Anakin gasps sharply, instantly trying to jerk away from him – physically and mentally. "Master, what –" he chokes out, eyes going wide.
"I'm sorry," he says quietly, because he is, even if this is necessary. He tightens his grip on Anakin to prevent him from pulling away, reaching up and pressing his free hand against the boy's forehead. The physical contact will make it easier. "Stay quiet," he requests. Anakin is normally very quiet, no matter what's happening, but he understands the risk of someone hearing something.
Anakin is in too much shock to put up much resistance, even if he's trying, as Obi-Wan rips past the barriers around his mind – doing his best to make sure he does it without damaging anything.
The boy curls in on himself, a quiet whimper escaping him. He's shaking a little and breathing hard.
And it hurts him, seeing his child like this, but he can't stop. "Stop fighting it and it won't hurt," Obi-Wan promises, because there's little more he can do at this point, and he needs to focus. It will be over soon enough. He's been in people's heads before; he knows how to do it quickly. He needed practice, after all.
Obi-Wan tightens his own shielding once he finds himself in the boy's mind, and the swirl of the other's thoughts and emotions hit him full force. He does his best to block them off, even if he feels some of them too distinctly to ignore. For the briefest instant, he can feel Anakin's own emotions towards him. Shock and confusion about this aside, love is by far the strongest, but there's so much resentment there, too. He already knew that Anakin was upset at him, though about what specifically he's hardly sure, but the amount he feels stings, honestly. Now isn't the time to think about it, though. He needs to focus.
Sleep. He sends the strongest Force suggestion he can into the boy's mind, and since it's literally coming from in his head, he can hardly resist it.
Anakin instantly slips into unconsciousness – at least he won't have to feel it anymore – slumping against him.
Now that Obi-Wan is in his head, he can much more distinctly see all the fractures in his mind. Forming Vader will be easier than he thought.
***
Obi-Wan watches Anakin's still form. He looks so calm, so peaceful now as opposed to earlier.
Guilt nags at him, but Obi-Wan knows he was only doing what he had to. It was better than turning him. If not for Grievous breaking his concentration, Obi-Wan could have carried it out to completion. It would have been easy, but now Anakin is insistent that the Council imprison him.
It's outrageous, but for as much as Obi-Wan tried to calm him, his... former padawan is far too shaken up. He's determined, and he won't stop at anything less.
First Dooku, and now this. The Sith never would have expected the biggest hitch in his plans was his apprentice himself. This is something he truly doesn't know how to work around.
Grievous is already dead, or Obi-Wan would've killed him again for this.
He doesn't think he'll ever forget the pale, shaken expression on his child's face. It's everything he'd feared. Anakin just... stopped fighting when he realized what was happening. Obi-Wan never wanted to go through this again, but now he fears how close the truth is to being revealed. He doesn't want Anakin to go through this.
But really, he's gone through too much, risked too much for it to be for naught. He needs to carry through with the rest of his plan. It would be so much easier if Dooku was still alive.
Obi-Wan reaches over, gently laying his hand on the boy's shoulder. He wishes he could do this more, be open about how deeply he cares. He's pretending to be a Jedi though, and it means needing to cover it. He's a Sith, and he may be above such things – most of the time – but it changed when he met Anakin. He's not sure if he likes it, but so much changed after he met Anakin.
He had never known what it meant to love. He does now.
To put it simply, he dislikes how the boy somehow took his heart without him knowing. It irks him sometimes, because Obi-Wan knows his caring for Anakin will eventually interfere with the mission he and his masters have worked for, for so long. It's... hard to have someone who holds his whole heart the way Anakin does, and he fears it, because he knows how easy it would be for Anakin to hurt him.
He can't distance them, though, because that would make it worse. At the end of the day, Obi-Wan is a Sith, and he can't trust anyone. That's what makes it so hard, because while he's certain Anakin's loyalty will always lay with him, there's a part of him that... is still afraid. Especially now, if Anakin somehow manages to find out in completely the wrong way that Obi-Wan is, in fact, Sidious.
