Been wayyyy too long, hope I haven't lost you guys. Just had finals and stuff and then I got ill in between, it has not been a great two weeks for me…though I hope you guys have had a great two weeks! ^^ Btw this chapter was written in instalments, so please let me know if something doesn't sound right. Oh! And btw, the finals thing is purely coincidental, I didn't know I had finals (new school).
Anyway on to the story shall we~
Quick Recap: Alex's mother was being a bitch and the last chapter ended with the mother suggesting an arranged marriage~~~
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That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.
Chapter Twenty Eight
I stood up abruptly, tears springing to my eyes again, "No." My voice was firm with hints of my anger seeping through.
My mother pursed her lips, "I will, it's only a matter of time. I'm so close to getting Mr. Winston to agree."
I couldn't believe her, I couldn't believe how she, my mother, could sit there and not bat an eye at my distress. For a split angry moment, every cell in my body detested her but that was it, I may not like her but she was still my mother.
To think being an only child would make you spoiled rotten, to make your parents turn a blind eye to all your flaws and insist on you being the best creature on the planet. But that was only in the beginning, it slowly ebbed away and I was shunted aside, like a liability.
I never let anger ever seize my heart, never let it consume me completely, I only felt hurt and wrong like I was the one at fault, I didn't ever have an ill thought toward my mother, until now.
"I won't - I won't let you dictate my life anymore, you and father both, I won't be married off and I won't be ignored. I won't become a doctor, I don't want to, in fact do you even know what I wish to become? It doesn't matter because right now - right now I want to be anything but me, a spirit or a ghost or simply nonexistent because everything and everyone in my life either step on me, use me or lie to me but you know what? You don't care and I don't anymore, so, so please excuse me" I ended and turned to leave not forgetting my manners, anger may take over but I won't let disrespect consume me too.
"Always so amazingly rebellious Alexa, I'm very disappointed."
Or so I thought.
I stopped in disbelief and rage, "I don't - you - DO YOU THINK I GIVE A - I'VE NEVER- YOU-!" unable to come up with a proper insult I stopped, gritted my teeth and barreled out the door of her stupid office.
I was crying but my tears were more out of anger than anything. I had the strong urge to break something, to hurt something, anything.
I shut myself in my room, my tears blinding me in my frantic search for something sharp, something that can cause pain, something, anything, a scissor would do, where the hell was it? I could've sworn I had one somewhere around here.
"Looking for these?" A voice spoke and I snapped my head up, Madeline stood there, a pair of scissors clutched in her right hand, she was giving me a stern look. I paused.
"Give them to me."
"No."
Clenching and unclenching my shaking hands I spat, "Give them to me, Madeline."
She moved away from me, "No."
My thoughts were furious,
She's just doing it for money,
Mother hired her too remember?
Pissed off, I felt fresh new tears spring to my eyes, "Stop it! Stop pretending that you care! In case you've forgotten, you're also being paid to be my friend! You wouldn't be here if it weren't for my mother! How do I know there's no freaking secret contract between you?! Huh? You can't buy friendship Madeline! You're fired! You and Emma both! Leave me alone, I don't need you to pretend I don't -"
"Shuttup!" She yelled over me, cutting me off, her fingers white from the tight grip she had on the scissors, "Don't you even say it Alex! I'm being paid to be your personal maid, not your friend, don't be ridiculous, you idiot!"
"Yeah? How do I know that? Huh? Tell me? Jayden lied, my mother lied, my father lied, everyone lies, what makes you think I'd believe you?"
"Look, I know you've been robbed of every reason to trust but believe me Alex I would never betray you, what Jayden did, what your mother did is unforgiveable, disgusting even. Have I ever given you a reason to mistrust me? All those nightmares, all those scars, all those secrets, have I ever let it slip? Alex you mean the world to me, took me by the heartstrings, I won't hurt you, I can't hurt you."
I looked away from her, her words meant nothing to me, they were empty, they're always empty. Words are superfluous, they carry no meaning, not to me, not anymore.
I was always blinded by trust, deterred from my conviction by pretty words.
"Stop it," I muttered, turning my gaze upwards, staring her right in the eye, "Get out, take the scissor with you and get the fuck out."
I was my only help.
She was shocked for a moment but quickly recovered, "Alex," her tone had changed, it had become more pleading, "I know that it must hurt that it probably hurts worse than ever but just let me-"
"No okay!? Get out, just fucking get out, I don't need you, I don't need anybody. Take the scissor and fuck off."
