I stared back at myself in the bathroom mirror and sighed.
My eyes were bloodshot, and the dark purple circles under my eyes contrasted against my pale face—physical evidence of the sleepless night I'd had. I guess technically, I had slept, but it definitely had not been restful.
Since Voldemort had arrived at the manor, no amount of occluding had been able to keep the sound of his voice out of my head at night. But every time, without fail, Draco was there to wrap me up in his arms, pulling me just to the surface of consciousness to ward off the nightmares, and then soothe me back into a somewhat peaceful sleep—at least until the voice inevitably returned.
Last night, however, Draco hadn't been there to stop the nightmare from spiraling. I had known that our luck of him not being needed would eventually run out, and it finally had yesterday when he and Lucius had been called out late in the afternoon. Draco promised he would only be gone for one night, but I knew he couldn't ensure that. So if it looked like I'd be spending another night on my own, coffee spiked with Wideye Potion would be my nightcap.
I would do anything to prevent seeing the images that had played over and over in my head last night.
I was sitting at the table in the drawing room, surrounded by Death Eaters, as a body hovered over my head. But in my nightmare, it wasn't Charity Burbage.
It was Draco.
Then Narcissa.
Then Pansy. Blaise. Theo.
Their bodies would fall lifelessly to the table after being hit by Voldemort's curse, and then he would force me to watch his snake devour their corpses. Over and over.
There was a split second of relief at one point when Draco fell to the table—again—but he wasn't dead. At least until the snake started eating him alive. Then I was forced to watch the continuous loop of the people I loved being swallowed whole as well as listen to them scream and beg for death.
And there was nothing I could do. I was frozen, unable to move or make a sound. I couldn't even blink to spare myself a millisecond of the horrors I was having to watch.
The nightmare seemed to last all night as the sun streaming through the curtains is what finally woke me up. Though I was desperate for sleep, with Draco gone and the possibility of falling right back into that dream the second my eyes closed again, I'd had no interest in staying in bed.
Leaning over the sink, I splashed some cold water in my face, but when it did nothing to make me look or feel less like the walking dead, I decided caffeine was my only hope to be able to function today.
I called Tippy, and she told me that Narcissa and I were the only two in the manor this morning. With the Ministry coup having occurred only two days ago, it seemed all the Death Eaters were busy elsewhere—small mercies.
However, even with that knowledge, I briskly walked the short distance down the hall to the hidden door near Draco's room to get to the library and cast a—pointless—Homenum Revelio once inside.
I had slowly grown more paranoid each day since we'd arrived at Malfoy Manor, wondering when and how Katherine would make her move. Now, with exactly one week until my seventeenth birthday, I was hyper-aware of every sound and movement. Poor Tippy's eyes went round as saucers when she popped in a few minutes later with the tea I had asked for and was greeted with the business end of my wand.
Of course, I would feel more protected and less on edge if I just stayed in Draco's room, but I was on a mission that required the vast Malfoy library.
Last week when Theo was here, we were in the library, and I was telling him about the meeting and just the general atmosphere of the manor now that Voldemort and his Death Eaters were practically living here. Trying to make me feel better, Theo made a comment, saying what I should really be scared of are some of the things hidden in the Malfoy artifact room or stored right there in the library. I might have given a snarky reply about how that was not helpful at all, but it turned out it actually was because it had given me an idea.
The following day I was in the library bright and early with more hope than I'd had in months. In my many visits to this room, I had spotted some texts that I doubted I'd find even in the Restricted Section of the Hogwarts library. So, if I wanted some information on dark curses—such as blood maledictions—this would be the place to find it.
If I could find a way to break or suppress the curse before Katherine could somehow get me to trigger it, I could protect myself not just for the next week but for the rest of my life.
Sitting here now, surrounded by piles of books that ranged from not helpful to even less helpful, it was safe to say that my hope had waned a bit. Even with the amazing catalog system that allowed you to sort through books based on keywords they contained, blood curses were as unique as snowflakes, and I would have to know the exact spell that created mine to have any hope of counteracting it.
However, even if I had my ancestor's journal laying open in front of me right now, I wouldn't have been able to get through a single sentence before my mind was consumed yet again by the haunting remnant from my nightmare.