The Jedi are right in some ways about the dangers of attachment, because in the end Obi-Wan knows that the only person who could truly hurt him at this point is Anakin.
But at the same time, he knows that whatever happens, he'll never regret meeting the boy, coming to love him so deeply. He... means everything to him, more than words can ever describe.
(Maybe that's part of what also scares him so much.)
***
In truth, it had been an attempt to ensure Anakin is safely out of prison and free to help with the next part of his plans, and to make sure Anakin didn't damage his own mind even farther while he ripped down the barrier Obi-Wan built. His child doesn't seem to understand that though, if the panicked look on his face is anything to go by.
He'd panicked the moment Obi-Wan started speaking, though Anakin seems to have somewhat gotten a grip on himself, until Obi-Wan entered his cell. "Relax, Anakin. It'll be fine," he reassures, or tries to, because Anakin doesn't seem to take any comfort in it whatsoever. It's frustrating, because while it's perfectly reasonable for him to be shaken up right now, he could easily alert Windu.
Anakin looks very close to tears, and it hurts. This is his child, and Obi-Wan only wanted to protect him, but he can't do that if he won't listen. If he had, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. He should never have found out like this. But it's too late now. Obi-Wan can only try to help him through the aftermath, now.
When Anakin lowers his shields, he can feel his pain and confusion and so much fear it's smothering. It reminds Obi-Wan much of when he made Vader the first time, and he knows Anakin's afraid of being hurt again. With good reason, he admits grudgingly. "I have no intent on hurting you," he promises, speaking through their bond, "You have nothing to fear... apprentice."
"I am not!" Anakin retaliates angrily. "I'm not your apprentice."
It might almost be amusing in other circumstances because he is, even if he refuses to accept it. It's good to see that Anakin's still as willing to fight as he was earlier, though. "You are," Obi-Wan replies, relieved when the boy's presence stills slightly, his fear shifting to something more confused. "We can discuss this once we're alone," Obi-Wan tells him, finally pulling back from his mind. He already knew it's conditions from earlier, and the fractures in it are as upsetting now as then. He doesn't know what caused them or when they formed, but it's proof of how much his child suffered without him knowing.
They leave for Obi-Wan's apartment afterwards. He's unsurprised (though worried) when Anakin totally breaks down the moment they're alone.
Windu is gone now, and Obi-Wan knows there's a disturbingly high chance that they will discover the truth, which he can't afford. It never should have come this far. "I told you not to do it."
He doesn't miss it when Anakin flinches, gaze riveted on the floor. He's scared; Obi-Wan can feel it, and he doesn't know how to handle it. He doesn't know how to deal with emotions, because quite frankly, they're unimportant. That's never been true for Anakin though. Obi-Wan sighs frustratedly, approaching him. He really, really wishes Anakin would listen to him for once. "This changes nothing, Anakin. I still need your help, and I need you level-headed. That's why I made Vader."
There's a flare of pain in the Force. "I try," Anakin breathes shakily. "For you, I always..."
He is very much not alright, and Obi-Wan hasn't dealt with one of his padawan's breakdowns in a very long time. He's not remotely level-headed right now, and they don't have time for it and nor does Obi-Wan have any idea what to do. He lets his mind run over the things that have help grounded Anakin in the past and admittedly, there isn't much.
Finally, Obi-Wan moves forwards, wrapping an arm around Anakin and pulling him against him. Trying to calm him, Obi-Wan rapidly realizes, is neigh impossible. He can only try to distract him, which he does. It's strange to be talking to someone aloud about everything that happened, but it's also relieving.
"I don't know what to do," Anakin admits at last. "By your teachings, by the word of the Jedi Council, I – I should kill you."
It's the admission that sets him instantly on edge. He feared that Anakin would be more loyal to the Council – to the teachings of the Jedi – than him, though he doubted it. It's still a possibility though, and one that must be dealt with. (He doesn't know how he'd handle it, though, if that were to happen, if Anakin was to turn on him.) "Will you?" Obi-Wan inquires evenly.
