(A/N: This chapter is going to be an extremely tense chapter. It will be talking about suicide and death this is your warning it will also probably be the last chapter in the story.)
Bens pov*
"Holy shit Carina what are you doing here we've been trying to talk to you for weeks" I said when I noticed Carina looking extremely pale with dark bags under her eyes like she hasn't slept in months looking extremely skinny more so than normal it seems like her clothes don't fit or they are Mayas either way they seem bigger on her than normal.
"I wanted to see everyone one last time before I left" whispered Carina she said it so quietly that I was almost sure I didn't really hear her say anything.
"Last time are you moving back to Italy" I asked confused well not necessarily confused since that's her home and where her family lives but I didn't think she'd be going back but I guess when someone you love dies you wanna leave for a while to escape.
"Something like that" shrugged Carina when I noticed she was holding an envelope with Andy's name on it.
"Are you looking for Andy" I asked as I pointed to the envelope.
"Yeah is she out on a call" asked Carina.
"No she's in her office I think she's sleeping or talking to Vic who knows" I tried to explain to her but she didn't seem to be listening.
"Are you okay Car" I asked making her look straight at me with a look of pure anger.
"Don't call me that only she could" mumbled Carina as she gripped her shirt tightly her eyes seem to be focusing on everything.
"Okay okay but can you take a deep breath please you look like you are about to pass out maybe you can go to the captains bunk and sleep there for a couple hours" I explained.
"I'm fine can you just give this to Andy and tell her I'm sorry for bothering her" said Carina as she handed me the envelope and left the station.
"I'll find a way to help you Carina we promised Maya" I whispered as I walked to the captains office and knocking on the door.
"Come in" I heard Andy say.
"Hey Captain um Carina just left but she wanted me to give this too you and said she was sorry for bothering you" I said as I walked in and handed her the envelope.
"She was here we haven't heard from her in a week did she look okay" asked Andy.
"No she didn't she lost a lot of weight but she was already skinny to begin with and she looks like she hasn't been sleeping either but I'm going to leave so you can read whatever is in that envelope" I said as I walked out of the office and bumped into Vic.
"Oh sorry Ben I was in my own little world for a second is Andy busy" asked Vic.
"It's fine Vic and yeah I'd leave her alone for a little bit to read whatever it is that Carina had in the envelope come on" I said as I turned her around.
Andy's pov*
"Why do I feel like this isn't going to be good" I told myself while staring at the envelope.
"It's okay Andy you got this" I said as I took a deep breath and opened the envelope and opened the letter up.
Dear Andy,
I know that I haven't spoken to any of you in a while but can you blame me you guys were Mayas family I can't even walk into the station without having a panic attack. I don't think I can do this anymore you see Maya was my home my everything and losing her losing my home has ruined me. I can't sleep because I keep dreaming about her when she told me about how she wanted to be in the clouds so that she could finally be able to relax when she was younger I understand that now I really do. I miss her so much I don't leave my bed because I don't want to face the world without her. I miss the way her eyes light up when she is truly enjoying something. I miss the way she used to cling to me when she was drunk. I miss the way she holds me tight when I would be worrying about her safety at work. I miss the way she held my face as she kissed me. I even miss the way she would smell like smoke after a long shift because that meant she made it back to me. I miss the way she would correct me when it came to American idioms but to be honest I would sometimes screw them up on purpose because it would make her laugh. I miss everything about her how could I not she was truly the best thing that has ever happened to me.I know Jack hates me but I only think it's because he's grieving which I don't blame him. Him screaming at me talking about how Maya is gone was really heartbreaking because I know she's gone I know she's never coming back to me. I know that I didn't realize I was making it harder for you guys to grieve when I was waiting to grab her things from the station and I apologize but i forced myself too even though I wasn't ready. I'm writing this to you because I don't really know to be honest this is my goodbye Andy I can't continue life without Maya it's hard and it sucks. She was the only person that I had left since losing my brother. I know you would say but you had everyone at the station as well but you guys were mostly Mayas family I feel like you guys just tolerated me because of Maya. I just want to be with my wife and when I do Sarò di nuovo a casa.
Sincerely
Carina Deluca- Bishop
"Shit shit shit" I said as I rushed to grab my things and left the office.