-
I've fallen into a hole, it was deep and dark. The deepest hole in the entire world, I know because I dug it myself. It became hard to move or do anything, this time I truly, sincerely felt like the whole world was laughing at me.
At how naive I am.
How very pitiful I am.
How stupid and feckless I've been even after I stumbled and stumbled, given obstacles to get over and yet, yet I didn't learn my lesson.
How many vows have I broken?
I looked at my wrist, the scars pink and fresh, some carelessly wrapped up in bandages, I was hopeless and stupid and defeated.
What was worse though, was when Madeline came to me the same way Emma had come that evening, wringing her fingers together with a pale and sullen expression.
Jayden's grandfather had died.
In that moment I was pulled out of my well of self-pity and experienced pain for someone else so severely.
Was it because of me? I should've pretended I didn't hear anything that day, should've let him use me then he wouldn't have to feel the pain I so knew he was feeling.
The thought of Jayden brought me out of my null reverie, my eyes landing on the paper that Chase had given me. Slowly I moved towards it, my brain in a daze, I've read it so many times; it was an address and a time.
Saturday, 8:50 pm
Glancing at the clock, I saw that it was already eight, today was the day, fifty minutes. How was this supposed to make me realise he'd been acting all along? How did Chase know about it?
Would going there be the death of me?
I knew I had to see him, to see his suffering for myself, to make sure that he didn't do anything stupid, that he was at least in one piece.
Making a decision I got off the floor and began to sluggishly make myself more presentable. It wasn't easy.
The door to my room had opened, "Going somewhere?"
"Yes" I answered stiffly
Madeline came further into the room, her expression distant, she acted as if that day hadn't happened, she became my maid, my personal maid and nothing more.
And it was all my fault.
"Would you like me to assist you in dressing?" She asked
"No"
A silence.
"I didn't get to ask you miss, but did your finals go well?" She asks politely
I didn't answer.
I knew I was going to fail it all because my studying had been frantic with no understanding. I gave up in between and just wrote whatever. The fact that I only went to school in hopes he'd show up was depressing. He never did. Does he really not care about exams? I chastised myself, Of course not you idiot, he has real problems.
But do his make mine less real?
Haven't you learned anything? Don't compare, you have what you have.
I grabbed the paper and side-stepped her.
"Will you be long?" She asked, not an emotion spared
I looked dejectedly at the floor and said quietly, "I don't know."
-
"Good evening Miss, where to?" Phil asked, his smiling blue eyes meeting mine in the review mirror. I shut the door and handed him the paper, I watched him read it and then he turned around, giving me a puzzled look, "Are you sure you want to go there? At this time too"
I nodded briefly and directed my attention outside the window, I watched as a few moths flew around a yellow bulb, making it flicker ominously. Phil hesitated, I could feel his eyes on my face, he glanced briefly back at the paper and then as if coming to a decision, folded it up and started the car.
"Meeting Jayden then, Miss?" He asked carefully
That grabbed my attention, "You knew about it? This place?" My voice was accusatory.
"Yes" he answered good naturedly, "used to go there every week, Jayden."
I remained silent for a while before asking, "What is it? That place?"
He glanced at me then, his blue eyes quickly flashing across the review mirror before focusing back on the road, "Underground fighting, shady of course."
It felt like a piece of lead dropped down in my tummy, underground fighting huh? So that was what Chase was talking about. What is Jayden thinking? Isn't it illegal?
A silence stretched between us and when I glanced back out my window I recognized the makings of the downtown area, we went in deep, through twists and turns and when Phil stopped the car at last, rundown buildings stood on either side of the road, Phil stopped right in front of a dark alley that went in between two buildings casting shadows darker than the dark.
My skin prickled with nerves and I pushed open the door, a cold breeze ruffled my hair.
"Are you sure?" Phil asked hesitantly, "Would you like me to accompany you?"
I looked back at him, a little unsure but then I remembered that I really didn't care what happened to me, nothing could make it worse.
"That's fine, wait for me."
I stepped out onto the pavement and shut the door behind me. I felt isolated, shaky.
Looking back only once I made my way into the alley. As I went deeper I could hear voices, the constant noise from a crowd cheering on wildly. There were several people in semi darkness, they were standing around smoking, giggling.
Light emitted from a door and I approached it but froze when I heard a sudden movement as if my arrival had alerted them, I looked around; a figure was leaning against the wall, his face in the shadows but his long, lean legs that uncrossed as he pushed away from the wall were visible through a faint yellow light filtering through the windows above him.
I held my breath, as if it would make me invisible, he was coming towards me.
