White clouds filled in the sky. No sight of any other color could be seen, just blank white, like a canvas.
It was bright, I could see a faint figure of a human getting closer and closer to me. Normally thousands of questions would be running through my mind like, where am I or is this real? But I couldn't think of any questions, I couldn't think of any words.
The mind is blank with no path to follow and no emotions to overreact with. I couldn't move, think nor speak. What was this weird episode?
Everything in here connected to all that was happening in my mind. I saw almost a heaven. Calm and peaceful, not allowing me to feel any panic about the world that has come to be my enemy.
The figure, now so close, is right in front of me. She stood wearing a white long dress with long sleeves, it was a modest yet beautiful gown. She had long brown curly hair that reached to the back, her skin was a beautiful shade of brown that glowed in the bright aura that followed her. Not being able to think or move, but I could make out her appearance. The woman was so unbelievably beautiful, like a goddess in front of my eyes. Her nose was traditional with a soflt pointed arch, her eyes were big and dark brown, and her lips are thin medium sized plump red.
It's mom.
The familiar warmth and memorys flood back into my mind as I finally gain back the strength to think. I reminisce back to her old pictures in our family picture book. Her face looks refreshed and young but my heart can't deny the fact that I've known this woman for all my life.
The woman in front of me right now looked exactly like young mom, no, this is my mom.
We stared at each other.
I was in complete shock while wondering if this was another game, another trick that the world was throwing at me. It could've been, I mean the odds of all of this actually being real is slim. If its a dream then I'll wake up soon devastated and dead inside. So no, I'd not be surprised if this was a trick or some cruel game because thats what most of my life has come to be.
This is all a dream yet I'm feeling all these real emotions that will come to torture me in real life. I'm feeling happy that she's here, comfort even though neither of us have said anything and safe like even a flying bullet can't harm me. I want to stop the emotions but I can't, I just can't. Seeing my mom here in front of me brings pure torture but at the same time unexplainable joy.
I wanted to touch her, hug her, hear her voice, love her, throw myself into the arms of motherly love that comes with reassurance and comfort. She'll tell me everything's ok, that the world is not trying to kill me, that I'm strong enough to do this, that I'm not a complete crazy person. And most of all I just wanted to here her say that she loved me.
One more time
" please.."
My mouth had opened without my knowledge and soon my body started to move with my knowledge. Despite all the attempts I put on to stop myself mentally from hugging her nothing seemed to work. My heart and soul needed to feel the life changing peace from her. I was desperate for it.
I couldn't cry, I couldn't weep or sob and I needed her.
I'll just have to deal with the tragedy of all this being a dream later.
My arms flew up for a hug and I took one step forward but before I could fully wrap my arms around her, she started to disappear.
Off into the air, the person standing in front of me just a second ago had turned into a white mist, no longer in sight.
My heart fell to the ground.
I didn't even get to touch her.
......
This is punishment right?
That dream was the punishment I got for kissing him.
Creul
Now I'm just left alone here in my room expected to continue on with the world that despises me to no limits. Now I'm expected to pull it together and be strong for my father who's falling apart and the family who feels so much pity that they can't even speak nor look at me. Now I have to do my best and stop wishing to die, right?
I chuckle to myself, to this unrealistic reality.
When I tried to sleep and fight off my emotions all I did was get punished in the end. Seeing moms face ruined me completely, how will I come back from that moment.
"I didn't even get to touch her"
The words ring out from my mouth and repeat in my head until I have to dig my nails so deep into the scalp that it starts to bleed.
My eyes are dry and probably have the darkest circles under them. All the liquid in me has drained out and no more liquid is coming in. I refuse to drink water and I refuse to cry. I can't cry anymore, it seems so useless now after knowing that knowone cares and nothings going to change.
I hug my knees tighter and ignore all the pain that sparks when I dig my nails into the skin of my thighs. If I could've hugged mom just once, just once,
everything would've been ok
I would do anything to be with her forever. But I can't. So I die here in my bubble of loneliness, waiting till these ten days are over and fate smacks me aside. Next time I see Luther I'll beg him not to take me, I'll beg, its either he does what I say or I stop all of this by myself through death.
He has to listen. I can't live with someone so mentally insane and abusive for three whole years. He'll kill me or I'll do it myself.
I froze after hearing the music from my phone. National anthem by lana del rey.
I regret allowing Alex change my ring tone but its been this song for the whole year now so I've never cared. But this is just not the right song for times like this.
