Getting ready for this date Trina set me up on has had my head spinning in circles. I'm pretty sure my entire closet is on the floor, and the funny thing is, I don't even really care what I wear. I'm not in the mindset to impress some guy that Trina felt was attractive enough to get me back in the game. With a sigh, I grab the closest dress and throw it on before twisting my hair back in its usual braid.
I feel like some hopeless project. Like she saw this opportunity to relive her glory days through my eyes and seized it without my permission. I mean, I'm not completely mad. Do I want to be going out with a guy I don't know a single thing about? No. Am I slightly interested in seeing if I can develop a connection with another man again? Yes.
My thoughts quickly shift to Tommy. They've been doing that a lot lately. Walking with him, talking with him, has become something more lately. It's more than just a good talk with a friend. I look forward to his advice, comfort, the way he listens even when I'm not talking. Somehow, he's become the only person I actually want to share everything with. Even the dark corners of my past.
Mia appears behind me now, her eyes glancing at the clothes scattered across the floor.
"What happened, Mommy?" she asks, eyes wide.
I smile before walking over and scooping her up. "I had a little trouble finding what I needed."
"You have a lot of cleaning to do," she says, scanning the floor one more time before looking back at me.
I laugh at her words, knowing I've given the same ones to her. "I sure do. Are you ready to go to Uncle Trey's?"
"Yes! I have my packpack and my animal, and I'm so excited! Auntie Lacy said we could paint the floor!"
My heart warms at her pure excitement. Not to mention my favorite word change of calling a backpack a packpack. The whole Auntie Lacy thing is a newer development too. One that Mia asked about. With both Trevor and Lacy's consent, it's now an official thing.
"Paint the floor, huh?" I ask with a whimsical smile.
"Yep! She said she has a very special project and we get to paint the floor outside."
Sounds like a Lacy idea. I can only imagine the delightful mess they are about to create. I reach down to grab Mia's overnight bag by the door. My parents are out for the night, leaving me without a car. I glance to the driveway where Lacy and Trevor are now pulling up.
"Well, that sounds like you're about to have a lot more fun tonight than me," I reply, stepping out the front door.
"I am," she smiles before wiggling out of my arms and jumping to the ground. She takes off toward the car just in time for my brother to swing it open. He bends down, scooping her up into his arms.
"Hey, kiddo. You ready to spend the night?"
"Uh huh!"
I smile when I feel my phone vibrate. I reach into my pocket, pulling it out to see Trina's name displayed.
Trina: No mom bra tonight!
I roll my eyes at her comment, trying my best to hide the smile pulling at my lips.
Amber: I don't even own a mom bra
Trina: We all have mom bras. Leave yours at home and grab the lace, girl
She is seriously killing me. I know her whole theory behind what I need tonight, but I am really not planning to throw myself desperately at the first male that I meet for dinner.
Amber: No one is going to see it anyway
Trina: Always be prepared...you do have condoms right?
Nope. Not a chance I will be needing them. She's lucky I even shaved my legs.
Amber: Bye Trina. Call you later!
Trina: Just trying to keep you safe. You should be thanking me
Yeah, we'll see how tonight goes, but as of right now, I don't know if a thank you will be heading her way. I am already regretting saying yes to this and I haven't even met the guy yet.
After dropping Trevor and Mia off at his house, Lacy and I make our way to the restaurant. I really need to get a car. Add that to the list of things to purchase with my new second income. At least that's one thing I can thank Trina for. I've only had a few shifts, but she wasn't lying about the amazing tips.
"So, you're really going on a date, huh?" Lacy asks, breaking the silence.
"Yeah, do you think it's too soon?" I question, rubbing my hands down my legs.
She shrugs her shoulders, glancing at me briefly before looking back at the road. "I think you can date whenever you feel you're ready. I don't think there's any magical set amount of time to say it's okay to see someone else. Hell, if you wanted to date the very next day after leaving your husband, I sure as heck wouldn't have stood in your way."
I can't help but laugh at her statement. I definitely wouldn't have been able to date that soon. Not because I was still hung up on him, but I just had too much damage to overcome. I've needed to find my strength again, something I'm still working on.
"So, why do I sense some hesitance from you?" I question her words. She's telling me to date whenever I feel ready, yet she's holding something back.
"I don't know. I guess I just thought that when you were ready...I don't know, do you even know anything about this guy?"
I know she's still withholding, but I choose to ignore it for the moment. Instead, I let out a sigh. "No. My friend Trina set this up. If I'm being honest, I don't even know if I'm ready. I mean, I..." I try to think of the words to explain exactly what's going through my head. I know I'm over Vince, at least romantically. I know that I'm craving that gentle, passionate touch from a man again. The problem is, going out with some random guy I know nothing about just doesn't feel right.
