Chilly bones were the only two words to describe the feeling of waking up the next morning. I had fallen asleep with the window open and in mid-november that was an awful decision. I had been chilled to the bone and that wasn't even the half of it. There wasn't a single moment of me lying in the bed that I didn't dread getting out of it. I would have to face Carter, Tj and Sierra who had rightfully taken his side. Last night they made a ruckus all to let me know just how wrong I was and how big of a bitch I could be. There wasn't much hope of me getting out of this situation unscathed with friends who still liked me so I stayed in my cold room for a little longer. Avoiding any kind of chaos that could happen from opening my door. I sighed, stood up and started grabbing at my different drawers filled with clothing. I settled on a more than decent outfit, my favorite pair of boots that got me through it all and grabbed my small leather backpack. I pulled my door open smoothly and stepped out. I had already done my routine bright and early before anyone else could possibly stop me to glare or scold me. I crept quietly as I could with my heavy boots on my feet and reached our makeshift living room and kitchen.
Carter was sitting out on the fire escape dangling his feet through where the ladder would fall. He didn't have anything on but a black thermal and a pair of sweatpants. Adorning his hands was a cigarette in one and a beer in the other. His hair looked a mess, falling in every direction blocking most of his face. His high cheekbones looked a little higher meaning he probably hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon. His tiny frame was hunched over, stuck staring at the concrete-glass jungle we called the small apple. I stood there for a few minutes, going over the pros and cons of going over to the window and having a small talk with him. One where I begged him to stay my best friend and recounted all the times I had helped him out and vice versa.
"Why don't you ever just get out of your own head? You're your own worst enemy." Carter said with a little chuckle. He took a pull of the cigarette and looked up at me. I could see the slight drunken haze he was in and knew this wasn't going to be an easy task to apologize to him. He was an angry drunk. A very angry drunk. All the bad things that the world has done to him gets ten times worse and his pent up rage all explodes on his drunken days.
"It's easier for me to live in my head. It's safer here." I responded to him as I walked over to the wide window that was cracked open. He stared at me patiently and I watched as my words rolled over in his head doing backflips.
"I had a feeling you'd say something stupid like that. The poet in you just can't be quiet." He took another drag of his half-finished cigarette. I sat in the window frame patiently, not too sure of what to say to the drunken mess of a best friend that sat in front of me. Though he looked like he was put together, I was just waiting for the explosion that was inevitably going to happen from my lack of words to him.
"So, you just came over to sit in your misery or what?" He was snippy as he looked at me through his hair. He took another drink of his shitty beer and mowed it over in his mouth before swallowing.
"What's that phrase you always say? Misery loves company or some corny phrase like that. I'm sorry you, fucking drunk asshole. You should know better than anyone that I have a very hard time trying to cope with my feelings for... women. You also know better than anyone that you are more than capable of getting a girl if you really wanted to. It was wrong of me to feed off of your insecurities in such a vicious way. You deserve way better than that." My apology rolled off my tongue quickly and eloquently. It was like a sharp shooter aiming for the heart to make him feel all kinds of better than I previously did. It wasn't much of an apology. But it did make him crack a smile for me.
"Whatever Sabby. You already know that the second those words even left your mouth I had already forgiven you. I was just milking it so you could feel some type of hurt over it. Another reason was so you can realize that your denial is going to be the cause of your unhappiness and even push all of us away if you don't do something about it. Girl, you are a lesbian with a capital mother-fucking L. It's about time you embraced and you loved it. Women are fucking great." He began lifting his drink up to the city sky and I laughed at him. My cheeks warmed up from watching my best friend call me a lesbian with a capital l. It was always an odd feeling that passed through me everytime I thought of myself as a lesbian. A woman that only loved women. It sounded correct the more I thought of it. I was a pussy loving, dyke fucking lesbian. Now, if I keep this energy and cradle it over until I reach the corner of 32nd ave, it would be the biggest blessing possible.
"What's going on in that head of yours now baby girl?" He tilted his head as he took yet another swig of his beer.
"I saw this gorgeous woman yesterday when I was across the street from 32nd ave-"
"You mean the Cosmo Cafe? The biggest lezzi cafe in all of manhattan?" Carter hit me with a deadpan look. He held the beer right below his lips as his eyes dripped with sass.