"I can't," he mumbles. He looks so vulnerable, and it pulls at something in his heart. This should never have happened to Anakin. (To be fair, it wouldn't have happened at all had he listened to Obi-Wan.)
"Then you must know that we have one way forwards," Obi-Wan states. "To reunite the galaxy under the rule of an Empire."
Anakin... doesn't take that better than he's taken anything else today, but at least he doesn't have another breakdown. "You're talking about destroying the Republic. Padme will..."
"Don't worry about your girlfriend," Obi-Wan tells him bluntly. He knows there's something to that, okay? He hasn't mentioned it, because he expected Anakin would come to him when there was time. It's not something that they've ever discussed, though Obi-Wan knew.
"Master!" Anakin yelps, flushing. "She's not my –"
"Then what?" Obi-Wan asks, half-curious, half-teasing. He knows they spend a lot of time together, and he's certain they're in a relationship of some kind.
"It's – I – we're, um," he blurts out, clearly uncomfortable and nervous at once. "We're married."
What?!
"And she's going to have a child. We're going to have a child, soon."
"And you never thought about saying anything until right now?!" he demands. It sounds completely unreal. Anakin is hardly more than a child himself despite his maturity, and he's already married and –
"I wanted to," he admits, smiling faintly. He looks calmer than earlier, now. Almost... happy. Now that they're talking about this, anyway. "They matter more to me than anything, and I wanted to leave the Order, but Padme told me I should stay, and I had a duty there, and –"
"You're still young," Obi-Wan argues, mind-blown. He can't even wrap his mind around it. Of all things, he would never have expected marriage. And he definitely would never have dreamed that Anakin might be about to become a father.
"I've known younger," he argues. "You're only sixteen years older than me."
As if. There's no way Obi-Wan was experienced enough in the Force at that age, and if he tried, he'd have made a freak-monster instead of a human, no doubt. He gets the point though.
And... on second thought, he probably shouldn't have brought up Qui-Gon, because that leads directly into Maul. "How was Qui-Gon killed? Why would Maul have done that?"
Oh no. Do not start crying again –
"How could you have done that?" Anakin whispers. "How could you have made me do that?"
It's confusing, really, how deeply Anakin cares for people, even those who deserve death. "This was what I loved in you most," he murmurs, reaching up to take Anakin's face in his hands. It's intimate enough that he can only hope it'll keep his child grounded. "You care so much. It meant I couldn't turn you without breaking you entirely, and I won't. I will not hurt you, Anakin. You have my word on that." He couldn't do it. He was planning to, he had the chance, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to do it, to see this child forever lost in the Dark Side. Even if it'll make him stronger, give him what he probably needs most, it'll change him, and Obi-Wan is selfish enough to not want that.
"Plagueis was the one who taught my own masters the true nature of the Force. He trained Maul as well, who later betrayed and killed him. It was... a Sith power struggle, you could say."
"And you had to bring me into it," Anakin replies, dully.
"He was going to kill you." Anakin doesn't argue that part again, but Obi-Wan has a good idea what he's feeling. He had struggled himself at first after embracing the Dark Side, but his master was always there, guiding him with patience Obi-Wan could never hope to have himself. He doesn't see Anakin letting go of what happened anytime soon, but until he does, it will only drag him even closer to the edge.
He lets out a quiet sigh, pulling Anakin into his arms again. This time, he gives into it instantly, reaching up to twist his fingers into Obi-Wan's robes, clinging to him. "I went through this, too," he admits, "I was younger than our padawan when I embraced the Dark Side. It was not an easy path, but it paid off in the end. You touched the Dark Side, Anakin, and it will forever change you. You must accept it, eventually."
"Accept it," he repeats. "Accept that I'm – I'm –" He cuts himself off, shuddering.