First golden hair emerged and then the baby blue eyes of Chase, "Thought you'd bail."
I let out the breath I was holding and sagged in relief. And then I laughed. He lowered his gaze to meet my own, "Something funny?"
"I'm relieved."
He studied my face, "That is funny." But he wasn't smiling, he turned, "Let's go."
Quickly catching myself I stuffed my hands into my pockets and followed after him, feeling at ease with the presence of someone I knew.
I followed him into the doorway after a heavily tattooed guy let us through upon seeing Chase. The cheers became louder as we descended the stairs and came through to the other side. People were packed around a large square cage placed smack in the middle of the room, Chase grabbed my arm and I could feel my heart beat a violent tattoo against my chest, we neared the caged ring as he fought his way through the screaming spectators.
And then I saw it, saw him; with sweat dribbling from his hair and blood dripping down his chin, he threw a fist, landing it right under his opponents jaw, I could hear the impact, feel the force.
His big, burly opponent staggered but came back with even more force, missing Jayden by an inch, he threw another fist and then another, Jayden swiftly dodged each and every one of the man's attacks and then I caught on to what the crowd were hollering;
"BULLET! BULLET!"
Again and again Jayden dodged, disappeared, landed a hit and then moved with precision and skill. He was quick, quicker than I've ever seen anyone go.
His fight at the canteen was just child's play.
But what caught me were his eyes, they weren't soft and they weren't chocolatey, they were hard, set and filled with anguish, my heart squeezed and I wanted to make it go away, I wanted the soft gentleness to return but I knew that in reality that I was looking at a stranger, I didn't know that guy.
Jayden is made up, acted out so flawlessly and that guy in the ring was just his medium.
The man got a hold of Jaydens neck and squeezed, locking him in place, unknowingly cutting off my oxygen too. Jayden struggled against his headlock and I found myself moving forward, Chase was still holding my arm, he moved with me.
Despite all the noise, I could hear my heart clearly, pumping wildly in my ears.
And then as if answering my prayers, Jayden found his strength and forcefully flipped the man over and got on top of him, his legs pinning him to the ring as he battered him repeatedly, his fist going down one after the other, one after the other until my relief turned to alarm. The man wasn't fighting anymore and Jayden kept going, over and over, fist after fist, blood was drawn, splattering against the white floor of the ring and painting his bandaged knuckles.
No one was stopping him, his eyes looked dead, he looked mechanical and I hated it.
Why wasn't anyone stopping him?
"No rules, Alex." Came Chase's whispered answer.
I pushed forward, Chase lost his grip and I was separated from him, I leaned against the railing, beholding the sight before me so clearly, so unobstructed that it'd be hard to not tell.
He was broken.
Men got into the cage and grabbed a hold of Jayden, forcefully pulling him away from his opponent, he didn't fight them, his fists like iron melted just like that and he stared with a look of pure defeat.
As if coming to himself he pushed away from them, grabbed the wad off cash from a man who fiercely congratulated him and disappeared into the parting between the crowd. I searched frantically, I had to talk to him, I had to make it right but just like that, he was gone. Falling again. I was falling into my endless pit. This isn't fair. I shouldn't have come.
An announcement was made, the man- 'The Crusher' - was barely breathing, Bullet had done them proud again.
Someone tugged at my arm and I looked around at Chase, "We should go"
I nodded mutely, giving up my search, I knew I'd truly break if I spoke a word to him.
Now it seemed surreal, like everything that happened didn't really happen, like I never met a Jayden and I never taught him how to ride a horse. Because I've never seen him the way I saw him tonight.
The air outside was thick and I yearned to go back inside, seek Jayden out and be wrapped in his familiar, warm embrace, to be told it was all an act, a prank, that he wasn't hurting. But that could never happen, no matter how hard I wish for it.
"Don't cry." Chase murmured, looking at me helplessly, "I can only make you cry." He didn't say it but I could see it written on his face.
I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve but didn't say anything.
The car creeped up beside me and I pulled open the door, I turned to Chase, "Thanks for going with me."
He smiled faintly, "You broke huh? You broke bad, you look awful."
"Yeah." I muttered and got into the car, he closed the door after saying, "See ya around Alex"
Seeing Jayden that way was the undoing of me. What was the point of all this suffering? Why does he have to suffer? How long does anyone have to feel pain? Pain; the only thing that demands to be felt.
The thing that has now become my world.
How long do I have to feel this way?
I've been sent into a constant spiral of misery, what was the point of fighting now when I can end it all?
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