Draco's platinum hair was blood-stained and splayed on the wood as he laid unmoving in the center of the table, his eyes no longer shining silver, but a dull grey as they stared back at me imploringly, as if his last thought in death was, 'Why didn't you save me?'
I slammed the book in front of me shut and rubbed my eyes, trying to banish the scene, but it seemed burned into my vision like an afterimage.
Begrudgingly accepting that I wasn't going to get any reading done, I leaned back in my chair and waved a hand through the air, banishing the stacks of books to re-shelve themselves. It was a pain in the ass to have to pull them every day, but I couldn't risk anyone discovering what I'd been researching—especially not Katherine.
I rested my elbows on the now empty table and cradled my head in my hands. Finding a way to break the curse, or at the very least some sort of loophole had been my only hope of defense other than just hiding out in Draco's room until we left for school. With the former seeming like a long shot and the latter impractical, I had to think of something else.
—————
"Eleanor?"
I jumped and sat straight up, almost falling out of my chair as I reflexively reached for my wand.
"Oh goodness, I'm so sorry, dear. I didn't mean to startle you," Narcissa's voice registered right as I met her slightly concerned gaze.
I shook my head and swallowed as my pulse raced. "No, you didn't. I guess I must have just dozed off." I slid my arm off the table, attempting to surreptitiously wipe up the small puddle of drool as I went.
The corners of her mouth turned up into a sad smile—the only kind I ever saw on her these days—and she stroked a hand down my hair in such a tender, motherly gesture that I couldn't help leaning into her touch.
"Tippy said you have been in here all day and didn't eat lunch, so I thought I'd come and check on you and see if you wanted to have an early dinner?"
Dinner? Shit, I must have been passed out for hours. At least it'll be easier to stay awake tonight if Draco isn't back.
I nodded and stood to follow Narcissa as I mentally berated myself for leaving myself vulnerable for so long.
We walked the relatively short distance to the dining room, and then both froze in the doorway when we saw the two people sitting at the table.
"Oh," Narcissa said flatly. Clearly, this was just as much of an unpleasant surprise for her as it was for me. "Bella, Katherine. I wasn't expecting you both to be back so soon."
Bellatrix bared her broken and blackened teeth to form what she considered a smile. "We had a bit of luck and were able to come home early."
Katherine didn't say a word, just sat there with her eyes locked on me and a smug grin playing on her lips.
"Well, isn't that...great. I'll just have Tippy—"
"No need, Cissy," Bellatrix interrupted. "We already gave your elf the new orders for dinner."
Narcissa exhaled and gave a tight smile. "Wonderful. Let's have a seat, shall we?" She turned towards me with an apologetic look and motioned to the empty chairs across from her sister and my aunt.
As soon as we sat down, Tippy popped in and started filling our glasses with red wine, all the while keeping her head down and not making eye contact with anyone. I wouldn't be surprised if Bellatrix had been unnecessarily cruel when giving Tippy orders.
My glass was the last to be filled, and I didn't hesitate to take a big gulp as soon as Tippy disappeared. I wouldn't let myself get drunk, having already let my guard down once today, but I definitely needed a buzz to get through this dinner.
Bellatrix and Katherine began talking to Narcissa, but she only responded with a series of hummed acknowledgments as they blathered on. I ignored the conversation, hoping my disinterest would save me from being pulled in, but I swore they said some praise about the Dark Lord every other sentence.
Tippy reappeared a few minutes later with our first course—a summer squash soup—and topped off our glasses before making another sudden departure. I envied her for that ability right now.
I swirled my spoon around in the yellow soup—having lost my appetite due to the current company—and continued to sip my wine slowly to maintain my buzz. Unlike a plate of food, no matter how much I pushed the soup around, I couldn't create the illusion that I was eating, and it didn't go unnoticed.
"Eleanor, you haven't touched your soup. You're being a rude dinner guest," Katherine chastised.
I slowly rolled my eyes up to meet her gaze as she plastered on a smile and gave me a pointed glare. For a moment, I highly considered throwing the bowl across the table at her face, but I wouldn't insult Narcissa like that. Although I seriously doubted she would mind due to the look I could see her giving Katherine out of the corner of my eye.