"You're overreacting," Obi-Wan tells him flatly. "Maul was not innocent. He was deserving of death." For all the Jedi speak of the Sith being evil, it is true that they can be merciful and are more reasonable than the Jedi. They don't kill unless it's necessary.
Windu shows up not long later, interrupting their conversation. Obi-Wan can only hope he doesn't suspect the truth.
***
Obi-Wan expected Anakin to be furious when he told him the Jedi needed to be destroyed, but never would he have guessed that his former padawan would betray him. An icy, cold rage floods him, hurt that screams for vengeance. Never in his life has he wanted to hurt the child before – and even now, it's against anything he's known – but maybe this once, he's too furious to care. Anakin has tried his patience many times over the years, but he's never outright broken his trust, never done anything near outright betrayal.
He reacts almost instinctively, lashing out with the Force, throwing Anakin across the room. He hits the wall, before falling very unceremoniously to the floor.
Obi-Wan stalks towards him, not fully sure what he's going to do, but this betrayal cuts deeper than he thought anything could. All he knows is that maybe, maybe his Sithly instincts are taking over, because right now, he wants him to hurt.
"Master," Anakin blurts out, and it's the desperation and fear in his voice that somewhat breaks through the haze of rage. "You said you weren't going to hurt me."
He pauses at the words, drawing in a deep breath in an attempt to get his own emotions under control. Obi-Wan knows, logically, that he doesn't want to do this, or at least he'll regret it later. Anakin is already scared of him, and he doesn't want to make that worse.
That still doesn't change what Anakin did, though.
"You betrayed me," he replies, finally. Technically, he destroyed everything Obi-Wan's ever worked for, because it's too late to try and leave the Temple to carry out his plans. The whole place is likely being put on high alert already.
Anakin doesn't move from his position on the floor. Obi-Wan can still feel his fear as acutely as ever. "Yes, I did." His voice is quiet, and he doesn't look up from the floor.
"I never took you for the type," Obi-Wan replies, barely controlling his own anger and hurt over the betrayal. He feared this would be his – their – undoing, but he never expected it to happen.
Anakin lifts his head at that, for the briefest moment. "Nor I, you."
The words sting, because Obi-Wan never betrayed him, but –
Okay, if he takes a moment to think about things from Anakin's perspective, maybe he did. He raised him as a Jedi, taught him that the Sith were evil, so, of course, he'd consider that a betrayal, even if, in reality, nothing changed.
For a moment he almost wishes he had told him a long time ago, but he's still glad he didn't make him a Sith... maybe. The Dark Side does change people.
Obi-Wan crosses the room, kneeling next to him. "We betrayed each other," he concludes, reaching to touch his arm.
"I'm sorry," Anakin mumbles.
"That doesn't change it," Obi-Wan retaliates, because it's the truth. It changes absolutely nothing.
"I... couldn't let you do that."
The... lame justification only serves to send another wave of anger through him, though. "So, you thought turning me over to the Council, destroying everything we worked for was better."
He can still acutely feel Anakin's fear in the Force, and doesn't miss how Anakin tenses again. Maybe under any other circumstances, he'd be able to try to calm him again, maybe, but they're short on time now. "I'm not going to let you murder ten thousand people," Anakin insists, as if it's that simple.
There's so much more at stake here than the fate of the Jedi though.
Speaking of the Jedi, he is practically out of time. He needs to focus on the situation at hand, and deal with this later. Whatever later will be.
Obi-Wan stands, looking towards the door. No one is here yet, but it's only a matter of time. And there's something else he really needs to know, to decide how to handle this. "The Jedi will be here any moment. Are you going to help them?" He wouldn't have dreamed of this truly happening, but he also knows that if he will, Obi-Wan needs to know. He can't afford to be captured, and if Anakin turns on him, he'll have to escape alone. Somehow.
Anakin hesitates. "I – I won't let them hurt you."
That's probably a 'no' then, but he isn't entirely certain. Regardless, it does little to help since it appears he will be escaping on his own. "It's a little late for that," he retorts. He doesn't know for certain or care to find out what will happen if the Jedi do manage to capture him. Though Anakin might actually regret his stupid decision if things went that far. "You know if they arrest me, we may not see each other again."