"GIBSON YOU ARE IN CHARGE THERES AN EMERGENCY I HAVE TO GO" I yelled not even stopping to calmly tell them what's going on.
"I'll come with you" shouted Vic.
"No you stay here" I shouted back as I left the station and got into my car.
"Please please be okay Carina please" I whispered to myself as I drove away from the station.
Meredith's pov*
"Carina are you okay do you need a doctor" I asked when I took in her appearance. She has some bags underneath her eyes indicating that she probably hasn't slept in weeks. She looks pale like a walking zombie just going through the motions of everyday life. She looks so skinny and breakable like the littlest touch could break her.
"I don't need a doctor I'm honestly planning on leaving I just wanted to see dr. Shepherd and Dr. Bailey are they busy" asked Carina as she tried to take a deep breath but was struggling.
"Amelia is currently in surgery and dr. Bailey is doing some paperwork right now" I answered.
"Can you give these to them and tell them that I'm sorry because I just I'm not really sure anymore but I need to go back to the house and finish going through all of Mayas things I just wanted to say goodbye one last time though" said Carina as she handed me two envelopes and left.
"Was that Carina" asked Owen.
"Yep she's planning on leaving but needs to finish putting Mayas things away" I explained as I started walking to the chiefs office.
"She still hasn't done that it's been a good while since Maya died" said Owen making me stop in my tracks and look at him.
"Are you fucking serious right now Owen do I need to page Amelia so she can take a look at your fucking brain because I'm trying to figure out if you are just fucking stupid or I need to sleep because I heard you wrong" I said angrily causing some of the nurses and doctors to look at us.
"Oh come on" said Owen.
"No not come on she's allowed to take as long as she wants to go through Mayas things she lost her wife in a tragedy Owen if she wants to wait a year to do then she can. I did the same thing now get back to work before I make sure once Carina is ready to get back to work she kills you" I said as I knocked on baileys office door.
"It better be important because I'm doing paperwork" said Bailey.
"It is Carina dropped an envelope with your name on it wanted me to give it to you" I answered.
"Come in then" said Bailey.
"Sorry for bothering you but Carina said it was important that this got to you" I explained as I handed her the envelope.
"Okay well get going I'll read this" said Bailey.
Bailey's pov*
"Okay I need to give Amelia her envelope too" explained Meredith.
"Is she okay" I asked honestly scared to hear the answer. Carina is honestly the one person I could go to when I was worried about Ben. We would sit and watch the news when we knew station 19 was at a scene. We would comfort each other when one of our spouses was injured even if it wasn't anything to seriously
"To be honest she doesn't even look like she's really even here like she's just a zombie going through life. She showed no emotion when she spoke to me even her eyes was voided of any emotion. She looks like she hasn't slept since she's found out and looks like she hasn't eaten since then as well" explained Meredith.
"Okay well I'm gonna read this and then get back to work" I said.
"Okay" said Meredith as she closed my door as she left.
"Okay Carina let's see what this says" I said to myself as I opened the envelope and took out the letter.
Dear Miranda Bailey
I know you are expecting me to come back to work but I don't think I can because I would expect Maya to show up to my office with some coffee when I've had a rough shift. We have really bonded over the fact that our spouses were firefights. We would both be waiting for the call from someone on 19 to see if Maya or Ben have been hurt while we watched the scene on the news. Or if we were busy we would see Andy or Vic or one of them waiting for us to finish to give us the news. I also remember how pissed you would get when they would all wait in the waiting room when one of them was injured saying it caused your hospital to smell like a camp fire but I knew you weren't really pissed because you understood the importance of them being there waiting on the news. I think we both would have had grey hair with how much we worried about our partners but we knew that we would never ask them to stop doing the one thing they loved to do. I knew you had a heart attack when ben told you about wanting to be a firefighter and when he did it caused you so much stress. I'm pretty sure I would be dead with how much worrying I did over Maya but we both know how she would do anything to save someone's life it's honestly extremely annoying and makes her so brave it's why I fell in love with her. I haven't spoken to any of you in weeks I don't know what to say or how to feel. I was the same way when I lost Andrea but I also had Maya there taking care of me she knew when I needed space and knew when I needed to be comforted that's what made me realized I loved her she didn't get angry with me when I kept denying her request to hug me or to hold me. She sat in the shower with me and held me while I cried for hours. I remember when we all were at the station they were pulling a 24 hour shift and we decided to stop by with dinner for them. We sat at the table and spoke for hours exchanging stories about our jobs that was strange. She and I talked about starting a family once things calmed down it took her a while to believe she wouldn't be like her dad our appointment was honestly going to be tomorrow to get started.