I stared back, unblinking for a few moments longer, watching her smile melt into a scowl, then slowly lifted a spoonful to my lips as a string of curses ran through my head.
Seemingly appeased, Katherine's fake smile returned, but instead of turning back to her conversation with the other women, her attention remained on me. "Good girl. You'll need your strength."
I froze with my spoon halfway to my mouth and arched a brow at her. "For what?"
Her smile stretched impossibly wider across her face. "Your training, of course."
My face dropped, and my blood ran cold, but Katherine didn't seem to notice—or didn't care—because she just kept talking.
"You heard the Dark Lord; he is expecting your training to be completed soon. And we are on a bit of a time crunch, if you don't remember. Bellatrix has even volunteered to help. You've had your fun since we left New York, but it's time to get serious, Eleanor. You—"
There was a ringing in my ears that steadily grew louder until it completely drowned out her voice. I could see her lips moving but couldn't hear a word she was saying anymore as panic started flooding my system.
She was determined to make me trigger my curse, and I was defenseless against her. I should have been spending the last month preparing for this, relentlessly trying to find some way to prevent it or fight back, but instead, I got wrapped up in living the fantasy of having a family that cared about me.
The ringing had turned to a roaring in my ears as the edges of my vision started to go black. I was going to be sick.
My spoon suddenly fell out of my hand and back into the bowl with a loud clatter, splattering soup on the tablecloth and causing everything to fall silent.
"Are you alright, dear?" Narcissa asked quietly, gently laying her hand on my arm. "You're pale."
"May I be excused? I'm not feeling well," I said, trying to keep my voice from wavering. I was up and out of my seat as soon as Narcissa nodded her head, tossing my linen napkin on the table and leaving without another look at Katherine.
I thought once I was away from her, I would start to calm down, but as the seconds ticked by, it became harder and harder to breathe, and the tunnel vision started getting worse as I descended into a full-blown panic attack.
I just needed to get to Draco's room. Once I was through that barrier of protective enchantments, I would be able to get a hold of myself.
At least that's what I kept telling myself as I stumbled up the stairs and down the hallways, clutching my chest with one hand to prevent my heart from beating out of it and keeping the other planted on the wall to stay upright.
Draco's door was finally in sight, and as soon as I turned the handle, I fell over the threshold and straight down to my hands and knees. My arms started shaking, followed quickly by the rest of my body. Drawing in even the shallowest breath took every bit of effort I could muster, and a moment later, I crumbled to the floor, and everything went black.
—————
My head was throbbing, and the ringing in my ears was back. My eyelids fluttered as I tried to open them, feeling like they weighed a thousand pounds.
My vision was blurry, but the room was dark except for a soft glow far away. It finally registered that I was lying on the floor, and that's when I remembered passing out in Draco's room. The pain and dizziness made me wonder if I'd hit my head on the way down.
My limbs were heavy and uncooperative, but I managed to push myself up to my knees. The sudden shift made my head spin, and I leaned forward, bracing my hands on the ground to steady myself.
That's when I noticed the floor underneath me was rough, not smooth like the floor of Draco's room.
I raised my head, blinking hard, trying to pull everything into focus. About the time my vision cleared, apparently so did my hearing, because it wasn't ringing I was hearing; it was screaming.
I pulled myself to my feet and stumbled across the dimly lit stone room towards the only source of light, which illuminated four figures chained to the wall.
"You can't save them."
The voice echoed through the empty air, stopping me in my tracks and making me spin around so quickly my head swam.
A person stepped out from behind one of the stone columns and slowly made their way towards me. As they reached the edge of the bubble of light, I was able to see that it was a woman, and I instinctively pulled out my wand. She took a few more steps into the light, and I could see her dark brown hair and pale blue-grey eyes—just like mine.
"Mom?"
My vision was going in and out of focus, pulsing in time with my heartbeat. I rubbed my eyes, certain I was seeing things, but it didn't help because she was still there when I pulled my hands away.
"You can't save them," was all she said again after a few moments.