"Well, how the hell would I know that was a, what the hell did you just call it?"
Carter laughed before responding back to me, "the biggest lezzi cafe in all of Manhattan baby girl. That's where all the lesbians hang out and meet one another. You should definitely go back but, I'm sure you were already doing that."
"I don't know if I'm actually brave enough to walk in but hey, I might stand across that street from it like yesterday and just look at it." I watched as Carter's face contorted into something of disgust and disappointment.
"Oh fuck no. You're going inside that cafe and to make sure you do, I'm going with you. Come on." Carter threw his jeans jacket on over his thermal and left his beer on the ledge of the fire escape. He stood up swaying and got his balance. He smiled at me.
"Well, what the fuck you waiting for, get the fuck back in there and lets go." He rushed me back inside the house. I climbed through the window nervously shaking. He was darting towards the door, rushing to get the locks open and he turned around to see me still standing by the window. My feet felt locked in place. I couldn't do it. I couldn't walk into that cafe as if I was proud of who I was, as if I knew who I was. I had never been with a woman, just looked, watched their every move and lusted after them like it was nobody's business. I was supposed to speak to her? What if she wasn't even there, there were just so many, way too many factors that had to be at play for this entire thing to w--
"Oh for fucks sake, Sabby get the fuck of your head! Do something for you for once. Do something without fucking thinking. This can't hurt you, this can't and it won't eat you alive." Carter yelled at me from across the room. His angry drunk coming out in full force to scream at me with the fullest lung capacity he had. I still stood there shaking in my boots. My confidence had dropped, this outfit didn't feel good enough, my hair wasn't big enough, this jacket wasn't cool enough. I suddenly just wasn't enough.
Carter walked over to me and he grabbed me. He hugged me tightly as I stood there stuck in my head. Tears wanted to spill but, I had no real reason for them to spill. They'd just be wasted tears. Completely unneeded.
"Hey, be strong in yourself. You've always had that quality about you that I've admired. You always walked into a room like you knew every inch of yourself. As if you had it memorized and re-mapped the person you could be. If she doesn't think your good enough, fuck her. There are so many beautiful women in the world, Sab."
I looked up at him and sniffed. I blinked the tears away a few times and breathed in deeply.
"You're right, I don't know what it is that's stopping me. Fear is the biggest thing here."
"You've got nothing to be scared of. I'm here with you now and I'll be there with you when you decide to go."
"No. We're going now and we're going today. Let's go you dumb fuck." I ruffled his hair and laughed. He pushed my hand away and smiled at me.
"Let me go get myself looking cute, who knows? I might even find myself a hunk over there."
"I thought it was strictly a lezzi cafe?" My eyebrows raised as I continued to stare at him with a growing smile.
"So now lezzi's can't have gay friends?' He huffed before turning away and walking towards his room to change into an outift that would scream raging bisexual. His walk was more of a sultry sashay that evolved into a runway strut and it caused me to holler. He gave one last smile that was accompanied with a kiss being blown and a wink. I watched the drunk divas door close as I stood in the living room by the open window. The chilling breeze blew in again and settled my mind. I closed my eyes and imagined that I had grown wings to fly to a better place. I imagined it was wild, flowers growing in every crook and corner. I inhaled deeply and I couldn't smell the polluted New York air. What I did smell was honeysuckles and bleeding hearts. I was encased in the smell of flowers I had grown up with in my mother's garden. That's where I was. I had shrunk down to the size of an ant and began exploring the garden slowly. Waving to bugs and seeing my mother use her tools to plant another extravagant flower. I breathed deeply one more time and opened my eyes.
My imagination has been unmatched when it comes to escaping. I always used it when I needed a minute to myself. It helped me breathe, recenter myself in ways I had never thought possible. So I closed my eyes and escaped. I escaped the small apple and entered a place where I was more than liberated. It was always amazing to me how my mind could be the same thing to cause me so much pain yet still be my best escape.