"My friend thinks I just need to get laid," I blurt out, trying to add some type of sense to whatever the hell it is I'm doing right now. "She believes that once I can have my mind blown, I'll magically be healed."
Lacy laughs, shaking her head. Maybe that was an over share? She quickly speaks up, sensing my sudden embarrassment.
"I gave that same advice to a friend once," she's quiet for a moment, probably thinking about her friend. "I also tried to convince her to go after the completely wrong guy, even if it was just for sex." She pauses again, letting the memories fall over her.
I give her the moment and settle in my seat just long enough to see her pulling herself back. Once I feel like she has had enough time to pull herself from memory lane, I ask, "So...did she do it? Did it help?"
She laughs again, shaking her head. "Thankfully, no she didn't. She was still hung up on the very guy I was trying to get her to move on from. Different scenario though. That guy was her soulmate. They just needed a little nudge," she smiles, looking at me.
I can't help but roll my eyes at her comment. If she could just say what she needs to say and stop beating around the bush it would be great. "Why do I get the feeling you're trying to tell me something?"
"Who me?" she questions like I just accused her of a crime. "Look, I'm just saying, if you think you're ready to date, like really date, then maybe the person you should be out with tonight isn't someone that your friend found online. Now, if all you really want tonight is some good mind blowing sex, then by all means, go have some fun."
"Lacy, just spit it out. What are you actually trying to say?"
She just shakes her head, stifling a laugh. I feel like I'm missing something blatantly obvious and it's driving me crazy.
"I've said all I needed to. You'll figure the rest out soon enough," she smirks.
I let out a frustrated sigh before stepping out of the car and reminding her to keep her phone close. She's my ride and my way out if this goes terribly wrong.
I pause for a moment, looking at the restaurant we agreed to meet at. He said he'd be wearing a blue polo. I don't know if I'm looking for a light sky blue or a deep Tommy blue. Shit. I've been spending a lot of time with him, and lately, he keeps finding ways to casually drop into my thoughts. Apparently I'm freaking correlating colors to his eyes now.
I can't help but flash back to everything Lacy said in the car. She pictured me being here with someone else, someone I didn't meet online. Is that who she meant? She thinks I should be here with Tommy? But we're friends. He's there for me when I need someone to talk to, someone to listen. He knows how to calm and comfort me. I enjoy being around him. That's all it is though, friendship. Right?
His words dance across my memory, But in case you haven't noticed, I'm not interested in the general population of women, Amber. Those words have continued to twirl through my thoughts. I've played them back a million times, trying to dissect their exact meaning. I know what I can make them mean. I know what I can allow myself to believe he meant by it. But going there, letting myself imagine the possibility of his suggestion, that's a dangerous place to go. One that would have me moving in a direction that I don't know if I'm ready to go. Even though I'm on this date, waiting for some stranger to show up, this is different. This is innocent. Nothing about the thoughts I have had lately about Tommy are innocent. But maybe that fact right there is the real reason I shouldn't be on this date right now. Not that I'm not ready but that I'm with the wrong person.
"Amber?"
I jump at the sudden acknowledgement of my name. I guess it's too late to bail now. I take a breath before turning to see a light blue polo, not a Tommy blue. My eyes flash up to meet the man in front of me, though I can't help but feel like boy is more suitable to describe the baby face looking back at me. I mean, does he even have to shave? I'm not trying to degrade him in any way, but I suddenly feel very uncomfortable.
"Yes," I finally manage to answer, reminding myself that he doesn't know if I'm actually the person he's looking for. Although, I'm not entirely sure he's the right person either. I slowly reach out to shake his hand, deciding to make sure I have the right guy. "Paul, I take it?"
He smiles, making it appear that he is indeed the guy I'm supposed to be spending my evening with.
"Paul Jones," he corrects.
I smile, trying to convince myself that maybe he just has one of those young faces. I mean, age is just a number anyway, right? It's just, when you're technically still married, and you have a kid, age and maturity carry a lot more weight.
"Nice to meet you, Paul," I smile kindly, trying my best to stay optimistic.
"Paul Jones," he says again. "My friends actually call me by the whole name. Paul Jones."
My eyes widen without my consent. Did he seriously just say that? "Are you saying I should call you Paul Jones?" I try to clarify, waiting for the joke to drop.
"Well, I used to go by PJ, but when I entered college it just seemed a bit juvenile."
And Paul Jones is any better?
"So then it became Paul Jones," he shrugs with a proud grin.
I slowly nod my head, trying to make sense of what the hell is actually happening, without being rude. "Paul wasn't enough for you?"
"Nah, Paul's too boring. I wanted something a bit more exciting," his head bobs up and down with unwarranted confidence. "How about you? Any nicknames?" he questions, leaning his elbows on the table.
"No," I shake my head. It's in this moment that Tommy and his many Top Gun personas pop into my head. Every time he takes on a new trait, I can't help but call it out. The thought has a small smile pulling at my lips.