As I was about to pick it up from my bedstand the music stopped and in came Alex. When she saw my face, hers dropped like she had just seen a ghost.
Do I really look that bad?
Without saying a word, she made her way over to the bed and hugged me. Being wrapped into someone's embrace makes me feel better but am I selfish for wishing it were mom instead?
I rested my head on her shoulder and stared back at the door which was wide open. This sent alarms in my head, what if Luther comes in again, what if he breaks in the house?
"Did you lock the front door on your way in?"
Thats the first thing I've said in a long while. Not only did I look like shit, my voice sounded like crap to.
"Ofcourse, after whats been happening-"
"Please don't remind me of that complete imbecile of a man"
Alex cracked out a laugh which made me smile from the inside. A few light taps connected to my back as Alex pulled back, breaking the hug.
"I came here to take you out"
Her words almost made me choke on fucking air.
"Me?, right now?"
She only nodded slowly while not making eye contact.
"Haha, your funny, really funny"
She sighed, "Riles im serious, you need to have a little fun and do something other than laying depressed in your room"
ouch
"Forgive me but I don't think I'm fit to go out and do something other than laying depressed in my room"
With full confidence Alex said, "Then I'll make you fit".
She made me want to smile but at the same time choke someone to death from annoyance.
"No, and where would we even go?"
"The amusement park!"
"Tch, now the answers a definite no"
"Pleassee, I just want to spend time with you before-..."
Alex stopped herself. She stopped herself because of me, because of the truth. It made me angry. I fucking wanted her to say it, maybe if she did then this stupid reality would seem a little more realistic.
I lowered my gaze, not wanting to see her sympathetic pity for the truth.
"Alex..go home"
"I will not, I can't leave you all alone like this"
For some reason her words sounded like an insult even though she said them with care and compassion. It made me even more angry.
Everything seems to make me mad nowadays...
"I've been alone like this for a good while now"
"Yeah and look what that's done to you!"
"Well I'm used to it!" I spat back.
We both stayed silent for some minutes. Both confused and regretful.
Neither of us dared to apologize, both of us were stubborn and embarrassed, when those characteristics clash it creates an endless mess.
I grabbed her hand, it wasn't a sorry but it was my way of doing all I can right now.
"I just really am not in the proper mindset to go out right now"
"And I just really don't want you to spend the rest of these days not enjoying your freedom in life and living as a normal person"
"I'm not a normal person anymore Alex, don't you get it? He took away my freedom the day he made the decision to trap me"
Something prickled my eyes but I didn't dare to cry, I don't want to cry because of him anymore. Its a waste of tears and energy.
Alex gently grazed my cheek before cupping it in her warm hand. In her eyes I saw all the pity in the world floating in a dark ocean.
"Riley....ten days, don't waste the other six by sitting here and doing nothing. Enjoy the time you have with loved ones and family or you'll regret it"
"Now I'm sorry we can't do much about your situation and I'm sorry I can't rip out that mans guts fully but I'm here for you"
That's it, the conversation ended with a fine, coming from me.
Just like that, one hour later I was freshly clean from the shower and now dressed, sitting in her car with makeup and hair done.
God, what am I doing.
I scolled through all of my dads worried and countless check in texts to tell him that I'd be hanging out with Alex for a few hours.
I hope he's not unhappy with this outing and too worried for my safety. I'll be fine with Alex, the girl carries a gun and permit everywhere she goes. Dad knows this so I think he'll be alright when seeing my text.
"You're crazy if you think I'm going on any rollercoaster rides"
"Dude you seriously need to get over you're fear of heights some day and we're going to start today!"
"I rather eat pickles and slow down damn, you've been going way over the speed limit" I said with a laugh.
"Only if you agree to go on one ride" Alex said speeding up, now my heart is on panic mode.
"Alex seriously slow down! I don't plan on my cause of death being a car accident!"
She didn't stop and thats when I start to grip on my seatbelt tighter than tight.
This bitch is really trying to kill me right now. Wow. The best friend I have and love so much right?
"Fine fine now slow down!"
A sly smile formed on the girls face as she settled down the car to a proper driving speed. I sighed in relief and layed my head back on the seat.
"Only one ride and whoever gave you a drivers license must've been high as hell"
"You should've seen your face haha"
Her laugh filled my ears and made me smile a bit.
I rolled my eyes before sitting back.
......................................................................
This page was heavily edited on January 16th, 2022
-2065 words