Before I could say a word, she sent a curse flying across the room, and even though I couldn't see clearly, I knew it had hit its mark by the renewed screaming that followed.
"Help us! Please!" Pansy begged between tortured cries of pain.
I made to move towards them, raising my wand simultaneously to send anything I could think of at them—protective enchantments, shield charms, even Relashio in an attempt to break the chains—but suddenly, I couldn't move.
I looked down, and a panicked scream slipped from my throat when I saw Voldemort's snake wrapped around my legs, its tail cutting off the circulation in my wand arm as it rendered it immobile.
"You can't ssssssave them," the snake hissed.
I squeezed my eyes shut as panic threatened to overtake me.
No, no, no. This isn't real. This can't be real.
I'm dreaming.
My eyes shot open at the realization.
"You're dead!" I suddenly blurted out to my mother.
She immediately stopped firing off curses and looked at me. The room was silent except for the pained moans and sobbing coming from my friends.
"You died months ago. You're not really here. This is just happening inside my head," I tried to say confidently, but the tremble in my voice betrayed my conviction.
"Well, if you're sure about that..." she said cooly.
In the next moment, a green bolt shot from her wand, and Theo went limp.
Blaise and Draco screamed, but Pansy's soul-shattering wail would have sent me to my knees if I had been able to move.
I squeezed my eyes shut as tears streamed down my face, and I shook my head.
It's not real. Wake up, Eleanor. Wake up!
"You can make all of this end right now." Katherine's voice floated unbidden through my head.
Another crack ripped through the air, and my eyes flew open involuntarily just in time to see Blaise's body go slack against the restraints.
I couldn't help the choked sob that escaped me as I started second-guessing myself.
"Seems pretty real to me," my mother commented as she stared down Pansy.
"No, don't—!"
But my plea was useless as a third killing curse sliced across the room, silencing Pansy.
I fisted my hands in my hair and let out a devastated cry. "Stop! Please stop!"
"You know what you have to do."
"Shut up! Shut. Up!" I screamed, squeezing my eyes shut so tightly as if it would push the disembodied voice out of my head.
Then I just kept screaming. When I screamed in my nightmares, I was usually screaming in my sleep as well, and someone would wake me up.
If I just kept screaming, someone would hear me.
I had to wake up. I had to. Because if this wasn't a dream...
"It seems she isn't going to help you." I hadn't realized my screams had trailed off into muffled sobs until I heard my mother speak again.
"Say 'bye-bye' to your little boyfriend." My eyes flew open at those words, and I watched as she slowly raised her wand at Draco.
His head hung limply in defeat, but he managed to raise his chin just enough to look at me, and when his gaze met mine, chaos erupted behind my eyes. My head was instantly flooded with every memory I had of Draco, like the jar made of silver mercury glass had been smashed to the ground, and its contents exploded forth.
His voice was an ominous rumble of thunder in an unrelenting storm, swirling around and sounding like it was coming from every direction. Words and laughter blended together to form a heart-wrenching harmony.
Thundercloud grey eyes flashed like lightning all around me. A thousand pairs of the eyes that could calm the storm within me with just one look were all watching me but were now filled with something that I had never seen directed at me before—betrayal. Staring into my soul, as if they were searching for some answer—
"Why didn't you save me?"
Those five words cut through all the noise like a blade, plunging right into my heart, and caused something inside me to break.
Every image of Draco suddenly vanished, and I was left staring at my mother, just as the words rolled off her tongue—
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Blinding green light filled the room once more, but it was more intense than ever, and my hand instinctively flew up to shield my eyes. When the lethal glow finally faded, my mother was staring back at me.
She just stood there for a moment, then a sorrowful look crossed her face, and she muttered, "Too late."
I watched as she swayed on her feet then collapsed to the floor, her wand skittering across the stone as mine remained firmly aimed at the spot where she had just drawn her last breath, the tip still faintly glowing green.
Too late? But—
Dread washed over me as I realized the only sound in the room I could hear was the thudding of my own heart, and I whipped my head around to find my worst nightmare realized.
Draco hung lifelessly against the wall, his body still slightly swaying from the force of my mother's curse that I had been too late to stop.