"Well, what's your last name? Maybe I can help you out," Paul Jones jumps in, tearing away those blue eyes from my thoughts.
"I think I'm good," I shake my head with a smile.
"Really? Just Amber, huh?" he questions, as if my name is boring him.
"Just Amber," I reply with a small smile.
"Alright Just Amber."
Wow, he just did that.
"What is it you do for fun?"
Okay, moving on to a little more real topics. Maybe we can put the name debacle behind us and make some type of connection. I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear before beginning my answer, "I like to surf,"
"No shit?" he interrupts me immediately. My mouth is actually still open ready to share my next thought, one that I'm not given a chance to do. "You don't strike me as the surfer chick type."
I pull my head back, trying to make sense of what exactly that means. "Oh no? And what type is a surfer chick?"
He laughs, pulling his arms from the table and resting them behind his head. "I meant that as a compliment. You're smoking hot."
Is this seriously happening right now? "So female surfers can't be attractive?"
He drops his hands, shaking his head with a mocking laugh. "That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying you seem so put together."
My eyebrows jet up. I don't even have words to respond right now.
He laughs again before leaning forward, placing his hands flat on the table now. "Just, take the compliment for what it is," he winks.
I don't think it is one, actually. "What is it that you do for fun?" I ask, trying my best to stay positive and turn the tables back on him, though I have a feeling I don't really want to know.
"My buddies and I hit the beach a lot, party on campus quite a bit,"
The water I just began to drink nearly sprays from my mouth. "Campus?"
"Yeah, where I go to school," he shrugs like it's obvious.
"I'm sorry, how old are you?" I question as all of his comments and boyish appearance begin to make sense.
"I'm twenty-two," he responds. Age is just a number, I try to remind myself.
"Actually, there's a pretty sick party tonight, you down?"
Nope, I'm done. I know the so-called purpose of this date, I know I'm supposed to allow myself to just have a good, no strings attached kind of night, but I cannot do this.
"I have a kid, and the sitter can't stay long," I blurt out. I know Trina meant well with this set up, but I really can't do this. I knew that before I even came here. I guess I just hoped it would play out differently. That maybe I still had it in me to navigate the male species. Apparently not.
His eyes go wide. "Like, you're a mom?"
"Yep. Is that a problem?" It honestly never even crossed my mind that he didn't know this about me. I thought Trina would have made that clear on my profile. I guess her and I have very different views of dating.
"Uh, no. I um..."
"Don't worry about it," I quickly say, letting him off the hook. "I think you and I are in completely different places right now. No need to try to force anything."
He slowly nods his head. "I mean, I meant what I said. You really are hot, especially for a mom."
I'm not even going to respond to that comment. "You enjoy your party," I smile before pushing my chair back and bolting from the restaurant. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Okay, I do know. I needed to feel normal again, to feel desired. But that, whatever that was, wasn't what I needed.
What I need is someone to take the time to get to know me, understand me. Someone who sees the damage that's been inflicted and work to heal it alongside me. Someone who is willing to see what's beneath the surface and values who I truly am, even when I worry I might have lost that person for good.
I look up at the stars now scattering the night sky. I wish it were Sunday. That very thought swims across my chest, settling across my vision until those blue eyes are looking back at me.
I take a deep breath, pushing him from my mind again, ignoring the fact that he has continued to invade my thoughts this whole night, that I had a brief moment of wishing it were him meeting me at this restaurant tonight. I shake my head, pushing away the confused thoughts swirling around and pick up my phone to call Lacy.
"Hey!" she answers, and I can hear Mia laughing in the background, followed by Trevor's.
There's a smile on my face now, one that I really needed.
"Hey, I need you to pick me up."
"What, you need me to pick you up already?" she repeats back to me.
I let out another sigh, slightly embarrassed by my epic failure. "Yes. This whole thing was a disaster."
"The date was horrible?" she repeats back again, this time a little louder.
"Yes. Why do you keep repeating everything I say?"
"No reason. Look, we just started a project with Mia," she says now, a little quieter than before.
"Okay," I hesitate. "Can you send my brother then?"
"He's busy too," she quickly responds. I'm about to tell her not to worry about it, that I'll call for a ride when she jumps in. "But don't worry, I have a ride for you."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means," she begins. "Mia is already set to spend the night and you now have it to yourself. So, enjoy it," I can hear her conniving smile through the phone. She's been hinting at things this whole night and now I suddenly feel like a pawn in whatever game she's playing.
"I'm still confused," I try to clarify. "Who's picking me up?"
"You can thank me later. Have a good night!" she says way too cheery before hanging up the phone.
I pull it from my ear, staring at the blank screen. Great. What am I supposed to do with that? And who the hell did she send to pick me up?