"Harry! I'm so happy to see you sign up to be the editor, what made you change your mind?" being emotionally manipulated by my mother basically. It's still way too early to be speaking to my gung-ho English teacher, she's definitely the shove-it-in-your-face type of bubbly, I'm kind of sick of her trying to get me to 'come out of my shell' I will die in this shell if I have to.
"Umm just wanted to try it " that lie is so terrible only a teacher would believe it, they eat stuff like this up. It's the first day of school and I've seen enough first days to know that people are going to pretend to be all excited and want to turn over a new leaf but everything will only stay the same, what can you even expect?
"Well, whatever made you change your mind, we're happy to have you on our team, you're going to have a lot of fun with the rest of the council, come over to the student council room after classes end okay" how can she say things like this with a straight face, it's like she's reciting the generic teacher guide-books, oof she's a real pain.
"I need to get to class miss" I smiled awkwardly and left, I went and sat down in the designated corner of my new classroom, so this is where I'm going to spend the next year, I don't hate school anymore, I can't bear being so resentful, it's exhausting, I'm just indifferent now, maybe that's a good thing. I knew all the kids who were slowly filling up the classroom, well I guess I only know them a bit, they're mostly the same. I used to play football with most of the boys in middle school, I knew their names, I guess I could strike up a conversation with them if I wanted to. I used to 'go out' with one of the girls in class, we even kissed and held hands, she's pretty popular still, she sits in the front now and laughs and talks to her friends, she's wearing her blonde hair differently nowadays, I don't think I like blondes very much, I remember the kisses were wet and a little bit gross. I kind of just drifted apart from everybody, I don't hate anyone and no one hates me. So everything is the same huh, I anticipated this but I'm not really sure whether I'm relieved or disappointed. It'll be okay as long as things are the same because it's familiar, my heart still twisted, I hate familiarity.
The day went by just as I expected, nothing really interesting happened, all the teachers just introduced themselves even though everyone pretty much already knew each other. By lunch the novelty of the first day wore off, I did get a text from a friend which was nice, I probably shouldn't say 'a friend' like I have more than one. I'll have to come back here tomorrow too, even the thought of doing the same thing every day makes me want to throw up, but what choice do I have, this is how humans are supposed to live I guess. Classes finally ended, I dragged my feet to the student council room, it's one of those rooms that you know exist but never pay attention to because it's so inconspicuous. On my way, I noticed the same boy I saw at the party, so he goes to the same school as me, that's nice I guess, well it doesn't exactly matter either. He had a few kids basically flocking around him, everyone was looking at him like he was something special, he probably is, I couldn't help but notice how lovely he looks, ignoring the desire to look for a bit longer I make my way into the student council room. The door looked ordinary, kind of dirty actually, if we were younger, there would probably be a rumour of the room being haunted. Those used to be fun.
"Ah! You must be the new kid" Someone called out from behind me, I turned around to find another boy beaming at me, I recognized him although I had never spoken to him, he was another one of the 'too nice for their own good' type, he was also the football team's captain, a total golden boy, this is ticking me off.
"Oh umm yeah"
"I'm Liam Payne, I'll be the student council president this term" He offered me his hand to shake, ugh I really don't wanna.
"I'm Harry" I mumbled, awkwardly shaking his hand, this interaction is taking years off my life.
"You'll be the editor right?" He entered the room, I followed after him, the room smelt like old books, it was cluttered and tiny with 4 old desks pushed together in the centre, it looked just like I had expected. There was another boy in the corner curled up on what looked like an old couch, it was pretty much falling apart, he didn't acknowledge us.
"Umm yes" I replied, he seemed to know what he was doing, he set his bag down and took a seat, I feel like anything I do in this situation will be a mistake. Stop being weird Harry goddamn.
"That's Zayn, he's the secretary" Liam pointed to him.
"Shut up Liam" he replied. Liam just sighed and took a seat in one of the empty chairs, both of them seemed to know what they're doing, I feel painfully out of place.
"Aren't you going to sit?" This is the worst, I want to leave, they can see everything, I sat down on one of the seats even though it was dusty, I don't think I can handle the awkwardness of having to dust off my seat. I'm so pathetic, my legs were shaking underneath the table, I feel like everything I had ever eaten was rising into my throat desperate to be let out. Time feels like jelly, I'm not really sure what that means but this minute feels like an eternity, neither of us are saying anything, the more time that passes the worse it gets. It hasn't even been that long. This whole thing is a huge mistake. Zayn was now sitting up and rubbing his eyes, I hadn't really noticed him before, then again I am the token socially anxious character so I wouldn't exactly know too many people.