Anakin doesn't have time to respond, because then the Jedi arrive.
***
Obi-Wan has to admit that if not for Anakin's quick thinking, they probably never would have made it out alive. It's starting to sink in – finally – how everything he'd ever worked for his entire life is gone. Destroyed. And the galaxy is doomed, he knows. All because Grievous messed up his plan and started this whole mess, and then, of course, Anakin destroyed the rest.
Anakin lets out a quiet groan, burying his face in his hands. His emotions are whirling between pain and despair, and a jumble of other things he can't name.
"You're not the one who had everything you worked for destroyed," Obi-Wan says finally, because it's the truth.
"Sorry," Anakin mumbles, "I didn't mean to. I panicked. I didn't want to do this to you. I did... what you always told me was right."
That... does very little to help right now, when the plan that's literally been in motion for a thousand years is ruined. "The galaxy is doomed, though. The Empire under Palpatine's rule will never last." He should've done better, Obi-Wan can't help thinking. Anakin has always struggled with control. He should've taught him differently. Sith are always loyal to their masters... okay, until they try to kill him, but that's not been part of their lineage for the last few generations. Anakin himself was loyal to people over principles, and that was something Obi-Wan never encouraged. "I should've trained you better. Your loyalty was supposed to be with me."
"You never gave me a reason," Anakin argues, "I loved you, but you never..." He trails off, shuddering, and Obi-Wan really wonders what is going through his head right now.
"I did," Obi-Wan tells him, just in case the assurance is needed. "Care for you, I mean."
"Did you?" Anakin asks, raising his head. He looks like he bears the burden of the galaxy right now, or at least is under the very erroneous assumption that he does. "I don't know what it's supposed to be like. I cared for Ahsoka, and I would never do this to her. Ever."
"You've always been different," Obi-Wan points out. It's the one simple truth he knew from the day he met Anakin Skywalker, that the boy is the brightest light in the galaxy and somehow has a ceaseless caring and compassion for everyone, even the most undeserving.
"I don't understand it," Anakin admits, "I – I thought it was mutual. The loyalty. The... protectiveness."
"I am protective of you." Really, if he wasn't, he wouldn't have failed to turn him. He wouldn't have done so much to protect him from Dooku and the Council and... everyone.
Anakin outright scoffs. "You're not. Not if the person who hurt me was you."
It irks him, but Obi-Wan finds his curiosity to know what's in the boy's mind is greater. "Tell me," he asks, "We have time." It gives Anakin no way out of it, because they have nothing else to do until they exit hyperspace.
"I really don't know what there is to tell." He sounds slightly frustrated now, and a mix of wary and worried.
"All of it." Anakin is going to get upset, he knows, but it's worth it. If that's what it takes for him to talk...
"What's there to say?!" he snaps, anger spiking. "That you – you ripped my mind in half? That I was messed up enough to let you do it to begin with? That you made me rip Maul apart with my bare hands? That you made me kill my own clones? The boys I fought with for years, who risked their lives for me every day? Is there anything more I need to say?!"
"If that's not all of it," Obi-Wan tells him dryly. He knows there's a lot more, because the resentment Anakin had for him from before was... great. He'd felt it earlier, when he made Vader. "I know there was more. Before."
"Like what?" he snarls. "Where you were the one who started the war?"
He's still not answering, and Obi-Wan knows there's only one way to get him to keep talking: by upsetting him even farther. Luckily, he's long excelled at making Anakin upset, intentionally or otherwise. "Anything else?" he asks carelessly.
"Like when you abandoned Ahsoka?" Anakin yells, jumping up, "Or when she and I carried your dead body back to the Temple? I don't think I need anything more to say!"
He should have known that still bothered him. Okay, he did know, technically, but maybe he never knew how much. "That I admit may have been a step too far," Obi-Wan concedes. He'd known it even at the time, but he'd been so blinded by the belief that Anakin would always stand by him that he never would have guessed that it would be Anakin who ruined everything.