I miss her so much she was my home the one person I went to about anything not because she was my wife but because she was my best friend my family. I'm writing this to tell you goodbye I'm just tired of being here and not being with her. I can't sleep because I'm having nightmares about her and I can't seem to be able to eat anything no matter how hungry I am. Maya talked a lot about wanting to be in the clouds when she was younger to escape the abuse of her father she wanted to die that way she can finally relax and not stress. You guys will eventually be okay again but cherish everything with Ben don't take anything for granted. I'm going to be with Maya again.
Sincerely
Carina Deluca-Bishop.
Amelia's pov*
"Hey Meredith you seem stressed" I said as I walked up to Carina's office.
"That's because I've been looking for you anyways here this is for you now I have to go" said Meredith as she handed me and envelope.
"Wait who is this from" I asked.
"Carina" yelled Meredith.
"Okay" I said as I walked into her office ever since Carina has taken time off I've been in her office while I worked on paperwork. She hasn't spoken to me in a while but I could never be angry with her about it how can I she lost her wife she's been dealing with that lose not only did she lose her mom and her brother she's now lost her wife she always said that Maya was the only family she had because she never spoke to her father since he is a manic.
"I guess I should see what this says" I told myself as I opened the envelope and took out the letter.
Dear Amelia,
You know we've been best friends for a long time and a I appreciate it even though your comments about wanting to join Maya and I when we have sex or that time you walked in on us in my office and you wouldn't leave you said oh no I've been waiting for this moment since you guys got together and that we couldn't deny you something that you've been fantasizing about so you walked in and close the door and sat in the chair and told us to continue. You are a weird one for that but it's whatever. You were there for me when Maya and I broke up because she cheated on me I had to stop you from going to her apartment I was really hurt but I knew that Maya was dealing with coming to terms with her dads abuse she thought it was normal and I did push her to far to talk to me we both were in the wrong me for pushing to get her to talk and her for cheating and then throwing it in my face. I didn't want you going there and making her feel worse than she already was feeling her and I didn't do relationships she only did one night stands and I couldn't hold a relationship for longer than 3 months we were both in unfamiliar territory but we went to therapy and start working on our relationship then my brother died and maya has never left my side during that time I never really went into detail about everything during that time in my life. She was so caring and understanding when I told her that her touch was to soft for me to handle because I was overstimulated and extremely on edge. I wasn't sleeping or eating but she wouldn't get mad when I lashed out she would take a deep breath and tell me I understand that you are dealing with a lot right now and it feels like everything around you is closing in on you and I don't mind that you are lashing out at me and I will still be here for you. She even offered to take the blame for Andrea dying if I wanted someone to blame and to give her some of the guilt until I was strong enough to take it back but I could never blame her. She even turned on the sirens on the fire trucks so I could scream as loud as I wanted to without anyone but us hearing and she hugged me after that's when I knew I loved her. Remember when I got so drunk that Maya had to carry me out of the bar and you made a comment asking if she lifted me around when we had sex and I never said anything truth is she does and it was the hottest thing the way her arms would flex as she held me against the wall or even the door. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to continue living life without her. I tried I really did but it hurt to much not being able to see my wife anymore you can be mad at me all you want but please understand where I'm coming from
From your best friend
Carina Deluca-Bishop.
Ben's pov*
"What's wrong Ben" asked Vic once I got off the phone with my wife.
"That was my wife Andy brought Carina to the hospital due to overdose they don't know if she's going to make it " I explained trying not to break down and cry.
"No no no" said Vic as she broke down and cried.
"Come on let's go to Andy at the hospital Jack you can't come since it was probably your comments that put her there in the first place" said Travis as we all left to the hospital.
"Andy have they said anything" I asked as we ran to where Andy was sitting.
"No not yet guys" said Andy.
"So we just wait" asked Travis.
"In case you forgot we aren't doctors so yes we wait" said Andy.
"Hey guys I'm sorry" said Meredith as she walked up to us.
"Is she okay" asked Vic.
"Well" said Meredith as she looked at each one of us.