✯✯✯
I had not been able to close my mouth since I first walked into the cafe. Women on women on women was the only thing I saw and if there was a place I wanted to die, it would be right there in the middle of that cafe. I hadn't even tried their food or coffee but the idea of it wasn't appealing because sitting next to the window on the other side of the cafe was the woman I had seen the other day. She looked even more beautiful than she did yesterday. I swear the little bit of sun that was breaking its way through the tight dark skies was shining just on her. It felt like a scene in a movie and my jaw being dropped definitely didn't do anything for my case. I leaned against the counter on my elbows and slouched slightly. I was stuck still focused solely on her larger than life afro, the side of her back that over accentuated her ribcage, her long fingers that held her coffee cup close to her lips. Her lips were so plump. She was the kind of girl that you could never get out of your mind, even if you wanted to.
"I'm assuming that's her by the way you're staring." Carter said smugly. He had a glass of water in his hand as a sad attempt to try and sober up.
"Yeah, that's her." I turned around to face the counter and barista who was working her hardest to make all the drinks. I stared at the marble countertop and began counting all the stones embedded it in.
"So are you going to do something about this or are we just going to keep standing here until the damn place closes." I didn't bother responding to him as I kept counting. I didn't have the guts. Her beauty intimidated me and my attraction for her got under my skin. It rendered me speechless from just this far. I looked up at the blue vintage analog clock that rested on the wall in front of me. I watched as it ticked, taunting me that time was never going to slow down for me to catch my breath. Never going to give me the chance to work up my nerves and walk over to her as though I was the most confident woman in the room. I could dress the part, look the part with the meanest mug I could muster up and even pretend that I was good at meeting new people.
"Sabby! Come over here." I turned around and saw Carter sitting at her table with the girls group of friends. I pretended to not be phased but all I wanted to do was slam Carter against a wall and smack him silly. How the hell could he just do that? When the hell did he fucking do that? I walked over calmly and put on my best brave face. I didn't apply a smile or a mean mug, just neutral as I strolled my way over. When I reached the table, I avoided looking at her with everything I had in my body. I smiled at everyone, but her and grabbed the extra seat that was most definitely pulled over by Carter when the sly bastard decided to go behind my back.
"So, what's your name?" It was the girl I had spent two days pining over speaking to me now. Her voice was sultry. It had to be one of the nicest voices I had ever heard. I want her to keep speaking. It could've been about virtually anything but I wanted to keep hearing her voice. Being this close to her, I could even smell her. Vanilla. It wafted over to me and cradled my nose.
"Uh, I'm Sabrina, it's nice to meet all of you." I smiled at her, shly might I add. I couldn't stare into her eyes that were two different shades of brown. It was the prettiest thing I think I had ever seen. She was the prettiest woman I know I ever saw.
"Well, you just met us so I don't know if you actually mean that." She laughed slightly and her friends joined her, even Carter did. Oh fuck, even her laugh.
"No but, I can only assume that you guys are decently okay since Carter decided to sit here." I made a stab back to which bred a little smile of her own. I stared into her eyes as I said it and I could see her interest in me grow. She stared at me up and down. Her eyes seemed to be memorizing me. The way she stared at my hands, and crawled her way up to my face. Looking at the constellations of freckles that littered my brown skin. She licked her plump lips to which I watched.
"Hm, I guess you'd be kinda right-,"
"Guys, we gotta go, now!" A girl with a carhartt hat on said from behind Carter and I. She had a skateboard in her hand and her outfit was baggy but extremely cute. They all stood up and raced towards the door without question but not before she turned around and called to us.
"You guys know about the Content Club right? Meet us there tomorrow night. I look forward to dancing with you Sabrina." She ran out after her friends, hopping into a vintage looking car and racing down the New York street. I watched as she drove off, stunned that she had invited me out after just meeting me once. I smiled and looked at Carter.
"I still fucking hate you for that Carter."
"Oh no, the hell you don't. I didn't think she'd like you after you said that bitchy ass shit." He said to me playing with the spilled sugar on the table.
"Oh please, that wasn't bitchy. And hey, it worked clearly." I said with a smile that couldn't leave my face.
"Anything you said would've worked. The girl was eyeing you way before I even went over there. When I called you over, she looked all kinds of flustered."
"You're messing with me." I stared into his eyes and not a single inch of a lie was being told.
"Not a mess in sight. You're both good at pretending you don't like the other person." He took a sip of his water after that and I shook my head. I was smiling. It'd be impossible to get this girl out of my head now. I'd be wrong to say that I wasn't upset our meeting got cut short but I had another chance to see her, and this time it wouldn't be on 32nd street.