"May have been?" Anakin yells. "I carried you back to the Temple the same way I did my mother! The same way Ahsoka died in front of me a few months before that! She was the one who found your body. It was her who had her beliefs in the Order shattered. It was because of you she didn't trust the Council! Was that what you wanted?"
In truth, Obi-Wan hadn't given nearly enough thought to how Anakin – or Ahsoka especially, because he hadn't thought about her at all, and he's beyond embarrassed to admit it – would feel about it, especially not to how he also held a dying parent in his arms.
And maybe, he thinks, he pushed a little too far. "That was unintentional, Anakin. The Council asked me to do it, and I saw no reason to refuse."
"No reason?" Anakin yells. "What about the part you spent your entire life using me? How can you call that 'caring'?"
His anger flares at that. Anakin might be right about him being used, maybe, but Obi-Wan risked so much for him. In the end, it was his caring for Anakin that made everything fall apart. "Had I not cared for you," Obi-Wan retorts darkly, "You would already be dead at my feet." It's the only reason he's willing to spare him, even now. Betrayal is not treated kindly among the Sith. Especially not when so personal.
Anakin stills, fear flickering across his face. "Or you at mine," he retaliates.
"You wouldn't do it." Anakin might have been willing to betray him, but he knows without a doubt he'd never be able to kill him. He hates killing. "You wouldn't carry through with it. You couldn't."
"I wish you'd told me earlier," Anakin mutters, sinking back into his seat. He looks tired now, more drained than he has in a very long time. "I spent my entire life wanting to know."
"You'd be struggling more now, if I had," Obi-Wan points out.
Anakin scoffs, but he doesn't argue. "Maybe," he mumbles, and he looks so... worn out, right now. His pain is swirling heavily in the Force.
And despite everything, Obi-Wan still doesn't like seeing him like this. Anakin might have... destroyed everything, but he still helped him escape in the end. "You stayed with me, though," Obi-Wan says finally, standing.
"Don't take it personally. It wasn't for you."
Yes, he knows it wasn't, completely, or they wouldn't even be in this mess in the first place, but they wouldn't be here together if Anakin hadn't finally chosen him over the Jedi. "Perhaps not entirely," he replies, stepping over to him, reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder, "I have... much patience with you. Don't cut it short." Anakin is still... his son, and he still loves him far more than maybe he should. He doesn't trust him anymore though and doubts he can again. Maybe it's best if he doesn't.
There's a heartbeat of silence before Anakin relaxes a little, leaning closer. "What now?" he asks, almost bitterly, "What more could you want from me? I have nothing left to give you."
Obi-Wan doesn't answer him right away, letting his mind turn over the question. It's not an easy answer, because in truth, their relationship has always been about... giving. It's not something he's particularly proud about, but it's what it is. It's what Anakin's always done though. He always gives. Not just to Obi-Wan, either, but to everyone. "You do," he replies, leaning down to pull him into a hug. "You have yourself."
Obi-Wan isn't blind to it: the adoration Anakin has always centered solely on him, no matter how deeply he cares for others. And in the end, he thinks maybe that's the one thing he wants. It's the only thing he can have now, and it will have to be enough. Maybe. If Anakin doesn't betray him again, anyway.
Anakin snuggles against him, not responding verbally. He seems confused, but he doesn't ask.
Abruptly, he finds himself missing this, missing the days when Anakin was younger and they only had each other, not the war and complexity and everything now, but Anakin did lose his family. "I didn't mean for this to happen," he admits at last. He can't help feeling guilty, because Anakin lost everything, and even if most of it was because of a stupid mistake he made himself, Obi-Wan did play a role in it.
"Nor did I. I wish I'd thought through it."
"That wouldn't be the first time."
Silence falls over them, and he can sense the tumult of emotions with which Anakin is struggling, pain being the strongest. "Stop dwelling on it so much," Obi-Wan advises, though he sees the temptation. He can't though, not when his child is breaking down in his arms for the maybe-fifth time this week.
