Asa
Our game goes good, we sweep the floor with the other team.
We are supposed to be headed back tonight but I couldn't fight the feeling that there was a reason we had a game here. That it was telling me I had to check in with my mom.
I had been texting Percy through it all and she encouraged me to do what I felt was best for myself. That no matter what she would be in my corner which brought me some relief.
She also told me if I needed Coach to stay here with me he would but I didn't want to have to rely on him.
"You sure you want to do this man?" Ridge asks me as he packs his stuff up. I nod as I put on a grey tee shirt.
No matter what I need this closure with my mom. One thing I've learned being with Percy is that I can't blame myself for her actions.
She didn't want to leave and while I wished she would've I couldn't stop her from staying. We all have to make decisions in life and she chose her abuser over her son, over a better future.
I can't understand how hard it must be to leave someone like that but I wish she would've if not for me then for herself.
"I can stay back If you need me to." He tells me but once again I find myself shaking my head.
I want, no, need to do this on my own.
"You sure?" He asks and this time I say, "yes." Instead of just nodding.
Ridge sighs, "I don't like this Brookes."
I shrug, "You don't have to like it, doesn't mean I'm not going to do it anyways."
"Just don't get too caught up in whatever she says, aight?"
He claps me on the shoulder before heading out, leaving me alone to think about how this is going to go.
I pull a Percy and order an uber to my moms and step dads house.
While waiting outside I watch as the guys filter into the bus that'll take them back home. Coach is the last one out of the building and when he sees me standing there he pauses.
Oh great.
"I heard you're going to see your mom Brookes." He says and I nod.
He sighs, "Seph tell you about what her and I talked about a while back?" I shake my head no.
All I knew was whatever they talked about had Percy seeing him in a new light but she wouldn't betray her dads trust by telling me what they talked about.
"Let's just say we have more in common that I would like." He grimaces, "Just because they're blood doesn't make them family, got it?" I nod.
I think my head might fall off because of all the nodding I'm doing today.
He squeezes my shoulder before heading towards the bus and I watch as it drives away, a moment later the uber pulls ups and I get inside.
The minutes tick by the closer we get to the house and the more antsy I feel.
If they still follow the same routine they have for years I know my step dad is at work and my mom is at home.
I don't think there was ever a point in my life where she kept and held a steady job and being honest I don't see that changing either.
Sure enough when we pull up outside her blue Volkswagen is outside and his ford truck isn't.
I thank the driver and get out, heading straight towards the front door.
I knock on the door and wait a breath before it swings open and my mom appears on the other side.
She seems skinnier than before, more frail and she's aged considerably. The bags under her eyes are darker and her hair is more gray than its natural reddish brown.
Her eyes, the exact hazel of mine, flick up to my face and they widen.
"What are you doing here Asa?" She asks and I swallow the lump in my throat.
When I packed my bags and never looked back I never saw myself being in this position again. I figured I left it all behind me and I guess she assumed that to.
"Can I come in?" I ask and she pauses before moving back and letting me through.
The house is just as I remember it, down to the newspaper on the coffee table.
"You haven't been here in over two years, why come back now?" She asks and I turn to face her.
She's not looking at me like she's happy to see me, quite the opposite actually. She seems like she wants me far away from this house, from her.
"I played a game out here and wanted to come see you." I tell her the truth.
I don't, however, tell her the guilt I've felt for leaving her here.
She sighs, "But why? I mean since you've walked away you haven't even give us any thought, not even a phone call to check in."
I wince at her words which are the truth. I dialed her number multiple times but I never hit the call button, something always stopped me.
"I have, I mean I've thought about you." I say, "I missed you everyday." Another truth.
She just shrugs, "So what? I miss a lot of things too."
Her nonchalant bored attitude is starting to grate on me. Why isn't she happy to see her own son? The one who begged her to leave with him and start over in a new place.
"I didn't want to leave you mom, you know that." I groan, "So please don't act like I left you in the wind, you had a choice to come with me. I wanted you to come with me."
She scoffs, "No, the moment you could leave you did, just like your father. You both saw your opportunities to leave me and without a second thought you did."
"Don't compare me to him." I say and she laughs dryly, "You're just like your father you know that? I knew it the moment you starting showing interest in his sport it was too late, you would follow down his path."
"That is not true, I would never abandon my wife or my kids for a sport." The thought jars me but it's the honest to God truth. It's the unforgivable thing my dad did and then I did an unforgivable thing by making him stay gone.
"You know dad tried to help you. After that incident that landed you in the hospital he came back for us."
She scoffs, "Oh I know about that. Jessie always trying to play hero. He came to me but I sent him away, told him if he ever came near me or you again I would let the world know what a piece of shit he was."
That takes me back. "It was you that sent him away?"
This whole time I thought it was me that made him leave from that hospital and never return. I've felt guilt for taking moms option of freedom away and this whole time it was her threat?
"I warned him when he was packing his shit that if he actually left he would never be allowed to see you again but he didn't listen, he showed up at that hospital and I had to get rid of him Asa don't you see that?"
I shake my head, "No, mom, I don't. He was going to get us out of that situation, we could've been happy with him."
"No we couldn't, baby. Your dad was going to ruin it again and I thought keeping you away from him would help you grow up to be nothing like him but then you left me. You got a scholarship because of that damned sport and you left me."
A dry smile takes over her face, "That's what your dad was good at Asa and you're the same. Always leaving when things get tough instead of just sucking it up and battling the storm."
She runs a hand through her thing hair, "You know at night I pray you never fall in love. That you never trap a poor girl the same way your dad trapped me. Trapped me in a loveless marriage only to leave when things got a bit rough."
Her words hit home. The fears I've had coming to light.
My mom really sat there a prayed I never fell in love?
"Well your God didn't listen because I met a girl. Someone special and someone who loves me for me." I admit and I watch horror sweep over her features.
Then she mutters three broken words, "That poor girl."
Her words gut me. Does she really see me like my father?
"Put the girl out of her misery and end things before it's too late." She pleads.
I shake my head as her words continue to pierce my insides.
I can't be here.
I start to back up and head towards the door when her calling my name stops me.
"Oh and Asa?" She asks and I turn my head, "Don't come back here again."
And with that I leave my mom for the last time. But I don't leave the past. It follows me back home and when Percy texts me I can't respond.
I can't do anything but replay my moms words in my head.
At night I pray you never fall in love.
I think those words killed me a little.