"Where's Louis" Zayn finally broke the silence. My hands were beginning to shake violently, what's wrong with me, nothing is even happening.
"I need to leave" I said way too loud, I quickly got out of my seat.
"Wai-" I was already out the door and was now basically running down the halls, well it's not unexpected but an anxiety attack on my first day of school is a new low. My legs didn't stop sprinting until I was at the school gate, I collapsed onto the ground, my chest hurt and so did my legs and I could still feel the aftershocks of the anxiety. Whenever I think I've hit rock bottom, I always seem to find myself even lower a few days later.
"Harry?" I looked up to find a honda civic in possibly the worst shape I had ever seen a car in.
"Niall! Just the person I wanted to see" He's the aforementioned only friend I have.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm at the top of the world, do I not look like I am?" I say as I'm still curled up on the ground in a heap of regret and cramping muscles.
"Just get in" he sighs, I comply with him partly because I'm too exhausted to do anything else. His car always had a very specific smell. "Where is your bag by the way?" He asked whilst starting the car. Reality really is such a slap in the face I must have left my bag back in the council room, when it rains it pours huh.
"It's fine" I lied, just the thought of going back there is making my skin crawl, I would rather spend a night without my stuff, it's not like there was anything important in there anyway.
"How was student council?" Niall asked
"Nothing really happened" excluding the crippling anxiety its not exactly a lie. Neither of us really said anything the ride back, me and Niall had been friends for as long as I could remember, apparently we used to take baths together but that's a memory I'm glad I forgot. I think our friendship has more to do with the fact that we grew up together rather than us being actually compatible but I don't really mind, he's a good friend to me, I'm not really sure why he sticks around though, he's quite popular himself I don't think hanging around a social outcast helps with that but its best not to think about it.
"Wanna drive around for a while?" he offered
"Why not?" We did this most times we hung out, this or playing video games, I guess you kind of run out of new things to say to each other when you've known each other this long, sometimes I worry about it but when me and Niall are together it never comes up. He lives down the street from me and we've spent an alarmingly long time together so I think the awkwardness has pretty much worn off if it ever existed. We could spend hours together without saying a word, that's just how it is I guess, he was a pretty good friend and the fact that he has a car albeit a pretty shit one does help, he loves the car like his own child, I wish I could be more like him.
"The football captain is the president" I mumbled resting my head against the window.
"I know! It's ridiculous, he already has his hands full with the football team and now he wants to be president?!!" He gets pretty passionate when it comes to football, Niall is on the team but I don't really know anything about football to even know what position he plays, I don't think I have ever sat through a match from beginning to end. "Did you meet the adviser yet?"
"Not that I know of"
"He's supposed to be pretty fucked up" we should get along just fine then.
"Why?"
"Well I only know rumours about him, apparently he's an ex-convict"
"Please don't tell me you would believe something like that"
"I don't" Niall broke out into his usual himbo grin "but he used to be on the football team, it seems he jumped out of the car and broke his leg" he sounded more serious this time.
"I highly doubt that" I mumbled resting my head on the window, we continued driving down the exact same streets we had been seeing all our lives, I could recognise every single driveway and tree, just the thought of spending every single day doing the exact same things I always have makes me want to shriek, how could anyone ever say being alive is a blessing? I just don't understand how humans have made things so fucked up. I can't imagine being happy anywhere else either so maybe I am the problem, I should stop cursing my home and the people around me then but I can't seem to stop.
"Wanna come over to mine?" Niall offered pulling up at my driveway.
"No, I think I'll just go home tonight" he probably wants to hang out with his other friends anyway, I stood at my door step, I could smell my mother cooking inside, I hate it when she does this, why does she try so hard to be a family I think it's already been established that we aren't capable of it. I've never really liked my house, it's a pretty big house, probably someone else's suburban dream, it has a picket white fence and a slanted roof, its a perfect house but it never felt like home to me, just somewhere to end my day at.
"I'm back" I finally stepped in, the insides of my house were just as perfect as the outside, the walls were white with overhead lighting, the floors were wooden, it was always somehow cold, when I was younger I used to wish my house was smaller like my classmate's. I thought that if my house was smaller maybe my family would have been closer, a smaller house couldn't have helped us though.
"Come and eat Harry" my mother called out from inside the kitchen, I found her reading at the dining table which had been perfectly set even though we barely ever ate together. This had fallen into my routine by now. She always reads to distract herself.
"I already ate with Niall"
"Okay, I'll just keep it in the fridge then" sometimes I wish she didn't believe me, but it's my fault for always being untruthful.
"Oh by the way one of your friends dropped by and returned your schoolbag"
"Friends?"
"He said his name was Louis, you don't know him?"
"Not exactly"