"What?"
"You made this choice, and it cannot be undone," Obi-Wan replies, "But we can... work with it." Or so he hopes.
***
Every time Anakin looks at him now, there's something guarded in his eyes. It irks him, because he hates this change. He misses when his child would trust him with anything... almost anything. It's surreal to think such a time existed, once.
"I miss you," Anakin admits finally. "I – I miss how it used to be."
"I do as well."
Anakin glances at him, and they meet eyes for a moment, then his gaze drops. "I don't know what to do."
"I wish I could trust you."
"I'm not going anywhere," he responds quietly, "But I can't blindly follow your orders anymore. I can't."
"You never blindly followed my orders," Obi-Wan retorts.
Anakin glares at him. "Yes, I did. I did anything the Council told me to, even if it went directly against my own moral values. You know that."
He... has a point. Sort of. Maybe. "That was the Council," Obi-Wan retaliates, "Not me. You never did anything for me."
"As if you did me?" Anakin retaliates, shaking his head. There's a fire burning in his eyes now. "You never gave me a reason to! Everything I did my entire life as a Jedi was because you asked me to, not because the Council said so! Why do you think I didn't go straight to Palpatine after the Council told me to commit treason?!"
Okay, maybe annoying him when he's already unstable isn't a good idea. Obi-Wan didn't want this to turn into an argument, but it seems to be happening, anyway. Sometimes, dealing with Anakin feels impossible. "Anakin –"
"Fine. Whatever. I can't give you enough, and I never will. I'm sorry I can't be your perfect pet," he spits back venomously, though Obi-Wan can hear the concealed pain in his voice. He knows that, but it angers him, anyway.
"I risked everything for you," he growls.
"By taking over my mind?" Anakin yells back, and Obi-Wan has little doubt he would have thrown something if he could have. "You were inside my mind. Twice!"
"I didn't want to hurt you. Maybe," Obi-Wan replies coolly, even if he knows he doesn't really mean it. Or maybe he does, he doesn't know. "I should have turned you."
Anakin flinches. "At least you wouldn't have taken from me the one thing left from my childhood." His expression twists. "Master, you invaded my mind. You – at least it would have been my choice." He looks on the verge of tears, and it tears at Obi-Wan's heart.
"I didn't actually see it," he argues. "I caught onto vague impressions, but I didn't see your memories."
"You made me trust you," Anakin replies bitterly, "And then you – you used our bond. Again." Obi-Wan is fairly certain he was going to say something else, but he cuts himself off there, shuddering.
His emotions are pouring into the Force, and Obi-Wan doesn't think he has any idea how much, because it's fueling the Dark Side. Obi-Wan has no idea how his padawan can feel so much. It baffles him, and he does not envy Anakin in the least. Obi-Wan can't even begin to imagine it, but it sounds extremely unpleasant. "I did what I had to," he answers finally. "It seemed the lesser at the time."
"That's what I mean," Anakin says, something lost and helpless in his tone. "If you did it once, you could do it again."
"I won't."
"You said that before. Ahsoka said it too, and she left me, anyway."
Obi-Wan steps closer to him, laying a hand on his arm. "Anakin," he says tiredly. (Really, it would be so much easier if this wasn't literally the person who destroyed his life.) "I... I never thought through how deeply it would affect you. We do things of this nature frequently."
"Not that invasive though – most of the time," Anakin hastily amends.
He sighs. Anakin isn't going to let this go, and... To be fair, Obi-Wan can't imagine he'd appreciate it if someone did that to him, even if he'd understand it, but Anakin has never been that way. "I shouldn't have a reason to do anything of this nature again."
"I wish I could believe you," Anakin murmurs, "But how do I know you're willing to... let it go? How do I you're not going to try forming your Sith Empire, anyway?"
"We're past that point. I won't force you to do something you're not comfortable with." Anakin's expression doesn't change – Obi-Wan is impressed – but he doesn't argue.
