TW : ED content
I go to all my classes with a smile on my face, spending the night cuddling Warned combined with it being Friday has put me in a great mood. I can't believe he likes me and not just the new me, he liked me before any changes. Emily and Sierra were wrong.
I get back to the dorm kitchen and Warner is waiting for me with a big smile on his face, I guess I'm not the only one in a cheery mood. I glance down at his hands and my stomach flips, he made me breakfast. A meal I normally skip.
"Hey Jules, I made us french toast. I know you used to love it." He looks nervous and after seeing him shuffle back and forth unsure I know I have to suck it up and eat the damn french toast.
He is right, his mom used to make the best french toast when we were kids. She used to give me a whole extra serving when I left so I could have a second breakfast. Honestly, I feel like everyone around me wanted me to get fat with the way they enabled my bad eating habits. Back then I was handed meals everywhere I went and now I couldn't eat a piece of toast without feeling guilty.
After we sit down at the table, Warner finishes his food lightning fast, then resolves to study me while I savour my own meal.
"Do you chew every bite at least one hundred times?" he asks, raising his eyebrow. He seems to really be studying me.
I take a very slow sip of my coffee, making sure to hold it in my mouth for a few seconds just to pull his leg. "Do you always watch girls' mouths while they eat?"
"Only yours."
I shut up, trying to hide a shy smile.
"Hey Guys" Adam walks into the kitchen and for the first time in a while he didn't look mad. He even comes over to the table and does a handshake with Warner. Since when did they make up?
I smile at him and he returns the smile. I don't know how men's minds work sometimes, weren't they just fighting recently? Instead of questioning them I just continued eating my meal, taking as many bites as possible for reasons I kept secret.
_______
I lay in my bed feeling way too full, I hadn't even eaten that much but I knew I would be thinking about this meal for the rest of the day. My breathing gets quicker and quicker as I think about all the calories I just consumed. I needed to get it out of me but I couldn't...Abby was in the bathroom she would know.
The panicky feeling in my chest won't go away so I get up and stand in front of my mirror, I lift up my top and stare at my reflection. I needed to see if I had gained any weight from eating that meal.
Shifting from side to side as tears roll down my face, I look at my body. My ribs were fairly visible, I still don't have any chub in my lower belly and although that was something that would've pleased me before, now it just made me feel sick. I look at my legs which had always been a big insecurity of mine growing up. I have a thigh, gap, which I would've died for before, but now all I can think about is how it could be a bigger gap if I just ate a little less.
I pull down the neck of my top to reveal my shoulders. They are bony and I have no muscle definition in my arms. My collarbones jut out so much you can probably put something in them. I used to follow Tumblr pages that posted collarbones like these, but I don't feel proud instead I feel like I could do more...I could be skinnier.
No matter how much weight I lose, it seems I will never be happy with the girl looking back at me in the mirror. My body just acts as a reminder of the mental torture I have put myself through and so I sit down on the floor and cover my mouth as I choke out the sob I am been holding.
I try to shake away my inner turmoil and the unwanted thoughts reeling around in my head but it's no use, they don't disappear. My subconscious continues to chastise me for the way I look, nitpicking every detail and every insecurity I have.
After calming my breathing down I just wanted to see someone who would make me feel better. I cleaned up the mascara that was running down my face and redid my makeup. I hoped he wouldn't notice anything was wrong because I didn't want to talk about it I just wanted comfort.
I knocked only once and Warner's door swung open immediately, he was smiling until he took one look at me and then immediately pulled me into his arms.
"Are you okay? What happened?"
Well so much for pretending nothing was wrong. God, why did he notice everything?
He lets go of me placing me on the foot of his bed "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks kneeling in front of me and I look down to see him staring up at me, his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth pulled into a frown, concern flaring in his eyes.
I shake my head. "Not yet."
"Hey, Warner?"
"Yeah?"
"Please kiss me."
He didn't have to be asked twice. Staying in the same crouching position, he leans in and presses his lips to mine. It's a gentle caress at first, our lips hardly brushing against each other. I make a noise of impatience at the back of my throat causing him to smile against my cheek. That's when things really start moving along. He gets up, moving me right along with him until I'm on my back on his bed. Slowly he moves over me, his body hovering over mine. The proximity causes me to lose my breath. I stare at his enigmatic green eyes and he looks at me with such adoration and tenderness that I almost lose my mind.
He cups the back of my neck, bringing me closer to him and kisses me again, harder this time. My arms wrap themselves around his neck as I try to push myself closer to him, trying to erase the distance. I gasp when his tongue darts out to lick the seam of my lips and then we are a blur of tangled limbs and heated kisses. His tongue enters my mouth and I meet each thrust of his tongue with one of my own. The taste of him overwhelms me. It's intoxicating and I'm so very drunk on it.