Suddenly it felt like someone had just driven a knife through my heart, and I dropped to my knees, clutching my chest against the searing pain.
It's over. The nightmare is over. Why am I not waking up...
But the pain in my chest was too real, too intense.
I had never felt as much pain and heartbreak as I had the day my parents died, but this—this was so much worse. It felt like my heart was literally being ripped apart.
Without warning, the pain intensified tenfold, and I fell to the floor, screaming in agony.
I was burning from the inside out. The pain radiated from my chest, the fire extending from the source and racing through my veins, scorching every last cell in its path, as every beat of my heart only served to fan the flames.
Just as I was beginning to accept the possibility that one of the killing curses had rebounded and hit me—and a slow, torturous death was my punishment—two figures stepped out of the darkness...and they were clapping.
"Well done, Eleanor!" Tears blurred my vision, but there was no mistaking the delighted look on Katherine's face. "All our hard work is paying off."
Her last words weren't directed at me but at Bellatrix, who was slinking out of the shadows.
"The Dark Lord will be pleased," she smiled back sickeningly.
"I'm in Draco's room... this isn't real... I need to wake up...." I laid there on the floor desperately muttering to myself between gasps of breath until a peal of screeching laughter cut me off.
"She still thinks she's asleep!" Bellatrix cackled in disbelief.
That hair-raising sound echoed through my head, bouncing off the walls of my skull until I was writhing on the ground, gripping my head and chest, silently begging any higher power in existence to make this stop.
"The elf might have slipped her too much," Katherine laughed under her breath before looking back at me. "Let me assure you, Eleanor, you are very much awake."
"No!" I shook my head aggressively, refusing to believe her. "This is just the two of you fucking with my head again! I know this isn't real because my mom is dead!" My voice shook as I clung to the last shred of evidence I had.
"You made sure of that, didn't you?" Bellatrix laughed again, roughly nudging my mother's body with her foot.
"Oh, Bella," Katherine chastised playfully, rolling her eyes before they landed back on me. "If I could, I would have resurrected your bitch of a mother so that you could kill her all over again. But, unfortunately, that's not possible, so I gave you the next best thing."
"No," I whispered, my mind whirring, desperately trying to come up with another explanation.
Grasping at straws, my eyes shot up to Bellatrix. "You... Draco... you wouldn't let your nephew die like that... you wouldn't do that to Narcissa."
Bellatrix had that psychotic look plastered on her face, and every one of her blackened teeth was on full display. "Just like this wasn't dear old mummy, that wasn't Draco. Take another look."
The tiniest sliver of hope that Draco wasn't dead propelled me up to sitting, even though I still felt like I had taken a blasting curse to the chest.
I looked across the room to where the four figures still hung motionless, but they all looked...different. And not a single one of them had Draco's white-blonde hair.
My attention quickly darted to my mother's body, and I jumped when I saw her skin bubbling. Then, curly, red hair slowly replaced the smooth, dark brown, and when the ripples ceased, I wasn't looking at the face that practically mirrored my own, but that of a woman who I had never seen in my life.
Before that could sink in, there was a commotion on the other side of the room, and suddenly torches lining the wall blazed to life, flooding the space with light.
I looked to where the sound had come from to see an open door, and when I saw who was rushing towards me, reality came crashing down around me.
If those bodies don't belong to my mother or Draco...
I slammed my eyes shut and shook my head against the awful conclusion that followed that thought. A moment later, I felt a body pressed to my side and familiar hands cupping my face, and a sob escaped my lips when I couldn't lie to myself any longer.
"What did you do to her?" Draco's voice was clear and dripping with fury.
"We simply helped her achieve her destiny," I could hear the smile in Katherine's voice, and it made me want to vomit.
"And we may have given her a little something to loosen her up a bit to help it along—" Bellatrix admitted, but whatever else she might have said was cut off by the sound of loud, deliberate footsteps.
"Bellatrix, it would be in your best interest to stop talking."
Lucius's voice was unmistakable even with my eyes closed, as was the female gasp that came from somewhere near him.
I curled in on myself further as another wave of shame and despair washed over me, knowing that Narcissa had seen the aftermath of what I had done.