"I should thank you," Anakin says after a long pause. "You have been unusually patient. I know I'm not easy to deal with."
"Then why do you keep trying to be difficult?" he asks dryly. Anakin doesn't answer – not that Obi-Wan expected him too. Silence settles over them for a few moments, though he still senses a surprising amount of pain in the Force, through their bond which is now completely shielded off.
The boy crosses his arms, still not speaking, though he glances at Obi-Wan a few times.
"What?" he asks finally.
"Nothing," Anakin answers hastily, maybe a little too quickly. "If we're done here..."
"What are you trying to escape from?"
"Nothing. I don't know. Another boring lecture, maybe?"
He'd be lying to say it didn't sting. Okay, maybe it's slightly petty, but Obi-Wan draws on the Dark Side, letting it fill him and burn his eyes gold. The fear flickering in Anakin's expression is expected. His emotions fuel the Force, especially the Dark Side. Obi-Wan very much doubts he has any idea how much. It's almost suffocating, sometimes.
"Rude," Obi-Wan says lightly, stepping towards him. Anakin doesn't back away, though it looks as if he's almost physically restraining himself. "Do you fear me?" he asks, almost incredulously.
"I haven't had the best experiences with Sith," Anakin replies, uneasily.
He knows. Somewhat. Obi-Wan does know a little about what his child went through at Dooku's hands, but he supposes there were more details he never knew, likely ones he wouldn't want to. All he knows for certain is that Anakin still bears the scars of it, both physical and mental, and there's nothing he can do to help with those. It hurts, because Anakin should never have had to experience that. "He can't hurt you anymore," he replies quietly, though he knows that's only half of it. "And I... have no intentions of breaking my promise."
He reaches up, slipping his hand to the back of Anakin's neck and tugging him closer, touching their foreheads together.
It's strange to show such affection, but it's what he – both of them, especially Anakin – want, and they're in private right now, so he doesn't need to worry about it being used against them. Probably.
After a moment Anakin moves closer, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Despite everything, Obi-Wan doesn't suppress the flare of adoration that runs through him, as he pulls his child closer, holding him against him. For as upset and betrayed as he still is, it doesn't mean he cares for him any less. (Even if they apparently have plenty of trust issues on both sides to work out.)
"Master, I... I'm sorry things came to this," Anakin says quietly.
Apparently, he's thinking somewhere along the same lines. The apology is still insufficient, but he doesn't want to get into it again right now. "Perhaps there were things I could have handled differently as well," Obi-Wan concedes.
There's a heartbeat of silence and though their bond is still completely closed off, he can sense Anakin's emotions. He can sense the love and devotion that's only been directed towards him, even if it's still mixed with... hurt, resentment, and distrust, all of which they'll have to deal with eventually.
Obi-Wan's never been very comfortable talking about his emotions, and that's especially true now when he still doesn't trust Anakin and knows how easy it would be for Anakin to hurt him again, but he thinks maybe the boy needs to hear this. "I always saw you as more than just my... padawan." Apprentice. However he should word it. "Even I couldn't show it as a Jedi, you were... my child."
Anakin breathes in sharply at the words, his grip tightening. His emotions flare into the Force, a jumbled mixture of adoration, pain, and a mixture of other things Obi-Wan can't put a label on.
"I – I love you. I..." He seems rather at a loss of how to respond.
Obi-Wan reaches up, gently running a hand through his hair. "As do I," he promises.
He knows they both have a long way to go – if things can ever be anything like they used to be – but maybe he's willing to at least try. (Or maybe things actually could be better than they used to be between them; he doesn't know if that's possible.)
But for now, at least, he's content to focus on the moment – as Qui-Gon always said – and... hold him.
Despite everything, the boy is still his child, and he knows Anakin still sees him as a father. It's a deeper connection than Obi-Wan has had or wanted to have with anyone, and even if it destroyed everything in the end, he can't imagine a world without him.
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