My hands move on their own accord, travelling down his back and then under his shirt. His muscles tense when I press my fingers against the bare skin and he growls into my mouth. His kisses turn frantic as I trace the hard ridges of his spine. He moves his lips to my jaw, peppering it with kisses until he moves on to my neck and I arch into him, greedy for more.
This is so good. This feels incredible. Why don't we do this all the time? Now I know why Abby and Winston don't hang out with us as much as they used to. They must be locked up in their rooms doing this!
I don't hold a grudge, seriously
My heartbeat turns frantic when Warner slips his hand under my shirt. This is new, yeah this is definitely new and I love it. I begin to think about if I am bloated and then I start to feel unsure if I want him to feel my stomach. But then all those toxic thoughts fly out the window as his hand edges up my torso. Momentarily I forget how to breathe.
He pauses, only to look at me, asking if it was okay and I let him know that it was even better than okay. I wanted his touch so fiercely that it scared me. I'd never experienced a want like this before in my life and it was as terrifying as it was exhilarating. I could feel every part of me coming to attention, every sensation seems to be heightened, and every touch seems to cause an array of emotions. I feel like I'm on fire and it's the most wonderful feeling ever.
I want more, more of this skin searing touch. I tug at the hem of his shirt and he rises, sitting on his knees and reaching over his shoulder. He pulls the shirt over his head in one smooth go and throws it on the floor. I take in his naked chest, all those defined muscles, the abs...Oh dear god, the abs.
"I forgot you are built like some sort of greek god, I mean seriously? Do you need that many abs?" I gulp, not being able to take my eyes off them.
I didn't mean to say that out loud but he chuckles, nipping at my lips as he once again covers my body with his.
"They're all yours," As if knowing what I'm dying to do, he takes my hand and places it on his lickable abs. I touch them in absolute wonder as Warner sucks in a breath. His fingers move over the muscles which contract beneath my touch. His skin is smooth but taut, with rippling muscles and hard edges. He's perfect inside and out.
I take my time exploring him as he kisses my cheeks, my forehead, my eyelids, my nose and eventually my lips. His heated kisses travel down my neck and I can feel my eyes roll back into their sockets as he approaches my chest. He hesitates before trailing his tongue over the swells of my breasts. I gasp as he pushes my shirt down, just a bit and not all the way. He then follows the trails of his tongue, with his lips. I'm a quivering mess of emotions and feelings. It's an out-of-body experience, really.
"I have wanted this for so long, it's even better than I imagine." Warner's breathing is as erratic as mine and I realize that my hands are still roaming over his body. I try to catch my breath but it's difficult with his warm breath fanning my face.
Holy...
"You...you thought about me?" I stutter, seemingly left speechless by his confession. When someone who looks like he does, tells you that they fantasized about you it's kind of hard to believe. I mean he has always been surrounded by such beautiful girls so to hear something like that is just...WOW.
He moves off me and props himself onto his elbow. Looking right at me he gives me another kiss which has me in danger of cardiac arrest.
"All the damn time"
Swoon.
After a little, okay a lot more hands-on making out we straighten our clothes and prepare to head into the common room to join the rest of our roommates. It was Friday after all so that meant we would probably be leaving the house.
We walk out into the common room with smiles on our faces but those smiles are wiped off immediately when we see who is sitting on the couches waiting for us.
Sierra is sat on the couch right next to Adam with a big fat smile on her face. I freeze in place next to Warner who grabs my hand interlacing our fingers together. Everybody in the room sees the interaction including her.
"What are you doing here?" Warner asks, his teeth clenched.
"You weren't answering my texts. I figured I would just visit in person and once I told your friends I was a pal from high school they let me right in." Sierra smiles fakely at us both and I want to curl under the table and die.
But I wouldn't do that. Things would be different this time, I might have been a spineless coward in high school but I wasn't now. Well, I was trying not to be.
"Is something wrong?" Adam asks, his eyebrow raised. Abby also gives a look asking the same thing but without words.
Warner's entire body is tense but I cut in to answer. I didn't need everyone worrying, "No It's just a surprise that's all." I lie.
Sierra gets up and I almost take a step back on instinct. She walks over making sure to sway her hips as she does. She walks right up to Warner next to me and wraps her arms around his body embracing him. His body stays stiff but after she whispers something in his ear I can't hear he wraps his arms around her and returns the embrace.
She hugs me next and I cringe hugging her back but before I pull away she puts her lips to my ear and whispers "I invited some other old friends tonight I hope you don't mind." I swallow the lump in my throat and say nothing.
I was scared to find out who was going to join us tonight.