The room was silent for a minute until Lucius spoke again. "Draco, take Eleanor upstairs." His tone brokered no argument, and in the next moment, I was lifted off the floor, tucked up under Draco's arm, and being led away.
I cracked open my eyes enough so I wouldn't trip over my own feet as we walked, but when I did, all I could see was my feet wading through a sea of dead bodies. I let out a choked sob, snapping my eyes shut and refusing to open them again as Draco's arm tightened around my shoulders and his pace quickened.
It could have been minutes or hours later when we finally stopped, and I heard a door shut behind us, but my eyes remained firmly shut.
"Eleanor, look at me," Draco held my face in his hands again, and I shook my head, unable to bear the look of disappointment and disgust that would surely rain down on me if I looked at him. "Please, Eleanor. You have to look at me. I need to see your eyes."
The desperation in his voice and the need to confirm that he really was alive and his body wasn't in that dark room growing colder by the second is what made me almost involuntarily lift my head and meet his gaze.
His eyes bounced back and forth between mine for a moment before he ground his teeth together. "Your pupils are dilated. Did you happen to see what they gave you? Color, smell, anything?"
I shook my head, then remembered, "Katherine said something like "the elf slipped her too much." Maybe—"
"Tippy!" Draco yelled immediately.
A split second later, the house elf popped into view, looking distressed as she tugged at her ears.
The sight of her whimpering with tears rolling down her face made Draco pause, and Tippy took the opportunity to speak first.
"Tippy never wanted to harm Miss Blaylock. Mrs. Lestrange made Tippy grind up the berries and flowers and put them in Miss Blaylock's dinner. Tippy didn't have a choice. Tippy lives to serve the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black." Her loyal words contrasted with the sobs that tore from her tiny chest.
"What did you give Eleanor, Tippy?"
Draco's barely restrained rage sobered the little elf, and she reached into the pocket of her dress and handed something to Draco.
It only took a moment's glance at the dull purple flower and shiny, black berry laying in his palm to recognize what I had been poisoned with.
"Belladonna," Draco practically growled as he crushed the plant in his fist, incinerating it until all that was left was a tiny wisp of smoke.
He barked an order at Tippy to fetch an antidote, giving her specific instructions on where and what to look for in his lab.
I didn't realize I was clenching and unclenching my fists until they felt odd, and when I looked down at them, I gasped in horror to find they were covered in blood.
Panicking, I frantically wiped my palms down my shirt and pants, smearing blood everywhere, but no matter how much I wiped off, my hands remained stained red.
Draco grabbed my wrists to stop me, but I fought against his grasp, falling into hysterics as the blood ever so slowly trickled down, threatening to cover Draco's hands as well. I couldn't let it touch Draco. I couldn't let it stain him too.
"Eleanor, stop! You're ok! It's—here, here, take this."
To my relief, he released my hands, but it was short-lived as he used one free hand to cup the back of my neck and the other to tip a vial to my lips. Before I could second-guess what had just been put in my mouth and spit it out, Draco clamped his hand over my lips, forcing me to swallow.
Almost instantaneously, my vision began to clear as the cloudiness around the edges receded, and everything was steady, no longer pulsing in time with my heartbeat.
I snatched Draco's hands, needing to get any blood off of them as quickly as possible, only to find they were somehow untouched. What was even more surprising was that my hands latched onto his were clean as well.
"The blood—?"
"There wasn't any blood, see?" Draco flipped my hands over in his palms a couple of times before showing me his. "You were hallucinating from the Belladonna. It wasn't real."
Those three words made my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. I looked up at Draco as tears welled up in my eyes, and I nodded my head.
"But— it was real."
As the antidote worked through me, my mind automatically began sorting tonight's events into 'real' and 'not real' piles. Draco didn't hesitate to wrap me in his arms, and not a moment too soon because as the 'real' pile continued to grow, the weight of it became too much, and my legs gave out from under me.
Draco sank to the floor with me, holding me as I sobbed into his chest as the gravity of the situation threatened to crush me entirely.
I killed that woman.
I triggered my curse.
Katherine had won.