The car ride was awkward, to say the least. I had no interest in him and by the looks of it, the feeling was mutual.
I figured Walter was just going to drive me to Jesse's and explain some stupid plan for his crystal and most likely hand me another gun. That is why I was always needed before.
"I need to tell you something and I need you to stay calm," Walter said breaking the silence in the car.
"Okay."
"You promise not to freak out?"
"I won't freak, Mr. White," I assured him, worried about what he might say.
"Last night I went over to Jesse's. It was late he was sleeping with that girl—"
"I really don't need to hear about their hook-up." I snapped, I still wasn't over him but I was glad to hear Jesse moved on so quickly.
"I'm not saying they actually slept together—"
"It's Jesse, Mr.White, they definitely fucked."
"ANYWAYS!" He scoffed and his hand gripped the steering wheel tightly, "I— Well I watched that girl choke on her own vomit last night... and she died, Hailey."
"What?" I exclaimed, my head whipping to look at him. "You didn't do anything to stop it?"
"I-I wasn't quick enough to stop it." He said but his voice was laced with guilt, "Jesse's in some crack den now, you need to come with me and find him, get him out of there."
I couldn't grasp my head around this, sure I didn't like the girl but I wouldn't have wished death upon her.
But why was Walter there while they were asleep? Did Jesse even want to see me after everything? He must be a fucking wreck and I didn't want to hurt him anymore.
"Jesse's too fragile for this lifestyle." I said, wanting to break the awkward silence in the car again, "I love him but... why did you have to rope me into this?"
"He loves you. I think you're the only thing that's ever saved him. When you left it broke him and you— you're the only thing that's going to put him back together."
"How do you know he'll want to see me? He was with Jane you know, they probably started dating right after we broke up."
"They never dated... not from what I saw. He only used her as a way to forget about you which clearly didn't work. I think he only did that crap with her... apart from that he'd sit in his house in the dark."
-
"APD's been known to sit on this place, look at the comings and goings." Some guy who I didn't know said, Walter and him were talking while I stood beside them. I'm not sure why this guy was here with us.
"Are they here now?" Asked Walter.
"I don't see any sign—"
"Well, that's the point." I chimed in, kicking the rocks from the gravel with my shoe.
"Exactly... police could be the least of it. You could get mugged or shot." The guy continued. "How about you go on home... the both of you."
"I was forced to come here. I'm not leaving without him." I said, looking up at the older man.
"Let me handle this then." The guy offered, his eyes darting from Walter to myself.
"Hailey and I will be just fine, let's go," Walter said and with that, we climbed over the fence towards the crack house.
When we entered the house if you'd even call it that, a crackhead greeted us.
Walter put his arm around me and pulled me away from the guy who looked like a walking corpse. I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise, what were these people doing to themselves?
"This place reeks like piss and death," I whispered.
"I know."
To say the place creeped me out would've been an understatement. It was sad to see all the wasted potential just in this house alone... imagine the rest of the world.
Walter and I walked throughout the entire house, finally, we entered the back room.
There were 2 people fucking on the floor, everyone else in the room was either smoking or sleeping, completely unbothered. I was horrid at the sight of them — there was no embarrassment at all but they were probably too high to realize.
"Jesse!" Mr.White ran to him, he was curled up on the floor sleeping.
I knelt down beside him, touching his arm lightly. "Jesse... wake up, please."
Walter began shaking him, repeatedly asking him to wake up.
"He's zooted," I said in a hushed tone. He still had a pulse so he thankfully wasn't dead.
Jesse just mumbled at this point, his eyes never opening.
Walter tried to pick him up but Jesse just fought him off, grunting but still never actually opening his eyes. He wasn't aware of what was going on.
"Here, grab his one arm and I'll grab the other and we'll drag him out," I suggested and that's what we did, struggling to keep him up.
We managed to stand him up, telling him that 'everything was going to be alright.'
Jesse leaned his head into me and just sobbed.
"Jesse... it's going to be okay." I told him, wrapping my arms around the boy I loved.
Both Walter and I didn't know what to do as we looked at each other while Jesse hugged me like his life depended on it, and depending on how I handled this situation it very well could.
Jesse hugged my body tightly, sobbing into my hair.
"I-I killed her."
"What?" Walter questioned, his voice no more than a whisper.
"I killed her, it was me." He cried out, his body shaking with guilt and sadness.
"No baby, you didn't," I whispered, rubbing his back soothing.
"I killed her... and you hate me now too."
I pulled me away from me, holding his face with my hands, "Look at me Jess — you didn't kill anyone, she OD'd.... and as for me I could never hate you, ever."
He choked on his own tears that were streaming down his unshaved face. "I messed up Hailey, so badly. I love you."
"I know... I know." I said as he leaned back into me, crying again.
"You're with us now, let's get you into the car," I said and led him out of this piss-filled crack den.
My heart broke for Jesse, he truly thought he killed her.
The all too familiar feeling of guilt came back. I should have checked up on him, I should have just brushed everything under the rug. My stubbornness could have prevented this.
Maybe that would have saved Jane's life, maybe it would have stopped Jesse from feeling so hurt, maybe I could have saved Jesse from being in this place.
All these 'what ifs' yet none of them matter, what's done is done. A girl lost her life, and Jesse has to live with the biggest 'what if' of his life.
I just hope he'd realize that it wasn't his fault, they used together. It could have been him instead of Jane, and that would have broke me. I don't think I'd ever recover from losing him. It always occurred to me that drugs would be a problem when it came to Jesse but I never thought about actually losing him to them.
Even if we aren't together, I need to take care of him. I had to push everything in the past. I had to make sure that he wouldn't dig himself into his own grave. No dating, no drugs, nothing about this past, I needed to just get him mentally okay again. Every thought prior no longer mattered. He relied on me and now I was going to make sure I was there for him.
I helped Jesse into the backside of Walters Pontiac, I was planning on sitting in the front but he latched onto my arm and I took a seat beside him.
Jesse didn't say a word, he just leaned against me with his eyes shut. Walter and I kept making eye contact through the rearview mirror, neither of us had a plan once we got Jesse out.
"Jess, are you hungry?" I asked him but he just groaned.
"When's the last time you ate?" I asked him, hoping if I changed the question I'd get an answer.
"Dunno." He mumbled, "What's the point of eating anyway?"
"So that you can stay alive... for me." I knew if I told him to save himself he wouldn't care but me, that was a different story.
"I'm just going to disappoint you, like always." He said.
"If you expect nothing, you can never be disappointed." I told him, "And I don't expect anything from you, I just want you to take care of yourself."
"How?" He said, his voice so low I almost couldn't hear him.
"Get clean."